[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I lost to my Farther to leukemia he fought so hard and long. For me because of just watching him fighy daily and go through so many horrible side effects to meds and just the hell of cancer taking bit and pieces daily. I often have nightmares and in tears. He was my best friend.

Thanks, I'm sorry for your loss

My mom was diagnosed then died just 9 months later. She deteriorated so fast from seemingly perfectly healthy, it was really scary to see

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Thanks, I'm sorry for your loss

My mom was diagnosed then died just 9 months later. She deteriorated so fast from seemingly perfectly healthy, it was really scary to see

cancer is the worst word ever said.

[wildflowerchild25]

Had a good day today. Even though it was cold, it was sunny and that took away some of the chill in the air. This week it’s supposed to get totally frigid though, so we will see how my mood holds up. I think as long as it stays sunny I should be ok. It’s the cold and the gray that really gets me down.

RS and I took my son up to my grandparents house so we could tell my grandma put away her Christmas decorations. I accidentally told my grandpa about the fact that the kitchen needs to be remodeled in my house (that is really my mom’s house) and he got all up in arms. My bad lol. Oh well. Other than that it was a nice visit. Then my mom agreed to watch my son so RS and I could go out alone. We haven’t been out alone since before Christmas. We went to a nice restaurant/bar that my brother and his wife used to frequent. It was good. Then we went to this place that does hatchet throwing. We had a great time throwing hatchets for an hour! Seriously, it was so much fun. I made eleven hatchets stick in the wall whereas RS only got one. Seriously kicked his *** lol. All in good fun. Then we came back for some cuddle time before he had to go. I wanted him to stay another night but I knew he had to get up early to help his uncle fix up his jeep. So I reluctantly let him go.

Things are going so well with RS. We’re talking about our future together and neither one of us is nervous about it. It’s like we just belong together. I’m hoping it continues this way. I’m really in love with this man and I hope our love just continues to grow for each other.

In other news I feel awful about myself. I’ve been binge eating for three days because of PMS and then being on my period and I feel disgusting and fat. I gained back two of the four pounds I lost. Gonna try to get back on track tomorrow. I was doing better when I wasn’t eating fast food. Gonna try to get back on that train. I’m gonna make something tomorrow for dinner though I’m not sure what. I’m gonna make Thai curry chicken for dinner on Monday. That will be good. Really easy. That’s what I need, easy recipes. If there’s too many ingredients I won’t make it. And what I really need to do is go home for lunch instead of buying but I like being able to drive around and listen to my music for awhile at lunch time. So I usually go grab something to eat from the convenience store and then drive around while I eat it. I gotta stop doing that. And I need to get back to the gym.

Sigh. Someday I will truly commit to eating better. Someday.

yesterday I ordered takeout from the newly opened pizza place. it was nice, I had meat feast with chicken wings

after dinner I watched WWE main event (most of it was good, though I wasn't too kean on the last part)

discovered a new group yesterday called bts (and a new type of music, K-POP) which I think is awesome.

sleep didn't happen for me yesterday and nor did rest

chronic pain not letting up at all and back's really stiff

not much to do today... watch a bit of tv I missed last week (if I can be bothered), and cook something for dinner.

ffeel okay, just the pain sucks. it really, really sucks

Originally Posted by ~Christina

cancer is the worst word ever said.

I'm sorry Christina and Blue Bird for your losses. I know how horrible it is to lose a parent. My siblings and I lost my mom to cancer about 15 years ago. My mom was fairly young at 61. We had little time to prepare ourselves. We didn't even really know anything that serious was wrong with her until a couple weeks before she passed. Her cancer diagnosis didn't come until after she passed.

Yesterday my husband helped me find some new potential therapists to call this week. I'm just not satisfied with my current one of about 6 months. I gave the relationship a chance, but concluded that I've taken steps backwards instead of forwards. She's sort of nice, I guess, but doesn't do anything or offer me anything. The relationship is wasting my time and money. Plus, she totally doesn't understand me. I get the feeling that she thinks I'm from outer space.

After about 9 months since our deck fire we're finally getting it fixed. I can't wait. They say they should be done this Wednesday. We'll need to wait some months to stain it, but that's OK.

I'm going to push myself to visit my dad and nephew today. I sort of promised them. My husband said he'd go along. I need to call them soon to confirm a time. My husband said he wanted to go in the morning, but it's already almost 9:30 am and hubby is sleeping.

[Sunflower123]

Doxepin isn’t working for my insomnia so I guess Ambien it is. Depression is slightly better today. Still exhausted and burned out.

