Went Nuts Yesterday & So On

So some kind of episode has been escalating, I was way out there on Thursday. Friday came and paranoia got bad. I had started out depressed, then got manic and so on. Mixed state was what it eventually came to be, I think. Called Dr. W., who was, thankfully, in one of her chipper moods. She increased Lamictal to 400mg, increased Zyprexa to 10mg. I slept hard and awoke feeling fairly calmer, thoughts more cohesive.

But this is the thing. Since yesterday there seems to be a man standing about 3 feet in back of me. He's tall with short, dark hair. Absolutely no one I recognize. Last night I kept looking back. Nothing. But then as soon as I turned around, there he was again, right behind me.

He's still there now. Standing there and staring straight ahead. It's creepy, yes, but it's annoying. I'm flat broke today, so no where to go to distract my mind and damned gas is at 4$ per gallon. Anyway, he'll just follow me wherever I go.

Has anyone had an experience like this? If so, what did you do?

I've never experienced this, but I am wondering what would happen if you used a mirror to look behind you when you sense his presence. Or maybe better yet, hold your phone up and take a video when he is there. That might help you rationalize that it is just a hallucination. I'd definitely call Dr. W back if this is still going on by Monday.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must feel scary and you seem to be coping fairly well. I'm a bit glad you aren't on the go. Driving around might not be the best call if you feel like you have an unwanted passenger in the back seat. Don't forget to use your coping skills to distract yourself and keep posting if it helps. Much love to you Beth!

Thank you, fern The mirror is a really good idea. Honestly, I was awfully creeped out last night. Had to sleep with my back against the wall. I admit it's still a bit creepy, but mostly annoying at this point. Like my mind is stuck on this useless hallucination, but I would really like to think of something else.

I have an appt. with Dr. W. on Tuesday...I'm hoping that by tomorrow the increased med dosages will start to kick in.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I have been really psychotic over the past 10 days or so and last night, after I got in bed, I suddenly was seized by the idea that someone with a knife was right outside my bedroom, coming for me. I sleep on my side. Had to get on my back so I could protect myself when this 'guy' came into my room. Cannot fall asleep on my back. Hyperventilating, terrified. Blah. You know.

So, I'm sorry. I never know what to do. I already take all my meds and we just changed them. All I can do is pray and breathe. I do that a lot. Sometimes I feel like that and PC are all I have. Prayer, breathing, and you guys. Thanks to all of you!!! I'm still alive.

I hope this crap stops soon for you, Beth. I really, really feel for you. Sending you positive vibes and prayers and safety.

bpcyclist, Thank you so much. I'm sorry you had to cope with that fear last night. We were in the same boat.The "man" has been around more and more, started about a month ago. I know it's ridiculous, yet there's that part of me that thinks maybe....or what if...

I'm going try to watch a movie tonight; at least it will distract me for a while. And yes, PC is a 27/7 support group. Pretty amazing!

I hope you have contentment tonight.

Ok this !

My head is pretty loud. But when I’m struggling it’s like there is a mob of people behind me, I “ see”’them as all wearing black and heads down and they mumble. If things continue down the rabbit hole they get louder and I hear them telling me to do things, scared things. The mob is still there but one of them becomes like the ring leader , it looks neither make or female, Just trying to tower over me ? I sense a pressure from behind.. I have always been able to self ground my way through it.. I just question everything about it.

I honestly no longer fear it. It’s a big annoyance.

It’s like a cartoon meme I found years ago it shows in one pic a cartoon girl looking at depression coming at her and she’s freaking out , the next pic the girl is drawing something and the depression is coming up behind her and she says “ hey buddy “

Lots of self grounding and question every bit of it , over and over.

GREAT cartoon meme!! Wow, thanks for that.

Wise advice, Christina. Every bit of it.

Not to muddy the waters, but psychosis for me felt like my subconscious flipped inside out. My brain was in a dream like state and functioning as though my conscious mind was not in charge even though I was awake. I was watching myself through part of it and each action was made immediately without rational thought.

I experienced what you might call archetypal experiences and my worst fears came forward. Also, things I was confused about spiritually were a theme as well. Additionally, repressed rage from abuse and trauma I experienced as well as my anger over abuse others had suffered came forward.

I'm going somewhere relevant with this, I promise I started to wonder if psychosis at least for some people could be assisted if we could better understand why it presents the way it does and then do some sort of psychotherapy to lessen the effects. So I did a little research to see if my hunch that what my husband and I were 'watching' the night of my episode was my subconscious mind on display. There is some weight to it actually. I found several studies and this article mentions it as well. Normalcy, Neurosis and Psychosis (Part 2) : What is Psychosis and is it Predictable? | Psychology Today

Now the part that is relevant to this thread... Several of us have experienced the 'man or person behind us' hallucination or similarly the hallucination that we are being watched. I am wondering if this is a symbolic representation of something seeded in the unconscious due to trauma or other negative experiences. I'm thinking maybe it holds significance the way certain experiences do in dreams. I have zero dream interpretation expertise, but I'm curious. My therapist is pretty good with it, so maybe I'll get a chance to ask her when I see her tomorrow.

I am sure there are multiple interpretations, but I found this:
To dream of being watched means that you are feeling under the microscope, as though all of your actions are being recorded. This may indicate that you feel confined in your work environment or personal relationship. You are lacking privacy and feel you are being scrutinized or criticized.

Many of us here can certainly feel like all of our privacy has been stripped away. We are constantly being scrutinized and analyzed by our treatment teams and our friends and families. We are even analyzing and scrutinizing ourselves like I'm doing now.

