Bipolar Check-in #40

We already saw some pelicans today. When I see one again, I will think of you, Christina, and will be hoping you feel a little better.


Hubby developed cold-like symptoms and coughing from either the statin he started taking, or the new blood pressure med. I'll admit he quit the statin, and went back to the lower dose blood pressure med. Since arriving in Florida (Gulf coast), he thinks he's feeling better.

Well, after that positive post I made yesterday, I gave up and got in bed. I guess that's where I go when I just can't do it anymore. Fell asleep at some point around 3ish and finally woke up at about 515--this morning. Some sort of bizarre miracle, since I normally can't sleep.

Took all my meds almost 2 hours ago and still just wiped out. Usually, the Provigil and the Wellbutrin do a good job of waking me right up for the day. Oh well.

Thank you so very much Jennifer, Nammu, and WC for your kind words and support. I am so grateful. And to everyone who didn't post but who had positive thoughts or vibes--thanks so much to you.

And just to clarify a few things, since I'm kinda newish and since someone was wondering. I have childhood-onset BP 1, but it was not formally diagnosed until 2005 (massive manic/psychotic episode, kinda like last week). I don't think I am outting myself at this stage by just coming out and saying that, while I was a laser surgeon by training, most of my income came from designing surgical lasers for companies in the Bay Area and the UK. I lived on an airplane, mostly overseas, and I think this was a bad career choice for my bipolar stuff.

Anyhoo, I again became psychotic in June of 2007, when I believed I had to somehow get from my house on the river to the Alano Club, three miles uptown, in three minutes' time or a nuclear bomb would detonate. It was Friday rush hour. That drive is maybe twelve minutes in those conditions. When it became clear I wouldn't make it, I became despondent, having let down my city, and drove my SUV head-on into the Fremont Bridge abutment at 60 mph. Right before I struck the concrete, I had the single most spiritual experience of my life. Suddenly, everything but me just disappeared. The car interior, the street, cars, bridge--everything. Just--gone. All replaced by the most gorgeous, perfect, vivid, bright, white tunnel lined by these lights that were just flawless and wondrous. It was perfect. And I knew. My faith wasn't for nothing.

I have spent massive amounts of time in the hospital. Tons of med changes. After my car incident, the vast majority of my family excommunicated me, so that I only have contact now with my elderly dad, who is great, and my partner/non-partner/don't even know what we are anymore... and my wonderful 11 year-old daughter, Kensie.

So, that's way more than enough--sorry. Last thing is that ending my own life is not an option, even though I really want to do it sometimes. The reasons are spiritual/religious. My religion does not permit suicide. I guess that's a good thing, given how I feel about my life sometimes.

Easy on time flight. Easy drive to the hotel. The sun is shining.

I actually didn't have any panic attacks yesterday and none so far today as well. I'm so happy about that! It was getting really frustrating. Hoping the anxiety continues to improve.

The agency my case manager is with gets turkey baskets donated from churches to bring to people who struggle financially and need turkeys and all the stuff needed to make Thanksgiving dinner. They brought mine over today and I'm very excited! I'm definitely thankful for that.

Not a whole lot going on this week. I'm having coffee with my sister on the weekend at Denny's, really looking forward to that

My safety plan is rather long ...it’s really starts off when I have had say a rough 5/6 days in a row , no sleep , increased pain. It’s about hurdles.

For me it’s I must talk to certain people, but it has to be in order ( another hurdle) if I need to say call my daughter but she’s busy at work or involved in stuff and can’t talk well then I just have to wait, it could be hours or the next day until I can , ( more time to do rational thinking) then it’s time to talk to B then C... D is texting as she lives in Cape Town South Africa plus different time zones, so it’s often a wait ...also there is a step I drive to my T’s office and just sit in the car and look at the damn building, it does bring me some comfort , Ive been going there over 8 years , my T now only working 3 days a week so if I’m a mess on Thursday I gotta make it til Monday , so again more time to gather up rational thought. I absolutely refuse to call his cell, I am his only client that has his number actually..well once , I did have to call it while he was out of the office for 5 weeks due to surgery and I was in a real bad place.

The goal is to put as many hurdles in place between you and making a terrible choice.

Catastrophic thinking is something everyone needs to really pay attention too... last week I came here and made a post. Was very frantic ! But with in a little over a day I forced myself to basically turn on logic and common sense reasoning and re read my post I can’t tell you how many times.

It’s was truly just catastrophic thinking. Black and white only.

Personally right now I have to keep a close eye on that as I’m struggling with numerous health problems

So maybe write up a safety plan for yourself.. the longer the better.

Oh yeah I also have to drive to a local park. There’s a lake and lots of Ducks ,I often go there to just think and feed those greedy monsters

Hurdles !

Your not ruminating silly lol

As for your friends reaction ? I think I’d be a bit annoyed/hurt / angry even. I think friends reaction was a bit rude and offputting

Your in a situation where hormones are likely a big portion of the problem. Yes Bipolar in the mix? Probably. But our overall health easily plays into how mental illness steers the boat sometimes.

If you trust your Pdoc I’d defiantly go in for a visit.. can you bring up your unsure about diagnosis ?

