Bipolar check-in #43

10:17 AM

I can't believe I fell so far behind reading the posts in this thread. So many people I wish I could respond to. If I miss anyone, it wasn't deliberate.

Wildchildflower, I think it's awful the positions we are put in, financially. You hear the government head saying how marvelous the economy is, but for most of us that just isn't trickling down. I liked Christina's suggestion to look at things that can be eliminated, sold, or downgraded without much sacrifice. I've tried to be much more vigilant about using coupons, buying sales items at the grocery stores, and not wasting food. That has saved me a chunk already. We might be selling some stuff in the future.

xRavenx, I'm sorry you're so unwell as to need short-term disability, but it is better to give yourself a needed reprieve then to totally self-destruct.

bizi, my brother-in-law has the same issue with picking cuticles. His fingers are terribly wounded. I think a lot of us have such negative coping habits. Mine has mostly been teeth grinding and clenching. I do think the right therapy can be helpful, but it can take time.

Jennifer, that's scary that someone hacked into your Amazon Prime account. I worry about that stuff happening, too, since it is now more and more frequent. Have you changed your password? What did Amazon suggest to prevent further issues?

Christina, that is scary what has happened to your s-i-l and your m-i-l. It's good your hubby has the heads up on it. I hope that issue doesn't continue.

bpcyclist, I didn't compare the Heath Ledger Joker with Phoenix's at all. I saw them as totally different. I'm not quite sure what Phoenix's Joker dx was either, but didn't think it relevant. I saw mental illness as an allegory in the movie that was clearly making major political statements. I liked the movie a lot, and thought Phoenix did a marvelous job.

Feb 12, 2020, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by giddykitty

Really hate myself right now. I can't sleep because of crap weighing on my mind. I need to get this out. So many of you have suggested therapy/seeing a pdoc to me. Well, this is actually a hot button issue. You see, I've tried it and while I had someone to listen to me at a particularly difficult time in my life, I was ultimately paying someone to just listen to me talk. I could do that here and get better feedback! Second therapist was a little more extreme in the other manner. Talked about herself too much and spoke slowly too so it wasted my precious time. Third therapist (same clinic as first) was for DBT. Only went 4 sessions before we came to the conclusion that this wasn't helping me. First of all, the stuff was like common sense to me. I was already doing similar things from yoga meditation in the past as well as my hubby s logical advices (he may lack emotional empathy, but he's very logical which helps me think less "borderline" like). Anyway, oh and we also canceled because I couldn't do certain exercises for x, y, and z reasons.

Moving on to the pdoc. As I mentioned already (in my journal thread), I'd spend hours trying to set appointments, wait in the waiting room and only get like 10minutes of time to talk and we'd discuss the same b crap every time. Other than getti g my meds, it was not worth it. Waste of tons of time and money because I'd have to make an appointment for EVERY refill! My GP can do this over the phone.

So, while I don't value the thoughtful advice, it just may not work for me. Oh yes, and the fact that I don't really have a ride to go there anymore either. And that it frustrated the heck out of my husband because he wasn't seeing any progress (not that there necessarily wasn't progress, but he pays the bills and wanted to see progress. I can at least understand that.)

Anyway, so yeah, just know that this is why I'm super anxious about my next meeting with my GP because he also seems to be hinti g at therapy too and I privately messaged him that it did help some. He already knows my husband's feelings on the matter. I'm anxious about talking about some of the things that are bothering me about my marriage as well, because it might come as a shock to my husband...although I've tried to tell him things many times. There is one thing though that I haven't yet addressed and I've finally figured out exactly what I need (I think). It's one of the love languages. He doesn't show me love like I need it. He shows me how he needs it. He's very stubborn about this, but I need to make him understand the importance...

Sigh! Ok, I think I'm talked out.

Check my journal thread if you can. I do worry that no one will read it, hence coming here right now, but maybe now youll know. I dunno. I've gotta get to bed now, or at least try. Goodnight!

Hi giddykitty. I understand the difficulty in finding an effective therapist, but for most of us it is very necessary that we keep trying. The same goes for psychiatrists.

