Bipolar check in #37

Ah, that sucks your therapist is out on vacation, but I'm glad you can see another therapist if things get worse. It must be really nice to have that option.

Sorry to hear about the traffic, though. I agree that 5.5 hours is a lot of driving, but it sounds like the trip was well worth it? You have a great care team, and that is hard to come by IMO. You are very lucky to have them.

I think it's great you're going to volunteer! You never know how it'll go until you try, so just try to take it one day at a time. I didn't know if I was stable enough to start a full time job last year but the structure has been good for me even though it's hard sometimes. Volunteering helped me with my mental health in the past. It feels good to help others.

Thanks bb. I'm trying... At this point, trying is about all I can do...

Diagnoses:
PTSD with Dissociative Symptoms, Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain

Feeling pretty good right now. Wish I could sleep, but that's not happening any time soon.

I'm waiting for my pdoc's assistant to call me back. I'm hoping she'll get my pdoc to prescribe me some klonopin to knock me out tonight because I'd sure like to sleep. I'm not tired, but I do want to sleep before I burn out.

I just feel particularly "needy" right now, and it makes me feel guilty because I know there are depressed, suicidal, anxious, etc patients who need to see my pdoc more than I do. Plus, I am being protected from the supernatural force's dark energy by a good energy, so I'm really not in danger. The dark energy cannot penetrate the good energy's barrier. I sense the good energy's presence.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Tapering down Lithium is getting tough. All my senses feel red raw, I have constant palpitations, and I can’t stop sleeping. Physically I just feel really off. Like the parts inside of me are crawling instead of my skin. I’m coming down from 900 mg and should hit my temporary target of 450 mg on Thursday. Maybe I will drag it out. I’m sitting at 450 until next month when I see my pdoc. On the plus side I am more emotionally engaged and ‘real’. I have been laughing a lot more. If only I could stay awake I could enjoy life.

So mostly I’ve been sleeping but for the last three days I’ve been watching over my partner who ran out of meds and didn’t have a valid concession card to get them cheaply. He was so distressed he couldn’t even handle me taking him to the government agency to get a physical copy of proof of entitlement, or help him get it off their website. Instead he’s waiting for them to post the card out which could take two weeks. This meant he abruptly stopped three psych meds on the same day. Poor guy is going through hell. I’ve just been making sure he doesn’t have a bad reaction and eats enough. Thankfully he’s been sleeping a lot too so we basically spent three days resting. His mood has been all over the place though. I wish he would talk to his pdoc.

My niece is now being put on Prozac. She is only 15. It worries me as the side effects can be brutal and it increases her risk of suicide temporarily. Something has to be done though. She is suicidal and has begun to have severe panic attacks at school but refuses to talk when in therapy. I can only hope that she is one of the lucky ones who respond to Prozac well. My sister is being very compassionate and vigilant so she has a great Mum. Dads part of the problem unfortunately. He is loving but has a bad temper.

I’m surrounded by mental health issues. It’s kinda stressful. To combat stress I’ve been walking or swimming at the beach. It helps. Mentally I’m doing pretty well. Mood stable. The ptsd still leaves me fragile and anxious though but I’m working through it. I’m still on the floor in a million pieces so it’s going to take a while.

Thanks, Wild Coyote!

I'm not sure how often I will volunteer. I guess it depends on the type of work they need done. I told the Director that I don't want to do Helpline, though I know they likely need volunteers for that. I think initially, I will do something to help them prepare for their upcoming Wellness Conference. Maybe I'll help on that day, too, though I mentioned that I signed up for workshops with my sister. I do want to be with her part of the time. I encouraged her to join me. It would be kind of uncomfortable not spending time with her at that event.

Maybe I'd do two days per week max? We'll see.

I do think 45 mins is a long drive for me. Not only is driving a little stressful in my area, but I'd be using gas to/from, which I would need to pay for. Otherwise, I use little gas.

I need to wash my hair today so I look a bit better for my appointment.

I've got to confess that though I'm excited about taking a step forward (volunteering), I'm also scared. I've grown very comfortable in my "safe spot" at home. Volunteering feels a bit like work. Some of the memories of my last work days still haunt me a bit. However, I do want to be around people more. I want to do something even more positive.

I remember the Director of Operations at NAMI being a very nice lady. I know that I could be an asset to NAMI, if I can remain stable enough and keep any anxiety sufficiently in check.

I good to go into this knowing what you do and do not want to do. It has a better chance of being successful /rewarding this way.

I imagine they'd need some help with their political advocacy, too. I'd likely be very interested in that if i were to volunteer in my area.

Sorry driving is stressful in your area. it's relatively easy here. I'd spent about 15 years in the Boston area, which makes me appreciate the ease of driving here!

I hope you find the perfect position!
EnJOY!

Thanks, WC! I'd actually enjoy doing political advocacy. Actually, I've done a bit of that one my own, in recent years.

Oye, not even 24 hours out of the hospital and I already cut and got high.I did manage to pick up my Klonopin but the haldol won't be ready until later today.

Doing okay. Working from home. Feeling a bit more upbeat than last week and less agitated and anxious. I am looking into OCD specialists for therapy who do ERP therapy. I will see if my current therapist can help me with it, but since it's shown to be effective for my issues I think I should be doing that in therapy. I perhaps have other issues that can be addressed in therapy, but OCD is taking the forefront right now and I need to tackle that first. I will be sad if I have to leave my therapist for a different one, and probably anxious because what if I don't find someone who's as good of a fit? But hopefully it'll all work out.

