Bipolar Questions Version 4

Some, but not much.

What's your favorite/most helpful diversion when life gets too stressful?

Curling up with my weighted blanket and hopefully a cat or 2.

Do you cry easily?

I never cry. I think the last time was 15 years ago.

Are you a morning person or a night owl?

nightowl

do you ever rest during the day?

I never sleep during the day, but I do take it easy at times. Perhaps too much.

Do you prefer when you remember night time dreams or you don't?

i prefer it, and lately i have really vivid dreams, which is fun

do you ever run out of medication and end up missing it for a day/days?

yes

how often do you exercise, and what do you do

I barely exercise at all nowadays, and when my psychiatrist and therapists have mentioned it these past years, I have growled at them silently. It is one of the "self care" tasks I've struggled with most in recent years. Why? There are various reasons that are difficult to explain. Maybe someday I'll try. I haven't always been against exercise. Just the contrary. In my youth, I took up to 8 dance classes per week after school, and even exercised at home. [I was training to become a ballerina.] I was in the best shape of anyone in my class, or maybe even school. I continued exercise regularly into my 20s, at some points walking many miles per day. I could also dance at clubs and other dance venues for hours at a time, sometimes until 3 am when everyone else was mostly gone. I could have won dance marathons.

In my very early 30s, my friend and I trained for her annual Walk for MS events three to four days per week for months walking between 4 and 12 miles per day, after work and on weekends. Nowadays exercise is the occasional walk with my hubby, or just running numerous errands.

What type of self care do you struggle with most, if any?

i struggle with most basic self care... i'm much better at showering than i used to be. i struggle to brush my teeth twice a day, keep my apartment clean, wash dishes, do laundry etc. i never do those stereotypical self care things like getting a massage.

what do you do when you can't sleep, or wake up during the night and can't go back to sleep?

usually read, or play on my computer or watch tv.

what about death scares you the most? (even if you are scared of it?)

Death most days doesn't scare me, as it's going to happen. I am only a human and know it. I used to lay awake at night as a child thinking how to die and it was a sense of relief, but there's reason behind that found out along the way.. as an adult I think on it still, some days I worry I'll feel regret for not reaching my full potential before I leave this world, but in my heart I know I've tried most of this life.
I have a strong belief that people will move on as they should.

What assists you with sleeping pattern disturbances ?

Unfortunately, usually meds or a med change, sometimes a med change as far as sleep medications go, other times a med change for mania. I usually recognize the pattern of little sleep and hypomania, which always leads to full mania for me, and I don't want that because it does so much destruction to my life, so I usually address the sleep issue with the pdoc as soon as I can.

Do you have a pet?

no.

do you know all your triggers?, or are their some you're still working out

Stress seems to be the biggest trigger, but I am still finding triggers so I guess I don't know them all.

What was your reaction to being diagnosed as bipolar?

Relief. It was a tough year before that diagnosis.

Have you ever made a lasting friendship in the hospital?

When I was first diagnosed about 14 years ago, I was told I had manic depression. My first response was "I don't know what that is." Frankly, I didn't know what the term bipolar disorder was either. The psychiatrist said he was taking me off Lexapro and wanted me to start Lamictal. I basically said I wasn't interested. He gave me a pamphlet about bipolar disorder on my way out, which I soon threw away. I didn't tell my husband about that. I immediately quit seeing that psychiatrist and going to his group therapy. I only returned to him about one year later after a major event. He hospitalized me the next day. I pretty much accepted the diagnosis at that time.

What positive has come from your bipolar disorder?

Everything. It justifies every wrong I do. "Bipolar made me do it".
Before, I was on my own.

Do you gamble?.

ocasionally. I do enjoy betting on the horse racing best.

are you content in your current life situation?

no not at all. I think my life is a big waste

what is your best clean joke

I can be humorous, but am not really a joke teller. My humor is more along the lines of a humorous statement Carrie Fisher once made:

"My moods don't just swing - They bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate, and occasionally pirouette."

Describe a fun day or moment when hypomanic or manic.

What you said "I have trouble accepting this Dx and times...I took meds I felt worse. sometimes i realize that i'm grasping at the same things, like the tea and it hits me- "I've been here before haven't i? What time of the year is it again?"."

I was diagnosied in 2002 severly depressed hospitalized didnt eat for a week cried and couldnt talk to anyone was put on litium and wellbutrin after i was stable on lithium. Then after my kids i was on just a maintenance dose of lamictol then went off that wen i was having fatigue and my vision got blurry without asking a doctor because we moved around quite a bit in that time period. I just spent 10 waisted years off meds thinking it was something else- convinced! I have been to 3 different general practitioners looking for the cause of my episodes of fatigue and depression refused to go on a mood stabalizer. tested for autoimmune, MS, Cancer, Sleep disorders, connective tissue, allergies.Tried every diet protocol under the sun grain free, paleo, scd, juicing, then back on grain vegan, cbd oil and THC oil (legal in WA state where i used to live) in my tea at night, kava, herbal supplements, st johns wort. Must have blown at least 2K on supplements alone trying each one methodologically journal ling how it effected me.

Then this major episode of severe depression hit - and I feel l ike i felt back in 2002 and I cant believe I forgot how this felt and how i am and its actually so horrible its helping me see clearly- I think in hindsight I was having hypomanic and mild depression states and I was addicted to the hypomania and kept trying to get back there but now that I feel like this again i realize I ahvent been normal since I was on a mood stabalizer and I remember normal but not what it felt like. However I was sos much more functional I'll take normal over hypomanic any day. None of the homeopathy and nature hikes and pot none of that helped. Nicotine helps my fatigue but its so temporary i get maybe a 30 min boost of focus for 2mg lozenge.

I was so convinced it was Bipolar but now I look back on it an i was only able to hold a job and go to school the times i was on a mood stabalizer. Now im at square 1 with a new therapist and unless i want to be hospitalized she can only see me 1x a month and its taken 2 months already now and I'm still not on the lithium she says shes putting me back on- she wants an eeg first.

=( I feel like a complete medical crazy pot with how many natural cures and money i've tried and waisted. Pot helped me wake up a little perkier in the morning for a little while but did nothing one this more severe depression his- now Im in Germany and can't get on meds fast enough =(.

dressing up as a pirate, getting a teddybear on my shoulder to act like a parrot, (even though it didn't stay on), and insisting I had my own pirate ship.
what are your thoughts about getting older

I had gotten my son a weighted blanket when he was little it was neat- he loves weight on him and deep pressure, rolling up as a burrito in a blanket and rolling back out. I never used it but it wasnt that hot or heavy - maybe 5 lbs all spread out. it used beans or something inside.

i don't like the idea of getting older. my gran died slowly from dementia and cancer - i think i'd like the option of euthanasia if i got dementia, although that would be difficult to implement given that one's state of mind would decline.

what has been the highlight of the past seven days?

Today’s weather. Beautiful warm and sunny! Probably our last bit of summer before the cold sets in.

Best moment of your life?