[BonsaiGuy]

I apologize for the long post, but I've been needing to open up about this for some time and I am looking for your love and support.

I have suffered from Bi-Polar II disorder for as long as I can remember. When given a written or verbal quiz from mental health professionals to flush out whether or not I qualify as having this disorder, the answer is always undoubtedly the same... Yes.

For years, I have coped with my various mental disorders by abusing narcotics. As many of you can relate to, I began to become addicted not only to the dangerous substances I was abusing, but also the destructive and violent lifestyle that accompanies active addiction.

My days would blend together in a mess of completely unorganized madness. The interesting thing about that reality was this. I became so used to the chaos that I began to enjoy it. It became the only thing I knew. My ups and downs went from a predictable carousel to the extreme highs and lows of mountain tops and valleys. My soul was being eroded and my death was slowly coming into view.

After suffering 3 overdoses in a single month, the reality of the situation finally hit me. I buckled down and crafted my own recovery program. This program included getting on MAT (medicated assisted treatment), reading recovery literature, going to group therapy sessions, going to AA/NA meetings, getting a therapist, changing my phone number, and never ever making contact with my drug dealers ever again.

This was a huge victory in itself and really helped to address my SUD (substance use disorder). I stayed sober... Not a single slip up. The longest period of sobriety since age 13.

Not to overshadow this great victory, but my Bi-Polar II disorder really began to take hold at this point. This led me to start medication treatment and that has had a profound and wonderful impact on me, my relationships, and my life as a whole.

Lately, I've been working really hard in establishing structure to my life in order to cope with this disorder and allow myself to live a more centered and focused life. I have a journal and I write constantly. I have joined this forum and have been met with more love and support than I ever could have imagined. I have established a routine and for the first time ever I keep a date book. I make lists. I try to keep a consistent daily schedule.

All these things have been wonderful, yet I am still looking for ways, tips, tricks to living a more structured and purposeful life. What has been most impact in your life? Even with medication, how do you do it day in and day out? No suggestion is a bad one, I promise. I am looking for anything and everything.

I don't ever want to go back there, but I would like some insight on blazing the trail moving forward.

Thank you for sharing your story, BonsaiGuy! And you have made such significant changes in your life. That is to be highly admired, and I am so glad that you rightly feel the benefits.

Recovery (the whole package) is certainly a journey and an incredible learning experience. It can indeed take a lot of time and patience. Keep looking forward. If something pushes you backwards or knocks you over, that's OK. Look forward again. There is a quote that I really appreciate. It is:

"Courage isn't always a lion's roar, it is also the silence of an ant working patiently persistently and never giving up." - Unknown source

I'm still on disability. I'm definitely not planning on being on disability for my whole life. I take baby steps forward. In the meantime, I do try to create a bit of a structure in my life as a preparation for more responsibilities and "regularity". I get up at the same time. I take my medications reliably at the same time. I communicate thoroughly and honestly with my psychiatrist. I have spent time learning what my triggers are so that I recognize them quicker than in the past. I have become more insightful into symptoms developing, and have created a mental wellness "toolbox" - strategies and steps to take when I see myself becoming ill.

I am a major proponent of finding simple pleasures in life. Yes, I like big pleasures, but if you live and wait only for the big ones, you're missing out on a lot and creating a dysfunctional situation where you always feel unfulfilled and disappointed. The longer you feel like that, the more apt you are to feel hopelessness. Mindfulness is part of finding simple pleasures. When I first learned about mindfulness, I didn't understand it and thought it was charlatanry, but it isn't. You do not have to be religious or spiritual to enjoy mindfulness. It's not like that.

Be sure to celebrate these wonderful accomplishments you've made, in a healthy way. Celebrate the very small ones you make, too. I agree that forums like this one, on PC, are a great place to do that. We understand the significance of them. We all need a bit of cheer-leading and kudos.

Welcome to PC, BonsaiGuy! And congratulations on all your hard work and successes! Impressive!

Probably the best thing I've done for stability (besides meds) would be regulating my sleep/wake times better. I used to be a nightowl and often get very little sleep. Now it's not perfect, but it is far more consistent. It's been a big help. For a long time I didn't want to believe it would help so much (because I wanted to keep doing what I was doing), but it really did help.

[downandlonely]

Welcome BonsaiGuy!

You have made some big and important changes in your life.

I agree with what Innerzone said about sleep. I have clinical depression and therefore need more sleep than a lot of other people. I tried to fight it in college because I wanted to pull all-nighters like the other students. But I have come to accept that's how it is.

I think going to support groups is a really good thing. I go to a support group for people with mental illnesses and find it incredibly helpful. I'm sure going to groups like NA and AA are helpful for you.

