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  #26  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 04:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post

Thanks. That is good advice.

My biggest problem is with sensitivity and analyzing everything down to the intramolecular level.

I still do that sometimes. I used to be really bad at it: I'd analyze what a person had said to me and then try to circumvent that by GUESSING what they might say next in order to end the conversation (I guess?). The result was confusion between both of us. One person even pointed this out to me that I was doing that. I'm not sure if this is a bipolar trait (that was before I was diagnosed) or part of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I can see both- with the ACA part being that I would try to predict what my parents/dad would say or do before they did it so I could circumvent yelling or other abuse. At the moment, I think its a little of both. As I said, I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar when I began doing this as a child, but I probably was. Even with another relationship, the guy wanted to break up with me for my ACA tendencies/what were also part of undiagnosed bipolar? OT a bit, but I'm still not sure which is which. (I'd post on the ACA board here, but nobody posts there but me. )
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  #27  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 05:09 PM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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Here is my last rant:

Thanks to the children's hospital in Ottawa, Canada. Thanks for teaching me that everything I felt was invalid. Thanks for ignoring me, teaching me how to conform just so I can get discharged off that Form 3. Thanks for teaching me self-harm(everyone in that unit was doing it). Thanks for telling me that I was a manipulator out to seek attention. Thanks for withholding the diagnosis and not diagnosing me properly. Thanks for lying. Thanks for not listening when I reported disturbing Zoloft side effects. Thanks a lot.

Who the **** attempts to do psychoanalysis on teenagers? This hospital did.

This was my most traumatic experience with psychiatry. It was worse than the adult psychiatric ward I was in.
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  #28  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 05:25 PM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
Thanks for your reply. I'm not sure I completely understand it.






I wish, I was told that years ago.




Yes, I am. I'm a good person. I think this is what keeps me going.


I think, I understand what you mean. I don't know if I traumatized others who witnessed my behaviors. At the time I was living alone in a city. My family was a two day drive away, so I didn't have their support and protection. The experience definitely traumatized me, and reinforced a lot of negative emotions. It taught me that psychiatry didn't give a ****, unless they liked you and didn't have certain diagnoses.




What is an inner child? I don't understand what that means.


I do try to live in the moment. It works with life, but not with my psychiatric history, probably, because it hurts too much.



My job helped me a lot. It has helped me make sense of people and the world around me.



I'm not working right now, because I am finishing the last two semesters of a diploma program. School is really tiring and overwhelming. I'm not enjoying it. I really miss work, because I was good at what I did.




I can't understand why people justified treating me like ****. I just can't. I have never been one to do things like that. Why? Because it hurt me. Why would I want to do the same? I don't want to understand their reasons for going out of their way to hurt me. It makes no sense, at least in people who don't know me. - This does make me wonder why it even matters. It just does.


I hope this helps... My approach is not for everyone. It is just what has worked so far for me.

Your inner child is the you that was a kid. You can kinda rewind your mind and go back to that time and remember how you were. You've grown up, but it lives on. I connected with mine because I needed a healthy perspective of a child to assist the part of me that is a parent who is hurting.

A similar example, I was a broken mess after my episode. I needed to find a way forward, so I leaned on my professional self that is an analyst and a strategist to figure out how to do it. So you can think of these pieces of myself like my personalities. In psychological perspective I believe the correct term is personas. If I were to list mine it might look like: child, teenager, sister, friend, professional, wife, mother, etc.

Psychiatry didn't care about me either. I can see it from both sides. They have a lot of patients who lie, fight them and refuse to follow their advice. Also, they have been taught that meds are the answer. They have been done a huge disservice by the institutions that deem them professionals. I think many of them are afraid. It is only quite recently that my psychiatrist has admitted he is basically fumbling in the dark after what I was doing for myself was working and I was doing it without meds. Previously I had been told I would need meds for life and a label was slapped on my file.

I'm so sorry you didn't have support. I can only imagine how scary and lonely that must have been for you.

Honestly, it doesn't matter why they did it. It matters how you got to such a place to be in a position to need their counsel and how you plan to address it if it occurs again. If you believe yourself to be worthy of better, you can demand better for yourself. If you can show yourself compassion, others can sense that in you and offer the same.

People do really terrible things all the time and it is hurtful. We typically never get an apology. We can allow that to anchor us to the past and keep replaying it and analyzing it in our mind looking for justification, or we can accept that people are broken like we are and make crappy choices. We can choose better for ourselves not because others treat us well, but because it is a way of life for us regardless of how others treat us.

It hurts too much probably because you were betrayed by the people you were told were trying to help you. It makes zero rational sense for people to hurt each other in these types of ways. It is never going to make sense unfortunately because people act out of emotion or programming and do not use their hearts or analytical minds like they could or perhaps should. They are asleep at the wheel and most often have no clue as to the damage they cause.

The question then becomes, what are you doing to take care of your heart and mend the hole they left? Maybe you need to find a therapist that you can establish a healthy and helpful relationship with. Maybe you just need to do some inner work and accept that you were wronged by a broken system and you're probably never going to get an apology. Maybe you need to tell your family you really needed more support and it hurt you and you want to partner with them better in the future.

