Bipolar Check-in #40

I hate that you have such unbearable pain ok what do you do while waiting a month??! Certainly someone has to do something !!!! I worry about you have such unrelenting pain

Even with pain I know you will enjoy time with your Sister and her partner!!! Ehhh but will your Mom behave?? Oh I do hope so.

Gentle hugs

I’m sorry everything is turned upside down I’m pretty certain when you get back on your meds regularly things will settle back down.

Yes buying an actually alarm clock is a great idea

Meanwhile start using every coping skill you have.. keep posting I always find that helps with staying present while things are in an uproar.

Are you stocked up with food?? If not while getting your alarm clock get some food in the cart

@Tucson: I also struggle with simple stuff that should be easy. My floors are overdue for a sweep and mop. I paid $7K for beautiful new flooring just a few years ago and i can't even manage to keep it clean! I feel like such a loser. Laundry is piled up. At least my kitchen is clean. I'm also not active with my pet anymore. I take her to a dogpark and let her run loose. She's happy tho. I'm sliding into sleeping-in again also. One year it got so bad that i was going to bed at dawn and getting up at 4:00pm. It's too late at that time to do any business calls, the few that i need to do so it was a big bummer and everything just slid. All this to say: you're not alone.

I got in a vicious mood earlier, throwing things and wanting to smash things and finally fled to the mall where i had a nice time. The Christmas decorations are up and the garish Disney theme has been replaced this year with a cozy country Christmas theme, with burlap and rough-hewn fences. It's quite pretty. Had to laugh at the attempt at a virtual fireplace tho in Santa's castle: it keep flaking out and saying "loading, loading, loading." Sometimes technology is so lame!

I guess i just spent too many days in a row at home. My left hip socket hurts from the gentle elliptical workouts i did last week so i don't know what the future holds for that. I'm having trouble sitting down and getting up. I love workingout but i suffer so much after i'm not sure it's worth it. Maybe just wandering around the mall is all i can do. But the elliptical is so FUN!!! And i love our pretty gym here in the building . . . . ( @fern46: I know you're going to point out chair aerobics and i haven't forgotten, just want something to do in the gym. I am capable of solving my own problems, rest assured.)

Considered going to Overeaters Anonymous (OA) in the West end of the city tomorrow but have mostly abandoned that plan as it would be an hour on public transit each way and i'm not up to making a three hour commitment. If i still want to go later in the week there is a group on Friday that's easier to get to and just a $12 cab ride home if i can't face public transit after.

Feeling discouraged at the grim start to the day and doubt there's anything good to look forward to with Winter coming on and my depression just getting more intense.

I do not doubt your skills Sorry you're hurting!

Wildcoyote I am so sorry you are in such pain. A month is a long time to wait when feeling that way. Can you ask to get on a cancellation list and maybe be seen earlier?

Well today I got bloodwork done which was okay (I've gotten used to it). I have been very pre-event anxious about working the night shift tomorrow at my job since it is going to be soooo busy. Hoping not to get myself so worked up and overwhelmed tomorrow.

Hi! Thank you, yellow_fleurs!

I am on a cancellation list.
This is a medical school/teaching hospital/medical network. It is a huge mess.
My ortho's office used to be wonderful about everything and would extend their hours to make sure they had seen everyone.

The local medical school/teaching hospital/medical network forced them to sell to them and now it is a horrible mess.

An example: My mother has TWO torn rotator cuffs. She was in agony. She had to wait a month! When we had gotten to the appointment and were taken into an exam room, the nurse told us she was there for ONE shoulder. We said, no, TWO. They wanted her to wait another 30 days for an appointment for TWO shoulders!

Well, I was shocked and angry! My mom was in tears with pain. I gave the nurse a hard time about this. I told her this was entirely unacceptable!

Rather than waiting another 30 days, I dared them to look at only ONE shoulder when a patient presents with TWO injured shoulders! Go for it1 And... they' decided their strategy was not the best, for the patient and/or for their practice.

It turned out she has TWO torn rotator cuffs.

It's insane and patients must advocate for themselves in a big way.
I do not have a problem doing so. Insanity is my specialty.! When people need an advocate, they often ask me to go to an appointment with them. I have another side to me.

So, yes, I am on a waiting list . Good thing only ONE hip is injured!

Thanks for your support!

That IS insane, tell a patient they can only see one arm or wait to be seen with two! What are they teaching? Surely not good patient care.

so I took an ambien. I felt much better nervous energy wise until tonight.

I hate you have to wait so long. That’s ridiculous!

Only look at One injury at a time ??? That’s just beyond stupid. I’m glad you got them straightened out !

Oh I’m sure everyone is grateful you have no problem being proactive when it comes to getting appropriate care for yourself or others !

I also have no problem speaking up. Nobody scares me. lol

Sorry I've just been lurking. There's a lot going on that I haven't wanted to talk about. Someone who is essentially part of my family has been diagnosed with cancer and just started chemo. I've been helping out when I can and my schedule is off. I'm also getting to some other changes in my life and I just haven't felt like talking about any of it. But I'm still here, just not posting much. I feel guilty for not posting and supporting anyone which makes me not post more.

But I'm still here and I'll be back to my usual posting eventually. I'm just overwhelmed right now.

Saw my pdoc this morning. Been ok - just a little on the flat ‘can’t be bothered with anything’ side. Have had my Saphris slightly increased.
I told my pdoc that I felt my bipolar was ok and how bad my anxiety has been. Pdoc has told me to take Valium for next 10 days in an effort to break anxiety’s grip. My agoraphobia is awful.