I don't know if you have time for more groups, but if you do you can look into dbsalliance.org and nami.org.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I wish I had suggestions but I have never had any follow through with routine and structure. Hopefully now that I am back on meds and away from substances I can also find some way to calm the rest of my life.

Great job on all you have accomplished! I dont think I could have managed to find my way out on my own, its incredibly impressive.

I'll definitely be following the responses here. Hopefully you will get what you are looking for and maybe I can try again too

[BonsaiGuy]

Downandlonely, Innerzone, Tryingtobehappy5 and Birddancer thank you so much for your replies!

I initially didn't think too much about sleep and appreciate you bringing it up. Since I am on MAT for my opiate addiction, I generally wake up at around the same time each day to go and receive my medication. I believe this has been incredibly helpful in all areas of my life and the benefits of establishing a routine, especially an early one, are endless. However, I could make a better effort at getting to bed around the same time each night.

Thank you for the suggestion of the groups, downandlonely. I will take a look at these and see if they are worth incorporating into my recovery program.

All of you rock! Thank you so much for the love and insight.

[Lunatrickster]

Thank you so much for your post. I relate to a lot of what you said. I also have struggled with addictions prior to my formal BP1 diagnosis. I think it took them so long to diagnose me correctly because I would ******** about my symptoms and behaviors and just talk about my anxiety; mainly because I was ashamed of it and also because I wanted big benzo scripts. I quit alcohol pretty early and was stable for a while but then got hooked on oxy; got off that with suboxone and then got off that. Four or five years later I had a complete psychotic/manic episode and then I was finally diagnosed. I used marijuana for about four years after that and that just made my symptoms worse in the long run. I say all this to say that I can’t agree enough that routine is everything. I am religious about my sleep. I take my meds every single day without question. I have a psychiatrist and a therapist. I run and do yoga. And about a year ago I started meditating every day. That was probably the best life choice I’ve ever made. As a direct result of that I was able to stop smoking weed and am now clean and sober. Twelve step is great but not for me, so I go to Refuge Recovery which is a recovery program based on Buddhist principles. Its given me not only sobriety but friends; I’m not so isolated anymore. I highly suggest checking out the book and a meeting if they have one in your area. Congratulations on your program and thanks for your post, keep up the good work and stay positive 😊🙏

[sarahsweets]

I too am in recovery. I am an alcoholic. I also go to AA meetings and have been sober 6 years. Emotional sobriety to me doesnt always come along with physical sobriety. I know that I got "clean" but wasn't sober- that part came a bit after I got clean. Having a sponsor help along with the steps. I also have BPII and the chaos of that with the active addiction was off the hook. I did a lot of damage. Little routines helped at first. I always wake up and go to bed in the same window of time 7 days a week. I did that because after getting sober I could no longer take sleep meds responsibly so I had to figure something out on my own. My mornings are pretty structured. I set my alarm and start my coffee which I set up the night before. I take my meds and in about 5 minutes the coffee is ready. I sit in what I like to call "my lair" which is just an area alone where I can have a cigarette, drink my coffee and fool around on the internet (like now). I do my dishes every morning. I do not always have an empty sink but 75% of the time its empty and I wipe down the counters. (I used to have overflowing kitchen mess when I was drinking or high) I am at my best in the early morning. My husband is the first one up(before the kids) so in order for me to have an hour to myself I wake up at 4 and I love it. Most people think I am crazy but its my favorite time of day. After the husband comes down I help him out with getting his lunch together. My youngest wakes up at 530. My other kids are older now but it used to be: Me-4am, husband-5am, oldest-515am, middle- 600 am, youngest 630am. My son is at college and my 18 year old lives in sober housing so its just the youngest and she is really good. Once everyone is out the door I like to continue doing internet/phone call stuff until about 10 and then I start working on a pressing issue or chore.

I had to accept the fact that my house will never be perfect. I will always have too much laundry to do. I will always have an errand to run. I do not work so "homemaker" has been my reluctant title. I got sober going to all noon meetings in the beginning but realized that I needed to expand my network of women and now go to evening meetings.
This is probably a lame example of my day but even these loosely crafted days have helped me stay sober. I structured my time around the "grand family schedule". The other thing I use us a giant wall calender. If its not on that calender then it doesnt exist. I know I could rely on my phone but its much easier to use the calender with everyone's stuff on it. I hope this helps.