From your recent posts, it is clear that you are unwell right now. Exactly why/how, I don't know. That's not for members here to really know, and though we want to provide support to you, and others, we can't manage the responsibility of being therapist surrogates. Support from members of an online forum is generally not sufficient to tackle major psychological issues, nor should it be. I don't want you to grow frustrated and sicker by it not being.

Feb 12, 2020, 10:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Woke up at 3:47am. It's now 4:50am ish and I'm at work now.

I brought an easy book for me to read while I am here and waiting for my Ritalin to kick in. I hope it keeps me distracted for a bit.

My mood is okay, but I feel more restless than before, since starting the new dose of propranolol. I don't know why that is???

I hope we come to a solution with the akathisia or whatever the f*** it is. I want cogentin!! Everyone seems to say it's the gold standard!!

Hi bluebicycle. I don't want to scare you, but it is possible that if you have akathisia (or RLS or other) that it is simply worsening. I know that when I had akathisia it worsened over time. I even think, in my case, that stress exacerbated it. Perhaps propranolol isn't the right solution for you. I'm sorry you have to wait so long to see your psychiatrist, in order to discuss this further.

Jester's Rags · Feb 12, 2020, 10:34 AM

Feeling good. I’ve had a pretty good week. Not hearing things. Racing thoughts are gone. Thanks Li and risperidone. (Funny note. Spellcheck changed risperdal to dispersal )

Sunflower123 · Feb 12, 2020, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Jennifer, that's scary that someone hacked into your Amazon Prime account. I worry about that stuff happening, too, since it is now more and more frequent. Have you changed your password? What did Amazon suggest to prevent further issues.

They were not concerned. At my continued insistence, they recommended parental controls and a new password. They did eventually tell me that the charge came from an Xbox registered to my account. There’s never been an Xbox registered to my account. I do hope they follow up internally.

Sunflower123 · Feb 12, 2020, 11:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Well my husband had a Dr Appt today. A couple weeks ago his sister had horrible headaches and they found a brain bleed so she was immediately taken to ICU and many MRI’s and scans taken over a week ... they didn’t really find a specific reason, but the Doctor told her to let her brothers know that it’s likely heredity since there Mom died of a aneurysm. His sister is having follow up MRIs every 10-12 days.

My husband has been having terrible headaches they present like a migraine. But because of his sisters emergency he’s getting blood work done tomorrow they want to make sure his kidneys are healthy because they want the scan with and without contrast some time this week.

So it’s another stress.... ( deep breathing)

Hugs to all

That’s truly frightening about your husband’s sister. I hope your husband’s blood work turns out favorably and that they can do the scan this week. Sending love and prayers your way.

11:46 AM

Today I see my psychiatrist before his 6 week vacation in Europe. I'm always nervous about his long absences. I'm not going to talk about France, today!

I went to fill my pill boxes, and couldn't find the bottle containing my Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 200 mg pills. [Note: I take Seroquel XR 400 mg pills, too.] I was certain I had filled the 200s, recently. Last week, I remember noting that "the new quetiapine ER 200 mg pills" look exactly like my Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER). Different manufacturer? After an investigation, it seems that I took extra Tegretol XR pills in lieu of the Seroquel XR 200 mg. Today my pharmacist said my insurance approved a refill for the Seroquel XR 200 mg, so I guess I hadn't had them. You know, I'm not that old and yet I often screw things up. I did notice a reduction in my sleep this past week, on the lower dose of Seroquel XR (from 8 hrs to 5 or 6). I also noticed an increase in my already existent clumsiness/carelessness, likely from the extra Tegretol XR. 1,400 mg of Tegretol XR is surely above my therapeutic level. Hubby always tells me to "be more careful", but that's not easy. I'm not deliberately being careless.

Funny, last week my nephrologist asked when I last had a Tegretol level. I told him that my psychiatrist is "delinquent" about ordering them. Truth is, I seem even more delinquent.

