Bipolar check-in #42

I got up at 5 this morning and drove n3 to work. Then I went home and slept two hours whereupon I got up and called in to cancel a doctor's appointment. Stupid I know but i just rescheduled. I couldn't face seeing him this morning. After I called, I went back to sleep. Does any of this sound like depression? I'm just lost. I went to starbucks for a couple hours this afternoon and read the book I got yesterday. I'm halfway done with it and its only been 24 hours! I can't stop thinking about the fact that we're going to have to move. I desperately need money saved to do that- for security deposit and first month's rent, etc. Ive been talking with C a lot lately. We were talking about going out to dinner for Valentines day- at least I *think* we were! He said he might call or text me tonight but I bet he doesn't. *sigh*

Feeling low today. Not terribly low, just blah. It’s probably just the stress I’ve been under with my cat and finances. Plus winter blues. It usually pops up around this time. I didn’t eat much today. A mini muffin and two clementines for breakfast, two mini muffins for lunch, and then I force fed myself some spaghetti for dinner. The beef that I used may have been sketchy so I’m hoping none of us get food poisoning.

My cat seems to be ok. He came to greet me today when I got home and followed me around for awhile. He seemed like he was in pain again so I gave him more pain meds. He’s conked out on the couch.

Sigh. I hope I start to get my appetite back soon. I don’t like being hungry all the time but not wanting to eat anything.

I have ECT tomorrow. I'm not sure what to say to my doc about quitting. I think I'll not say anything at all. The other topic of discussion will be my waking up unable to move, breathe, talk. I want some answers but I don't want to put her on the defensive. I'm curious not vindictive.

Yes I'd say that this is important- moving, breathing and talking! Definitely tell her about this!

Still waiting for my tegretol results.... I had blood work drawn on friday....
sigh
Not as hypo so that is good...not as paranoid either.

bizi

Spending my days trying to figure out college for my son and life .

Can't sleep. Went to bed too early. Listening nw to music with a violin playing. Maybe asleep soon. I just checked the outside temperature to be 28 degrees F, below freezing. I have do not have my space heater on, so it is getting pretty cold inside my home. I hope my plumbing does not break.

Rough night. Feeling "up" right now. Like I had like 5 large cold brewed coffees. The weather sucks and I have to drive in it to get to my NP appt I don't understand why she can't just call me and send over a prescription or something. I haven't been stable for weeks! I want to take an Ativan right now because it works pretty well on making me "come down" for a few hours, but I do want to be as alert as possible when driving in this sh(t.

I think I am going to ask for a higher dose of propranolol because it hasn't been working so well for me lately. I have been feeling restless and revved up. I am not manic, though. I am getting 10+ hours a night (which is a "normal" amount of sleep for me). In fact, I could go for a nice nap right about now...

Anyway, I have A LOT to do today work wise. I am overwhelmed already and I haven't even started! Ughhh. At least the weekend is coming up soon. But I can’t even go outside for a break because of all the snow and ice on the ground, and the frigid temps.

Welp, as soon as I walked in my NP's office she was like "so you're in a manic phase?" I didn't even say anything, she could just tell. Put me on Risperdal oral for a bit and increased the dose of my shot, which I don't get until next week. When I got home I took an ativan and the risperdal I hope I calm down soon. Gotta go shovel now

some people look like what I call "lit!"
Their eyes tell a lot!

I am glad you saw her and she was able to help out!
We have quite a bit of snow here, too!

Sounds interesting, Blue.

Do you think you would need to move back home to do this?

My sister had gotten enough in student grants/loans to be able to live on her own through college and beyond. However, in the end, she had super high loans to repay.

I hope you will look into this and will give it all thought!
It sounds like it excites you, which is important!
Much Love

Nah, I'm fine financially. I paid off my $120k loans within 2 years of graduating. I had made some money during grad school (research stipends) and grad school was free, so I basically made a profit on grad school. That gave me a step up.

If anything, I'd ask for my workplace to pay for the courses. I know they offer financial coverage for certain types of courses, so long you get a C or higher. But they basically say that you'll only get like 50% coverage for a C, 75% for a B, and 100% for an A. That's how they encourage you to perform well in courses they're paying for, and I think that's perfectly fair from their perspective. No sense in paying for a course if someone doesn't care IMO.

In other news, my work wants to promote me to the senior level. Hmm... I still kinda want to change jobs, but I may stick things out a bit if I get that promotion because then it's easier for me to seek jobs. After all, I'll have to start from scratch again and have to work my way up to a promotion. But if promotions are happening soon (I think they happen in July...?), then I might as well stick it out IMO.

Hubby is home today because he has a GP appointment. His foot has been swollen and in pain for days now. He blames the blood pressure pill they gave him a while back, so he stopped taking it three days ago. His foot looks slightly better, but now a hand hurts. I hope they trial him on a new blood pressure medication. It went from severely high to perfect on this recent one.

My sister called me to simply say hello, but I started a rant about our dad. I felt a little bad in the end, but both siblings agree with me 100%. I asked Sis to go out to lunch sometime soon where we'll promise not to say a word about Dad.

On a lighter side, my sock drawer again has about 100 socks, all with no matches. I must empty my dirty clothes basket and clean the stuff. Usually I only wash the top contents. Even if all is clean, probably only 50 will find their mates. Where the other 50 lonely souls are is a mystery. I once wrote a funny poetic story about this in my blog. Are they somewhere in a different world, with a favorite black jacket and several other lost items? If so, I hope it's a fun and happening place! In the meantime, I have sometimes resorted to wearing mismatches. It's OK with me.

Hello all! Checking in.

I’ve had a nice week. I went out to eat with family Monday, to the movies Tuesday and to a tea house with my bible study group Wednesday. I’m going to see my daughter Sunday. I haven’t seen her since Christmas so I’m excited about that. We’ve tried a few times and it hasn’t worked out.

I’ve scheduled my retest for next Wednesday. Feeling much better about it thanks to two kind posters.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night: thunderstorms, phone chirping, people and pet noise, phone ringing, flash flood alert (oh how I wish it was snow instead)...a smorgasbord of the ridiculous. Thankfully, I’m alert and in a fairly good mood today.

I guess my NP was right. I needed to give the medication more time. Feeling better.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Case mgr helped me fill out the application to reapply for medicaid. Now I have to get two proofs and turn them in. She said it should be good for 5 years after this though.

Slept for quite awhile after about 2 AM or so. Doing okay, but that tooth is really, really hurting. It was so bad at one point last night , I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. 12/10, easily. Alleve isn't touching it. I am going to have to go see someone, but I cannot afford to do that. Maybe will look into the dental school or one of these supposedly more affordable options.

Got my labs back. My liver and kidney stuff is great. Hb A1C was fine. My total cholesterol and LDL were just slightly, barely elevated, which is weird, since I am basically a vegan. My HDL was quite high, which is quite good and protective, I guess maybe from all the biking? Not really sure. I have been on apsirin since I was 24 yers old, so, tbh, I am not worried about my heart in the least. But I do wonder if maybe we will need to add something for that total cholesterol to be lowered.

The litihum level was a tad lower than usual, but I don't think that matters--it is still therapeutic.

So, all in all, nothing in the labs speaks to all this recent mania and psychosis and stuff.

Gonna try to get out for a ride today, which will be very odd, as I never ride when it is light out. Wish me safety--it is much safer to ride in the middle of the night when there are no cars.

I hate anxiety!!!!! Got triggered by something last night and was up all hours of the night worrying about it, ruminating over it. Still not sure if this is bipolarish or just flat out anxiety. (again, my dx is general anxiety and unspecified bipolar). And then today I reacted over this and shared my thoughts with a few close folks on that site and also declared publicly that I'm taking a break...after logging out, I came to realize that I missed my anxiety med yesterday. *facepalms I also wanted to go back to sleep for another hour, but I was damn awake. Ugh! I might try to nod off now though. Not particularly confident in that though. I'll probably get too hungry or something. Sigh!

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling, Oliver. I don't know why "they" want you to die, but I, personally, do not want to see you die.

I hope you feel better after you wake up. Sometimes sleep can help us mentally reset. Please do tell someone about this in real life, though. In-person support is very important during times like these.

Sorry to hear that, giddykitty.

I have spent countless nights ruminating over things that have triggered my anxiety, and I know it is definitely not fun. It's horrible, in fact!

I'm glad you were able to pinpoint the possible cause of this feeling. I hope you feel better soon and can actively take steps to mitigate the risk of this happening in the future. Some things that come to mind are pillboxes or even pill fobs. Basically, make sure you're taking your meds from the pillbox (or fob) itself; this way, you can check if you've taken them or not. (I apologize if you're already using pillboxes, though. Just an initial thought that came to mind.)

Yeah, going to a dental school is not a bad option. I'm sure some of them even offer long-term payment plans. That's something to look into as well, as I know that teaching hospitals in general tend to be cheaper and offer payment plans if you ask up front.

As for the cholesterol -- mine is naturally high because it runs in the family and then meds like Seroquel and Latuda exacerbate it. Does high cholesterol run in your family? It could, of course, be med induced, though.

Good luck with the bike ride. I wish I could ride my bike here, but alas, the roads here are coated in a thick sheet of ice.

That's great news, Moose! I'm glad to hear your case manager helped you with the application.

Happy to hear that you're feeling good today, Jennifer. It's definitely frustrating when you have to give medication time to work, though. Nevertheless, what matters is that you're feeling good and things are going well for you.

My dad is on high blood pressure medication, and a lot of them he's tried have had weird side effects like that. I'm obviously not a doctor, but I wouldn't be surprised if the blood pressure medication is doing that to your husband.

Anyway, good luck with the socks! I only buy Hanes black ankle socks from Target, and Target hasn't changed things in years, which means my socks always match. I used to buy all sorts of socks, though, and I would end up with a bunch of them that didn't match. Drove me bonkers! The only downside is that the Hanes socks get holes in them quickly -- or at least they do for me because I pace a lot.