Hypo or desensitized

Well I got 6 hrs sleep so that was pretty good.

I have been weighing myself every day and spending a lot of time looking at myself which also is not normal for me.

Well this morning Im down 6lbs(not necessary but looks good) So I looked at myself in the mirror and the thought I had was - at least I'll look good when they burn me to a crisp(I want to be cremated) My other thought was it was funny to think of it as the weight I lost since going off gods drugs since I prefer the devil haha. You know since everyone says things about the devils drugs lol. Does that ever happen all I have read about is people being more religious. Can it go the other way during hypomania or is this just me. I suppose I lean that way most of the time. My family was religious and I basicaly believe I am going to hell anyway and dont have a problem with it.

I dont have any SI right now so do you think aloof thoughts like that are likely a symptom of being hypo or desensitization re: the end after trying so many times.

Do you know that its going to end badly or am I fine and making this up in my head and how do I stop if my extreme awareness of what happens next is really just because I am fine.

I’m going to be honest. Most of your recent posts have sounded hypomanic. Especially since people close to you are concerned, I would be too. Now this might not end badly, as some people can have hypomania and never progress to mania, and never crash into depression. However in my experience and reading stories here on the boards, this is VERY rare. So I would be careful. I know you don’t want meds so I would focus on getting into therapy to focus on developing coping skills to help you get through this without ruining your life.

((((Tryingtobehappy5)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. Do you see a therapist?

Thank you both

I was debating whether I should email my therapist today. What I really wanted to do was skip our appt on Friday but you are right I have to figure this out if I dont want to risk ending up back in the hospital. Ive only been home 2 months.

Anyways I emailed her and just told her I am not sure if Im ok and that maybe my Dr and H arent so wrong to be concerned.

I dont know what will happen next because I still am doing alright and dont want to go back on meds but I feel like I did the right thing for now at least.

I'll second everything in wildflower's post. I really believe you're up too, based on recent posts.

Im just so sick of being depressed. Im finally getting stuff done, my house is finally clean, I emailed the people I needed to about school, I did some reno work, Im running and dancing again and happy with myself.

Why cant I just be happy

Trying all my life to find this elusive happiness.

(Haha thats the third time today I casually slipped a word like that into my writing, elusive, prerequisite, subsequent. Seriously Im way more eloquent like this, other than the swearing which has gotten a little more out of control) (oh god add eloquent to the list of forgotten words I am suddenly using lol)

Just reread my original post. Aloof and desensitized are also not words I use in my life normally haha

Oh, I TOTALLY understand. I love it too. But it's good to be aware of in case it escalates or turns on you. Also to consider the crash, if that is how it tends to go for you. Lots of

On meds I always crashed hard except the one time when they changed my meds before I managed to crash and I came down fine from that one. All others have been fairly catastrophic crashes ending with attempts.

I suppose I dont seem to be any different off meds, I was hoping I would be better.

I didnt hate lithium and welbutrin so much. I mostly just wanted off the depakote at first but pdoc said no. But the lithium gave me tremors when using fine motor skills like cutting a paper or putting toothpaste on a toothbrush. And the welbutrin makes me very sick to my stomach so I just quit it all hoping it would be a positive thing. I cant be shaky if I want to be a paramedic but of course I cant be unstable either.

Its easier to ignore the instability though because I feel so confident so Im able to really make good plans and follow through.

Uh I dont know Im screwed no matter what I do. Nice life