Take good care of you while helping others

Somethings wrong but I can’t figure out exactly what. I definitely have full blown PTSD, but I’m wondering if something is wrong with my mood. Can you be suicidal without being depressed? My mood is flat, but I still can smile at things. I have lost my joy though. The sense of panic is still with me. I’m irritable too. Meds help, but I can’t be doped up all the time. I feel so overwhelmed and isolated. Not good for this time of year.

Today I see my T. Hopefully he can make sense of my symptoms. I’m worried I’m going to snap. My heads in a spin, and I’m so confused. At least I have a few social events on in the next week. Being alone too much makes my mind go weird.

Sorry I’m rambling. It’s difficult getting my thoughts together. I don’t even know why I bother posting. You guys are great. It just makes me feel more alone for some reason.

Hopefully 10 days on Valium will break it

Most of my suicidal thinking is when I’m mixed or very muted/flat.

It does appear that your Bipolar is reaching out to slap you. This isn’t just PTSD

Hope your T can help you

Posting here makes you feel more alone ?

I am usually suicidal without being depressed. So yes I believe it’s possible.

Oh! There you are! Last night, I had decided I'd come looking for you. You beat me to it!

So glad to hear you are okay!

Let me know if i can help in any way.
Please take great care!

You have talked numerous times about having an out of place unreasonable reactions to situations , the hockey game most recent. Today a “ vicious” mood.. did anything trigger it??

About the elliptical... what your feeling is normal, it takes your body sometime to adjust, keep up the great work

What kind of dog do you have ?? I’ve been meaning to ask..I have 2 ..one someone threw out there window driving down the road and one from a kill shelter. I love my boys

Posting does make me feel more alone. I don’t know why. Probably my distorted thinking. Also the details of all the trauma flashing through my mind, including not being rescued as a child, make me feel alone in a crowd.

Thanks for your reply. I’m scared of the thought that Bipolar is back. I don’t feel strong enough to handle it.

Ahh the stay up late energy vs and low energy morning well I can certainly yap about that lol

I have always even as a child just truly feel better as a night owl it’s dark, quiet, peaceful. It’s my favorite time. I always feel the most energy then, I have no problems cleaning house doing laundry or pre cooking meals to freeze for another time at 3 am ! My husband doesn’t mind.

But for decades I worked for Doctors and of course most days were 7am starts. I did it , I didn’t like it at all , but it was necessary to pay my bills and raise my daughter.

The weekend would arrive I’d stay up til almost dawn before falling asleep , my daughter about age 6-7 started staying up late on the weekends with me , like me she would get up all week early for school because she had too , as she grew older she was more and more like me , super night owls we were! It didn’t hurt anything. Age 19 she was diagnosed BP so .... she now works a job 6am-3pm M-F lol .. Friday night she’s awake enjoying the quiet.

If I HAVE to get up and moving I can. Numerous Doctors I have are 1.5 hours North and I’ll have a 730-800am appt so I can do it , I just don’t like it.

Sleep hygiene is important for Bipolar. Yes studies show set bedtime and wake times help with stability

My T and I have spent a lot of time on this topic. Since I truly feel better at night I enjoy it... I’m not going to make myself go lay in bed at stare at the wall for hours because it’s 10-11 pm and it be an “acceptable “ bedtime.

On average I’ll be in bed reading 2-3 am maybe I’ll dose off 5 or 6 ( if I’m lucky) I might sleep for a few hours but I do not get out of bed until “””””I feel like it “””” or my Dogs need to go out or maybe no sleep at all, my chronic insomnia plays a part.

Yes ! one Manic episode you get the nifty number 1 for life, I call it my gold star lol

ADD? Do you think trying treatment for that will help you improve your quality of life ?? Do you feel bad about yourself because you don’t have energy ? Do you think it’s “ wrong” to stay up late ? As a child my Mom would explode if she caught me reading in the middle of the night. I just got smarter at not letting her catch me. But she really made me feel ashamed. So terrible my mother was at times.

All those “ easy things” you need to do ? ... maybe try doing them at night when you do have energy???

Not everyone is meant to punch that 9-5 get up early kinda life, I know I’m not and I’m perfectly okay with if , I have no problem enjoying of the middle of the night calm !

Huge hugs my friend

Hee hee I could have written that post Christina! I loved my job at the school for the blind cause I started in the afternoon and worked to 11pm or 12am. I got to miss the rush hours and if I had to I could get up early for appointments

I think I read that you are a wait list for a sooner appointment. goo!

I hope you enjoy your family. ask for help allow them to feel useful.
((((((HUGS)))))))
bizi

Update. Saw my T. He sees severe PTSD only at play. No Bipolar as no moods evident. However he is concerned I might go into psychosis due to my weird thoughts etc. We talked, and he offered suggestions on things. It was helpful. I see my pdoc in a week, but if I get worse my T wants me to contact my pdoc immediately. I’m not psychotic now, and doubt it will go that far, but how can I know it’s about to happen? I’m so confused.

It's 1:30am and I'm awake....

I checked my phone for messages and see one about a lifetime friend of my sister and, by extension, a lifetime friend of mine too - that she had passed away last night.

My sister and she used to have such fun laughing and giggling....they would always get in trouble for their hilarious laughter. Even as adults they constantly made each other laugh.

Our friend had a kidney transplant 28 years ago and always had difficulty with the anti-rejection meds. She struggled quite a bit but she was always smiling and had nice words to say whenever we met.

I last saw her this past summer in the hospital when she was first admitted for cancer treatment. She had survived this cancer years before but it came back. We chatted about the past, my sister, and all the things we did together. I'm glad I saw her then.

She will be missed. But she is with my sister now, I hope they cross paths, wherever they are.