Here goes... gut spilling

@BlueBerryBook: I think you are giving good, well thought out advice. I agree with you. However, I do think if it has become this serious where the OP is taking action on this, she needs to call his father for a heads up.

It appears that the OP knows what she wants to do. I am not trying to take sides here or be judgmental. My following advice is to facilitate her to act on her decisions. Here is my advice. Do not tell him, but get an eviction notice delivered to him. He will find out then what is happening to him is for real. I do not think anything short of this will do. I think you should provide him a couple weeks to find another place. I know this sounds cruel, but you need to do whatever it takes to follow through with your decisions. Let a post-op recovery service take him in until he is ready to be out on his own. If you can afford it, perhaps give him a couple hundred dollars which can provide him a couple days in a cheap motel, giving him time to think about what he is to do next. But from the sounds of it, you will not be able to do this. Once again, you owe him nothing at all. Matter of fact, instead of this you can pay for bus fare to his fathers place. I do not think you should leave your own place, essentially funding his stay there.

I think you can help him help himself to exit your life. For instance, contact the public services that can keep him off of the streets. Medicaid can help in this way. Bring him the pamphlets and forms that he can use to get on Medicaid and other services. You can refer him to social services. In this way, you have done everything you can do to make his exit as workable as possible for him. You do not even owe him this, but this can help with your own peace of mind. Please do not let him manipulate you into changing your mind. I think when it comes down to it he will use his medical problems to make you feel guilty. If the hospital found out he does not have the ability to find a place for himself, I think they would help him find a solution by connecting him up with a social worker. Maybe they already have one on staff.

I really admire you for taking care of yourself by taking the initiative to make decisive actions. I know many women would not of done the same things as you are doing. They may have purposely overlooked it and went along blissfully as though nothing had happened. They would rationalize this decision of theirs to do nothing. For that matter, how many would have the courage to follow through with the type of decisions that you are making? IMO not many. You are a strong lady. I suggest to continue your resolve to follow the decisions you have made and will make. Keep focused on what is important to you.

I do not know if I would of made the same decisions in the same circumstance. But I do know you need to be able to depend on yourself to follow through with your decisions. Personally, this approach has benefitted me a great deal.

IMHO

I am glad that you are taking care of you.
Listen to your gut and proceed from there.
call his father if you feel you must.
do what ever you feel, feels right.
This is your life and you get to decide what you want to do.
good luck and keep us posted.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks, Tucson. I don't know if I'm all that mighty -- I've overlooked many, many things over the years. Things I'd never have believed I would. I'm terrible with conflict. But I guess the important thing is that I am determined NOW.

I really do think my moving is the best idea -- a fresh space, fresh start. Anything I can afford will involve being around other people, which should help me to not isolate so much, which I would likely do here. I don't feel like I'm so much funding his stay here, as a month's notice is required. (He'd already be past that and s.o.l. come next month) (Also, we keep an eye on the property for the owner and frankly, I'm pretty sick of "babysitting" some idiots that live here.)

I won't be giving him any money. He has had far too much of it already.

Social services we currently receive (in fact, my food stamps app is due again and right in the midst of all this change! Stress me out.), so he already is in their systems, but he will have to do his own paperwork now. They do have a social worker at the hospital. For sure.

I believe you are 100% accurate in saying he will try to manipulate me with his medical problems. The pity card is his favorite one. I WILL remain firm however.

On calling his dad, yes, I plan to do that as soon as I secure somewhere to go. Which will possibly be tomorrow or Monday (day of his surgery). I *hope* to be able to get everything out while he is at the hospital to not have to deal with any more unpleasantry than necessary. I will need to ask for help, maybe someone from work. I can rent a truck if need be.

I know you are not sure you would make the same decisions, Tucson, but if you were to know the full story, you probably would. Once upon a time, a lady had a hypomanic episode.... and from this beginning, her life got turned upside down.... Perhaps one day I will tell (confess) the whole story. Perhaps not.

It may seem like I know exactly what I want, but actually, in talking with everyone here, it has helped me to firm up some thoughts, which is very helpful because the rumination has been awful.

As a guy, I can confidently say guys are stupid. My wife should have left me in 1992. Years ago, I was in sales and I did a lot of traveling. While I was away, my wife opened the cable bill and saw that I had ordered a porn movie. She wasn't happy about it and I threw myself at the mercy of the court. What can I say, it was a stupid decision. We got though it, no big deal. I didn't run to another woman, I just ordered a movie. And, in a way, I was using the family money. Relationships go though ups and downs. True, there are unforgivable transgressions but if he didn't run to another woman, I don't see the issue here. Money is money - bah, it has gone through my hands like water. I've spent more money on drugs and booze than I care to admit. The core of the relationship is the strength we draw from each other. I need my wife and she needs me. There are boundaries for sure, but there are forgivable mistakes as well.

Hey RJ, while I can appreciate what you are saying, this was not an isolated incident. There is a larger and more toxic picture than I can really convey. This was just the final straw. And it could hardly have been more insulting in light of the past year of hell I've been through for his sake. (and what would have been heading into a second). As far as running to another, I busted him in the very midst of his trying to set that very thing up.

And it may just be money, but NO ONE is going to use my money to tell people I don't exist.

I actually had written out a whole response, but left the page and lost it.

Bottom line, this is long overdue.

Thinking of you!

He's put you in an incredibly tough position, and of course it is not just this latest episode...

I wish you strength, fortitude and the help of friends that you need to get out. It won't be easy but it will be a relief when it is finally over. It doesn't seem like he is occupying to much space in your head, which is the way these kind of people tend to control those around them, like the parasite in humans that comes from cats... except stronger.

