[MatBell]

I feel so bad about myself. I’m so low and my brain turns everything into hopelessness. Everything in my life has turned bad or is just pathetic.

I just lie in bed now. Just got back from my therapist and now I feel worse. When not even she understands/knows what to do I’m really lost.
Been suicidal for some days.

I get so scared. For life and for dying. I don’t see any way out.

What should I do?

[SneakySniper179]

Go for a hike.

Hi Matbell. Hugs to you! I've been where you are in the past, but it did indeed pass. Have you ever felt how you feel now in the past, but later it passed? If so, or even if not, it is very very likely it will definitely pass. Even the worst of times almost always get better. And I'm talking very very horrible times. Just imagine people who have been in the scariest of situations, like POWs, or people in concentration camps, or people who've become very sick physically on the verge of death. So many of these people endured having to experience the pain and practice patience and tolerance like you wouldn't believe. But when the severe situations pass, there is relief. Or even if there are lasting ramifications (i.e. PTSD), they can heal.

Sometimes when I'm severely depressed and I'm in bed almost all day, I just close my eyes and try to "turn off" the pain. I've yelled "STOP!" to destructive painful thinking. Maybe it didn't stop right away or altogether, but it did stop for bits of time to give me a break. Mindfulness is a way to redirect your thoughts. Try try hard to think of things that gave you pleasure, or things you still love. Or just lie there and concentrate on the warmth of your blanket and the softness of your pillow. If you have a pet, try to get them to be with you. Pet them. Look into their sweet eyes. Pick a book to bring back to your bed. One that you adored in earlier days. Find the passages you liked best. Kiss the book, as strange as that sounds.

Right now the sun is shining where I am. I could go all day and not notice it, or I could push myself to notice it and start concentrating on it. The more light the better. I know the birds outside are happy today.

I have bad sessions with my therapist sometimes, too. Better ones happen eventually.

[Aurelius710]

Originally Posted by MatBell

I feel so bad about myself. I’m so low and my brain turns everything into hopelessness. Everything in my life has turned bad or is just pathetic.

I just lie in bed now. Just got back from my therapist and now I feel worse. When not even she understands/knows what to do I’m really lost.
Been suicidal for some days.

I get so scared. For life and for dying. I don’t see any way out.

What should I do?

My first vote is to tell your therapist some version of what you told us. If not your therapist, someone. Family, friends. You might find they'll offer you a way back to the path. It is the old cliche "A burden shared is a burden halved."


In the meanwhile, what has made you smile in the past? Being with friends? Being with family? YouTube cat videos? Whatever it is, try and do at least one think that makes you smile.

As my family ends texts, letters to me:
Be Safe Be Cool

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Matbell. Hugs to you! I've been where you are in the past, but it did indeed pass. Have you ever felt how you feel now in the past, but later it passed? If so, or even if not, it is very very likely it will definitely pass. Even the worst of times almost always get better. And I'm talking very very horrible times. Just imagine people who have been in the scariest of situations, like POWs, or people in concentration camps, or people who've become very sick physically on the verge of death. So many of these people endured having to experience the pain and practice patience and tolerance like you wouldn't believe. But when the severe situations pass, there is relief. Or even if there are lasting ramifications (i.e. PTSD), they can heal.

Sometimes when I'm severely depressed and I'm in bed almost all day, I just close my eyes and try to "turn off" the pain. I've yelled "STOP!" to destructive painful thinking. Maybe it didn't stop right away or altogether, but it did stop for bits of time to give me a break. Mindfulness is a way to redirect your thoughts. Try try hard to think of things that gave you pleasure, or things you still love. Or just lie there and concentrate on the warmth of your blanket and the softness of your pillow. If you have a pet, try to get them to be with you. Pet them. Look into their sweet eyes. Pick a book to bring back to your bed. One that you adored in earlier days. Find the passages you liked best. Kiss the book, as strange as that sounds.

Right now the sun is shining where I am. I could go all day and not notice it, or I could push myself to notice it and start concentrating on it. The more light the better. I know the birds outside are happy today.

I have bad sessions with my therapist sometimes, too. Better ones happen eventually.

Thank you BirdDancer.

When I'm very low my mind tricks me into thinking it will never be good again. Or I think that I'm just gonna get depressed again sooner or later, like it always has been. So why not just end it now? I should have done it a long time ago. And I keep blaming myself, how I waste my life while everyone else is out there advancing their lives and I'm always stuck behind. Do you feel like that too?

Yes, I like to read too. I can get away from things and sometimes get in a meditative state. Or I just lie there and make the time go by.
I would really want a pet, I think it could do a lot of good for me. I love animals. The problem right now is I don't think I could afford it with vet checks and so on. But I often think about it.