My brother is being discharged tomorrow. I visited him yesterday and he seems much improved and more positive. I hope so. Took mom to doctor Friday and he discharged her to PT. My pdoc told me firmly Thursday to take it easy until I’m sleeping more than 2-4 hours a night and that’s what I’m about to do. (Sorry if I already mentioned that. My mind is mush right now). I got them through their individual crises...I’m getting some rest. It wouldn’t be good to have three of three down.

I joined three new meet ups: one about nature journaling, one about self care and one drum circle. I had been borrowing drums up to this point but am looking to purchase my own. I have a few picked out on Amazon that I really like.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week ahead. Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Doxepin isn’t working for my insomnia so I guess Ambien it is. Depression is slightly better today. Still exhausted and burned out.

My brother is being discharged tomorrow. I visited him yesterday and he seems much improved and more positive. I hope so. Took mom to doctor Friday and he discharged her to PT. My pdoc told me firmly Thursday to take it easy until I’m sleeping more than 2-4 hours a night and that’s what I’m about to do. (Sorry if I already mentioned that. My mind is mush right now). I got them through their individual crises...I’m getting some rest. It wouldn’t be good to have three of three down.

I joined three new meet ups: one about nature journaling, one about self care and one drum circle. I had been borrowing drums up to this point but am looking to purchase my own. I have a few picked out on Amazon that I really like.

I hope everyone has a peaceful week ahead. Warm wishes and hugs to all.

I am sorry you are having trouble sleeping.
I am sure you have been working hard to be there for your family members. I hope you can get some rest.

The meet ups sound very interesting.

Thinking of you and yours.
Love and prayers,

WC

[Merlin]

I've been pretty depressed, but with an increased anti-depressant dose, I've started to come out of the depths of despair.

I working again and that feels good.

I'm making plans to attend classes (on sewing, kickboxing and guitar,) and meetup groups.

I even did some Anatomy & Physiology readings yesterday.

I'm cautiously optimistic.

[hopeless2015]

I turned 48 in November, it doesn't bother me, so far anyway

[Daonnachd]

I'm scheduled for ECT this Friday, the 1st of February, but my primary psychiatrist is ill and cannot meet with me to do the second opinion. I don't know how this is going to work out. I really need the ECT this week. I needed it last week, in fact, but knew that I couldn't get in to see my primary pdoc on short notice like that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm afraid I said too much to my father. I'm having nightmares that he comes after me or my siblings with what I said. It wasn't bad, just maybe TMI but at the time it seemed ok. I had no way to know that within days he wouldn't be so confused and now I don't know if he remembered what I said. I don't know if he even remembers we were there.

I keep remembering the look in his eyes when we left and it was scary. I don't know if he was feeling hostile or if it was my memory of those eyes.

I'm feeling really anxious about this.

[Blueberrybook]

Difficult days for me lately. Having issues with the ED and stupid temporary insurance. H’s good insurance will go into effect March 1. Not that it’s the best thing ever but will be better than his old high school teacher insurance. H has a very long commute, and a lot of work he could do from home if he weren’t distracted by my daughter, even me cooking, helping her with homework.

We are going to rearrange our house/furniture to give H my office/partly our daughter’s old toy dump. At the time, we thought I would be going back to work but bipolar and panic disorder changed that. It is a project to work on gradually, then feverishly at Spring Break.

Got to work on dinner.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

This is not my month. Back in the summer/fall my cat was getting sores that required numerous rounds of steroids and antibiotics and he was diagnosed with a food protein allergy that has required quite expensive food. I made my terms with the food because it works. But now he has sores on both front paws. I have a feeling these are stress related because I was gone for 2 days last week and my mom looked in on my cats instead of their usual all day attention. He likes my mom but he doesn't get to sleep with her like he does me.

they need treatment so back to the vet we go. Poor kitty.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone I hope everyone had a good Sunday mine was busy as usual. I think all my days are busy so I don't think that matters anymore.

I went to Sunday School and Chruch with M again it was just as nice as last week. I find myself really enjoying myself.

After church we all went out to eat; M's parents; G and his wife and after lunch M's mom; G's wife and I went to get our nails done which is super nice to just bond with them.

Hugs to everyone

[Aurelius710]

Back to school and back to work.

I officially start work this week (ideally today if they can get their behinds in gear) and I am ready and nervous in equal measure. On the plus side, it's money in the pocket after that screwy financial situation with the school. On the minus, it's nowhere close to what I had coming in from my other job. But... money in the pocket.

