[Tryingtobehappy5]

So I have been off depakote for a week and a half and lithium and wellbutrin and alcohol for about a week. (Minus the half beer last night but I am not gonna restart the count for that tiny bit)

I feel great physically. My sleep has been 6-8hrs the last few nights and I havent had any of the hand tremors that I was having since going on lithium at the start of september. The only thing I really had trouble with was a little brain fog at the start and one day of headache/dizziness.

Mentally I feel better than I have in 2 years finally feel like myself, although I liked the euphoric hypo/manic episodes but those werent really me either. Im kind of a quiet, low grade I hate almost everything/everyone but want to help the world person. Not I love everything and everyone and want to tell you all about it.

I am still a little scared after having pdocs drill it into my head that I need their concoctions. And Im angry that I believed them and went through the hell that it caused. I feel so much more sure about it every day that I feel good and I just really dont want to find out this wont last. Im still a little worried I am bipolar but I dont believe it right now even though I did for a long time. Should I stop posting here?

Do you think this is a decent time to start feeling more hopeful? I was having mood swings almost every 2 weeks on their meds so I feel like something would have happened by now.

I am having a really hard time putting together charts when people come to the hospital for mental health issues. My mood drops instantly and I start feeling angry all over again about all of this. Work has been my main escape from thinking about any of this and now its making it worse.

And to top it all off my niece just got admitted in the city(5hrs away from me) I am so worried for her, she is only a teenager but has had a rough life just like I did as a child and I would say she is like me in a lot of ways. I am trying to be positive about it because no one tried to help me until I attemped at 17 and even then it was half a$* help so maybe this is a good thing but after this experience with this system I am having a hard time believing it is.

That was pretty random you dont have to reply to everything or at all but it feels good saying it to someone.

I'm glad you're feeling good.

((((hugs))))

[Wild Coyote]

Enjoy feeling great!

I am sorry about your niece.

Please don't stop posting here unless you desire to do so!


WC

The wrong medication mixes can be terrible. The right ones, aren't, at least in my experience. Sometimes it can be hard to know what is the biggest culprit to mental unwellness. The mental illness itself or a wrong medication mix. I warn people to keep in mind that the illness came before the medications. Something did motivate the diagnosis.

Some people with bipolar disorder get away with never being medicated, although usually with some prices to pay. Some people quit medications hoping what brought about their need (or supposed need) will never come again. Indeed there are lucky people who have few episodes in their lives, or at least milder ones going forward. However, not everyone is so lucky. It is for sure a gamble going off of medications. I am concerned when people who go off of medications glorify the "results". They may be gambling with their own future mental wellness, but they could be acting as a sort of Pied Piper for others to gamble, too.

My youngest nephew grew very frustrated with his bipolar medications. He gained lots of weight and still had severe symptoms, mostly depression. He tried to find relief, but it was tough. He even went through two series of ECTs. Then he decided to up and quit his meds. The following is what happened to him.

Possible trigger:

It seemed to be a miracle! He started feeling so much better. He lost 50 lbs. He started doing things he hadn't been able to do before. This continued for a good two years. Unfortunately, though, his reprieve ended. His depression came back with a vengeance!

For a young person, or even older person, the taste of happiness after years of hardship can be intoxicatingly wonderful. Whew! It's gone! But the return of misery can seem beyond disappointing. Hope may seem to evaporate more than ever before. It was only a few weeks before his 9th and final hospitalization. My sister called 911 when he threatened his life.

At the hospital, my nephew seemed to miraculously improve in two days. The doctors hadn't even put him back on a therapeutic dose of any medication before he asked to leave feeling "better". One week passed at home again on barely any medication. My sister went to work on a Saturday just briefly to finish some work. My brother-in-law and other nephew were out shopping. When they all returned home they didn't see my nephew. They called, but there was no response. Scared, my brother-in-law went down to the basement. My youngest nephew was there. But gone.

I struggled with side effects of all extremes and medication mixes that seemed all wrong for a good five years. Damn! I bit the bitter and learned patience and tolerance like never before. Then I found a medication mix that really made a difference! And it proved its efficacy many times over. It's been eight years since my last of 10 hospitalizations. I've had some challenges since, but lots of successes, too. I am so happy with where I am now compared to where I had been before my diagnosis, and struggles to find the right treatment. I'm alive and happy. My nephew isn't. I have hope for the future and have learned so much along my journey. I truly feel safe. You couldn't take my medications away if you tried. My doctors and I persisted and it paid off.

I sometimes feel so angry at the hospital who let my nephew go home on barely any medication. Far below a therapeutic level. If he had stayed there longer and was sufficiently treated, would things be different?