You can always get a second opinion too. A fresh set of eyes never really hurts anything

Okay zero sleeps last night (boo hiss)

I numerous things I can do around the house to occupy a lot of time. But will my husband agree to take down all the curtains so I can wash them again it’s only been 4-5 weeks since I did them last.

I have very poor balance so I can not trust myself on even the small step stool needed.

I just gotta say it : my lungs are junk! Just pure trash and if the giant hippo sitting on my chest would go away that would be just swell !

I had quite a traumatic weekend with triggers and thoughts (suicidal and other stuff), but today I am just trying to focus on christmas and the planning (this afternoon I am going to put up my tree, and use that as a distraction)


plus: I am listening to christmas music. anything to try not to think about stuff.

Thanks Christina. Okay, maybe I was just ruminating about ruminating Yeah I did feel a little hurt that maybe he wanted me to know he didn't think my mood symptoms were severe enough or something, even if a professional saw them and diagnosed me. But could have just been out of concern. However, I guess it's not healthy for me to make assumptions about what he meant so I am just going to focus on what I think I should do and trust the professionals. I do trust my pdoc, so I think I'll start with a visit with him.

Zero sleep is no good (yeah I know you don't need me to tell you this). Is this a mood thing do you think or due to the breathing or something else? Sorry to hear that you're still struggling to breathe. Hope you get more sleep tonight and your breathing improves soon

I think it’s just kinda of a perfect storm. I have my general insomnia , but my pain is much higher than normal as I had to stop my biologic for my PsA pain because it’s the reason Im having this ongoing major breathing problem and my fibromyalgia is in an uproar.

Yep perfect storm of utter shyt

Eventually things will improve but I have zero idea of “ when” Half life of Humira is 3-6 months !!!! My rhuemy really wants to wait for my breathing to return to normal before we start another med... but if I have a huge skin flare or the pain just gets absolutely unbearable we might need to start something else.

It’s always something

Long day. Went to the nursing home three times today. The first she was out doing physical therapy, the second time there was 4 staff in her room. She's coming home Thursday. The third time I just popped in with a thank you card for her to sign and a therapist popped in for more pt.

Mum's neighbor did all the leaves on our lawn! That was so nice of her. The snow plow guy who also does our lawn stopped by with some tall flags to mark our driveway ( we're expecting a lot of snow) he told her he wasn't going to get to the leaves so our neighbor decided to do them. I went out and got her a box of candy and a card. Stopped by so mum could sign it. And dropped off another book for her to Read.

I've gotten lax about getting to bed by midnight. It's been 2 am the last couple of nights. Having the tv all to myself I've started watching movies that go until late. I figure as long as I don't have to be anywhere in the morning it doesn't really matter.

Got 4 hours it sleep last night.

I see my pdoc tomorrow. I hope she doesn't stop the Mirapex.

Although I'm not sleeping well, I am feeling a little better. My thoughts aren't as negative as they were before and I think that's starting to help.

I'm not out of the woods yet. I feel not so good at the same time. Plus I've gotten into doing something that's not good for me (doesn't involve money) but which makes me feel better, strangely enough.

Hoping for some sleep and a good appointment.

Long day. Went to the nursing home three times today. The first she was out doing physical therapy, the second time there was 4 staff in her room. She's coming home Thursday. The third time I just popped in with a thank you card for her to sign and a therapist popped in for more pt.


Mum's neighbor did all the leaves on our lawn! That was so nice of her. The snow plow guy who also does our lawn stopped by with some tall flags to mark our driveway ( we're expecting a lot of snow) he told her he wasn't going to get to the leaves so our neighbor decided to do them. I went out and got her a box of candy and a card. Stopped by so mum could sign it. And dropped off another book for her to Read.


I've gotten lax about getting to bed by midnight. It's been 2 am the last couple of nights. Having the tv all to myself I've started watching movies that go until late. I figure as long as I don't have to be anywhere in the morning it doesn't really matter.

I hope your breathing clears up soon and no other flare ups happen. You need at least 3 months of good health, you deserve a break from this crap.

Yeah that’s pretty typical when someone goes to rehab to build up strength, PT is always cracking the wipe lol

Honestly enjoy having the tv to yourself , it is true if you don’t HAVE to be somewhere go to bed whenever!

Ahhh that’s a great neighbor. I honestly would freak out if we got a lot of snow here regularly.. They never do anything to roads I need to get back and forth on to town. One year we were forecasted to get 1-2 at most .. well it stalled right over our head and we got 13 inches. We were literally stuck at home for 7-8 days , which was fine we had no where to be.. even in town it took a couple days to clear out important roads LOL

13! That's a lot of snow for anyone much less a place that doesn't have the equipment to deal with it! I'm resigned to the fact we're getting significant snow but hoping its on the lower end of the forecast cause Friday/ Saturday it's supposed to snow a lot again. Oh, joy( said not at all joyfully) winter has arrived

I truly was hoping was another mild winter but our weather man out of Nashville posts lots of stuff on Facebook and always responds to people. He told me to go ahead and pull out the much warmer clothes this year, I was legit bummed