[BonsaiGuy]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I too am in recovery. I am an alcoholic. I also go to AA meetings and have been sober 6 years. Emotional sobriety to me doesnt always come along with physical sobriety. I know that I got "clean" but wasn't sober- that part came a bit after I got clean. Having a sponsor help along with the steps. I also have BPII and the chaos of that with the active addiction was off the hook. I did a lot of damage. Little routines helped at first. I always wake up and go to bed in the same window of time 7 days a week. I did that because after getting sober I could no longer take sleep meds responsibly so I had to figure something out on my own. My mornings are pretty structured. I set my alarm and start my coffee which I set up the night before. I take my meds and in about 5 minutes the coffee is ready. I sit in what I like to call "my lair" which is just an area alone where I can have a cigarette, drink my coffee and fool around on the internet (like now). I do my dishes every morning. I do not always have an empty sink but 75% of the time its empty and I wipe down the counters. (I used to have overflowing kitchen mess when I was drinking or high) I am at my best in the early morning. My husband is the first one up(before the kids) so in order for me to have an hour to myself I wake up at 4 and I love it. Most people think I am crazy but its my favorite time of day. After the husband comes down I help him out with getting his lunch together. My youngest wakes up at 530. My other kids are older now but it used to be: Me-4am, husband-5am, oldest-515am, middle- 600 am, youngest 630am. My son is at college and my 18 year old lives in sober housing so its just the youngest and she is really good. Once everyone is out the door I like to continue doing internet/phone call stuff until about 10 and then I start working on a pressing issue or chore.

I had to accept the fact that my house will never be perfect. I will always have too much laundry to do. I will always have an errand to run. I do not work so "homemaker" has been my reluctant title. I got sober going to all noon meetings in the beginning but realized that I needed to expand my network of women and now go to evening meetings.
This is probably a lame example of my day but even these loosely crafted days have helped me stay sober. I structured my time around the "grand family schedule". The other thing I use us a giant wall calender. If its not on that calender then it doesnt exist. I know I could rely on my phone but its much easier to use the calender with everyone's stuff on it. I hope this helps.

I certainly hope this isn't a "lame" example of a day because it's a pretty accurate example of mine! I can relate entirely to your post and honestly, it has confirmed that I am on the right track. I too wake up early, no later than 5:00am every morning. This gives me about an hour where it's just me and lets my wife sleep-in a couple hours. I feel that the early mornings are mine for the taking and help me establish a routine where I feel totally in control in a very healthy way. I certainly feel as if I am best in the mornings. I wake up, make my coffee, and take my meds... In the half hour or so where I may feel a little scattered, on edge, and quite frankly "unmedicated" I log in here, get some morning updates from everyone here, then I watch the news for a little bit.

Waking up this early has made me feel really complete. I recently read a book called "The Miracle Morning" and it seems to confirm a lot about what we've discovered in this wonderful morning time.

Thank you for sharing your routine (and even sharing your morning) with me

[AspiringAuthor]

I do not have addictions, but I am +1 on the importance of sleep-wake cycle, and I go to bed between 8-9PM on most nights. I also am a completely changed person in terms of punctuality - whereas before I would continually be running late, now I make it a point to be exactly on time. Before, I did not even know the pleasures of calling somebody exactly when it was agreed - if I said I would call at 4:30PM I would call at 4:30 and not at 4:29 or 4:31. Of course I make use of Google Calendar for it but Google Calendar does not call or go places for me - it just helps me with organization and reminders.

There is a lot to be said for reducing the number of decisions you make about mundane matters ("minimizing decision-making fatigue"), which in turn allows to focus on more important decisions and longer term planning, as well as on enjoying life in the moment without always thinking about choosing what your next step is. Some people, including content authors on the PsychCentral site, take it to an extreme and eat the same things over and over again - I take a middle ground and choose from a limited set of dishes I enjoy making and eating.

When I have time to make my bed, I feel so much better, and apparently there is research that explains why this is so.

I have a limited set of clothes which can be combined and mixed-and-matched.

I do laundry every other Saturday. I see my psychiatrist every other Saturday (on alternating Saturdays with laundry).

On Saturdays I cook enough soup to last a week.

Eggs for breakfast plus some variation in vegetables.

When I prepare next day's clothing the night before, next morning has less stress associated with it.

Spreadsheet with finances reconciled once a month, shortly after my American Express statement is posted and can be downloaded as a .CSV file.

Everything that can be purchased from Amazon purchased from Amazon, without comparison shopping. I do make some exceptions, but they are few. When I reconcile finances, I compare the AmEx statements against Amazon order list because they have been known to overcharge me and then I file a dispute via American Express.

Making sure you put "money" in different "bank accounts" - I have learned it from somebody. You need to read books, converse with real people (Skype, email, phone, but ideally Skype or phone or in person so that there is voice and not just text), clean, shop, walk. In your position you probably will soon be ready to volunteer somewhere helping others with recovery, which will be deeply gratifying for you, so routinizing such volunteering - putting money into the volunteering bank on a regular basis - will be a source of strength. I know for me if I go to the public library I tap into the strength of being part of a community of people who value knowledge and books and even though I do not have time to participate in all sorts of volunteering events our library hosts, I read flyers and it already makes me feel good - just knowing that the events are out there.

I speak to my former teacher on Skype every Sunday. He is very lonely and the conversations are important for him and I know he depends on me and of course I feel better knowing that I provide support for him; as for me, the routine of having our conversation weekly creates a structure (of course I always am happy to hear his voice). My adult son and I have been trying to talk each weekend via Facebook call, but it has been hit or miss; I hope eventually we get the hang of it - he understands me well and has his own mental health issues (anxiety).

I think for you it would be figuring out what you like accidentally or occasionally and then making a conscious effort of routinizing it.

Another very good older friend and essentially guardian angel of mine shared her trick and I packed away almost all my dishes and silverware so I am now forced to wash the dishes and not accumulate them in the sink. My roommate has a different solution - he buys (high quality) disposable dishes. I use a mixture of their solutions and since I started on this path, cleaning up after my meals has actually become a pleasurable task.

If you have extra time, you can try adult coloring, letting your thoughts take you anywhere they wish while you trace intricate design and select colors that appeal. I have read newspaper clippings that reported that the brain responds to this activity in the same way it does to meditation.

Since you yourself are interested in routinizing your life, you would enjoy reading this book - Treating Bipolar Disorder: A Clinician's Guide to Interpersonal and Social Rhythm Therapy (Guides to Individualized Evidence-Based Treatment): 9781593854652: Medicine & Health Science Books @ Amazon.com - it is also the only evidence-based therapy that has been developed specifically for the bipolar disorder and authors explain how the disorder can be conceptualized as dysregulation of circadian rhythms. The therapy is an adjunct to pharmacotherapy. The therapy focuses on both social rhythms and interpersonal relationships and come to think of it, sometimes it is hard to separate one from the other - say, I go to yoga weekly but it is not just the yoga itself, it is also a few pleasant exchanges with our wonderful instructor, i.e. the social aspect of the happening, that matters. The book has a quantitative part that you will fill out, noting when you drink your first morning beverage, when you have your first interaction with another human (via any medium), etc. Then you compute your overall rhythm metric and you can track overtime how your life becomes more and more regularized. I think you will enjoy this approach.

[sarahsweets]

Wow, we must have been siblings in another life because I so identify with you!

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

I do not have addictions, but I am +1 on the importance of sleep-wake cycle, and I go to bed between 8-9PM on most nights. I also am a completely changed person in terms of punctuality - whereas before I would continually be running late, now I make it a point to be exactly on time. Before, I did not even know the pleasures of calling somebody exactly when it was agreed - if I said I would call at 4:30PM I would call at 4:30 and not at 4:29 or 4:31. Of course I make use of Google Calendar for it but Google Calendar does not call or go places for me - it just helps me with organization and reminders.

Me too, I am almost obsessively on time, nearly always early by a few because being late gives me anxiety-in the old days I was late a lot.

There is a lot to be said for reducing the number of decisions you make about mundane matters ("minimizing decision-making fatigue"), which in turn allows to focus on more important decisions and longer term planning, as well as on enjoying life in the moment without always thinking about choosing what your next step is

This is like an a-ha moment for me. Never heard of decision making fatigue but that is the perfect description of what you and I try to do for ourselves.

I do laundry every other Saturday. I see my psychiatrist every other Saturday (on alternating Saturdays with laundry).

I need to work on this I never seem to get the laundry done.

On Saturdays I cook enough soup to last a week.

Eggs for breakfast plus some variation in vegetables.

I do something similar because I cook for my family- I call it cook once eat twice.

Spreadsheet with finances reconciled once a month, shortly after my American Express statement is posted and can be downloaded as a .CSV file.

We actually have a register book which is like a large check register in notebook form. My husband balances the books every night.

Making sure you put "money" in different "bank accounts" - I have learned it from somebody.

Again agreed. We have two checking accounts and a credit union account.

In your position you probably will soon be ready to volunteer somewhere helping others with recovery, which will be deeply gratifying for you, so routinizing such volunteering

Yes! I work with other addicts and alcoholics beyond just meetings. I take the women's prison commitment sometimes and its very humbling. Plus I do meetings.

If you have extra time, you can try adult coloring, letting your thoughts take you anywhere they wish while you trace intricate design and select colors that appeal. I have read newspaper clippings that reported that the brain responds to this activity in the same way it does to meditation.

I love coloring, I have two adult books- "chill the f**k out and calm the f**k down. Both are filled with adult phrases and I find them funny.
Thanks for sharing this. It makes me happy to know that I am on the right path because others are like me too!