Bipolar Check-in #40

Finally went back to my part-time job after being off for weeks with pneumonia - feeling much better. I had a really physical day today with lots of steps - and I've lost 8 of the 12 pounds I gained on prednisone so I'm pretty happy. Bipolar seems in check. In fact, no one at my workplace (which is a hospital) knows anything about my diagnosis and i think most would be pretty shocked.

Welcome Captaineo! I see you are in Tokyo so I'm not sure what the process is for finding therapists there. I hope you will find this community friendly and understanding and not feel so alone in this

Hello Captaineo,
Welcome to the Bipolar check-in thread!

You've done a wonderful job of writing your post here.
I hope you will find the information and the support you may be seeking.

It may take some time to find a therapist.

Why not hang out here with us while you wait?
You won't be adding to anyone's pain. It's true many have been through painful experiences and many are currently expressing painful stories. There is some relief in expressing your pain, as well as in receiving support.

This is a support site and we will do the best we can do to offer you support!

I hope you're not in such a hurry that you cannot stay awhie as you figure out obtaining a therapist.

Please do make yourself at home here with us.

I hope to see you around!

Thanks. The feeling went away later in the evening. I hope it was gas cramps and nothing else, although I never had gas come out of either end. (lol.) I hadn't eaten much during the day, so I don't know if that contributed to the problem or not. But it's not a "new" symptom. I've had this occur random times over the course of the past 5-10 years.

I might be getting hypomanic, but I'm not 100% sure yet. My sleep dropped down to 6 hours a night for the past few nights and I don't feel tired. (Normally, I get 10-11 hours a night, so 6 hours for me is too little since it's approximately half of what I normally get. Even 7 hours a night is hypomanic territory for me.) I'm also feeling revved up a bit. Hyper. Racing thoughts. We'll see, though. I kept missing med doses, so maybe I'll go back to baseline once I'm more consistent. If I go manic, I'll end up with 2-4 hours a night, which would be awful because that's when I get paranoid delusions, etc..

I hope today is a good day and that I can get some work done. I've decided to burn all my PTO and take off Dec 6th through Jan 6th, so I'm trying to wrap things up at work. (I have to spend all my PTO hours by the end of Jan anyways, so I might as well just spend them now.)

I'm pretty excited for a whole month off of work. lol. I'm looking forward to the break!!

Hey Christina,

I use to look back at my old journals but not anymore I like to see how far I've come and where I was at when at my best/worst. Maybe it's not seen as a good thing from my counsellor's point of view but I need to have this in my life don't ask why I don't have an answer lol.

I don't think I have a safety plan? I have a crisis plan in case I need to be sectioned. Is that the same thing?

I had quite a traumatic weekend with triggers and thoughts (suicidal and other stuff), but today I am just trying to focus on christmas and the planning (this afternoon I am going to put up my tree, and use that as a distraction)

plus: I am listening to christmas music. anything to try not to think about stuff.