Finally looked over my notes on my coursework with a clear head and... wow. Some of my worst work. I might actually have to start from scratch on this guy. On the plus side, I have most of the upcoming semester to work on it. On the minus... financial situation with the school.

So, you know, no pressure.

yesterday I was listening to someone on blah therapy who had bipolar and she was telling me that no one understands her and she's sick of people judging her.

I told her I don't do that kind of thing and we got to talking about celebrities with bipolar and what an inspiration they were

she then asked me what my coping methods were and I told her I like to journal, to listen to music, and to watch cartoons.

she goes... you're 25 and you like cartoons?

and diss connected

so the fact I'm too old for cartoons is more important than being understood.... okay. personally I will always watch cartoons, no matter what anyone says.

I am feeling depressed today because.... well... it is a regular, boring day

and when I say regular and boring, it doesn't even cut it

their is nothing happening today. it's almost like this day wasn't meant to be in the calendar or something

I finally got myself to leave messages for two prospective therapists. I have not been happy with my current therapist of 6 months and need someone who can help me better. I have to say that psychologists have been more helpful for me than social workers in the past, so I called two psychologists that seemed like potential good matches. There are few options left that accept my health insurance. The two I called are about 20 mins from my home by car, which is something I can manage as long as the roads aren't snowy/icy. Calling to "sell myself" in a sense is anxiety-provoking. Will either call back? If either or both do, are they taking new clients?

The idea of starting ALL over again, again, is very stressful, but I am wasting my time with my current therapist. I have to be proactive at finding good support. I must try to move forward. I really need to. Too much time is passing.

UPDATE: I actually just heard back from one of the psychologists. I actually have an appointment with her tomorrow at 9 am, though any regular appointments won't be that early in the future. I'm a little nervous. I need to finally take a much-needed shower. I don't want to look too shabby the first time I meet her. The drive is supposed to be about 20 mins, but I'll leave very early since it is commuter time still.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m in so much pain I’m about to cry. My back is hurting so much. I wanted to wait until June to get surgery done so I wouldn’t have to miss work but I’m not sure I can hold out that long. I might be better in a few days because I know I aggravated it axe throwing in Saturday so maybe it will get better and I will be able to stand the pain again. Right now I’m at a nine out of ten.

I have a test in about half an hour that will determine whether it is more joint pain or disc pain. If it is joint pain I have the option of a radio frequency ablation, where they go in and burn the nerve that is sending pain signals to the brain. But that doesn’t take care of the actual problem of the herniated disc. And it only works for six months to a year. I don’t think that’s even worth it. I’d rather do the surgery and get permanent (hopefully) relief than have the same pain six months from now. But at this point I’ll do anything.

Ugh I hope somehow this can be fixed.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Monday. I hope everyone had a good Monday. Mine was rather busy and kinda painful. I got to work and didn't have to fill in as reception which was nice; however I soon developed a rash from my desk; turns out Housekeeping ignored my note and cleaned my desk with one of their industrial strength cleaners; which I am of course very allergic too.

Found this out at my old job so I usually clean my own office and housekeeping doesn't touch it. I usually use all natural cleaners since I know that doesn't cause Contact Dermatitis. I was so annoyed because I first found out I was sensitive to certain cleansers last year and having my arm rest against my desk as I type gets my forearm very rashy and itchy. Doc remembered it from last year; obviously he was laughing at how ironic that it happened again. So now I get apply Kenalog all over my forearm since that clears it up quicker than anything and also soothes my itchiness.

I called housekeeping and yup same cleaner that caused my last reaction so I politely asked them not to clean my office that I clean it myself with cleaner I'm not allergic too. Like one reaction is bad enough lets have another reaction a year apart. Ironically its just this one cleaner; I'm not allergic to the wipes we use; I'm not allergic to the cleaners I use. I just hate having my whole right forearm covered in an itchy annoying rash; not to mention the dirty looks you get when you leave it uncovered from the patients.

M of course was concerned about a measly rash. Doc had to remind him that I've very rash prone apparently since that stupid Holter caused the same sort of reaction just in an different area granted that was due to something else. So yeah guess he is right rash prone.

Then I got a text from my father to have dinner and invite M and that was just a hot mess that I do not want to get into. Let's just say I doubt that happens again. Reminder about his age; my managed problems that I can't control. Just not a good dinner so we skipped out and got my favorite for dinner; not that I needed fast food but I wanted it.

