No hope at all anymore

Hurting, loneliness, no future...

HI Matt,

I am sorry yo are having a difficult time again. I know you struggle a lot and you, like others, get tired of fighting the fight. You are very courageous. I imagine you are feeling worse than ever, as you are most often on the depression board. It is usually more active here and I am glad you are reaching out here.

I apologize, Matt, I do not recall the details concerning your support system.
Do you have the support of friends/family?

Did something trigger an exacerbation of depression, loss of hope, lately?
Have your meds changed lately?
Have you seen your pdoc and/or your therapist lately?

Could you fill us in a bit about what's going on for you?

We are here for you. Keep reaching out.

Healing, fellowship, hope.

I don’t really have support. Except from my therapist.
I just don’t have hope of things getting better, getting a job and so on. Getting a more “stable” life. I feel like I’m getting left behind in life.
I feel like I can’t keep doing this and it has to stop. So I think a lot about ending it.

Keep in mind that your thoughts are like a steam engine. You're adding more coal to the fire every time you entertain these thoughts. Carve out time each day to sit with thoughts of hope. Start small by imagining doing something fun or something restorative. Then work up to taking the step of doing it. Take a walk. Go to a show or a game. Buy yourself something fun as a treat. Try meditation. Exercise. Write. Make art. Sing. Whatever. Be creative. Then spend more and more time in this state. Dream up a better future for yourself by stringing along a chain of a few positive experiences together. Imagine the kind of life you want and the kinds of activities that version of you does. Then start doing those things one at a time.

Change your thought pattern and then you will begin to create new habits bit by bit. It takes time and you will have to fight yourself for it. It won't be easy, but no fight ever is. You will be stronger for it and you will gain more confidence as you go. Step out if the fear and try. You're going to remain stuck if you don't. Sometimes being stuck is all we can manage, but you sound like you're ready for different. You sound ready for change. I know you wish for this all to end, but you can put an end to this in much more positive ways. The current ideas you have are lacking and I don't really think you want to go there. You just don't want to be where you are. That's fair, but shifting to a new pattern is much better than no pattern at all.

I once had a therapist tell me that relapse begins each time we entertain triggers or negative thoughts. You're on a relapse loop. You have to interrupt the pattern. You reached out here. That's a brave and excellent start! Can you give yourself credit for that today and love yourself a little for trying? It is all about perspective and the tiniest shifts make all the difference. Maybe you start by posting here more? Make a few friends.

You aren't alone. We can be here for you while you get started. Baby steps and be kind to yourself while you try ok?

I am here for you, @MatBell. You're NOT alone as this thread has already WONDERFULLY shown you! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY THAT NO ONE IS HELPING YOU IN REAL LIFE! I TRULY, REALLY AM! Please do LISTEN to what ALL the other WISE and WONDERFUL POSTERS have already WISELY and WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY ENTIRE AND WHOLE LIFE! Definitely try to do something fun. Distract yourself. Please try not to focus too much on your current Thoughts... Your Life is worth living, even though it may not seem that way at the momenti, but it is! I PROMISE YOU THAT! THAT'S A PROMISE! I GUARANTEE YOU THAT! YOU CAN REST ASSURED OF THAT! Please hit me up. You know I'm here for you when you need someone to talk to or vent to or even some Advice and Support, why not! I am SURE plenty of others will be REALLY HAPPY to listen to what you have to say! Please stay safe and remember how AWESOME and IMPORTANT you are! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @MatBell, your family, your friends, your Therapists, your Pdocs and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING! I AM TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY FOR WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH AND THAT YOU'RE HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY! I TRULY, REALLY AM! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! PLEASE NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

Hi Matbell, Just checking in to see how you are doing today.? Lots of great advice offered to you here! I hope you find something helpful. I believe you will find much of the approaches offered to you as very helpful. They have to be an improvement upon where you sit now?

Maybe choose one or two and give them a try?

I hope you take good care of yourself and stay safe while you are sorting things out!

I think there is some great advice in this thread. I hope some of it is helpful.

Me too. Big hugs

HI Matbell,

I have been thinking about you and the fact that you so rarely get relief.
I am wondering if you think your pdoc might be interested in maybe thinking outside of the box.
My depression has been severe and has been treatment resistant. My old pdoc had retired and I had started to see a new one. She had tried a couple of her treatment resistant patients on a med called : Mirapex. She has had reasonably good luck with this, as I have I.

Mirapex is a dopamine agonist. A drug we all recognize more, Wellbutrin or bupropion, is also a dopamine agonist; yet, Mirapex is more powerful than Wellbutrin as a dopamine agonist. It makes a huge difference to me.

I thought I would mention this to you , as I know you suffer a great deal. Maybe mention this med to your doctor?
Another good point is that Mirapex is an older med and is quite reasonably priced.

Please take care !!!

Hi @MatBell you have a great quote in your signature line. Your troubles are not permanent. Try to hold on to that.

MatBell, sorry you're going through such a down time. That sucks.

It does sound, though, as if you're still seeing your therapist. As I recall you had walked out on your session and were wondering what to do about it. May I ask did you get back together and discuss it? I kind of hope so. Anyway, many hugs, encouragements, and good wishes (((((( ))))) I think about you often.

I’m not back with her. I saw another one briefly and now I don’t see anyone. Maybe I’ll go see my psychiatrist this week. I don’t know.
I’m pretty disappointed in them actually. Never heard back from the therapist. So I’m pretty certain that it’s over.

But thanks for writing and showing you care.

Hi, I think it's truthful to say that every single one of us here have felt (or feel) the way you do right now.

As for the therapist - find a different one. There are a lot of sucky T's, but a few good ones. Find a good one.

Probably a wise idea to see your pdoc.

Whatever the case, you're not alone here. We are real people with real struggles, and we understand.

Yes, Mat, I do care.

I wonder, it seems as if a continuing theme in your posts is the feeling that you're failing to achieve in your life, that is, to find a job or profession you feel you should have found by now. Is that true, do you think? That that is a big problem for you?

Actually looking at my last post if I were you I’d find that patronizing and intrusive, so I felt uncomfortable with it.

Instead I want to say simply that sometimes it’s enough of an achievement just to stay alive for another day.

Yes that is true. Some days are harder than others. These days are pretty hard right now. With New Years and everything.

Yes I’m not where I want to be in my life at all. It’s embarrasing and very shameful for some reason. So shameful that when I can’t see a way out I just want to end it.

Mat I think I’m quite a bit older than you so I’ll just share with you my own journey in regard to this subject, because it’s probably from a different perspective.

I used to want to have a high position in the world so I’d be respected by others. Degrees, that sort of stuff. I was bright enough, I thought, so why wasn’t I making it? Well - and it took me many years and mucho misteps to figure this out - first of all if I wanted to be a big cheese in the world it was probably going to involve a whole lot of self-promotion and a whole lot of socializing. Neither of which, to put it mildly, I was good at. In fact both were painful for me.

I kept wondering what was wrong with me. Was I autistic or what? Well, after many years of such agonizing I finally stumbled on the truth about myself by reading a little book which revealed to me my “diagnosis”. I was not insane or criminally twisted, I was simply a Loner. I simply don’t enjoy being around other people that much. I certainly don’t wish anyone harm, I simply prefer to do most things by myself. This very strong proclivity makes “success” pretty much impossible for me, and once I came to terms with that and accepted it once & for all, things kind of fell into place.

I don’t know what your personal journey will involve or what it is you want to do with your life, but I hope very much that you stick around to find out. (((( hugs ))))