This is my first check-in so I hope I'm doing it right! I'm sorry in advance for this being so long, but I'm new here and I didn't know where else to post what my symptoms are like. (So if this post needs to be redirected to another thread, I understand!) Last night I didn't sleep at all. I turn off my computer and get ready for bed and then lie there thinking of all the cool things I want to look up on my pc and I think of new ideas and of all the things I want to buy to go along with the ideas, and then I get back on my computer and start the search! (Fortunately I never end up buying anything because I somehow always realize that my new plans wouldn't work out. Poverty also helps in that area!) This has been going on for a month, and I secretly like it a little because I "think" I'm thinking of cool things and think I have so much energy, but it's not normal. I like to feel calm and peaceful and live a very simple life with not much around me, but this is like a Broadway show for my brain! So the lights and glitter and endless possibilities keep me excited but wear me out. I wonder if Abilify is causing this. I've only been on it for about a month, slowly increasing my dosage to stop my daily internal seething rage and sometimes verbal rage attacks due to my paranoid thinking, that people(especially those that I care about) are deliberately trying to hurt me or show me that they don't care about me by their actions. Whenever I try to "catch them in the act", I find out that they weren't doing anything of the kind, but that my perception was off. It never enters my mind that people might be doing things for perfectly reasonable reasons, and aren't thinking of hurting me at all, or even thinking of me at all in the situation. At any time, about anything, all of a sudden, and throughout the day I see the simplest thing (a coaster touching my placemat) as a personal atttack deliberately done to upset me and show me that you don't care about me. And since I'm having such a hard time mentally these days, I get even angrier because I think they are kicking a dog (me) that's already down. Rage by day and shopping (or at least researching and browsing) by night. My Abilify was increased to 10mg/day yesterday, and if it doesn't start working for me by next week, my PA wants me to start on Lithium instead. I will embrace it with open arms because I read on this website under Home>Drugs>Lithium Carbonate the following: "Using this medication continuously may help to reduce the frequency of manic episodes. It also may decrease manic episode symptoms, including anxiousness, aggressive or hostile behaviors, feelings that others wish to harm you, exaggerated feelings of well-being, irritability, or rapid/loud speech." It sounds like just what I need! Sigh...I can't wait till I see my PA next week!!! P.S. On a lighter note, but not so funny at the time, the other day I really thought that the sun was deliberately not shining on me on purpose! I was furious and I took it personally! lol

I'm going to wait, no need to bother her. I tried explaining it last time as anxiety and with other stuff we raised the dosage

It's like my body is on high alert with nervous energy, like something bad is going to happen all the time. Like I'm going to have to run any second. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied or it gets worse. I'm not thinking anything is out to get me but my body seems to be.

Oh a month vacation sounds Amazing !!

Yes defiantly gets back on your meds regularly that should get your sleep back to what’s normal for you.

While you have that amount of time off how will you structure some time each day so you don’t spend too much time in bed and not fully isolate ?? Maybe jot down some ideas ??

Welcome to PC ! Just jump in and I’m sure you will find support and lots of helpful advice

My safety plan is rather long ...it’s really starts off when I have had say a rough 5/6 days in a row , no sleep , increased pain. It’s about hurdles.

For me it’s I must talk to certain people, but it has to be in order ( another hurdle) if I need to say call my daughter but she’s busy at work or involved in stuff and can’t talk well then I just have to wait, it could be hours or the next day until I can , ( more time to do rational thinking) then it’s time to talk to B then C... D is texting as she lives in Cape Town South Africa plus different time zones, so it’s often a wait ...also there is a step I drive to my T’s office and just sit in the car and look at the damn building, it does bring me some comfort , Ive been going there over 8 years , my T now only working 3 days a week so if I’m a mess on Thursday I gotta make it til Monday , so again more time to gather up rational thought. I absolutely refuse to call his cell, I am his only client that has his number actually..well once , I did have to call it while he was out of the office for 5 weeks due to surgery and I was in a real bad place.

The goal is to put as many hurdles in place between you and making a terrible choice.

Catastrophic thinking is something everyone needs to really pay attention too... last week I came here and made a post. Was very frantic ! But with in a little over a day I forced myself to basically turn on logic and common sense reasoning and re read my post I can’t tell you how many times.

It’s was truly just catastrophic thinking. Black and white only.

Personally right now I have to keep a close eye on that as I’m struggling with numerous health problems

So maybe write up a safety plan for yourself.. the longer the better.

Oh yeah I also have to drive to a local park. There’s a lake and lots of Ducks ,I often go there to just think and feed those greedy monsters

Hurdles !

Sounds like akathesia ... why not call and see if you can get cogentin ? It’s not a scheduled drug it’s used specifically for dealing with akathesia if will either help or it won’t.

Your waiting around until your appt will only increase the misery if it is indeed that ... cogentin might fix you right up.

It’s worth making a phone call at least

Well, after that positive post I made yesterday, I gave up and got in bed. I guess that's where I go when I just can't do it anymore. Fell asleep at some point around 3ish and finally woke up at about 515--this morning. Some sort of bizarre miracle, since I normally can't sleep.

