Bipolar check in #37

(((((( BirdDancer ))))))

I wish I could sit with you and listen for as long as you'd wish to share.

You are in what is commonly seen as an "impossible situation."

I went through very similar challenges and heartbreak with my father and with my brothers. It was so often upsetting, frustrating and incredibly sad. I could never understand why anyone would continue to do things which had brought great sadness to others, while knowing there had already been heartwrenching tragedies within the family.

People are so often struggling with their own challenges (their illnesses, etc.). I'd had to learn that their choices and actions had nothing to do with me and did have much more to do with each of them and with their own struggles.

In the end, I have lost my father and two brothers to alcohol-related, mental health-related, causes. It's been very difficult to watch them destroy their lives. I had begged them to do otherwise. I have taken each of them to treatment centers over and over again, only to have them refuse to go into the facility, etc. I'd wanted so see them heal more than they were each invested in healing their lives.

While my efforts were occasionally appreciated, I'd made little to no impact for them and had provided very little of what they each had needed. They'd needed to desire to heal. This is not something we can give to someone else. We can encourage them, support them in any way we can do so; yet, we cannot give them the ability to forgive themselves and/or give them the will to live. They have to want it.

I share just to let you know that you are not alone. Our loved ones have been on horribly sad and self-destructive paths. It is incredibly sad as we watch them progress in their illness(es) and as we fear losing them. It is heart-wrenching.

It was especially difficult for me to "settle" with the death of my father. I loved him deeply; yet was often very disappointed in him and was very hurt, and terrorized, by him and by his choices. I had felt very guilty about feeling relief he had died. It took me years to get over my intense guilt for feeling so relieved he was "gone."

You are doing the best you can do for you, for your husband, for your siblings, and for your life in general. You are doing your best to stay well and to carry on in a healthy manner. You cannot control anyone else, no matter how much you love them and you do care about them. You can only do the best you can do for yourself.

You are not alone in your heartache. I have a shoulder for you should you ever need one.

You are making very healthy choices.

I woke up this morning with yet another migraine and the beginnings of a head/chest cold. I was pushing quite a bit, hoping to ditch the migraine, getting on with a productive day. It took much of the morning to calm the migraine.

Not long after I 'd eaten lunch, my aunt had called. My uncle has been suffering with dementia and has been in a nursing home for approx. a year. He has been in the ICU of the local city hospital for 3 days now. Pneumonia. He was taken off life support this afternoon. He has always been such a FUN (and a safe) person and is my favorite uncle. I am relieved he will suffer no more.

My aunt and my cousins are there with my uncle and expect he would pass soon. It will take me quite awhile travel to their town. My aunt has reassured me that they would likey be gone from the hospital before I could get there.

I am quite sure I can expect company soon. Very soon. While I will be happy to see everyone, I am tired right now. Lots of stress. I know my sister and her partner will help tremendously, which is reassuring. I have to trust all will work out just fine. I cannot get into "worrying" or being frantic, it takes too much energy!

Have you found something to celebrate today?
I am celebrating my relationship with my favorite uncle. He lives in my heart. I am glad he is now "free!"

Love to ALL!

Wild Coyote, I am glad that you have had a favorite uncle. yes he is free now!
(((((((HUGS and love)))))))
bizi

Thinking of you WC! What a great way to honor your uncle. I hope you begin to feel better and have the strength to enjoy your visit.

Wild Coyote, I'm sorry to learn that you may soon lose your favorite uncle. I envy that you even had a close uncle. It is reassuring that your sister and her partner will be there helping you.

Wild Coyote, glad you got over your migraine. Celebrating your uncle sounds like a wonderful idea. Sounds like he suffered enough near the end and like you said he's free now. Thinking of you.

Wild Coyote - what an uplifting post and a great way to honor and celebrate your uncle! I’m glad you had a fun, safe uncle and enjoyed his company. You have such a positive outlook! I’m glad your sister and her partner can help with company and hope it doesn’t take too much of your precious, precious energy. Thinking of you.

How Exciting!!!
I am very happy for you!!!

((( @BirdDancer ))) We've talked about this before but I just want to add that I hear you and send hugs your way. My dad has been really flakey lately- he doesnt make sense when I try to have a conversation with him over the phone. He said he fell out of bed and hit his head. He says that a lot. I dont know what else I can do. He's 72. My sister wants to buy him an Apple Watch. It dials 911 after one minute if you take a hard fall. Anyway, I feel for you and your dad. I can tell that this is really hard on you.

I seem to be coming out of the sleep daze I've been in the past 4 days.

Voices and delusions/paranoia is completely gone., these are the only meds I've ever been on that have completely got rid of my symptoms 100% It's strange almost, things have never been completely quiet even in times of relative stability. It's good though, just a big change after over 10 years of struggling.

Woohoo! That is so great! Ten years. Wow.

I am having vivid visions again. In addition, I feel anxious. I put on a movie to distract me.

(I want a vacation but like that's gonna happen. )

I'm taking N3 for a haircut tomorrow- he really needs it. I never hear my alarm anymore- even though I set it. I asked him to wake me up.

What should I do? Tomorrow I need to go to the bank for part of the Assignment From Hell. Now my head hurts.

I'm so mad at myself. I can only conclude my **** ups are due to being sick. I need help managing my life. I hope after a couple of weeks I feel more confident again. I need to make a list of things I need to do,

I made it to church again today despite having some lingering migraine pain. This was 4 in a row. I also went to a class on groups and actually joined a group that will meet once a week. I'm excited about it. I like this church so much. There are about 200 people per service yet people are learning my name. The pastor made a point of coming up and giving me a hug and asking about my GI appointment I had asked people to pray for. It's just a a nice place.