Last night was my first group French class at the adult school. I enjoyed myself! There are maybe 12 students. The level is extremely easy for me, yet I still find value in the review. I think I'll stick to that level. As many here could imagine, I was among the most active participants in the class. [Always am.] When we split off into pairs for an exercise, my partner seemed to have amazingly good French. Turned out she was a French professor observing the new French teacher's performance. After she told me that, I humorously responded, in French, approximately, "So, that is the reason for my intimidation!" but she was nice.

~Christina · Feb 12, 2020, 11:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jester's Rags

Feeling good. I’ve had a pretty good week. Not hearing things. Racing thoughts are gone. Thanks Li and risperidone. (Funny note. Spellcheck changed risperdal to dispersal )

LOL .. I thought I was the only one that happened to !

Glad your feeling better

~Christina · Feb 12, 2020, 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

That’s truly frightening about your husband’s sister. I hope your husband’s blood work turns out favorably and that they can do the scan this week. Sending love and prayers your way.

Thanks

yes a scary time

we were on the verge of racing to Florida at any time.

~Christina · Feb 12, 2020, 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Today I see my psychiatrist before his 6 week vacation in Europe. I'm always nervous about his long absences. I'm not going to talk about France, today!

I went to fill my pill boxes, and couldn't find the bottle containing my Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 200 mg pills. [Note: I take Seroquel XR 400 mg pills, too.] I was certain I had filled the 200s, recently. Last week, I remember noting that "the new quetiapine ER 200 mg pills" look exactly like my Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER). Different manufacturer? After an investigation, it seems that I took extra Tegretol XR pills in lieu of the Seroquel XR 200 mg. Today my pharmacist said my insurance approved a refill for the Seroquel XR 200 mg, so I guess I hadn't had them. You know, I'm not that old and yet I often screw things up. I did notice a reduction in my sleep this past week, on the lower dose of Seroquel XR (from 8 hrs to 5 or 6). I also noticed an increase in my already existent clumsiness/carelessness, likely from the extra Tegretol XR. 1,400 mg of Tegretol XR is surely above my therapeutic level. Hubby always tells me to "be more careful", but that's not easy. I'm not deliberately being careless.

Last night was my first group French class at the adult school. I enjoyed myself! There are maybe 12 students. The level is extremely easy for me, yet I still find value in the review. I think I'll stick to that level. As many here could imagine, I was among the most active participants in the class. [Always am.] When we split off into pairs for an exercise, my partner seemed to have amazingly good French. Turned out she was a French professor observing the new French teacher's performance. After she told me that, I humorously responded, in French, approximately, "So, that is the reason for my intimidation!" but she was nice.

Hey, Id not waste time taking about France.. I’m sure he will help you feel better. You really must have him order lab work... you might need to skip a few days to let your level drop.

Yes the mixing up of pills. Years ago like 9 when I just imploded I was at one time taking so many doses of meds a day ... I screwed up a lot.. the only thing that saved me was taking different colored markers and drawing an X on tops of any pills that could be confused. So when I picked up that bottle I was reminded by that big blue X .. Red , green etc to pay much closer attention. A few times I’d ask my husband if I was holding X Med in my hand.. maybe ask your husband to just watch you fill up the box ?

Anyway it helped remind me to double check..I was so drugged when I was recovering from my descent into hell. It’s so easy to get them confused ! My new PsA Med ? It looks exactly like my cholesterol pill

Fantastic news about enjoying your French class !

Hope you have a great appt with your Pdoc

Feb 12, 2020, 12:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Hey, Id not waste time taking about France.. I’m sure he will help you feel better. You really must have him order lab work... you might need to skip a few days to let your level drop.

Yes the mixing up of pills. Years ago like 9 when I just imploded I was at one time taking so many doses of meds a day ... I screwed up a lot.. the only thing that saved me was taking different colored markers and drawing an X on tops of any pills that could be confused. So when I picked up that bottle I was reminded by that big blue X .. Red , green etc to pay much closer attention. A few times I’d ask my husband if I was holding X Med in my hand.. maybe ask your husband to just watch you fill up the box ?

Anyway it helped remind me to double check..I was so drugged when I was recovering from my descent into hell. It’s so easy to get them confused ! My new PsA Med ? It looks exactly like my cholesterol pill

Fantastic news about enjoying your French class !

