[Under*Over]

Just curious. I know that different mood states cause different symptoms. Im just wondering how much of the way we react is something we can control or not.

For example... when Im psychotic. I AM still me. Im still there. But so are hallucinations and delusions. I feel like I have to fight them to just- be present- even in bits and pieces, and usually can only do it for so long. I have some sense of control in between other larger feelings of terror and confusion. So it IS there- some ability to control myself in those moments. But I have to take precautions so that I dont act out some of the things the delusions and hallucinations tell me to do. Like. I stay busy with things that cant harm anyone, write my thoughts out, and give myself rules to follow to stay safe (like no self harm and no suicide attempts no matter how bad I feel). Its really hard but I think I have some sort of control- I can still choose to do this activity or do THAT activity- even if my performance in those activities isnt as good as it would be without and even if its a million times harder.

I have some level of control. And then I have some strategies I use to compensate for the things I cant control.

Depression is similar. I get thoughts to hurt myself. Sometimes I get hallucinations or delusions suggesting similar. Sometimes it gets so bad that its hard to be able to take any sort of step back and say that- hey- Im sick. This stuff isnt true. Its just part of my illness. Life isnt hopeless.

Mania. Mania I dont even want to control myself so I just make very poir decisions. Good thing mania doesnt happen often with me. But when it does it is such a relief that I feel that I have to get the most out of it- even if I pay for it later.

Anyways. I guess part of the question is- which states are hardest for you to control? How bad do things have to get before you feel totally out of control? What does control mean for you? Is it easier with medications? What strategies do you use to help get more of a feeling of control?

Also sorry if Im starting too many threads. I get excited sometimes at new things and can come on a little strongly because of that. This is in absolutely no way to shame anyone. I hate hate hate the suggestion that “mental illness is just something weak people have because they cant control themselves better”: i think thats so awful and belittling to the amount of pain these diseases can cause.

This is an interesting question, Under*Over. Thanks for asking it!

I think my ability to take some control during episodes has definitely improved over the years. Before my diagnosis, I had very little insight into my hypomanias, manias, and mixed episodes (especially ones more leaning manic). I had almost no "healthy" coping skills for anxiety and depression. Instead, I self-medicated with alcohol a lot. I did know to sometimes "step away" when my moods or anxiety peaked. I also used exercise (predominantly dancing) at times. But they can sometimes be good and sometimes be bad. It depended.

Very often in the past, I believed that much of my behavior when hypomanic or manic was fully justified, as dysfunctional and impulsive as it got. Usually it was not. Hypomanic/manic irritability was a prime example of this. And it would have seemed almost ridiculous to my manic mind not to do some irrational or extreme things.

On the former, you wrote that when you're manic you "don't want to control yourself". I can sure relate to that! In fact, that still happens to me, despite my increased insight. But I do have more moments of "BirdDancer, you're maybe acting a little out of control!" And, my husband helps with cluing me in faster, too.

I guess when psychotic, I lack insight most. Unlike some people, I don't usually ask "Am I psychotic?" Only "Was I psychotic?" when it's fully over. But the last time I was severely manic with psychosis, I had a millli drop of control. I was coming back with my husband from Portugal. My behavior was extreme. I began to think that while in London Heathrow airport that a woman poisoned my pen with anthrax. I had shoved it in my bag, and then the paranoid delusion began. Then I ran to the bathroom and washed my hands about 10 times. I was practically screaming about it to my husband and he was demanding I stop that thought. He had forced me to take Seroquel "prn" about 15 mins before this anthrax "scare" when I was almost screaming about some hallucinations and people were staring at me. We were almost late for our flight home. Then at one point, TSA type officers asked me if anyone gave me anything. I almost said that I was given anthrax, but instead I said "No." That was major control on my part. I wanted to go home, BAD! And then on the plane I was relatively calm. Maybe the Seroquel helped. But my poor husband started to bawl. I was with it enough to sort of feel bad. But when we reached the US port of entry airport I went bat s**t again. At home (in my house) I calmed a little and allowed my husband to call my psychiatrist. I had an emergency appointment the next day, but was ordered to take even more Seroquel that night, which I did. Luckily an extra 150 mg was helpful on top of my usual meds and Seroquel XR dose.

If I had told those TSA officers I had anthrax in my bag, given to me by a woman, it would have been horrible!!!!!

[Jm2310]

I think learning to control yourself comes with time. I was diagnosed almost 19 years ago and have never received much treatment for various reasons. I've managed mostly through education on Bipolar and using that education to understand why I may feel or act the way I do and in turn to help control myself. I'm not saying it was easy or it always worked but it was all I had, but it did help a lot.

I can't control myself while in a mania- not at all

anything else.. I do have very little control, and because it's so little, most of the time I just let what ever's going to happen happen.

my control is strongest when I'm depressed (for example, I've certainly felt suicidal more times than I've done it.)

I just usually come on here and hang out

as a bonus, pannic attacks are the worst for control (for me)

I just get agressive when someone tries to help me- even threatening violence.

which I always found strange.. it's just a panic attack

[FriendlyJoe]

I'm on a few meds which helps to control myself. Learning as much as you can about yourself does help. I haven't went into a depressive state in 2 years. Manic on the other hand is a totally different story. 3 BMWs later and getting 4 or 5 packages everyday from Amazon I knew I had to do something. For anyone that's impulsive and spends money like me. Using a ledger and setting goals has helped In that aspect. Now for the anger and paranoia that's something I'm still working on, but I do know when its happening and I'm still learning to end it quickly instead of being angry for days or weeks.

Also dont tell yourself your broken or crazy. I refuse to be labeled as these since I've learned so many different things over the years. Bipolar people can be very successful, just keep learning and be positive. Love yourself and find a support group is a great way grow. My best friend is bipolar and we help each other when we are upset or in need of someone to talk to. No one knows I'm bipolar and I've learned to mask it with being extremely busy with multiple tasks and being just a very motivated person. I'm well liked and can have great conversations with pretty much anyone.

Everyone is different but It helps to have a good routine and like I said stay positive. Don't blame yourself either about your emotions since its extremely difficult to control them. We are who we are and just learn as much as you can. Hang in there everyone.