I get to see the Cardio on Wednesday for my follow up to see if the meds are working which they are so hopefully I won't have to see him every two weeks. That would be very very nice.

Hugs to everyone

[Lefty Seven]

We live on the ragged edge of Wa'ahila Gulch, home to a healthy and boisterous population of feral pigs. Nectar accumulates within the recesses of the gulch's agave plants and ferments, and the pigs get drunk on the fermented nectar. Somehow the pigs got their filthy cloven hooves on a boom box, and last night the drunken bastards were blasting Nickelback just outside our house in the wee hours of the morning. I'm too sleep-deprived to devise a coherent retaliation strategy, but I know I'll have to start by locating their sources of batteries and Nickelback. I'm also interested in how they transport the boom box. Did they get drunk enough to invent a sled?



Feral Pigs



Nickelback

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m in so much pain I’m about to cry. My back is hurting so much. I wanted to wait until June to get surgery done so I wouldn’t have to miss work but I’m not sure I can hold out that long. I might be better in a few days because I know I aggravated it axe throwing in Saturday so maybe it will get better and I will be able to stand the pain again. Right now I’m at a nine out of ten.


I have a test in about half an hour that will determine whether it is more joint pain or disc pain. If it is joint pain I have the option of a radio frequency ablation, where they go in and burn the nerve that is sending pain signals to the brain. But that doesn’t take care of the actual problem of the herniated disc. And it only works for six months to a year. I don’t think that’s even worth it. I’d rather do the surgery and get permanent (hopefully) relief than have the same pain six months from now. But at this point I’ll do anything.


Ugh I hope somehow this can be fixed.

Oh no !!! I am so sorry your pain is this bad

Can you maybe do some physical therapy between now and summer to help settle things down?? I dunno just thinking of anything that might help.

Can you handle warm heat and ice , does that even help ?

I hope you find some relief soon

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Hello everyone and happy Monday. I hope everyone had a good Monday. Mine was rather busy and kinda painful. I got to work and didn't have to fill in as reception which was nice; however I soon developed a rash from my desk; turns out Housekeeping ignored my note and cleaned my desk with one of their industrial strength cleaners; which I am of course very allergic too.


Found this out at my old job so I usually clean my own office and housekeeping doesn't touch it. I usually use all natural cleaners since I know that doesn't cause Contact Dermatitis. I was so annoyed because I first found out I was sensitive to certain cleansers last year and having my arm rest against my desk as I type gets my forearm very rashy and itchy. Doc remembered it from last year; obviously he was laughing at how ironic that it happened again. So now I get apply Kenalog all over my forearm since that clears it up quicker than anything and also soothes my itchiness.


I called housekeeping and yup same cleaner that caused my last reaction so I politely asked them not to clean my office that I clean it myself with cleaner I'm not allergic too. Like one reaction is bad enough lets have another reaction a year apart. Ironically its just this one cleaner; I'm not allergic to the wipes we use; I'm not allergic to the cleaners I use. I just hate having my whole right forearm covered in an itchy annoying rash; not to mention the dirty looks you get when you leave it uncovered from the patients.


M of course was concerned about a measly rash. Doc had to remind him that I've very rash prone apparently since that stupid Holter caused the same sort of reaction just in an different area granted that was due to something else. So yeah guess he is right rash prone.


Then I got a text from my father to have dinner and invite M and that was just a hot mess that I do not want to get into. Let's just say I doubt that happens again. Reminder about his age; my managed problems that I can't control. Just not a good dinner so we skipped out and got my favorite for dinner; not that I needed fast food but I wanted it.


I get to see the Cardio on Wednesday for my follow up to see if the meds are working which they are so hopefully I won't have to see him every two weeks. That would be very very nice.


Hugs to everyone

Poor thing your always a mess lol

[liveforsummer]

Been pretty good lately. Reduced my zopiclone to half of the 7.5 mg tab and doing ok still. Sleep is reasonable. Lamotrigine down to 50 mg twice a day and I’m feeling better than I did on the full dose. Zoloft 100mg once daily. So I’m doing well on my slow taper. I’ve also only taken 1mg lorazapam once or twice a week which is a cut back. Had a super anxious few hours today so I distracted myself shoveling snow for 1.5 hours and it helped. My new job is still having a positive effect 3 months in so thank goodness. And that’s the update.
Mulling around next steps...

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Poor thing your always a mess lol

Thank you I needed that laugh; I did good last week but yeah I'm pretty much a mess.

How are you doing?