Could you go swimming? Water can help to soothe you.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Aurelius710

My first vote is to tell your therapist some version of what you told us. If not your therapist, someone. Family, friends. You might find they'll offer you a way back to the path. It is the old cliche "A burden shared is a burden halved."


In the meanwhile, what has made you smile in the past? Being with friends? Being with family? YouTube cat videos? Whatever it is, try and do at least one think that makes you smile.

As my family ends texts, letters to me:
Be Safe Be Cool

Yes it helps to share. Like in here. I don't have a lot of people to turn to unfortunately.
I try to do things that make me smile. When I'm too depressed everything gets extra hard. I just stare into space and the mind races.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi MatBell,

I have read many of your posts over time and am so sorry you struggle so with depression. It can become so very demoralizing.

I wrestle with severe depression. too. I often feel so very hopeless, too.

There are some great responses above!
I haven't a lot to add right now. I tend to use the approaches already suggested.

I do want to tell you that I feel your pain and that things will change with time and with some effort. I know when I am severely depressed, I do not feel I have the extra energy to put effort into strategies for getting through depression and I wonder if it's even worth it. I have learned to push myself to do some of the things I REALLY do not want to do and/or am convinced I cannot do. This strategy of "doing the opposite" of what I feel like doing is very helpful to me.

I know your depression is very obstinate and also very serious. My heart goes out to you.

I hope you can find some helpful coping strategies.
Depression can be a very difficult beast.

Take good care of yourself while waiting for the depression to pass and/or let up.

Please keep reaching out.


WC

[roxyanne1]

Thanks for sharing...all of you...i am just like this today...hits me in the mornings as i wake so early...4am and it makes the day so long. My doggie is my life, i live for her. I know it will pass but dosent make itany easier.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by roxyanne1

Thanks for sharing...all of you...i am just like this today...hits me in the mornings as i wake so early...4am and it makes the day so long. My doggie is my life, i live for her. I know it will pass but dosent make itany easier.

Hi roxyanne1,

I can relate. I have been awakening to severe depression and truly do not want to get up. I just want to sleep... or worse. It helps me that there are other people in the house and we have a morning routine.

I miss my service dog very much!
She'd passed on a few years ago now. I am not living in a situation conducive to having any kind of an animal right now, unfortunately.

I am glad you have your doggie. They can be so helpful.


WC

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by roxyanne1

Thanks for sharing...all of you...i am just like this today...hits me in the mornings as i wake so early...4am and it makes the day so long. My doggie is my life, i live for her. I know it will pass but dosent make itany easier.

I hope you get better too roxyanne. I really know how it is to wake early, 4-5am with terrible anxiety and dread. It’s so horrible. I had it last summer. I hope you get through it fast. Good you have a dog, they are life savers.

[MatBell]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Hi MatBell,


I have read many of your posts over time and am so sorry you struggle so with depression. It can become so very demoralizing.


I wrestle with severe depression. too. I often feel so very hopeless, too.


There are some great responses above!

I haven't a lot to add right now. I tend to use the approaches already suggested.


I do want to tell you that I feel your pain and that things will change with time and with some effort. I know when I am severely depressed, I do not feel I have the extra energy to put effort into strategies for getting through depression and I wonder if it's even worth it. I have learned to push myself to do some of the things I REALLY do not want to do and/or am convinced I cannot do. This strategy of "doing the opposite" of what I feel like doing is very helpful to me.


I know your depression is very obstinate and also very serious. My heart goes out to you.


I hope you can find some helpful coping strategies.

Depression can be a very difficult beast.


Take good care of yourself while waiting for the depression to pass and/or let up.


Please keep reaching out.




WC

Thanks WC.
I try to do the opposite too. I did it today, and it does work. Sometimes it just gets too much though and you just give up. I just hope it gets better. I can’t have a year like last year, it has to be better or I can’t go on like this. Best not to think that far ahead..

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by MatBell

Thanks WC.
I try to do the opposite too. I did it today, and it does work. Sometimes it just gets too much though and you just give up. I just hope it gets better. I can’t have a year like last year, it has to be better or I can’t go on like this. Best not to think that far ahead..

I often get ahead of myself, too. I do best if/when I remember to take the day moment-by-moment.

Yes, I agree that as depression worsens, it's increasingly difficult to engage in these types of strategies. I don't mean to minimize your struggles with depression at all.

There is such a thing as truly paralyzing depression, which is a special sort of hell all its own. I am so very close to that right now.

Thinking of you, hoping you get some relief soon.


WC