I took a long nap between church and class, trying to get over my migraine. It helped some but not completely. Hopefully I'll wake up with it gone.

I am glad that the weekend is over..

apart from having nothing on and no plans, I had a panic attack yesterday, undercooked food, and got a headache (none of that fun)

hoping this week will be a bit better (she says as she's sitting here on a monday morning with no plans.)

Good for you! It's tough to know when to push through and when to retreat when it comes to migraine. You've done well at choosing.

The church gatherings sound beneficial.

Moose, you're kind for sharing your understanding. That would scare me, too, to see a parent starting to injure themselves a lot. Your sister has a good idea. It's hard to have that worry!

My dad has also fallen, but even in public because of drunkenness. Twice he fell at a bar and they called an ambulance. My siblings are angry that the bartender even served him enough to lead to that. Also, he has scratches all over his car and truck. At least once he had a hit and run with a parked car. Now he drives less (thank goodness) but rather stays home like a hermit only drinking and sleeping. He is depressed a lot.

My brother lives with my dad, but my brother works many hours, so isn't always home. My sister lives only down the road from him, but rarely visits him. She will retire young in January. She often struggles with health problems. I live about 38 minutes drive away from him. Not very far, but I am obviously not the best as a first responder. My dad never wants to worry me.

I've been so busy lately with all sorts of stuff. Haven't had time to read the forums.

I found out that my uncle has type 2 diabetes. He is 6'5" and 180 lbs. Not overweight. I'm not sure what happened, but my grandfather (his dad) had diabetes shortly before he passed away, so I'm sure that family history played into it a bit. Just sucks, though. I feel bad for him. Now I have to watch out for myself, considering I'm not overweight but have high cholesterol as my dad and he do. We all seem to be the same.

Anyway, have to do work... I'll check back on the forums later. I have a lot of stuff to do today, ranging from cleaning the floor and vacuuming to clearing off the kitchen counters and wiping them down. Then I've gotta finish building my shelving which I keep saying I'll do but never end up doing. I also ordered some organization stuff for two of my closets. I don't know why I've never realized that I have two empty closets which I could use to store things in, but now I have more places to put my stuff.

Hope everyone has a good day!

You sound good blue.
bizi

Bumped my Mirapex dose again. Following pdoc's directions.

No side effects so far, no nausea.

Feeling down and withdrawn today but that's pretty much normal for me these days.

I had some company over during the weekend and I participated in the conversation. That's a big change because I was zoning out and disengaging in the recent past.

I wish I could say it was the Wellbutrin but it was all me. I really focused on staying engaged, looking at everyone, and worked on coming up with things to say. I was tired at the end of the night but it was worth it.

I am not following my pdoc's directions. I changed my dose of lithium (went back up to a previous dose) and stopped taking abilify. I feel LOADS better and WAY more stable. I know I shouldn't be doing it but it has prevented hypomania/stopped hypomania in its tracks. I plan to discuss this honestly with them in my next appointment but when the nurse called me on the phone to check in I didn't tell her about any of it. (She only asked about sleep and a different change we had made, so I didn't lie, but...obviously not the whole truth.) My partner is aware of my changes and is opposed to me not telling them things but also at the same time says I'm doing better and seeming more stable.

@BirdDancer My dad called just a bit ago. He wanted to know how I was because he'd read my blog. I took DOWN the scary post about the intrusive thoughts days ago, so that's good. But he seemed good. Said he's been having trouble sleeping- that his doctor -(he doesnt have a pdoc)- prescribed "something in the Xanax family" but he didn't like it "so I flushed that ****". I have no idea why someone would prescribe xanax for sleep, but the alternative is that he's lying. Always the two sides: loving wonderful Dad who can do no wrong and the lying drunk dad. He did seem pretty with it today though so that's good.

Feeling low today but the self harm urges aren’t as strong. So at least I’m calmer. I had off from work for Rosh Hashanah so I mostly slept. Took my son to school at 7:30 (before care), got a bagel, ate it, went back to bed from eight to two. I would have stayed in bed longer because I woke up very anxious but I had to put the rent check in and get cat food. So I went out. I got the grocery shopping done and I even did my laundry. Didn’t manage to do any cleaning but it is what it is.

I’m nervous about work tomorrow. I’m not sure how I’m going to feel. If I feel like this I’ll be able to make it through. I have to make it through no matter what, I can’t keep taking time off. I left work early on Thursday and Friday and came home and slept. That’s no good.

I blew my carbs pretty badly with the bagel and then I just had tortilla chips and salsa for lunch. So I ended up getting a pumpkin spice latte on top of it. I shouldn’t have that much sugar but oh well. I’ll be under my calories at least.

Sigh. I hope I start feeling better soon. I don’t like being so down. I know it’s wearing on RS. He wishes he could fix it for me. I keep reassuring him it’s not his fault and all he needs to do is remind me how much he loves me and give me hugs. That’s all he can do and it does help.

It's good to hear you have no major side-effects! Your pdoc will be able to give better statistics (on nausea )than can mine at this point. I hope it stays this way!

I had found I had started to participate more in life within a couple of weeks. I did get hypomanic on it, only because my pdoc was on vacation and I was so pleased with the more immediate results that I quickly increased the dosage (to a full 6mg twice a day)! A dose far too high for use in psychiatry. Lol!

I hope you will feel positive changes with time.

Nice Job!!!

Catch up with you when you take a much-deserved break!