Hope you have a great appt with your Pdoc

Thanks, Christina! I will talk to pdoc about my med accident. I'll see what he suggests. I have a feeling he'll just tell me to go back to my usual dose of 1,200. I wouldn't want to skip them entirely. Tegretol is somewhat like Lamictal in that big jumps could increase SJS risk.

The system you used to ensure correctness with the meds sounds like a good suggestion. Maybe I'll create a spreadsheet and mark the Xs near the med line on a printout. You know what makes it even harder? My husband expects me to fill his pill box, too. I do keep his pill bottles separate from mine. His are in the kitchen pantry. Mine in a tray upstairs. I do fill them all at once, but keep his on the opposite side of the table. In total (his and mine), including the multi-vitamin, there are 13 different pill bottles for me to deal with once per week, when filling the weekly boxes. Once when I didn't have breakfast with him, he accidentally took MY evening medications (the wrong pill box) in the morning. A couple hours after he got to work, he was nearly passing out. I had to go pick him up, and when we got home, he slept for 14 hours straight. I couldn't believe he did that. At the time, my evening cocktail was even bigger than it is now, and far larger than his morning med pile has ever been. I think that day he took Lithium, Tegretol, Geodon, Seroquel XR, Klonopin, and Propranolol -- some at pretty high doses. Oops!

Feb 12, 2020, 12:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Morning Blue

Maybe the new dose has dropped your blood pressure to low ? Normally a lower blood pressure has a calming effect. I was put on Minipress it’s another lowdose blood pressure med to help me sleep but it’s also shown to decrease ptsd nightmares. Well it dropped my blood pressure too low and my body reacted by keeping me up and moving,on high alert “ fight or flight mode” not nearly as awful as what your going through.... but maybe the increase is having an opposite reaction too?

Honestly I have no idea why you are unable to get freaking Cogentin ! It’s not a benzo, it’s not a scheduled drug, it’s a freaking Med for tremors from Parkinson’s disease etc and it is very often a needed Med if a person is on old school Haldol , Thorazine and practically all APs going.

Pdoc 101 is give Inderal and if no help add Cogentin if that doesn’t help then the offending Med just isn’t doable.

I have personally never heard of a bad reaction to Cogentin I’m sure it could cause something of course but it’s honestly in general a Med that will either help or do nothing at all.

I hate seeing you suffer this way for so long

I’d like to slap your Pdoc

I think it did drop my blood pressure too low. I was feeling dizzy earlier today, so I ate a ton of lays chips because they’re so salty. (We have free snacks at work.)

I don't know why we can't do cogentin either. I literally had to describe the problem to his assistant, who is a complete dolt, because I can never talk to him directly. And who knows what the hell she told my pdoc the first time, but for whatever reason, he didn't want to see me. I wish I did have an appt so that I don't have to play phone tag and talk to someone who asks me questions like, "mmmkay... and how do you spell that med you're on? P-r-o-e... Wait, No... p-r-o-p-a-n-e-l-o-l? Or is it not that way?" No, you idiot. It's not propane!!

Feb 12, 2020, 01:09 PM

A little low today, but oddly kinda happy about it. Better than that mixed ******** I was dealing with. I slept like 12 hours last night. Yesterday I got the increased dose of my Risperdal shot so that might be contributing to the tiredness. It does good to not feel the need to bounce around from activity to activity all day and to actually sleep more than two hours at a time.

Feb 12, 2020, 01:25 PM

Another suggestion for keeping meds straight filling up med boxes-- I just set each one off to the side after putting that one in the compartments. I have am and pm, and do them one at a time.

Ugh. I think I'm going to check in medically regarding my head. Think it's safe to say I sustained a concussion. I've started having visual disturbances -- third day now. Cloudy and blurry, fortunately just on the side that got hurt. Sigh. Really don't want to have any more medical bills right now.

Feb 12, 2020, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Another suggestion for keeping meds straight filling up med boxes-- I just set each one off to the side after putting that one in the compartments. I have am and pm, and do them one at a time.

