Bipolar Check-in #40

Feeling nauseous. Just trying to rest my stomach before bed. I think the med increase might be causing this. I was feeling really depressed today and anxious later on. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I'm trying to do at least one thing per day to stay busy and keep my mind off of things, but it's hard.

Hugs to all who need one.

I am hear listening to music with my new stereo setup. This is relaxing me, listening to Kitaro. I did not accomplish anything over the past week. I do not know what is wrong with me. Maybe something to do with my frame of mind. I have allot to do. Two bilks are very late, past due. My dirty clothes is everywhere. I will get these things done...eventually.

I'm so happy that my lungs seem cleared up and I'm feeling better - I even stayed late a couple of hours at work.

Hope everyone is doing well

I’m feeling much better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness and support.

fern46 - something you said to bpcyclist really resonated. Professional warrior. What a beautiful phrase. You are right...it may not be the career that was wanted but it is the work before us. It gave me a sense of purpose and straightened my spine. Thank you for that.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

You are welcome. Thanks so much for sharing. It really holds true in my mind. Everyone in this world has struggles, but those with mental experiences truly get it from all sides. There is of course a mental component, but the emotional effects are extreme. The physical changes our bodies endure are also extreme in many cases and so many of us have had deep spiritual experiences that sometimes include torment. Everyone in life has to fight to stay alive and to thrive. However, it is my opinion that the people I have met through my mental illness journey are doing this on another level all together.

We are truly using all of our faculties to take another breath at moments. We are coming up with whatever we can possibly say to pull each other off the ledge sometimes. We feel things most people do not and we have to unravel the twisted and intricate lies our minds tell us. Many have sacrificed or lost their happiness, their jobs, their friends, their family, their way of life, their pride, their bodies and their confidence. It takes all of our strength to not let it consume us. I'd say that takes the heart of a fierce warrior. It constantly blows my mind that so many here not only survive, but they truly rise and at times find ways to thrive. Truly amazing!

For me, it helped to find humility and surrender to this battle. I kept trying to understand why this happened to me. I finally decided to stop looking at it as something that happened to me and more like my next opportunity for service. An opportunity to serve myself and grow. An opportunity to serve others through support. An opportunity to serve my family by becoming a healthier me. I stopped pushing back against my reality and started to work with it to see what I needed to see. I started to look for ways to use the given variables to create a strategy to attack this from all angles.

It was my belief as a project manager that the work that was laid before us was nowhere near as important as the mindset we used to approach it. I believed that we were meant to laugh while we work. I believed we were meant to support each others like kind humans would. I believed we could blend the best of everyone together to make the work easier so that we had more time to innovate and relax. I believed we could do this so well it wouldn't feel so much like work anymore and more like the game we were playing together. I am doing a different kind of work now, but my beliefs have not changed.

Stand tall Jennifer. You earned it!

Fantastic! It's so difficult to have breathing challenges.
Our bodies are programed to survive and these types of challenges can set off a lot of panic. I have been quite fortunate so far this season.

It's such a relief!

Simply awesome!

It must be such a relief to be feeling better!

So good to see you xRavenx!! Here's to today being much better!

Great to see you!

You are very wise to see a cardiologist.
It has to be a relief to know you can stay on meds which work for you!

I would sometimes feel extra anxious when out to dinner. In some cases, the food/seasonings/preservatives were causing this increase in anxiety and increase in heart rate.

You know yourself best, of course! Just thought I'd throw this out there for anyone reading.

Thanks so much for sharing!

I went back down to Abilify 5mg yesterday after being on 10mg for one day and being up all night. It seems that Abilify has been the cause of my month long mania phase, and hasn't been helping me with anything except significantly lessening the number of my hot flashes and taking away the anxiety that I would normally feel when they begin. That's important, but not enough for me to stay on this med. I'm probably switching to Lithium next week when I see my psych PA.

Here I am getting up late, with almost all the morning gone. I walked the dog at 12 AM, and stayed up to 3:30 AM last night. I have been having more of those nights lately. How can I have the energy to stay up that late, but earlier in the day, have no energy to accomplish anything? That "paralysis" again and the anguish it brings to me, struggling to do what I need to do, really easy things to do.

Time for me to have the cat chased around the house. I used to be the one getting this exercise. Now my puppy does it for me, and does a better job at it too.

Update:

I forgot to say that I may have a new comorbid diagnosis of ADD. This one came as a surprise to me. Many of the symptoms were always there, but not in a way that would convince me that I actually have it. I though it may have been part of having BP. I also forgot to mention that some time ago my official diagnosis has changed from BP NOS to BP I. Apparently, only one truly manic episode in ones life qualifies for BP I. Many years ago, I think I had at least a couple.

I'm not sure if I can call myself hypomanic, but I've definitely been more elevated than normal lately. I'm supposed to have a phone call with my new pnurse next week and I'm fairly anxious about it. It'd be fine if I were to see her in person but for some reason they really want me to do these stupid phone calls that I hate.

Well, well, well, BirdDancer--how sweet it is!!

Trying to sort of ease back into the swing of posting again. Many people dealing with a bunch of really difficult issues and circumstances. Not appropriate for me to really comment directly, as I am still kind of crawling back. Sending support and positive brain and body vibes to all.

