Bipolar check in #39

It's sad, but true!
It seems to be getting worse, even for those who have done some financial planning.

I d watched my grandmother, who had worked very hard, had planned financially and had very strongly intended to spend every winter in FL, actually realize her dreams. She had thoroughly enJOYed her retirement for over 20 years! She passsed away at 94 y.o. and had at least 200K left in her accounts.

I watch other people, years later, struggle through day-to-day, while lacking adequate financial planning because there is no extra money to set aside.
I have seen so many die of some dreaded disease within 1-3 years of having retired, Some do pass on before retirement.

So many I know understand they will work until they are at least 80 y.o and/or until they are no longer able to work.

I'd love to read your rant, IZ! I am interested in your point of view!

By the way, I miss you when you are not posting, as I love you and your posts!

Could not sleep last night. ( Again.)


Nothing specific keeping me awake. Sleep anxiety. Long-term, since I can recall.

Also in a lot of pain.


Long day yesterday. I had just gotten to bed (early), when my aunt called from a rural hospital. She had been having heart attacks for two days. She was in the hospital. She will be transferred to this area today for the placement of stents. We have a teaching medical center here with an outstanding cardiac specialists.


I am becoming increasingly mindless! Too sleep-deprived. I am not sure I have time for a nap today. i generally cannot sleep during the day.


I hope everyone has a great day!

Thanks, you're such a sweetie! I have been pretty busy. Speaking of work -- work, work, working! That's 5 days a week, then I hardly know where my days off go, lol. I have perhaps been playing with fire, but I've been spending some time with ex-bf. Just having fun, watching some dvds and stuff. He's a long bus ride away, with a short run time window, so time is automatically quite limited. Despite much past grief, it is nice spending time with someone who knows me so well and shares common interests.

Anyhow, speaking of work, lunch break is over.

After 2 years of being in a depressive episode, where do I end up? Hypomanic.

I think it's starting. I had to control myself a great deal this morning after I got up at 330. I just kept telling myself to relax, be cool, and ignore what my mind wishes I would do.

At work I pretty much finished things that were expected to take a few days. So now I'm sitting here itching for something to do.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep it under control. I called and emailed my pdoc.

Agreed. That is what I fully anticipate for myself. Ever since I was young, I figured SS wouldn't be there for me. That it would be gone or that they'd just keep raising the age, keeping it ever out of reach. Part if it is that the baby boomers preceded me. (I am rabidly against being included in that demographic as I can't relate at all to what are deemed the defining experiences of the generaration. Also, I have felt screwed over at every juncture on account of their impact. To me, it was the generation of the hippies. Yeah, if you want to hear a full-on rant, that's a subject I can give one on, lol.) Aaaanyhow...


Even if it is still there, I wouldn't get anywhere near enough to live on. So, work it will be...

It's sad, but true!

It seems to be getting worse, even for those who have done some financial planning.


I d watched my grandmother, who had worked very hard, had planned financially and had very strongly intended to spend every winter in FL, actually realize her dreams. She had thoroughly enJOYed her retirement for over 20 years! She passsed away at 94 y.o. and had at least 200K left in her accounts.


I watch other people, years later, struggle through day-to-day, while lacking adequate financial planning because there is no extra money to set aside.

I have seen so many die of some dreaded disease within 1-3 years of having retired, Some do pass on before retirement.


So many I know understand they will work until they are at least 80 y.o and/or until they are no longer able to work.


I'd love to read your rant, IZ! I am interested in your point of view!


By the way, I miss you when you are not posting, as I love you and your posts!

I finally accomplished something for once in a while: I brought my car to the dealer to get my snow tires on. Took about an hour and 15 mins, but I had my iPad with me so that I could use it to pass time by. The sucky thing is that the dealership forgot to give me back my wheel lock key before I left, so now they are MAILING it instead of letting me pick it up, even though I am only 11 mins away by car (or 13 mins with traffic). Ugh. Minor annoyance.


That aside, I am not feeling so great right now. I don't think I'm depressed or anything, but I'm just feeling "defeated" and worn out from all the work I've been doing nonstop for 15 days straight, working 10-12 hrs a day, or 12+ on weekends. I know I need to take breaks, but I am sooooo afraid of losing my job. I just have to keep reminding myself that this will all be over in about a week and a half.

Went grocery shopping today. Got lots of good food. My appointment at my college was rescheduled to Thursday morning, which works well for me. My sleep has been really good the past couple days.


Friday I'm going to my primary care doctor to get a med prescription for my silent GERD. I was on Zantac but since it's been recalled I'll have to start something different. Saturday I plan on going to the evening mass.


Have an appointment with my doctor and therapist next week, it will be nice to tell them how well things have been going. It took awhile to get stabilized after the psychotic episode but I have been doing great for a couple months now!


