[ianGallagher]

Hello all,

First.. This is my first post on here. Glad to be here

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So.... Obviously this is in the psychology section so you may have an idea as to where this is going.

My life, all the way from early childhood has been extremely challenging.

From what my parents considered good (Doctors, Medications) all the way back when I was 8 up until now has been borderline chaos/torture. My mother has many mental health issues even though she is either unaware or in denial. My father is the big on avoidance, he doesn't like to talk. Generally, they have done many things in an attempt to "help" me as even though most of the time it just involved putting me on medication. Basically, I feel the lack of having any stable mother or father figure growing up; or their guidance in life. My brother and sister are essentially strangers to me.

I have made many mistakes. Did well in school sometimes, managed to graduate high school.

At this point I am trying my best (at the age of 24) to go to college so I can make something of myself.
With basically no financial assistance from anyone, emotional support from family or friends and the general sense of feeling alone in this world.... I'm loosing any glimpse of hope I may have had left.

I had been diagnosed bipolar at the age of 21, of course the doctors continue to dump more pills down my throat. Side note, the medication "helps"... but I frequently still get either very depressed (to the point of being suicidal) or slightly manic (when I spend why to much money and dig an endless hole of financial debt)

Generally, I try to be an optimist. Assume that things will work out as long as I put in the effort. I'm just so physically and emotionally tired at this point, I don't know how much longer I can take it. I have goals, just like everyone else. I dream of a future not necessarily of complete luxury but simply being able to support myself and have a half way decent life.

There's other side notes but I'll leave them out for the sake of keeping this rather short.

More or less, being 24 now, I feel as if I have failed because I have to live with my family for the moment due to my own personal circumstances. I recognize i'm trying, but progress is slow.

I guess what my question is overall... How do you keep going without either having a complete breakdown or committing suicide?

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read this as I really don't have anyone close to me of whom would listen. It really means the world, you have no idea.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am deeply sorry for your situation, @ianGallagher! You're not alone as we can ALL relate to what you're saying. Life with MI can be hard especially when we have NO ONE supporting us. However you're still fighting and THIS makes you MUCH, MUCH stronger than you believe you ARE! Please be proud of yourself. If it can help, my Inbox is ALWAYS open for you. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME if you please! I'm ALWAYS available when you need Advice and Support! I'm sure PLENTY of others will be glad to help you as well! Are you seeing a therapist? I feel like that may REALLY help you if you can afford that. Please NEVER give up Hope and KEEP FIGHTING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, ianGallagher, and ALL of your Loved Ones!

Welcome to Psych Central, ianGallagher! We really enjoy welcoming new members to the group. Doing so makes this place richer. You'll see that we are a supportive crew of people, and I know that I have never felt reluctant to ask for support, when needed.

The very first thought that came to my mind was something that MickeyCheeky recommended. Do you see a therapist? If not, would you consider doing so? If you have in the past, and weren't happy with the therapist, know that sometimes it takes a bit of a search for the right one. Finding the right one is a gift. Believe me! If you've only seen one with your parents, when you were younger, seeing a new one withOUT them could be beneficial. Does your college have psych counselors you could see? I know many do. You don't even have to tell your parents.

I know it can be hard as heck to deal with a mental illness. Having family or other social stressors on top of that, is even rougher. Just remember that there are lots of possibilities in the future. Don't let depression or anxiety tell you otherwise. Please don't!

[Daonnachd]

Ian, I want to welcome you, too. At the same time I want to reinforce the idea of finding a therapist on your college campus. It shouldn't cost anything and can be a great help.

[Phoenix_1]

Welcome Ian. I hope you feel supported here. There's a great group of people here that are very helpful.
It's hard when you're first diagnosed. People don't get it. They don't understand and it makes it harder for you.
By all means, go see a therapist. Cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical therapy can help a lot.
Be patient with finding the right prescriptions for you.
I was diagnosed in 2013, at the age of 59. I think now that I've been bipolar 2 all my life. I did a lot of damage. I had two divorces, a bankruptcy, and had 2 cars repossessed. Now I have absolutely no credit and I live on a small pension from the government. This is not how I planned my retirement. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Don't lose hope!
It took me a while to find the right medication combination. If the prescriptions don't work, tell your doctor. If you have bad side effects, tell your doctor. Abilify made me hypomanic so my doctor changed it to Risperdal.
One very important thing you can do is to educate yourself about bipolar disorder. There are very good books out there. For biographies, there are Patty Duke, Kay Redfield Jamison, and Carrie Fisher. I have bipolar 2 and I have Dr. Ronald Fieve's book, "Bipolar II" and "The Bipolar Disorder Survival Guide" by David J. Miklowitz. There is also a thread on this forum where people suggest good books on bipolar.
I hope you get the help you need.

[*Beth*]

Hello, Ian and welcome! I hope you will stick around because I think that there are more of us than not who find support from peers (others with mental illness) than we do with family/friends.

Honestly, I am very impressed by your self-awareness. I hope you give yourself a lot of support.

I agree that seeing a therapist could be a life-changer for you, in terms of knowing where you are in your life, regardless of how the people around you behave,

[taymickeva3]

I completely understand how you feel..I was diagnosed at 30 ,I'm now 38 ..I feel exhausted and tired of fighting this evil illness (bipolar2 and bpd)..I have messed up my life many of times and I cant count how many times I have started over..been on many medications none have worked or couldnt handle the side effects..I dont have an answer for you..I guess I just get up every day and keep fighting cause I have 3 children to fight for..I can imagine its alot harder for you being so young...but it's TRUE you do have something to fight for it's you..life will get better and worse and then better..I'm starting therapy and reluctantly taking horrible meds and starting over yet again..I dont know you hun..but try therapy ..try anything that might help and keep fighting ..your not alone and things will get better ...

[xRavenx]

Hi IanGallagher! (Love your choice in name by the way... I am a big Shameless fan. My favorite characters are Ian and Mickey....but anyway...)
Thanks for sharing your story. You are not alone. It really helps to have support, and this place has helped me a lot, since it is hard to find people out there where I have felt safe to talk about Bipolar Disorder.
As others have said, reading and educating yourself is a helpful way of dealing with BP. Therapy can help as well. You are certainly resilient and have inner strengths, whether you are aware of it or not!!

[Wander]

Welcome! You should find this site supportive. I agree with the above posts. I hope you find the support and information you need.

[ianGallagher]

I would like to thank everyone for their responses, I really appreciate it.

Thus far I have been in about four (4) IOP programs, seen countless therapists (the availability of them is dwindling due to many not participating with insurance) and at least have a relatively good psychiatrist.

I try not to be hard on myself, knowing I only have so much control over this illness. I do my best to sleep well (being a college student and working), take my medications as prescribed and try my best to see a therapist once a week if I can.

I think my problem is I truly hate myself deep down, not that I want to but it's there. People say I come off as enormously confident and charismatic, meanwhile I laugh because I have learned to be a good actor (Which is EXHAUSTING)

Just in case anyone was wondering....

30mg Adderall XR
150 extended Wellbutrin
1.5 Vraylar

Again I appreciate the feedback!

Glad you checked back in! Thank you!