Bipolar check in #37

Fern, bizi and Jennifer,
Thank you for your support!
I am sure I will get it sorted out!

I'm real again! Class went well today. I think I need to buy new games they're going through them to fast.

So yeah- he "rescheduled" on me- with no firm time or date. That's pretty much cancelled on me, isn't it?

It makes sense that you would try a lighter load at first.
It's very helpful that you see value in handling your return to school this way. Some people have to go full speed ahead; they usually do not do well.

Sorry you are disappointed..
Do you think you will find other activities in order to stay awake so you can sleep tonight? I need to do the same! I am nodding off every 3-5 minutes. I won't be driving today!

That's really great MM. You were always real.

I am happy for you!
Do you know what helped you to understand (to feel) you are "real?"

I have finally started to get my act together with cleaning my apartment. I think my bedroom will be spotless tonight, having started off with the floor completely covered in clothes, boxes, bottles, etc.. I hope to be able to vacuum tonight, or at least tomorrow morning sometime. (Have to be careful not to tick off the sociopath downstairs by doing it too early or too late in the day!!)

Now I just need to finish setting up my shelving that I only half built. Once that is done, I will have a new place to put some of my stuff. hooray!!

I am also making progress with work and attended all of my video meetings and voice calls today (minus one of them). I basically have to run something on my computer and wait for it to finish so I can gather data etc.. So, while the computer is running, I am cleaning.

Only downside is that I was a total idiot this morning. I cleaned the countertop in my bathroom with a paper towel and bathroom cleaner spray, and, for some STUPID reason, I flushed the damn paper towel down the toilet instead of throwing it in the trash!! lol. It was like 5am. So now my toilet is clogged and i have to figure out what to do because I don't have a plunger.

Yes- I think so. However my book only has a few pages left and my new one hasnt even shipped yet and I ordeted it a week ago.

Nice job!

Are you near a store where you might buy a plunger?

Are the paper towels visible to you or are they too stuck deeper in the toilet?

You could try to pull any you can see/grasp out of the toilet.

If I was in your position, I would try to secure an plunger. Does management have an office there? If so, might they have a plunger you could borrow?

If I was unable to secure a plunger, I might "untwist" a metal hanger and try to fish out as much of the paper as possible.

I hope you find a solution!

P.S. Offered a link on how to unclog a toilet without a plunger in next post.
There are lots of approaches offered on the net. Good luck!

There are lots of approaches on the net.

For instance:
3 Ways to Unclog a Toilet Without a Plunger - wikiHow

Sounds like cancelled to me

So I think my future has been decided for me. I went on to apply for clinical practice and apparently I need to take the praxis. This is a test for teachers. I did not know this. There is no time for me to take it before the September 30 date of applying for the spring semester. This means I will lose my job at the end of the year regardless. I’m actually relieved. I know I won’t make much money doing anything else but I don’t think I can handle the stress long term. If I can just get through the year, I’ll be fine. Then I can apply to be a para when new jobs come up in April/May. Maybe I was broke as a para but I was healthy. I don’t know how I’ll handle paying for things but I’ll try.

Maybe this job will get better, who knows. Maybe this depression will only last a week or so. I can handle that if it does. But I still wouldn’t be upset if I didn’t keep this job.

Just about 8.5 hours until it is a brand new day!
I am so looking forward to it!

Of course, with a little imagination, I could restart my day right now!!! I'll give it a whirl.

Breathing in, I know I'm breathing in.
Breathing out, I know I am breathing out.*

Present Moment, Wonderful Moment!

*A mediation exercise to bring his students into the Present Moment, offered by Thich Nhat Hanh.

It is a beautiful first day of autumn. Sunny and in the low 70's. I'm taking advantage and am going to go sit in the sun.