Ugh. I think I'm going to check in medically regarding my head. Think it's safe to say I sustained a concussion. I've started having visual disturbances -- third day now. Cloudy and blurry, fortunately just on the side that got hurt. Sigh. Really don't want to have any more medical bills right now.

Please do have your head inquiry looked into, Innerzone. It sounds concerning.

Thanks for the tip. That's actually how I do work my pill box filling, but I still made some mistake.

bpcyclist · Feb 12, 2020, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by giddykitty

Really hate myself right now. I can't sleep because of crap weighing on my mind. I need to get this out. So many of you have suggested therapy/seeing a pdoc to me. Well, this is actually a hot button issue. You see, I've tried it and while I had someone to listen to me at a particularly difficult time in my life, I was ultimately paying someone to just listen to me talk. I could do that here and get better feedback! Second therapist was a little more extreme in the other manner. Talked about herself too much and spoke slowly too so it wasted my precious time. Third therapist (same clinic as first) was for DBT. Only went 4 sessions before we came to the conclusion that this wasn't helping me. First of all, the stuff was like common sense to me. I was already doing similar things from yoga meditation in the past as well as my hubby s logical advices (he may lack emotional empathy, but he's very logical which helps me think less "borderline" like). Anyway, oh and we also canceled because I couldn't do certain exercises for x, y, and z reasons.

Moving on to the pdoc. As I mentioned already (in my journal thread), I'd spend hours trying to set appointments, wait in the waiting room and only get like 10minutes of time to talk and we'd discuss the same b crap every time. Other than getti g my meds, it was not worth it. Waste of tons of time and money because I'd have to make an appointment for EVERY refill! My GP can do this over the phone.

So, while I don't value the thoughtful advice, it just may not work for me. Oh yes, and the fact that I don't really have a ride to go there anymore either. And that it frustrated the heck out of my husband because he wasn't seeing any progress (not that there necessarily wasn't progress, but he pays the bills and wanted to see progress. I can at least understand that.)

Anyway, so yeah, just know that this is why I'm super anxious about my next meeting with my GP because he also seems to be hinti g at therapy too and I privately messaged him that it did help some. He already knows my husband's feelings on the matter. I'm anxious about talking about some of the things that are bothering me about my marriage as well, because it might come as a shock to my husband...although I've tried to tell him things many times. There is one thing though that I haven't yet addressed and I've finally figured out exactly what I need (I think). It's one of the love languages. He doesn't show me love like I need it. He shows me how he needs it. He's very stubborn about this, but I need to make him understand the importance...

Sigh! Ok, I think I'm talked out.

Check my journal thread if you can. I do worry that no one will read it, hence coming here right now, but maybe now youll know. I dunno. I've gotta get to bed now, or at least try. Goodnight!

You really, really need a psychiatrist, giddykitty. Don't know how else to say it.

bpcyclist · Feb 12, 2020, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Today I see my psychiatrist before his 6 week vacation in Europe. I'm always nervous about his long absences. I'm not going to talk about France, today!

I went to fill my pill boxes, and couldn't find the bottle containing my Seroquel XR (quetiapine ER) 200 mg pills. [Note: I take Seroquel XR 400 mg pills, too.] I was certain I had filled the 200s, recently. Last week, I remember noting that "the new quetiapine ER 200 mg pills" look exactly like my Tegretol XR (carbamazepine ER). Different manufacturer? After an investigation, it seems that I took extra Tegretol XR pills in lieu of the Seroquel XR 200 mg. Today my pharmacist said my insurance approved a refill for the Seroquel XR 200 mg, so I guess I hadn't had them. You know, I'm not that old and yet I often screw things up. I did notice a reduction in my sleep this past week, on the lower dose of Seroquel XR (from 8 hrs to 5 or 6). I also noticed an increase in my already existent clumsiness/carelessness, likely from the extra Tegretol XR. 1,400 mg of Tegretol XR is surely above my therapeutic level. Hubby always tells me to "be more careful", but that's not easy. I'm not deliberately being careless.

Funny, last week my nephrologist asked when I last had a Tegretol level. I told him that my psychiatrist is "delinquent" about ordering them. Truth is, I seem even more delinquent.