If it were me I'd probably ditch talking to his dad in favour of breaking all ties and communication and try to make this as painless as possible for you.

I wish I had wise words for you, but I'm sorry you're going through this right now. What you're going through is incredibly difficult and I can only imagine the pain you're experiencing. I hope you're able to push through it and that things get resolved quickly. You deserve better than repeatedly being treated poorly, and so I sincerely wish you well.

P.S. keep us up to date

Hope you find a place to live and extricate yourself from this relationship. He has pushed you through the wringer and left you hanging to dry.

How are things going Innerzone?

Thinking of you!


WC

Thanks for asking, tecomsin. I thought about updating yesterday, but it was a long and exhausting day, so I crashed (slept) instead. I found a place (renting a room in someone's home -- there are 3 other renters as well -- feels like a really nice place). I was going to call his dad, but was too exhausted after getting back from the hospital and just sent a quick text about the surgery. Yes, I went to the hospital. Visited a bit and helped him eat (there was a complication and he's restricted to laying flat).

Today work got out early and I went over to the hospital. "Are we ok?" "No." "Will we be ok?" "No.". We talked. It was a calm talk, but he reeled when I told him I was moving out. (Not one to give idle threats, I was kind of surprised that my saying "we're done" wasn't clear we'd not be living together.) He begged me to reconsider. Not to abandon him. Not now. That we should talk. Etc, no need to write everything of course. I did talk about issues I had with the relationship, and pervasive troubling patterns.

I'm going to call his dad tonight. I hate putting this on his plate, I really do. But honestly there is no point at which it *wouldn't* land there.

Sigh. Why can't life be simple? At least some of the time...

Oh God, his dad just texted me. Guess that's my cue for the phone call. Dreading this. Wish I had some coffee. I'm so tired...

Sending you vibes of strength and peace.


WC

Tecomsin has already wished you strength and fortitude, so I will wish you all the best of all the rest.

Thanks for posting and letting us know. He’s got you in quite a tangle and I hope you are free of his machinations soon.

I hope your call with his Dad is calm and controlled to keep your self esteem in tact(if that makes sense to you).
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Thanks, yes, it was, though I kept tripping over my words (a cup of tea didn't quite help enough). I let him know how the medical stuff went, then let him know I had a bit of unpleasantry to give him the heads up about (telling BF I was moving out). His response was essentially that he's created his own situation and will just have to deal with it. He won't be bailing him out, he's sick of it. I do not anticipate a good reaction. But again, it's about the history someone creates with another. You strengthen or weaken it with every event.

Didn't really see that coming though they've locked horns many a time. He was actually quite supportive and understanding of my situation.

I am anxious that this will have BF doubling down on my court, but I'll just have to remain strong. I DO think the situation and timing totally suck, but it doesn't change the larger problematic dynamic. I DO feel bad for him, even if I shouldn't. I can't keep from extending kindnesses (visiting, etc), but I can't go back to life as "normal".

Sigh. Did I say something about wishing for life to be simple sometimes??

don't tell him where you moved and block his calls. let go of the hopes for a good relationship. that has left the station. He is not the guy for you. Stick to your guns. Don't visit him. I am trying to be supportive of you sorry if this seems harsh.
((((HUGS))))

bizi

Those are also my thoughts.

I am glad the convo with his dad went well. Hopefully, his father will keep that positive attitude towards you. Are there any children involved in all of this (even if not biological ones or grown ones)? Sorry I am still pretty new here and can’t keep straight on things like that.

Now that you told him what your actions are to be, I don’t think it is healthy for you to visit him in the hospital any more. Keep your distance from him as much as possible, and don’t let him get away with being such a jerk, especially after so recently giving him such good care, which had to be difficult. I had to care for my husband after back surgery right after our daughter turned 1 years old , and the first 2 - 3 weeks was not easy(it was about 6 weeks in total he needed help), and I still think it would have been extremely difficult even removing my daughter from the equation. Be done with him treating you that way.

I am glad to hear you are looking at other places to stay and seem to have at least found a possibility. Everyone here has given you excellent advice.

I am so sorry you have to go through this situation. It is something you don’t deserve. Stay strong

I feel so bad for you and you're situation. Life can be so messy sometimes i'll pray for you.

Have you ever heard The Nail in the Fence story? It is about the impact of anger on relationships, but it really applies to any hurtful behavior.

http://slideplayer.com/slide/1012529...+the+Fence.jpg

If the link doesn’t work:

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.

The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won’t matter how many times you say I’m sorry, the wound is still there.”

This choked me up. Thanks for the story.

Well, I woke up a couple of hours ago and haven't been able to get back to sleep, everything whirling in my mind.

Heh. My alarm to get up for work just went off.

I don't think I can do no contact. Not yet anyway. I do kind of have to think about his stuff. I can't just leave it altogether (I'd like to get my deposit back) and there is some stuff of irreplaceable sentimental value that I wouldn't feel right not safeguarding in some way.

Better get ready for work now.

I don't think you must go "no contact" in order to safely get yourself out of this relationship. I do think it's possible to remain firm and amicable.

I have only gone no contact in break-ups when I have been being threatened. Sometimes, it's very helpful to process things with one another.

Only you know the best way to handle things each day.



WC

Yes, this where we are I'd say.

Just a little update... I accepted a place to live and will probably move next weekend (depends on my helper's schedule -- yes, I found a helper at work-- yea!). BF is working on his path and it sounds like a positive one for him.

There's really only been one somewhat strained conversation. It was kind of an analysis of what problems there were. Everything else has been totally civil and/or kind.

Watching dvds last night --and had SO often happens -- we both noticed some totally obscure thing simultaneously. I will miss his companionship, no point denying it.