I feel so awful today. I took a quick trip to India last week. Jet lag always destroys me. I got back on Friday and felt decent on Saturday: went to a birthday party of my friend's son, went out for dinner with wife and kids. Sunday I wasted the whole day in front of the TV watching "Enlightened," a show on HBO starring Laura Dern that was canceled in 2013.

I always hate Mondays, but today has been BRUTAL. I am staring at my computer, with all these tasks piled up from last week. Nausea, fatigue, and dizziness are totally derailing me. Funny thing is yesterday I spent the day getting after my son. He kept telling me "I'm done with my homework," and then whenever I checked he hadn't done anything. And that's what is happening to me today. I keep over analyzing everything, writing down to do's, pretty much on the order of "breathe" just to feel like I'm making progress.

I HATE BIPOLAR DISORDER...I feel tired, anxious, and depressed 24/7.

I am sorry you have been having a very challenging time.

I am wondering if you could get a waiver which might "grandfather" you in for a semester and you could then take the test the next time it is offered?

I know of a couple of teachers here who have received various certification waivers and the school principals have had the power to do this for them. They have been allowed to continue teaching until their "certification"* tests are offered again.

I use "certification tests"loosely here. They each had a different type of testing they had each needed and have gotten temporary waivers.

Anything like this available to you?

My eldest son had an anaphylactic reaction today. He managed to get to a hospital and was treated there.

Thank goodness he was close to a hospital when it happened. He's way off in Singapore so I can't be with him but I'm calling him tonight. He's got a roommate who I've asked to check in on him once in a while.

On top of this I'm feeling really unfulfilled today and not feeling too good overall.

I'm going to log this one as a not-so-good day.

Scooter, I'm glad your son came through okay. What a relief.

I told my boss today that I would take the increased hours at the central office even though it will be an hour's commute. She said I could give it a try but didn't have to stick with it if it was too much for me.

Oh my goodness Thankfully he is fine, very scary. Hopefully tomorrow is a much better day for you

Sounds like a good plan. Maybe an audio book for the commute time ? I have gotten some for our trips to Florida it does help pass the time.

Oh! I am glad your son is okay.

This is one of the few things that really frighten me for anyone and for myself. It has to be very frightening!

I hope you can sleep well and tomorrow is a much better day for you!

Still strong urges to self harm. Took another blazing hot shower which helped a little. Now I’m trying to focus on getting through to seeing my therapist tomorrow. She may have some words of wisdom for me. She almost always does. She’s given me plenty of “thinking exercises” in the past but I can’t remember any right now. Hopefully she will remind me.

I barely did anything at work today. I got some grades in which is good. My classes were unproductive. I kept telling myself I’ll do better tomorrow but I don’t know if I will. I’m going to try. I just feel like crying but I’m so dead inside I can’t cry. This is how depression manifest for me.

At least RS is trying to be understanding. My husband used to just yell at me. RS is making sure to give me lots of hugs and tell me how much he loves me. It helps a little.

Now I have a headache, which I tend to get when very stressed. About to just close my eyes and lay here listening to music.

I had a good therapy session today. We discussed something re my career and she said she thought I was capable because I may have a mental illness, but I am in treatment and committed so she thinks I am doing well considering. So that was encouraging.
We also talked about exposure therapy for anxiety. I don't think she's an expert in ERP, but for now I think I'll stick with her because she does seem to get me and I trust her. If I feel I am not making progress I will consider switching to an ERP therapist again. We talked about the bipolar diagnosis and she said I could see my psychiatrist again and release the records to her so she can see why they gave me the diagnosis. I am thinking I might do that.

She also recommended I read the book Is Fred in the Refrigerator? which is about OCD. For those who are interested and would find it relevant I thought I would share. Looks like it got some good reviews.

On a random note, my mom mailed me a box of small pumpkins from her garden. Looking forward to painting them with friends.

Sending compassion to everyone!

I am really sorry you are struggling. Do you think this is due to stress? I hope you won't harm yourself. Are there any other coping skills that work for you usually? I am glad RS is being understanding and supportive.