[yellow_fleurs]

Hi everyone! I am wondering about your experiences with feeling grief and/or related to your mental illness(es) and how you have processed that. I will talk about it in therapy, but I am noticing it might be a bit of a problem for me. In addition, I had some medical problems and pain for years, and I try to be very optimistic and not let it hold me back, but I might have just pushed down the mental pain I felt from dealing with all of this. Any thoughts on this process and has anything helped you if you experienced something like this? Thank you!

[Under*Over]

I still havent fully accepted it. I feel like if I do fully accept it then I am shutting the door on a lot of possibilities when it comes to my life. Maybe thats wrong- but not accepting it gives me hope. But... its also dangerous because it makes me think often that I dont need medication or that my illness wont flare up if I do “this this or that other thing”.

But yes. Im still very much working out all these things

[yellow_fleurs]

Under*Over

Thanks for the reply. It is hard to accept. I am trying to think of accepting it as empowering so I take as much control as possible. But, I am not there yet, and I am still feeling at times angry, sad, a bit scared.

[Merlin]

I grieve the lost time, the hours where I couldn’t function. I grieve the lost relationship or damaged ones. I grieve the goals that had to be abandoned or signicantly modified. But I also try to embrace the good days and hours, to repair and nuture the relationship I have and develop other, and I strive towards new or modified goals. I grieve the past, but I embrace the present and future.

[Wander]

I’m currently grieving my last episode as it was pure hell. In the past I have grieved the loss of everything that this illness has taken from me. It can be crushing. I hope yours passes soon. Be gentle on yourself and know that you have a very real reason to grieve.

[yellow_fleurs]

Merlin, I like how you put that, thanks. I am sorry for all you lost. Wander, I am sorry for this past episode you had, and for everything else you have lost. Thank you for the kind and understanding words.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I've spent a lot of time in therapy working on grief, both from the general things that were/are harder because of BP and more specifically losing my ability to work. Dealing with that grief has been one of the harder parts of therapy because I will make progress and then need to g backwards a bit. I think this is lessening with time and with having time I'm actually somewhat stable and can enjoy a routine even though it's not the one I wanted.

[liveforsummer]

I never thought of it in terms of grief but yes, I would say I do grieve the time that I feel I lost to depression and the things I missed out on and continue to miss out on due to anxiety.
And yet, somehow, I am still very much in denial of my dx.

[yellow_fleurs]

BeyondtheRainbow thanks for sharing. I am sorry it's been so hard. I will have to address it in therapy too, I think, as it might be holding me back. I am glad it is getting a little better and you have some stability. Liveforsummer, I think denial can even be a part of grief itself, although there could be other reasons I am sure.

[cashart10]

During my most severe episode I thought I was working miracles through the Holy Spirit and that God himself was talking to me. It took me a very long time to process that grief. I also feel that at times, particularly the 3 or 4 year depression I suffered, I haven’t been as available to my children as I am typically. I also grieve that loss.

[Pookyl]

I grieved deeply in the first two years after diagnosis, especially re the loss of my career. I was sui and spent a lot of time in hospital.
In one of those admissions my pdoc asked pastoral care to come and see me. They showed me that it was possible to accept my diagnosis and live with it. I didn’t have to like being mentally unwell, but I could accept it and I could get on and live life.
This is apparently called ‘radical acceptance’ theory and it made a huge difference to me. I really don’t think I’d be here today if I hadn’t been taught it.

