There is a very good chance that if I'm completely honest with my t tomorrow she will have me hospitalized. This would be my third this year, and I've had 15 or so prior hospitalizations in my life for psych reasons. I get that my own and others' safety is important, but I feel so pathetic because I keep making the same mistakes and I don't learn and I don't accept help before it gets to this point.
It just sucks because I know the hospital won't really help me get any better. I don't see how sitting on a locked unit doing nothing but coloring and pacing around will help me, but yet I am not safe anymore and I haven't been in a while.

spikes, I'm so happy that you posted this because frankly, I was very worried about you. I know others have been, too.

When you're very depressed, it's hard to think that anything will be helpful, but that's just not true. I can definitely understand how discouraging it must seem to have had a couple hospitalizations already this year, and 15 or so, to date. However, staying safe is the most important thing. Coloring is better than never being able to color again. Pacing is much better than never being able to pace again. Sometimes things don't work perfectly the 1st, 5th, 10th, or even 15th or 20th, but if they do eventually, it's more than worth it. I'm extremely serious! I know it's hard. I do.

[Victoria'smom]

Try to write down everything you have to say tonight. That way you wont get tripped up tomorrow. Hopefully the hospital can get meds correct.

[yellow_fleurs]

It's takes insight to be able to say you need help and are not safe. Also, your mental illness is not your fault so try not to blame yourself for being unwell. The hospital can at least keep you safe until you are more stable. I am really sorry you are dealing with this, and I don't blame you for not wanting to go IP, we all want you safe, though.

[Jedi67]

stay safe, spikes. maybe being candid with your T is the best way to go. IP is not fun and it's very hard for many who don't feel it will help, but we want you safe first and foremost. sorry you are struggling. we are all here for you. please stay in touch and keep us posted after your session. all the best.

[Wild Coyote]

Thanks for checking in with us. I hope you will do whatever is best for you tomorrow.
I will be looking for any update on you.
Take care!

[fern46]

If you know you are making the same mistakes then I feel you have indeed learned a lot. Don't lose sight of that. It is a huge step. Acceptance of what you've learned is hard and it takes time. You then have a huge opportunity to incorporate what you've learned into new life decisions for yourself. You'll do that in your own time when you're ready.

15 hospitalizations has me wondering two things. First, I wonder if you are perhaps missing something. Is there more you can take away from the experience that maybe you could find if you go in with a new eye? My experience was profound the first time around and I took a lot of valuable lessons from it. Secondly, I wonder if hospitalization has become comfortable. You know the drill, you know what to expect. You know how to get out once you're there. You said it is pathetic, so maybe there's hope that you're starting to become uncomfortable with it. Perhaps that can be motivation for change. I'm very hopeful for you.

Thank you for checking in today. You have a lot of people who genuinely care for you Spikes.

[Jedi67]

just repeating what fern46 said. there are many here that care for you and are concerned. we are grateful when you check in with us. please keep reaching out here. much peace, comfort and joy to you, spikes.

I really don't want to tell my t about the other night when I started walking to the bridge and took a bunch of pills. I kinda want to skip the whole appt.

Originally Posted by spikes

I really don't want to tell my t about the other night when I started walking to the bridge and took a bunch of pills. I kinda want to skip the whole appt.

Why do you want to skip the appt? Is it because you don’t want to go to IP?

I think you could really benefit from talking to someone in real life, especially a mental health professional.

[fern46]

If you skip it what are you going to be able to do for yourself to ensure your safety? I think you know being honest is in your best interest, but you need a safety plan if you don't go.

I don't know, white knuckling it has kept me alive so far I was kinda hoping I could just do that until things settle down. I know I should go, but talking about this past week won't be fun to say the least. I wrote a list like MM said, but if I just read it off or give it to her she will probably force me or at least try to convince me to go IP.

[Victoria'smom]

Spikes, I'm probably going IP tomorrow too. I'm just going to let pdoc read my list and asked questions from there. I would love to avoid going tomorrow but both of us can't keep going on like this. What happens if we get worse? Then we wont have say in our treatment or worse it'd be involuntary. Things will eventually settle down yes but can you wait that long?

[Pookyl]

Ive been in your shoes - multiple admissions every year. I also hate IP but it’s usually the only way to be completely safe for me.
I think you should be honest. I’ve not long ago been in hospital and right now I’m thinking it was worth it because I feel the most well I’ve felt in awhile.
Being IP just might do the trick this time.

[~Christina]

It might be possible that you just haven’t found one crucial med in a combo that will help you find and keep stability longer ???

I know a few IP stays for me when in a huge crisis they have found a medication, even one I took in the past is the missing link to really level me out quickly.

Sure IP isn’t like a trip to Disney but for many of us it’s just needed..it’s a legit safe place to be where your truly able to say how you feel and thoughts you have and also saying outloud to someone that you did infact take extra meds and head toward a bridge. There’s something almost freeing to say such things verbally out loud.

You have fought so hard for so long, let professionals truly help you.

[neverending]

I had to go IP towards the end of July. I think that was number 13. I don't like going either but if I have, I have to. And for me it was actually a very different experience because my perceptions have changed for the better.

I know I can never say I will never have to go IP again. But I have also learned not to view it as a failure on my part.

I hope the best for you whatever happens.

going IP

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Hope it goes well and you feel better soon Spikes

[Victoria'smom]

good luck, feel better soon, We'll be thinking of you.

[fern46]

Thinking of you Spikes. I hope you have an ok experience that helps to level you out.

[Pookyl]

All the best

Rooting for you, spikes! Hope your stay is helpful.

Sending you positive vibes and that you will feel much better soon, spikes! I'm glad you'll be safe.

[~Christina]

Thinking of you, I’m glad you will be safe

[HALLIEBETH87]

You’re in my thoughts!!!