Took all my meds almost 2 hours ago and still just wiped out. Usually, the Provigil and the Wellbutrin do a good job of waking me right up for the day. Oh well.

Thank you so very much Jennifer, Nammu, and WC for your kind words and support. I am so grateful. And to everyone who didn't post but who had positive thoughts or vibes--thanks so much to you.

And just to clarify a few things, since I'm kinda newish and since someone was wondering. I have childhood-onset BP 1, but it was not formally diagnosed until 2005 (massive manic/psychotic episode, kinda like last week). I don't think I am outting myself at this stage by just coming out and saying that, while I was a laser surgeon by training, most of my income came from designing surgical lasers for companies in the Bay Area and the UK. I lived on an airplane, mostly overseas, and I think this was a bad career choice for my bipolar stuff.

Anyhoo, I again became psychotic in June of 2007, when I believed I had to somehow get from my house on the river to the Alano Club, three miles uptown, in three minutes' time or a nuclear bomb would detonate. It was Friday rush hour. That drive is maybe twelve minutes in those conditions. When it became clear I wouldn't make it, I became despondent, having let down my city, and drove my SUV head-on into the Fremont Bridge abutment at 60 mph. Right before I struck the concrete, I had the single most spiritual experience of my life. Suddenly, everything but me just disappeared. The car interior, the street, cars, bridge--everything. Just--gone. All replaced by the most gorgeous, perfect, vivid, bright, white tunnel lined by these lights that were just flawless and wondrous. It was perfect. And I knew. My faith wasn't for nothing.

I have spent massive amounts of time in the hospital. Tons of med changes. After my car incident, the vast majority of my family excommunicated me, so that I only have contact now with my elderly dad, who is great, and my partner/non-partner/don't even know what we are anymore... and my wonderful 11 year-old daughter, Kensie.

So, that's way more than enough--sorry. Last thing is that ending my own life is not an option, even though I really want to do it sometimes. The reasons are spiritual/religious. My religion does not permit suicide. I guess that's a good thing, given how I feel about my life sometimes.

Okay zero sleeps last night (boo hiss)

I numerous things I can do around the house to occupy a lot of time. But will my husband agree to take down all the curtains so I can wash them again it’s only been 4-5 weeks since I did them last.

I have very poor balance so I can not trust myself on even the small step stool needed.

I just gotta say it : my lungs are junk! Just pure trash and if the giant hippo sitting on my chest would go away that would be just swell !

BirdDancer

I hope that your flight went well and you get to your hotel easily. Enjoy a nice walk on the beach

I really do miss Pelicans, not seagulls tho they are non stop eating machines like chickens. Eat and poop ! The end lol

I gently suggest you might want to start giving loving messages to your lungs?

If you called me those names, I would rebel against you, most likely!

I do understand that it is very tough to live with your breathing challenges.
I don't want to discount the pain associated with the current level of functioning of your lungs and/or your ongoing difficu;t experiences in each moment.

I truly admire you and your strength. I don't know if I could handle it.

I am concerned about your lungs and want to say:

Love"em up! Get them healthy again! :

I know you know I care.

Easy on time flight. Easy drive to the hotel. The sun is shining.

Hehe yes maybe they need some sweet talk !!!

Ok my beautiful lungs I hope you have a enjoyable day as I protect you from irritants and take the important medication to help you.

Let’s see how that goes !!!!!

Good thinking

I actually didn't have any panic attacks yesterday and none so far today as well. I'm so happy about that! It was getting really frustrating. Hoping the anxiety continues to improve.

The agency my case manager is with gets turkey baskets donated from churches to bring to people who struggle financially and need turkeys and all the stuff needed to make Thanksgiving dinner. They brought mine over today and I'm very excited! I'm definitely thankful for that.

Not a whole lot going on this week. I'm having coffee with my sister on the weekend at Denny's, really looking forward to that