Slept a bit last night, not really sure how much. My meds make me sometimes chew on the inside of my mouth and while doing that yesterday, I managed to significantly damage a molar. My pain is nothing compared to what other people here are dealing with. But for me, it is quite difficult. NSAIDs doing nothing. Got some Orajel, helping a bit, but still quite uncomfortable. No way to see a dentist, obviously, with the holidays. So, I have to make it until Monday. We'll see.

Thank you, Fern, again for your always kind and sage advice and words. You are right. I am a warrior. We all are warriors, battling an invisible set of diseases on a still more invisible battlefield. No-one sees the heroic efforts. No-one but us, that is.

The way through this battlefield is with each other. It is the only way. And I am so grateful for all of you.

Believe it or not, despite what I had to do to get there, I really don't think of my career often. That was another life. Really, another person. Can't speak for other countries, but in America, if you are healthy and motivated, you can accomplish almost anything. I trained at one of the most brutal, gruesome surgery residencies in the country. But my easiest day now is ten times harder than my worst day then.

Warriors.

Onward.

[Fern--many thanks for the reference, right up my alley]

This warrior is in the infirmary.

In pain beyond the scope of pain meds. Pain from chronic conditions as well as from recent hip injury (which is the source of often excruciating pain). Have called ortho for a consult. It will be a month's wait.

Have slept some for the past 2 nights. I find I do not want to get up. This is the opposite of how it has been for the last 6 months or longer.

I am looking forward to seeing my sister and her partner tomorrow. They are staying 2 nights!

I will see other family members on Thanksgiving Day.

Right now, I have no idea as to how I will be able to function over the next two days. Time will tell.

Love to All!

I like that!!!

I must've been hypomanic for awhile now without realizing it, and now I'm feeling pretty bad. Just spent like the past 20 mins crying about stupid s*** that shouldn't even matter. Even worse, this is all my fault. 100% my fault. I feel this way because I wasn't consistent on my meds. I wasn't purposely trying to skip them, though. Not this time. I've been pretty much taking them every other day or every few days.

Honestly, I'm just stressed out from working all the time, and my sleeping schedule is totally screwed up to the point I'm sleeping at random hours and not even taking my meds at proper times. I've tried setting alarms on my phone to take the meds at a consistent time everyday, but I'm just going to buy an actual alarm clock tomorrow at Wal-Mart. F*** it. This entire week, my phone has either shutoff on me (not from a drained battery, but just randomly shut off) or the alarm apps are crashing. I've tried multiple alarm apps, and for some reason, they all crash on my phone. I don't know if it's the latest iPhone update or what, but they seem to crash whenever my phone decides it doesn't want to randomly shut off. "App unexpectedly closed." That's what I see on my screen instead of showing the alarm go off. And the phone isn't old. It's an iPhone XS that I got shortly before the iPhone 11 came out.

Whatever. I'm just feeling particularly bad... I just hope this passes soon because I'm at my breaking point. I'm stressed out so much from work. Thanksgiving can't come sooner, can it?

You've taken quite a few severe blows lately. I hope the ortho has a cancellation and gets you in sooner. A month is just too long!

I'm so happy for you to have your sister coming. She and her partner sound like the right kind of medicine when you're feeling this way.

Maybe your guests will let you put your feet up so they can serve you this year? Wishful thinking never hurt... I think.

I saw my pdoc...the gist of the appointment was...

* I'm in a mixed episode
* Prescribed Seroquel for a week to help me sleep
* No med changes, for now

Just one warrior helping out a fellow warrior. Teamwork is my favorite approach to work.
That's exactly it! An invisible battle with opponents we can only feel. So very tricky, but if we band together we have all the tools we need.

Speaking of bands, we're like a Ragtag Band of Misfits, but I always feel at home here.
Ragtag Bands of Misfits – Mythological weave of Ice & Fire
I needed a healthy laugh today.

I should have added... The work aspect is tricky for me. I'm not sure I'll ever go back into anything full time. I used to work under insane pressure and I just don't see that as a fit anymore. I'm trying to redefine myself a bit at a time. I am working on a new strategy and considering a few potential ways forward. I've been blessed to find stability for a while so I want to try to work toward figuring a healthy plan out while this lasts.

I will be at home teaching my kids for several more years if it continues to work out, but I need to stretch my brain in other ways. I feel imbalanced when I don't.

I think it is great you've made peace with stepping away from work. I may need to do that long term, but I'm not quite there yet. Time will tell...

I read your signature, "My avatar picture is a photo of the Whirlpool Galaxy I took in January 2016. I dedicated this photo to my sister who passed away in July 2016." and my heart goes out to you for your loss...and the picture of the Whirlpool Galaxy is beautiful and at first glance I thought you got it online, not that you took the photo yourself...Wow is all I can say! And it's a magnificent dedication...I hope you're feeling well.

There you are!

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope you will get back on track soon, as in tonight? If not tonight , I hope it is soon! I am thinking you might be able to nip this in the bud if you take action right away?

What does it mean to you when you say you are "at your breaking point?"

The good news is: One more day to Thanksgiving!

I am here for you anytime.
Love Ya!

I’m so glad your feeling better