I'm already getting in the holiday spirit

@falcon09: Congratulations about being back in your own apartment! I love having my own apartment! I treasure my privacy! I like apartments better than houses because they are more sturdy and no lawn care or shoveling the driveway. I live in Canada and when the cold North wind howls on Winter nights i like knowing i have only one single exposed wall and that it's thick sturdy concrete. Apartment-dwelling is also "greener" -- better for the environment. The urban planners call it "intensification." No expensive roads to build for urban sprawl, no kilometers of sewer system or electrical service. I also like having an elevator -- so fun to ride on a regular basis and we have mirrored walls in ours -- sexy! We have an active party room in our building. The events rarely involve me but i love to peek in at all the revelers dancing and chatting and the tables groaning with food! Our building is also dog-friendly and we have such an abundance of property it is like we have our own park out back with even an enclosure for the dogs to run free! Such a building i live in! Now if only my neighbors would get over themselves . . . .

@christina: It's funny and apt that you call it "Hellmart." So perfectly describes the experience of shopping there! When i made my first shopping foray about ten days ago since my fear psychosis started on September 27th i actually started in Hellmart and wound up sitting on the floor with my fingers in my ears and my head slumped over on my chest while the stockboy went to check on a sale item that was sold-out -- surprise, surprise. I attempted to get a raincheck at the service desk but i couldn't take it anymore and fled. Since then i have made two subsequent attempts to go and turned back at the door both times once i glimpsed the madness inside. I don't know what to do about the department store purchases i need. The drugstore and grocery store i can tolerate, but not Hellmart.

Whew! Got two doctor’s appointments out of the way for me and one for mom. More tests to be done. I managed to squeeze some errands in and feel well enough to go to a movie tonight and make a casserole for a bible study luncheon tomorrow. It will be my first time back. I sincerely hope it goes well. I’m nervous.


It’s a good day today. I find when I force myself up and out, I feel better. It helped that the weather is beautiful.


Warm wishes to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Neighbor man is putting up his tree protection. In the winter deer come here and eat his trees cause they are evergreens. So every winter he has to put up a fence around the trees. Tonight we're to get our first measurable snow. 2-4 inches. This year they have bow and arrow shooting at the parks and nature center to control the herd sizes so I don't think his trees are in any danger.


Back to not sleeping. Tossing and turning. Did sleep enough to have some half dreams. A really cool multi level book store with well worn wood bookcases and real Harry Potter books. An old Victorian house where I was varnishing the floors and somehow that turned into China ceramic dragons that needed to be glazed. Throughout both dreams my daughter was 3-4 yrs olds again. I was finishing the house so my daughter could live with me. Probably old leftover desires as we only lived in apartments. I think my granddaughter is bring these dreams to the fore as she looks a lot like my daughter at that age.

Going shopping! I love Christmas time.

I hate Hellmart with a passion! But there are some things that are just more expensive at just my grocery store Kroger. So I go and just grab TP, laundry soap, fabric softener,bath soap etc. I do not buy any food at Walmart anymore. I literally walk in grab what I must and get the bloody hell out lol !

Do you have a strict budget to follow?? I only bought dog food and feminine products. I'm getting everyone a $5.50 gift card on my side of the family. My parents are getting $25 gift card but its his family we're arguing about. We have yet to get anything for our son. I want to spend "too much" on his side. He doesn't agree that because we spent x on my side we should spend x on his.

He's not to happy anyways because he's babysitting me. We'll see how this goes. I've never carried money/cards on me so I can't do anything without an okay, unless he's sleeping. Maybe it's the abilify. I saw a woman in a car but no one was really there. English is getting hard to understand and I yelled at him for being to close to me in a car. I'm generally in a good mood but I'm flipping hard. I need to sleep tonight. I may take sleeping medication tonight but at the same time I don't want to. I'm bp2/SzA and on an AP so it can't get that bad. Right? I still want to cut my hair. It took 3 hrs to get through today because I don't take care of it.

Yeah, i know it's not really PC but I love venison. I wish my nephews would share the bounty with us.

I loved that bookstore in the dream. I could spend hours there.

i'm going back on the Seroquel. i have been withdrawing for four months and deteriorating rapidly, sensitive and vulnerable and not able to function. i have been attributing it to other things like age, peri-menopause, bipolar psychosis, but none of those things can account for the rapidity of my deterioration as well as the withdrawal from Seroquel can. i'm over-reacting to the littlest things and feel as weak as a ragdoll. if i continue without Seroquel i will have to live like an invalid at 53. even my clothes hurt. i have been wearing pajamas all day, even when i take my dog out (i wear a parka). human faces are bothering me. it feels like the most benign things are reaching into my brain stem. i laugh and cry and rage and grieve. i'd rather be numb, comfortably numb and be able to get things done. i have to get my dogs nails trimmed tomorrow at the vet's. my neighbor is driving us and i just hope to get thru it without hysteria.

i feel real disoriented and don't understand what is happening to me.

Ahhhh such a busy day !!! Good for you!! What kind of casserole?? I’m always looking for new recipes and ideas.
: hug: