[Isolda van der Meer]

Or am I the only one?

I have quite frequent moments when I think my bipolar just doesn't really exist. It's probably because my symptoms are quite mild (or at least I think that), I can function well... and because I so desperately want to be totally normal, so my mind keeps telling me that everything is perfectly okay and I actually made up my mental illness for feeling more special or whatever.

It causes me funny situation right now. I had really great time recently (my doctor told me it could have been mild mania) and I really miss it. But I also began to feel like it wasn't something special, like I was just in a good mood and none of the wonderful moments was real. So I miss something that never existed. Isn't it funny?

Do you sometimes feel this way, or is it just me?

Hi Isolda. If you experience fun, then it's real. It doesn't matter if it was hypomania or not. At least that's my view. I'm definitely not suggesting that you chase hypomania/mania. Just enjoy a good day and every moment you can in life.

Before my diagnosis, I only recognized anxiety and depression and didn't look at them as mental illness. More as a brain flu that I knew would come and go...like a flu. It took a while to gain insight into my hypomanias and even full blown manias. I thought they were just me and my joie de vivre. I thought I had times when I really rocked! As for mixed states, I often blamed life circumstances or that they were also a form of brain flu. Anger? Always seemed justified, in my book.

It took my episodes becoming more frequent and more severe for me to really realize there was a major problem. It took severe strife, near firing, hospitalizations and psychosis to really hammer home in my mind. It's a shame it took that long.

[still_crazy]

yes. i sometimes think a mix of teenage immaturity and 'just the way the world works' led to a lifelong label as 'severely mentally ill,' even though a) I'm not always certain 'severe mental illness' is real, as a biologically-rooted entity and b) I'm surprisingly lucid, normal, and able to control myself, these days. and yet...

i take my 2 Rx drug combination, tons of antioxidants, keep up with appointments. i don't really see an option, honestly...cancer can be cured or at least go into remission, but 'severe mental illness' is a social and legal concept, as well as a 'condition,' to be treated by a specialist.

i don't know what to say, except...play the hand you're dealt, as best you can.

[Mendingmysoul]

While I am wandering on the internet to make sense of my life and my feelings or lack thereof,I do realize I am different.I see people enjoying their moments.It all dawns upon me,I never was in the moment,as life passed by.I was either stuck in the past,or looking into perceived dangers in future.Not my fault that much awareness I have developed.My brain is programmed in that way as a survival skill.So it is what it is.I feel whatever I feel.

[SorryShaped]

To the original question, yes. I do sometimes feel that way, but that's usually because I'm in an episode.

[wiretwister]

who me . . . I don't got no stinkin mental illness . . .

Love .. Tigger . . .

[Moose72]

I'm fine. Its all in their heads...

[BipolaRNurse]

Oh, other than thinking I've just been in an existential crisis for the last 7 1/2 years? LOL

Seriously, I have questioned this diagnosis many times in the past, and in fact only stopped doing it when I had my most recent depressive episode last winter. I don't know why that was a defining moment; I'd certainly been through my share of them over the years. But it's when I quit bargaining with the universe, messing with my meds, and not paying attention to when I was about to enter a mood shift. I think I finally just surrendered to the reality of it all, and since then I've had an easier time living with this diagnosis.

[Pookyl]

Only when I’m manic. Unfortunately if I miss my meds I feel unwell within hours.

When I'm well for a significant stretch, yeah, I start to feel like maybe I'm "normal" and can handle it, you know, have a normal(-ish, lol) life. Like right now. BUT I don't have to look very hard to remember times which were very much NOT ok. AND I keep right on with my meds. And therapy too. Even if I don't have any BP stuff to discuss, I (like a year ago) came out of an emotionally abusive relationship of 9 years. There's PLENTY to process there and learn how to proceed with my life. Also, I don't have to suddenly scramble to get into therapy, it's already in place.

Sooo, yes, but a quick historical reality check brings me to my senses.

[Under*Over]

I think this all the time. It is usually when I stop my meds, or right before, when I think it the most. I hope hope hope that I am not sick and that somehow I can prove it by stopping my meds and figuring out some sort of way to “be ok” off of them. I havent been successful so far... and so for now I am really trying to be med compliant and to accept my condition.

But it is hard because I really dont want to be sick. I really really want to just be ok, I just cant

[sarahsweets]

IMO I do not think there is a single bipolar person out there who hasnt thought this at some point. For me those thoughts were when I was not compliant with my meds.

[PippaIsAlone]

Yes.

I don’t believe I am really bipolar and I don’t believe it exists but I’m on this forum and I’m talking about it so what now?

[saucygirl31]

no my memories of mania and depression will always be here. i know for a fact if I stop meds I'm ****ed.

[Guiness187055]

When I am stable I feel I made it all up. Yet I know it's the meds that are keeping me stable.

I've felt like that in times of stability

but then it all hits me like a tun of bricks and them oment is over