Just something I was pondering this morning. I'm curious if that resonates at all. Of course ignore it if not

Hi fern, I read the article. I'm trying to understand your post, so forgive me if I'm misunderstanding what you're suggesting.

I think you're asserting that hallucinations are a projection of subconscious material...the result of trauma, or that hallucinations can be attributed to feeling intruded upon?

I can relate to the trauma aspect, because I was abused as a child to the point at which I was removed from my home for some time (I was returned eventually, but the level of abuse stayed the same...it was the 70's).

I have some voices that I have no doubt are the result of trauma. To me those sounds "feel" different than the hallucination I've described in this post.

The "privacy" issue...as far as I know it doesn't apply to me. I don't consciously feel that anyone is intruding my space.

If I'm understanding correctly I'd say yes, that the Jungian model is certainly a possibility. My therapist and psychiatrist have addressed that to some extent.

My husband believes that the so-called "hallucinations" are actually beings that exist on another plane and that I'm picking up on their energy because I'm hyper-sensitive (i.e., "psychic"). He doesn't agree with me about taking medication. I get what my husband is saying, but it's immensely stressful to me when my sense of reality is already intensely wavering.

And then there's the possibility that hallucinations are the result of unusual brain activity.

All of the above are possibilities, and of course there are more reasons for hallucinations than we can even imagine.

With regard to the man behind me, to clarify, he's not actually watching me. He just stands there are stares straight ahead. He doesn't remind me of anyone I conscious remember or know now. I don't know why he suddenly popped up.

Mostly, his existence causes stress for me. Honestly, why he exists is not as important to me as making him go away. I'm immensely relieved this morning because the increases in meds have caused the hallucination to weaken enough so that I have hope that after tonight's doses, by tomorrow I'll have peace in my unquiet mind.

When an anti-psychotic has the effect of removing a hallucination I generally believe that it is biologically based. But then, I tend to go with the biological model. In general, I believe that my brain is wired a certain way (and that wiring was exacerbated by trauma and stress), and that medication can intervene with stressful information. That, for me, is the path of least resistance and the most effective way to decrease stress, which is something I definitely need to do in my life.

I think you get what I was fumbling around to say. I also think all of the possibilities for hallucinations you mention are plausible.

I used to dabble in some of the theories your husband has raised. I understand why he would go there. However, in my experience going down those paths further loosened my grip on reality like you mentioned. I'm not saying he's wrong, I'm just suggesting I've gone down both paths and that one is much less preferable to me at least. To each his own for sure. This is all such an individual and unique experience

There was a doctor who heard voices. She started working with them as though they were messages from her subconscious. It helped her to address them and get rid of them. I'll have to try and remember her name.

Making the man go away is of the utmost importance. I agree completely. My mind is analytical and I'm used to tackling problems a certain way. It is my style to first break it down and look for patterns and a possible root cause. So in this case you may be less concerned with why the man appears, but in my mind knowing why he appears is potentially key we need to solve for how to make him go away.

Otherwise, you're just treating symptoms hoping it works. This seems to be why meds are only partially effective. We do not understand the root cause of various mental issues and therefore we have yet to develop effective strategies to fully solve it.

Thanks for explaining how he's not really watching and more of an uncomfortable unwelcome presence. That is different. You're a sport for considering all of these possibilities. I always like talking with you!

Thank you, fern.

There's a ton of info online about the possible connection between spirituality and psychosis (as you probably know).

Years ago I attended a lecture by Stan Grof (author of the book Spiritual Emergency). It's fascinating stuff for those who are stable enough to delve into the potentials and possibilities (and wealthy enough to hire an "emergence coach").

I certainly understand how interesting it all can be. Sometimes it's frustrating to me, however, when even a pdoc or therapist suggests that since I "seem" so calm when I describe psychotic experiences, that perhaps I'm channeling beings or etc. And growing up/living in Northern Calif, well, there is no shortage of people who go for all sorts of alternative ways of looking at mental illness (and plenty making big bucks by giving mental illness some other label).

But I'm not calm, inside. I'm actually coming apart inside. I think I dissociate, so it appears as calmness.

Anyway, whether I'm channeling who or what-ever, I don't want it. It holds zero interest for me and I resent that some astral being might want to use me as a conductor. Part of the reason is that I know a so-called "being" can rapidly becoming truly threatening, saying things to me that cause me to be so terrified and upset that I really do start to lose objectivity. That's why I tend to go with "hallucination that is brain-based."

I completely understand. It must feel like a total violation. FWIW, I think it is helpful for you to set a clear intent that you do not want to participate in any of that just as you have done here. I'd make a mantra out of it and repeat it daily or maybe more often.

I'd be freaking out too. I know it probably doesn't help, but I can completely appreciate why you'd dissociate.

My only other thoughts would be to spend as much time and effort as you can in there here and now. The more and more you ground into your reality here perhaps the harder it will be for you to be pulled in another direction. Lots of grounding techniques. Lots of connecting to the present moment, time spent in nature, etc. No time spent watching shows or reading about the supernatural or esoteric spiritual worlds. Just focused on what you can put your hands on here on this Earth.

You may already be doing this. I deployed these sorts of techniques after my experience.

Thank you so much for the reminder. My therapist keeps working on mindfulness/here and now. I am good at practicing it when I'm okay, then tend to forget when I'm not okay. So thanks, fern

Are you feeling better today ??

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Are you feeling better today ??

Aw, thank you so much for asking. Zyprexa dose raised, staring man gone so far. I mean, I can remember him, but he's not here at this point.

How are you these days?

Glad your doing better. I’m hanging in there

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving