[Bthatche]

I'm 48. I've always known that I was bipolar as my ex wife can tell you. But the official diagnosis only happened a year ago. After seeing multiple psychologists and psychiatrists not one diagnosed bipolar. Two years ago my wife left me, tired of the alcoholism and constant swings. At the time I was making 94k and had been for a decade. I coached little league for years I made it through college and more. But all of my colleagues were baffled by me and tried to help on some level because I was off. When my wife left my drinking went up and I found my ole pal drugs. I'd been an addict before and I jumped in. Finally friends and family confronted me. I voluntarily entered rehab which I had always wanted to do. There was medical staff to help the mental which was the main reason. I was there. Two weeks into the four week program I went manic like I've never been and was put in an ambulance to the hospital. When I got there I was delusional very delusional. They admitted my to the locked down psych ward. I got the bipolar diagnosis along with strict and specific follow up along with prescriptions for lithium and abilify. Just out of the hospital I was summarily fired from my job and without benefits couldn't afford anything more than the lithium. In the last year I've only worked four months and am currently unemployed. I'm burning through my retirement and will run out of money eventually. But instead of busting my hump to get back on my feet I'm just lost in despair and sadness. I sleep days at a time and just taking a shower seems hard. Im sorry for such a long thread but I know many of you have been in my shoes. Im trying to get benefits to address all of this but can someone give me some advice? What do I do now? Having lost it all anyway I dont care to jump back into middle class America and I just dont care. I still drink to get through the day and know it's a mistake. I've just never experienced despondency like this. Hoping for a few suggestions. Thanks.

[Nammu]

Since you know you shouldn't be drinking I won't say anything about that. What are you doing with your days? You really need a schedule of some kind while you look for help. Even if it seems silly go to bed at the same time daily. Maybe get a volunteer job one day a week...like at a shelter.

[Bthatche]

Thank you for your input. Of course I do nothing of note with my days. I know I'm being my own worst enemy. I apologize if I sound as if I'm pitying myself. I've just never in my life watched life go by. I will do that one day a week. Great suggestion. It would be nice to feel something again.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Bthatche: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the work & careers forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/work-and-careers/

I'm sorry I don't know as there is much of anything I can suggest that would be different from what I'm quite certain you already know. However here are links to some articles, from Psych Central's archives, first on the subject of bipolar disorder & then on other related subjects. The first article, by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D. also provides links to additional articles on its subject:

Bipolar Disorder: Symptoms, Types & Treatments

When You Feel Lost

When You Feel Lost or Disconnected from Yourself

Feeling Lost in Life: A Learning Opportunity

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...once-its-lost/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...or-messing-up/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/chang...rising-strong/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Nola0250]

It sounds like you might be experiencing the depression that frequently follows a manic episode. It can feel almost paralyzing. I think you need close psych follow up because just the lithium doesn’t seem to be enough. Any money you spend on psych care is an investment. If you can get in some meds that help you dig out of this, you will be in a better position to get your life back on track. Just my take. Good luck, I know how hard it can be.

[Bthatche]

Thank you, yes I've been able to feel depressive states days in advance. Lately not so much. But I'm clearly in the throes of a major downturn. I have limited money and have never felt so purely lost and alone however my psychotic actions lead to this. I've always been able to manage but now, well I just got done pleading to Jesus. This is the worst of so many episodes in the past. I'm not going to commit suicide but I so overwhelmingly wish I could talk myself into it. I'm in a new stage of scared. I just want it to stop.

[sarahsweets]

Did rehab help you at all? Did you get involved with 12 step meetings? I can tell you as an alcoholic myself that nothing will seem clear when you are still drinking. I know you know this. But its going to be so hard to pull youself out of a depression with the alcohol still being a factor. It affects everything you do or think. I understand that you are financially strapped now which is why I mention 12 step meetings; how would you feel about that? Have you looked into clinics that offer sliding scale fees or medicaid?

Since your earnings might not get back to what they once were--do you have any kind of debt? That our home is paid off has "saved" us when we were unemployed. Also, when I faced medical bills in excess of $300K due to my attempt and we were both unemployed, I had to declare bankruptcy. Also, if you are paying alimony based on what you used to make, you can go to court and get it adjusted. Financial breathing room is so important when you are trying to heal from mental issues. I hope you are able to get disability but I have heard that if you have a drinking problem and are still drinking, it can makes it harder to get. Before my attempt, I would drink too much but the attempt shocked me into rarely drinking at all. Sorry to mention the drinking issue but, like Sarahsweets said, it can push you into depression as it is a depressant.

Once you get more stable then I suggest looking for part time work that is not stressful. That you once made 94K means that you have the ability to eventually be employed again but you have a lot of work to do to get stable before you might be able to work at all. Baby steps.....

[Bthatche]

Thanks SarahSweets. Yes I participated with heart and soul for the 2 weeks i was in rehab. And the 90 days i was sober after i attended 6 am aa meetings every day. I started drinking at 13 and I'm not sure I know how to function without it. I need a dual treatment program. But I surely need to shelve the booze get a sponsor and rejoin my homegroup. They want me back anyway and it's a darn healthy place. Good call and why I didnt see that God only knows. Thanks.
And NoWinners i have no debt. I charge 1000 bucks to my credit card for no good reason but that's no problem. I dont have a car payment or anything else. Just rent utilities and child support. Basics. And I have an 820 credit score so God forbid if I needed I could draw quite a bit from the bank. Thanks for letting me see a huge blessing. I really appreciate that. For my background 60k should not be hard to attain right away. I just turned down 40k. And I love work. I'm a fix it guy. Give me a crew and a mess with a timeframe and I'll fix your problem. I find meaning in that. I hope it doesnt tax me but it truly is who I am. I just have to explain the 8 months off of work in the last year. I just need to wake up from this and do what I've done so many times before. I need to get somewhere near the guy my family and friends knew.

[~Christina]

8 month lapse in work history ? Easy answer ...

“ I decided to travel for a while after my divorce or whatever. “

I personally want to follow the movie Eat Pray Love book/movie trip. Rome, India and then Bali. It’s honestly a great true story, finding yourself is what we all need at times.

I hope you are able to get sober. It’s impossible to find Bipolar stability if it’s still in your life.