Last night was my first group French class at the adult school. I enjoyed myself! There are maybe 12 students. The level is extremely easy for me, yet I still find value in the review. I think I'll stick to that level. As many here could imagine, I was among the most active participants in the class. [Always am.] When we split off into pairs for an exercise, my partner seemed to have amazingly good French. Turned out she was a French professor observing the new French teacher's performance. After she told me that, I humorously responded, in French, approximately, "So, that is the reason for my intimidation!" but she was nice.

I am so sorry about your medication snafu, BirdDancer, but you are not alone, that is for sure. My Seroquel tablets are almost identical, in my simplistic view, to my Wellbutrin. I try to monitor my pill counts because I sometimes forget to take my PM meds. I have a hard time remembering when I get tired. Anyhow, I noticed one of my counts was off a few weeks ago and, lo and behold, I had been taking Wellbutrin morning and night and not taking Seroquel at all!! I had gotten them totally confused with one another.

I suspect these things are more common than may be realized by most. We do the best we can. It's all we can do.

Your French is clearly much better than mine, if you can hang with a French profesor. That is pretty amazing.

bpcyclist · Feb 12, 2020, 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Another suggestion for keeping meds straight filling up med boxes-- I just set each one off to the side after putting that one in the compartments. I have am and pm, and do them one at a time.

Ugh. I think I'm going to check in medically regarding my head. Think it's safe to say I sustained a concussion. I've started having visual disturbances -- third day now. Cloudy and blurry, fortunately just on the side that got hurt. Sigh. Really don't want to have any more medical bills right now.

I am glad you are going to get checked out, Innerzone. It is possible you sustained a concussion. Hope your appointment goes well!!!!

Fuzzybear · Feb 12, 2020, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

You really, really need a psychiatrist, giddykitty. Don't know how else to say it.

I replied in your thread giddykitty but deleted my post. I also think you need to consult a good psychiatrist. In my opinion, an hour would be needed to have much of a hope of an accurate “diagnosis” (10 or 15 minutes? I understand myself and my “mental state” a lot more than any GP or even shrink could in that ridiculously short time)

Moose72 · Feb 12, 2020, 05:26 PM

Anybody here read "Electro Boy"? I'm on page 79 of 273 and so far no mention of bipolar. Its all about his jobs.

falcon09 · Feb 12, 2020, 05:28 PM

Didn't sleep last night, not sure why, just couldn't get comfortable.

Feb 12, 2020, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72

Anybody here read "Electro Boy"? I'm on page 79 of 273 and so far no mention of bipolar. Its all about his jobs.

Hi Moose. I had mentioned a while back that I read "Electro Boy". I have even met Andy Behrman.

I don't want to give away anything, but further down the line in the book you'll realize that his behavior becomes pretty out of control. I'll say that he's not exactly a choir boy type to begin with, but his behavior at points becomes way far beyond his "stable self". He has been married (to a woman) for some years now, and has children. It's amazing how bipolar mania can make people do things that are far different than their baseline selves. Like many of us, he has crashed from mania into depression.

Moose72 · Feb 12, 2020, 05:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi Moose. I had mentioned a while back that I read "Electro Boy". I have even met Andy Behrman.

I don't want to give away anything, but further down the line in the book you'll realize that his behavior becomes pretty out of control. I'll say that he's not exactly a choir boy type to begin with, but his behavior at points becomes way far beyond his "stable self". He has been married (to a woman) for some years now, and has children. It's amazing how bipolar mania can make people do things that are far different than their baseline selves. Like many of us, he has crashed from mania into depression.

I just read the section where he goes clothes shopping and spends over $6k.

Feb 12, 2020, 06:20 PM

I’m in such a weird state right now, but it isn’t a good one. The financial situation is even worse than before with no sign of looking up. I’m stressed and really not doing well, even in settings where I should feel at peace and ease. It’s definitely not ideal, and just who I am to deal with all this crap the only way I know how isn’t ideal either. I’m just kind of lost. Work sucks, all I do is sleep, eat and repeat. No wait – I take that back. I also stress, worry and cry. That’s about it.