Bipolar check in #37

Today I finally went to the eye dr. after months of having trouble seeing small print. I am getting my first pair of progressive lenses. It's actually my 2nd but the first was to correct strabismus and I've used another correction for that for years. This will help me see print without needing to remove my glasses and hold the print far away. I also haven't been able to read a book without bright light (so not when falling asleep) and this should help with that.

I like my new frames so that's good. I just can't wait to get the new glasses and start getting used to progressives and enjoy seeing near and far without taking my glasses off.

This has been an expensive month with this and a sick cat. I'm glad I get paid next week.

Do these visions usually indicate you are going to have an episode or anything like that?
These visions must be upsetting?
I hope everything is okay with you.

Good for you for getting this taken care of!
I need to do the same . I had started with progressive lenses last year. I don't think my prescription was great. I had "outgrown" it rather quickly.

How is Charlie?

I edited my original post fyi.

I am not sure as theyve always happened before diagnosis - I was not aware of what they were back then. I called my psychiatrist when it happened with my daughter at age 2 but she didnt even say it was post partum psychosis. She was hellbent on diagnosing me as ppdepression though.

I can't say what the cause is for you or if it's the same as what I experience, but I experience intrusive thoughts related to either intentional or accidental harm coming to others as a part of my OCD. I don't actually see anything visually, it's just in my mind,and it sounds like you see something? "Harm OCD" is what it's sometimes referred to. In my case I know I don't want to do these things, but it makes me question myself and sometimes I'll do mental compulsions or avoid situations because I am worried I will do something. Once I realized it was OCD I've been more mindful and don't engage with the thoughts so much. They also come and go with my moods.

The low mood I was in this morning has partly passed.

I'm not as low as I was this morning and definitely not as low as yesterday.

I didn't do well in the meetings I was in because I was so withdrawn. But I made it to the end of the day.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

Now I have to figure out how to log this. I track my moods, meds, sleep and weight in an app. It only has 3 levels for depression but I'm in between today. I haven't logged baseline in 2 years now.

So of Im having these- even about myself, it could be "Harm OCD"? I once asked my pdoc if I could have OCD saying that I sometimes have my own rules and such. She said "Can you leave the room before youve counted all the tiles?" I could. "Then you dont have OCD," she said. That I like to make patterns. Ive had visions of harming myself but they arent plans- just visions. Im not counting to certain numbers for everything to be ok but I do like things to be "even" and semetrical.

I feel the exact same way i did before I went IP, maybe even worse. I’m not going back if I feel suicidal Im just gonna do it **** everyone who “cares” about me.

I wish I could just sit with you. Nobody should feel this way ever and especially not on their birthday. How can we help?

I'm feeling the same as before IP too... Just without the psychosis.

It's hard to say if it could be or not without my being a mental health professional, plus there could be other causes for that kind of thought I'd imagine. You may want to bring up these current thoughts with your pdoc or someone so they can help you figure it out? With me I obsess over the fear of what if I harmed someone. That's interesting about the counting question from your pdoc, I don't count anything, but have other compulsions.

Fri morning here. Still feeling well, just a hint of restless irritability. Mainly I think due to being bored. I’m not used to being well and when I’m unwell I do nothing. Consequently I’m doing nothing and I’ve got no ideas.

Bugs, I hate bugs. This is ridiculous. My heads not as loud but I'm not getting better. How long do I have to wait? I see pdoc on Oct. 15th still so uncomfortable.

Normally it takes all day to tidy my bedroom and it’s currently taking less than 5min. I’d go for a walk except that it’s magpie nesting season and I don’t like getting swooped at.

@yellow_fleurs,

I screwed up the quote feature but Wild Coyote asked how Charlie (my cat who had a bad allergic reaction to smoke and was very, very sick a couple weeks ago) was.

He is much better, on the final steroid taper. He is back to being playful and trying to sit on my computer so I take that as a great sign. I'll be so glad to be done with steroids. For one thing he hates them and for another the amount of food and water he is taking in is hard to keep up with (and then I have to keep up with the litter pan). He's always glad to be done with steroids and so am I.

Now we just need to cool off enough I can open windows and see if he can handle the pollens in the air. I'm not sure what happens if he can't handle fresh air anymore. I'm trying not to think of it.

Hi! Thanks for bringing us up to date on Charlie! I am glad to know he is making some progress. I hope he will continue to recover.
Much love to you and to yours.~

Great news! I hope she recovers quickly with no complications

So I saw my T Wednesday. I had 6 weeks worth of a run down to get out of my head. Some BIG things became very apparent, issues that need addressed.They will be tricky to navigate and timing needs to be carefully considered.

Hugs everyone ~

Ugh, maybe I'm crashing. I feel slowed down and groggy despite not taking my meds last night. (I literally passed out at around 8pm and woke up at 4am. I would've taken my meds if i didn't pass out.)

Whatever. I blame my f***ing pdoc's "assistant" for this. I reached out for help like I was supposed to so that I could get prescribed something to knock me down before I crashed, but I didn't get the help I needed. Now I feel like sh_t. Thanks a lot, useless woman.

I think I'm going to go back to sleep. I'm VERY tired.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I wish you had a chance for a softer landing. I am glad to hear you got some much needed sleep though. You're experiencing what I call 'sleep inertia'. A body at rest wishes to remain at rest I hope you feel better as the day goes on.

I'm not feeling very well mentally or physically. Could be worse, but it's still a bit of a struggle.
I think I'm just run down and stressed out and maybe didn't get enough sleep this week, but I can tell my thinking is off. I also feel distracted, irritable and anxious. I really am doing my best to keep my brain stable, it just seems to have other plans. Even though I know it's off I kind of believe my thoughts at the same time. I'm also worried it's affecting my interactions and I hope that I have not acted rude or strange here on PC or anything. Hopefully this weekend I can get myself back on track.

Moose, that sounds unsettling and I hope you are able to get the thoughts figured out and they stop bothering you.

Sending compassion to everyone!

Thanks. I feel pretty low today, though. Was having some very dark thoughts earlier today, but definitely not the worst I've experienced.

I have to remain positive for my mom because I am seeing her today. I know she has been extremely stressed out over work and has spent quite a bit of time worrying about my grandmother.

My sister, who FINALLY isn't being selfish for once in a blue moon, is going with me to pick up special dinner for my mom. It's going to be a surprise.

I'll probably feel miserable for a while (because I guess that's just how depression works...), and it's going to be painful to fake my happiness this weekend, but I think I have to for the sake of everyone. The mastectomy is hitting my mom hard even though my grandma was obviously the one who underwent that procedure. But if I am a Debbie downer about everything, it'll only hurt my mom, and I don't want that because I know she is hurting quite a bit with all the medical scares my grandma has had this year alone. (Not to be pessimistic, but she's had so many (very serious) scares that I'm afraid any minor medical problem could mean the end. ) I guess this is just a particularly bad time to get depressed, and faking things is going to eat at me.

Still feel like a hot steamy pile of s**t

Got 5 hours of sleep then 1 more hour in the morning, so a total of 6 hours is much better than the 3 I got the previous night.