Bipolar check-in #42

I'm obviously not a professional writer by any means, but I think the way you write now is the best way to write -- that is, free write, then go back to edit. I use that approach whenever I have to write blog articles for my company or write up documentation. I just do a massive brain dump, rearrange things in an "ideal" fashion, then go back to polish the grammar, etc.. It's way easier to organize your thoughts when they're all written out. It's VERY difficult to organize things when half of your thoughts are in your head and the other half are on paper, or so to speak. Sometimes being methodical is inhibitive.

I'm debating on what I should do with my medication cocktail. On one hand, I can't stand the akathisia/restlessness from my AP and thus want to stop taking it, but on the other hand, my AP has helped me so much mentally. So, do I find a side effect med to deal with the akathisia/restlessness/whathaveyou, or do I just try a new med altogether (likely Vraylar since my pdoc keeps mentioning it to me)? I'm thinking that the "healthier" thing to do is go with Vraylar. I don't want to add another med to my cocktail JUST so I can take rexulti. Yet, my pdoc may not like that idea or I may have to go back onto Rexulti, so I'm looking into akathisia/RLS meds.

Went for a short ride after getting home and eating lunch. As soon as I got home from the ride (and showered) I got to work on my piece of art. It's more than just painting because it's heavily textured with resin sand and high body acrylic base. I'm a little disappointed with it right now because in mixing two pigments I ran out of the darker so much of the image is lighter than I intended. Nevertheless, I feel better than I have for days.

At least the headache went away. N3 is at church choir practice. Nice for him- he likes it. I used to- before I lost my singing voice. Well mostly. Tomorrow is bill-paying day so I'll be distracted at least for a little while.

Well, another end to another workday. I still have my job, So far. I am listening to Kitaro to relax, My dog is laying down at my feet on the sofa, chewing on her bone that I have purchased for her. I took my meds after work, so I did poorly getting through the day. I made some significant mistakes today. One shopper bolted outdoors with a new TV without paying for it. I am trying my best. The only training was to watch another person doing the job. I find there is much more to it than the obvious, including their computer problems. And the instances of some of these situations do not necessarily come when there is another person there to consult. My first check cones in a week.

I go to work later in the day tomorrow. So I will practice my piano. I am so behind in that. I also am waiting for a friend to come through for me with a much better (read: higher paying) job. I have been waiting closing in on two years for this. So I am not holding my breath here. I think I will go running with my dog tomorrow. I have been run down lately, so I will make sure I get some good sleep tonight.

Cogentin(benztropine) has helped me a lot with akathisia in the past.

Oof could not sit still or focus at all today during work. Hoping I can get it together tonight for this outside of work project. I pretty much admitted to my coworker I was having trouble sitting still and hoped I was not too annoying (we share an office). I also caught myself trying to pick at my face and had to keep stopping myself. Had to go on multiple strolls outside around the office building. You get the idea. Also felt so irritable from trying to sit still. Not sure if I would have been irritable if I had been able to move around more or if I was just irritable in general. Anyways, otherwise I am doing fine. I got a kombucha and some chocolate to enjoy while working tonight. Oh, I saw that the referral popped up in my patient portal for both specialists and I am honestly so excited at this prospect of really getting some help with my symptoms. But, I am stuck in my head ruminating on past events and thinking I might not be a good person, which makes me almost feel undeserving of the help. Why are brains so complicated? Haha

I'm low today. Overslept again and just watched tv all afternoon. Managed to wash dishes and clean a little in the kitchen, but I've been back on the couch since that. :/ Make matters worse, husband's tip for the day on his health tracker thingy, was to get no more than 7to9 hours of sleep or you'll get unfixable heart disease and overweight and something else. I dunno. Like I don't already know this is unhealthy!

Guess I'm also super bummed that nearly everyone, if not everyone I know is going to my favorite band's concerts and I'm not because of my health issues.

I am sorry, I know how this can be really hard. I've been in that situation, unable to join something due to health issues and it just hurts and feels unfair.

Pretty sh_tty night's sleep. I wish I could go back to bed and sleep until noon, but that's not happening. So many thoughts but none of them really worth posting.

I’ve observed that when my depression goes down, my anxiety goes up. Does anybody notice the same?

I’ve signed up and paid for a meet up tonight. I’m highly anxious and regretting it. Overactive amygdalas are the pits.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Thank you , whatever. I really appreciate that. I had a good day yesterday. So grateful for that and for you guys!!!!

