[BatsBelfry]

I'm not sure where to turn so I am writing here to hopefully make myself feel better. I hope I marked this thread correctly and I hope someone sees it. I feel so low today. I want to leave work and hurt myself. If not for my kids I would. My son keeps me tied to this world. I hate going through this roller coaster of feelings. I wish my ups were as up as my lows are low. I feel hopeless and lost in life. I hate everything about me. I don't think I need to be here anymore. I have to hang on for my kids. I grew up without a Dad and it's so hard. Maybe they would get on better without me though.

I'm not sure what I am expecting from writing this except to clear my head of these thoughts. I'm trying everything I can. I feel so alone

[Daonnachd]

Heya, you're doing good by reaching out here. You know that you'll have lots of people pulling for you around the world.
I, for one, understand where you are right now. Over the past few days I've been balancing some very dark thoughts with the ramifications for my son if I were to leave him that way. We live to love. Departure by suicide says to our loved ones that it's okay. That's not a message I want to send to my family. I don't think you do, either.
I wish you peace and strength and hope. I'm headed out to see my T shortly, but will check back in as soon as I get home.

[wildflowerchild25]

I got one can tell you your kids DO need you and would NOT be better off without you. That’s depression lying to you.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Like a therapist or a pdoc? I think it’s time to contact your psych team if you haven’t already.

Just know that depression lies. It says that you’re worthless and useless when you are not. Bipolar cycles, it’s the only reliable thing it does, and you will not feel like this forever. Try to hold on to that.

[BatsBelfry]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk to? Like a therapist or a pdoc? I think it’s time to contact your psych team if you haven’t already.

I don't tell my wife everything for fear of telling her too much and her not wanting to deal with me anymore. I fear calling my T because I don't want to be hospitalized. I live my life holding on for dear life.

[Scooter9]

I can't tell if you're a man or woman from your forum name but you grew up without a dad. Would you want the same for your kids?

I was badly abused for years and made a promise to myself then that the abuse would end here. I would be the one to break the chain and not pass it on to my kids.

I did just that while having bipolar depression.

I'm still depressed so I can relate to how you feel but you have to ask yourself what your contribution to your's and your kids lives will be. You have already come so far and done so much. You have more to say and do.

Be there for yourself and your kids. It'll get better. I sometimes live hour to hour scraping bits of hope together. But I know I'm low right now and it does eventually get better. Just hang on until it starts to improve. And with kids and their eternal optimism and curiosity, they'll help you in their own way.

You got this.

[liveforsummer]

Be safe, keep reaching out and talking

Originally Posted by BatsBelfry

I don't tell my wife everything for fear of telling her too much and her not wanting to deal with me anymore. I fear calling my T because I don't want to be hospitalized. I live my life holding on for dear life.

OTOH, the hospital could do med changes and get you feeling better sooner. Sooner would be better, right?

Maybe if you just were to say to your wife that your goal is to get better as soon as possible and that that might best be accomplished in the hospital. You don't necessarily have to share a ton of details if you don't want. You don't have to stay there forever -- if you go in of your own free will, you will have say in how long you stay there. Guess I'm saying, it's worth giving some thought to.

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

And I agree with the others-- depression lies.

[Travelinglady]

BatsBelfry, do some nice things for yourself. Maybe a nice almost hot shower or bath? Order something good in. Find a good movie, ideally about a tropical place where it's warm and inviting. Or maybe a comedy. Of course, invite your wife to join you.

Glad you thought to post this thread. You're a smart person.

[Wander]

I am so glad you posted. We are all here to support each other. Depression is a horrible beast. One thing that is for certain is that it will pass. I agree with Innerzone, be completely honest with your T etc and if that leads to hospitalisation it will likely pull you out of this much sooner than if you wait for it to pass naturally. You may not need to be hospitalised either. Maybe your pdoc can help you as an OP. Hang in there and keep reaching out.

[sarahsweets]

Please get help if you feel the situation is dire...

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

[BatsBelfry]

Thanks everyone. I still have this feeling but it is less today than yesterday. I appreciate everyone's kind words. I keep holding on. I don't know how else to live.

[Daonnachd]

I'm glad today's better than yesterday, even if only by a little.