I'm glad you feel so well. I hope you remain well. If you don't, I wish you the patience and determination to find a medication or medication mix (or whatever) that will help you better and keep you safe. If you need support, I am here right now and would be happy to share some. I don't, however, happen to feel happy about your quitting medications. How could I? I'm sorry.

[Wild Coyote]

BirdDancer,

Thanks so very much for sharing.
I am very sorry about the loss of your nephew.
Thanks for taking the time to make some very important points.


WC

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Im sorry about your nephew. I hate that I ever even consider that way out because I can only imagine how hard it would be on my family. I have three little boys and a husband who I know love me.

I hadnt been suicidal in 10 years and never had a manic episode until I started meds. I know I will deal with depression again. Its a major part of my life but I hope it will be less extreme, the way it used to be.

Thank you for the reminder to keep a level head about it though and I certainly am not encouraging others to go off their medication but for me this has literally been the worst 2 years of my entire life and I dont know how to not blame the meds when I have been high as a kite or trying to end my life almost all the time.

I did have one period where I figured I could do a lot of things I had never done before and started a lot of projects before crashing into a fairly bad depression which is when I finally went on meds but Im not sure if that was hypomania or anything. Other than that possibly and the way I react to antidepressants there is nothing else in my life that makes me think the bipolar diagnosis is right. Although I guess my Dad and sister also have this diagnosis but meds always worked fine according to them. None of this sh** to deal with. This is just all so hard.

[still_crazy]

-sigh-

i need psych drugs ("meds") in large part because of the mental health industry. i doubt im the only one, either. come in confused, troubled...end up a "mental patient." classic story, actually.

so, i guess...if you can make a go of things without the shrinks and the drugs and...everything...its definitely worth a shot. with a good support system, family, etc., i could see it as do-able. and...if you can stop the heavy psych drugs before they change your brain so much that you need them or you get serious problems...more power to you, honestly.

[Pookyl]

BirdDancer, Thank you for sharing your story.
Part of my story is that my son made an attempt on his life when I was in hospital extremely unwell after mucking around with my meds.
I made a decision there and then to be compliant with my meds and to stop self medicating with booze.
Yes I hate my meds for a whole lot of reasons. But my kids (and hubby) need me around more.

[~Christina]

Glad your feeling good

Just something to keep in mind

Every Med has a half life so it takes time ( not just days) to get out of your system and then your brain has to go back to functioning without the medication

When I quit lithium years ago it took my brain over 2 months to reset its self

Just food for thought YMMV

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will keep my hope in check. I also went back to using my mood tracker when I went off and quit drinking. I had quit updating it when I started drinking a lot again a few weeks back. I have a hard time remembering how I have been if its not written down and I dont want to trick myself into things are going better or worse than they really are.

I definitely worry about the meds changing my brain and then me truly needing them. Another reason I finally quit them. I feel like if I dont find out now if I truly need them later it will be too late. I also believe somewhat in the possibility of kindling so I do wonder if those episodes have already done something. But I guess I will find out.

[Victoria'smom]

Are you working? I ask because seeing a therapist is a good idea for you. Just so they can track your mood too. Some therapist won't work with certain unmedicated patients. (ie. me). I believe in kindling basically every episode you have your disease gets worse. Does your husband know you're off medication? what are his thoughts? I'm all for no or low medication as long as you can keep yourself safe and protect your family from your episodes. Don't let it be a yo-yo thing though. If your off meds try for x amount of months unless you are hospitalized. Even if that means doing intensive outpatient program or partial hospitalization program. If you go back on meds commit to x years and therapy before trying to be med free / low meds again.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Are you working? I ask because seeing a therapist is a good idea for you. Just so they can track your mood too. Some therapist won't work with certain unmedicated patients. (ie. me). I believe in kindling basically every episode you have your disease gets worse. Does your husband know you're off medication? what are his thoughts? I'm all for no or low medication as long as you can keep yourself safe and protect your family from your episodes. Don't let it be a yo-yo thing though. If your off meds try for x amount of months unless you are hospitalized. Even if that means doing intensive outpatient program or partial hospitalization program. If you go back on meds commit to x years and therapy before trying to be med free / low meds again.

I am working I just have a term position but Im in Canada so I luckily dont have to pay for therapy/pdoc and my husband has good insurance for the meds if I do need them.

I see my therapist every couple weeks. I see her tomorrow. Both her and my husband know. Only pdoc doesnt so far. My husband is fine with the idea. He is a little nervous as well but life has been so hard on him with all my episodes and hospitalizations since I started them that he has pretty much the same thoughts as me on trying without the meds again.

We dont have iop or php here unfortunately. I think that is very smart to set an amount of time to try it for or to agree to go back on meds for if I need to. Thank you because I can see myself going back and forth without having a plan ahead of time.