[piano97]

That's well-said Pookyl. I've made good progress on this in the past year or so. The condition isn't going away, I think what matters is sorting out and figuring out how you can live your best life in spite of it, today. Don't see it as an enemy, or something to be afraid of. Work around it. Focus on the things you CAN do, not Can't do. Don't dwell on things. When depression hits that's nearly impossible, but you CAN distract some of that and say "that's not true" or "that's faulty thinking and not reality based". Stuff like that. It doesn't 'fix' it, but relieves a little bit of stress. I've been having good success with that. I have some recurring paranoia type stuff, and I've found a way recently to clear that out when it happens. It doesn't go away, it doesn't change it, but it almost immediately drops a lot of tension out of my shoulders. I think the most important thing is how we respond to things, not what the things are. Take advantage of manic spectrum stuff. Remember that depression DOES clear up. Insulate yourself as best possible, whatever that may be. During stable times, master things like hygiene, nutrition, etc. When depression DOES come, it's way, way, way easier to still tend to ADLs when, say, you've showered 45 days in a row, and cooked most days for months. It still sucks, it still hurts, it still feels like torture sometimes, but those things can prevent it from getting worse or interferring with life as much. I still grieve a lot of things. It does get easier some with time. Career, loss of relationships, lack of self-care at times, financial recklessness, etc. I can't go back in time. I only have today, and if I'm reasonably well and stable, I can make progress. I just had a depressive stretch and this morning seem to be a bit hypo (which feels F'ing amazing), but am 100% sure that I mitigated some problems having had done so much behavioral work in recent months. I've been exercising for months daily. I've been showering daily for a couple months. So even when depression started a couple weeks ago, I kept doing those things, even if wasn't easy. I'm rambling. Point is, it's important to mourn things some, but not to get stuck in it. Don't forget to celebrate the good things in the present, and realize you can create new things daily. We are creators first and foremost. The past, and future, are largely irrelevant. Today is what matters. I'm fully aware I may go back down but probably not for at least a couple days. If depression does come back, who cares. I'll rest more out of exhaustion, but can still shower, eat when possible (I definitely have lost at least 5 pounds in past few weeks), and not wallor in it to best of my ability. Something I get a kick out of from the last few weeks is my cat is loving it. I've been asleep or on couch most of the time, after having had not slept/rested near enough for months generally speaking. Going back to September. Hang in there. Don't beat yourself up. I'm oversimplifying, but not. Take good care.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you so much for making this thread, yellow_fleurs! And thank you so much everyone else for sharing your stories. I think it's a very important question. I've never thought about it, but MI does bring out a lot of loss. The loss of time, the loss of opportunities, the loss of love. There's definitely a lot to grieve. I'm so sorry you're all struggling. Grieving takes a lot of time. Please don't give up. Remember that things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. You're all wonderful people. I hope you'll all feel better soon. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else. Keep fighting. You're all awesome! You're all strong! You're all warriors! Sending many hugs to everyone

[yellow_fleurs]

Thanks everyone for the responses. Pookyl, I am glad your pdoc thought to ask for pastoral care and that it helped you. I am glad you are still here. I have heard of radical acceptance, maybe I need to look into it more. piano, that is a good outlook, I am trying to stay present as much as possible, and keep doing the things that make me mentally healthy, while not ignoring that I am grieving and struggling with this. I did find that when I got into a really good routine with hygiene that even when I could barely get out of bed I still showered. Cooking is next on the good habits list. MickeyCheeky thank you for the encouragement and I am glad you find the thread helpful. Sending back hugs.

[yellow_fleurs]

cashart10 that sounds really hard, I am sorry you experienced that. Thanks for the response.

I was diagnosed young, and their for I didn't really greeve it

or to look at it another way

if I had a life all ready, and then got diagnosed with bipolar and it ruined my life, then yes I'd probably greeve for my life and how it was (and how it would never be the same)

my life never really started, so it's hard for me to

I do, like I know I can never work, and will probably have to take meds for the rest of my life, I find it hard to make friends etc, but the way I see it, if I didn't have it, what would I do.

I never really planned anything out and to be honest, I'm sure if I didn't have mental illness, I'd be in the exact same boat as if I did.

I'm just not built for life

I guess

plus I don't have time to greeve it, I spend most of the time being angry at all the stigma surrounding it

if I wrote an essay on mental health stigma I don't think it would ever end

their is just so much of it