I don't have a Kindle--would love one. But I have always loved physical books, since I was a child. I take them everywhere with me. This is part of why having been manic and psychotic in recent months has been so hard on me. I can't really read when I have those symptoms. I am too all over the place. Did a little reading yesterday. It was really nice.

If you like the way your stories are told verbally, why not try to write like you speak, instead of trying to write like you write?

I am sorry. My threat assessment system is so messed up, I have no idea how it works. Or why. I just know I am scared all the time. Mostly of myself.

Yeah, I can't concentrate well when I'm symptomatic, either. Like you, I'm all over the place and my thoughts just race like crazy, and those racing thoughts detract from my focus/concentration.

That said, have you tried reading a book while listening to its audiobook? BeyondtheRainbow and a few others here recommended that approach to me and it surprisingly helps a lot with keeping my focus. The narrator's voice kinda takes over my mind and keeps the racing thoughts at bay.

There are plenty of audiobooks on YouTube or even from your local library system. I use Audible because I like to have all of my audiobooks in one place and I get discounts.

I am certainly going to have a good day today, I insist!

However, I am looking forward to the weekend so I can have a more relaxed schedule!

I hope everyone has a great weekend, full of whatever you need most!

Today just sucks. I'm at the library so I don't do anything rash at home. , now just hyper. I'm tempted to call my pdoc and ask to start a real mood stabilizer or up my Risperdal dose. I'd have to go home for that because I don't have her extension and I am not ready to go.

Hugs, spikes. It sounds like you have a good plan for safety. I hope something in the library lifts your mood.

Wild Coyote, you go girl! Have a blast, trip the light fantastic, sing a happy song! May some of the world's beauty and fun wrap its arms around you, and all of us, too.

bluebicycle and bpcyclist, thanks so much for your encouragement and advice/suggestions! I appreciate it very much!

You're welcome, BirdDancer.

Anyway, yesterday, I left a voicemail for my pdoc -- well, for his assistant -- asking what to do about possible akathisia/RLS. No response back yet. I was hoping I could snag an appointment today if he had any openings, but it looks like that is going to be a no since I have yet to get a response. Bummer. Monday and Tuesday won't work for me because I have to do guitar lessons and work. I cannot afford to mess up at work since these important dates had been determined well in advance. So, it'll have to be Wed, Thurs, or Fri next week. This sucks.

If your current AP is very effective, and you like it, have you considered just seeing if it remains so with a dosage decrease? Sometimes akathisia lets up in those cases. If it is no, no, and/or no, then maybe a new medication is the ticket, but obviously there's the mystery of how you'll react to a new medication.

There was a point when I was taking my current mix, plus 160 mg Geodon (a high dose), though my Seroquel XR dose was lower. The Geodon gave me nasty akathisia and was not powerful enough to curb my mania alone...thus the Seroquel XR. As my Geodon dose was decreased, my akathisia unfortunately remained. My Seroquel XR dose had to be increased during that time, because the decrease in Geodon did remove mania fighting power. [So Geodon wasn't totally useless.] However, when the Geodon was gone, my akathisia did stop. Whew! However, my Seroquel XR dose was up, up, up. That was OK since the higher dose Seroquel XR was sufficiently effective. Plus, that reduced my cocktail by one medication.I was also able to be weaned off Ativan as a daily medication. Now Ativan is just a prn, which I rarely take. So, it was really two medications chopped off my cocktail.

I'm on 4mg of Rexulti right now. The next step down is 3mg. The problem is that I had psychosis nonstop at 3mg, which is why we moved up to 4mg. So I think this is an all or nothing med, unfortunately -- that is, either take 4mg with something like cogentin, or take a different AP.

My pdoc will probably suggest Vraylar again, and I may take him up on it. I mean, I would rather switch out a med than add an extra one (Cogentin, propranolol, etc.), if that makes sense. But I'm still looking up info on akathisia/RLS meds in case my pdoc wants me to stay on Rexulti.

But anyway, this akathisia/restlessness/whatever is making me less productive with work because I'm pacing around half the time (literally) and focusing on pacing to alleviate the discomfort. It's quite bothersome.

3 days after adding Risperidone .5mg.
(Other meds: Lithium, Lamictal, Zoloft, Xanax)

• I was sluggish again this morning.
  
• I find myself staring into nothing from time to time. Probably with a lost, dopey look on my face.
• I'm still having times with racing thoughts, and some odd behavior.
  
• Irritability practically gone, though.
• I haven't been up until the wee hours of the morning doing odd projects.
• No audio hallucinations since I started it (that actually started to let up when we upped my Lithium dose).
• Overall, I feel pretty good.

The experiment continues.