Wow! Quite a drive! I know you think it is worth it!

I would love to hear a giggle!

Take care!

It's great that you know your needs.
I hope you find a very helpful therapist, too.
I have had a hard time making changes at times, even though changes have paid off! I hope any change you might make will bless you a thousand times over!

It is totally worth it but the day of the trip I always come home exhausted and it's hard to be 100% grateful that day. Today I am grateful even though I'm still really tired. The traffic jam I wasn't expecting yesterday really was a lot because the whole time I was watching the clock and knowing that leaving early was still turning into arriving late. I got overwhelmed. But today it is better again. I just will be staying in a motel the night before my GI appointment which is earlier in the day so I don't have to deal with the same stress.

Well, I left a voicemail for my therapist, but I don't think she will understand any of it. lol. I literally had to pause midway and say, "sorry, I'm trying to collect my thoughts. I can't think straight. I don't remember what I just said. I also don't mean to be confusing. I just have so many thoughts in my mind right now that I can't seem to focus."

I think I just said a bunch of random things that make no sense. lol. I told her about the sleep issues, the overwhelming thoughts, etc.. I also said that my pdoc's assistant told me to call her about it and to say I need help coping with anxiety. I do not feel anxious at all, but I am just relaying what they told me to tell her.

I mentioned that I keep going to bed at 11 and waking up at 4:30 ish, and that I woke up eight times on Sunday night into Monday morning, and five times last night. I also said I do not want to take Benadryl anymore because I have to wake up early tomorrow and I don't want to sleep past my meeting time!

I’m getting by. Could be better, could be worse. Does any here lose large chunks of time doing stuff but can’t even figure out what took so long or always remember what you did? That’s me lately. I finished lunch at 3:30 because of it. Mood is OK, but I feel lazy and my daughter has a school event at 6 this evening. I don’t know the other parents, and H can’t come with me,ugh. And I am 99% certain it’s about some major project the GT and pre-AP students have to do, enter more stress and a procrastinating 11 yr old. Fun. Am now feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, and it’s my child’s project, not my own.

Yes, I can see how it might be stressful at the time!
Glad you are feeling better today.

I stay at a hotel, too, if I have an early appointment at a certain hospital which is approx 2 hours away.

Good for you!
I hope she calls you back and is able to be very helpful!

Blueberrybook,

I know you have both physical and psychological difficulties and I realize you struggle daily. I am sorry this is the case. I have been hoping getting rid of some of your meds might be helpful soon. I would definitely feel lost if I was taking the medication you had listed. It must be overwhelming to lose time. I do lose chunks of time, mostly due to dissociation. Some people are more prone to losing time if/when they spend a lot of time home alone/isolated.

I do hope the event goes well tonight. I know it is difficult for you,especially when your H cannot accopany you.
If it was me, I'd examine how I am thinking about the gathering, in order to see if there might be some catastrophic thinking, or other unhelpful thinking patterns involved.
I know you are nervous and are beating yourself up a bit. Don't expend energy on anything negative. You can do this! I hope you and your daughter have a great time!

EDIT: Typos
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I had my usual Tuesday therapy, and it went well. Then I went for the volunteering interview at NAMI. I guess that went well, too. I actually agreed to start tomorrow morning at 10 am. I'm not too thrilled about what she's starting me with, but she emphasized that it's the first step to learning the ropes. I was firm about not doing Helpline.

My only major complaint about the atmosphere at that local NAMI is that it's like a rat race there. Or rush hour traffic in Times Square. Everybody is interrupting all of the time, and running around yapping at each other. I confess that it's a little overwhelming. I like being around people, but not in a rat race. And when I arrived, I did remember the Operations Director that interviewed me, but she made it seem like she knew me forever and must have hugged me at least three times. She brought me around the office practically yelling in excitement, "Look who's here! You remember BirdDancer!"

"Oh yes, of course I do. Welcome back!", they yelled back with enthusiasm.

And of course I didn't remember anybody's name beyond the Operations Director's, and only recognized one of the other people's faces, but not name. When the Operations Director walked out of the room one of the maybe 10 times, I quickly wrote people's names down so I wouldn't forget them. I hadn't even worked as a volunteer there more than a few weeks way back when. It's not like a was a 20 year employee, or the like. It's possible they were just putting on a show to make me feel welcomed back. Or, OMG, what if they truly remembered me so well? I guess I'm kind of memorable

To add to it, one of the volunteers sort of snapped at the Director saying she wouldn't show me around. Then maybe 20 minutes later she came into the room where the Director and I were and apologized, looking directly at me. AWKWARD!!!! I had to very gingerly find a way of half thanking her for her gesture and telling her she needn't have apologized.

We'll see how it goes. The drive is a bit hectic, too, as I expected. I have a bottle of Ativan at the ready, in my pocketbook.

I had a pretty good day. Have a pork loin roasting right now for dinner, looking forward to having that later. Finished up some artwork I was working on. Other than that not much going on, I will be seeing my case manager this week so I'd like to discuss supportive employment and some other things with her.