Your path to becoming whole again is unique to you. I'd start with figuring out what is missing and then determining if you can create what you need within yourself or if you need to lean on outside sources. One step at a time. You recognize something is missing. That's a good start.
Thanks for this!
The_little_didgee
  #29  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 05:27 PM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
I still do that sometimes. I used to be really bad at it: I'd analyze what a person had said to me and then try to circumvent that by GUESSING what they might say next in order to end the conversation (I guess?). The result was confusion between both of us. One person even pointed this out to me that I was doing that. I'm not sure if this is a bipolar trait (that was before I was diagnosed) or part of being an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. I can see both- with the ACA part being that I would try to predict what my parents/dad would say or do before they did it so I could circumvent yelling or other abuse. At the moment, I think its a little of both. As I said, I wasn't diagnosed as bipolar when I began doing this as a child, but I probably was. Even with another relationship, the guy wanted to break up with me for my ACA tendencies/what were also part of undiagnosed bipolar? OT a bit, but I'm still not sure which is which. (I'd post on the ACA board here, but nobody posts there but me. )

Can you explain?


Usually I ask, so I can make sure, I understand what the other person is thinking. It greatly decreases my tendency to question. When I start questioning it takes everything out of me to force myself to stop. It is easier to just ask than put myself through hell.



One of my biggest problems is trying to understand people. It is hard for me to imagine what they are thinking and feeling (perspective thinking). I have to ask, so I can get an idea what they feel.

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  #30  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 05:37 PM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
Here is my last rant:

Thanks to the children's hospital in Ottawa, Canada. Thanks for teaching me that everything I felt was invalid. Thanks for ignoring me, teaching me how to conform just so I can get discharged off that Form 3. Thanks for teaching me self-harm(everyone in that unit was doing it). Thanks for telling me that I was a manipulator out to seek attention. Thanks for withholding the diagnosis and not diagnosing me properly. Thanks for lying. Thanks for not listening when I reported disturbing Zoloft side effects. Thanks a lot.

Who the **** attempts to do psychoanalysis on teenagers? This hospital did.

This was my most traumatic experience with psychiatry. It was worse than the adult psychiatric ward I was in.
This is good. Getting it out helps. I like this rant
  #31  
Old Mar 03, 2020, 05:39 PM
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Moose72 Moose72 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
Can you explain?


Usually I ask, so I can make sure, I understand what the other person is thinking. It greatly decreases my tendency to question. When I start questioning it takes everything out of me to force myself to stop. It is easier to just ask than put myself through hell.



One of my biggest problems is trying to understand people. It is hard for me to imagine what they are thinking and feeling (perspective thinking). I have to ask, so I can get an idea what they feel.

I would have a running commentary in my mind of what they would say next. It was pure conjecture but based on previous experience. I think we all do this to some extent- think we know what someone will say or do before they do. Only in my case, I'd guess in my head and then RESPOND as if they had actually said what I thought. It was confusing and frustrating for them. It was also uncomfortable for me because I'd get confused and frustrated looks from them.
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Thanks for this!
The_little_didgee
  #32  
Old Mar 05, 2020, 06:13 AM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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Thanks Fern.

I have no idea what is missing in my life. I'm not too optimistic about therapy helping me get over this. Therapy has helped with things such as communication, but not things that really bother me.

The hurt goes away for months then it comes back. It is like episodic grieving.

My psychiatrist read the thread. She thanked me for sharing and stated that it would be best to discuss it directly.




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  #33  
Old Mar 05, 2020, 06:55 AM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The_little_didgee View Post
Thanks Fern.

I have no idea what is missing in my life. I'm not too optimistic about therapy helping me get over this. Therapy has helped with things such as communication, but not things that really bother me.

The hurt goes away for months then it comes back. It is like episodic grieving.

My psychiatrist read the thread. She thanked me for sharing and stated that it would be best to discuss it directly.




You have a very pure intent and I feel that you will get where you need to go to move on with a healed heart one day.

I understand the concept of episodic grieving. These types of experiences come up for us in cycles. That is natural. They are reborn, grow to some sort of peak emotionally and then hopefully die down for a time to allow us to process things with greater insight on a deeper level each time.

I can see where your pdoc is coming from. In a group setting there is a risk you will be led astray. I think one has to follow their heart and instinct and know that sometimes an idea may not be a fit, but sharing a moment with people who underdstand is invaluable.

Consider perhaps joining in on some of the check in threads where we keep things mostly social. It is a way to remain connected without discussing any one particular issue. I wish you all the best for healing and a bright future.
  #34  
Old Mar 05, 2020, 06:41 PM
The_little_didgee The_little_didgee is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
I understand the concept of episodic grieving. These types of experiences come up for us in cycles. That is natural. They are reborn, grow to some sort of peak emotionally and then hopefully die down for a time to allow us to process things with greater insight on a deeper level each time.


I have noticed that as well. Knowing this doesn't ease my suffering.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
I can see where your pdoc is coming from. In a group setting there is a risk you will be led astray. I think one has to follow their heart and instinct and know that sometimes an idea may not be a fit, but sharing a moment with people who underdstand is invaluable.


I'm not sure my psychiatrist really listens. I know she cares, but in a professional way.

Part of the problem is my tendency to compare myself to others. Most of my psychiatrist's clients are low functioning and have severe mental illness(She's a part of an ACT team). I feel that my problems are very minor compared to the rest of her clients.

I keep my distance from the psychiatric community, because I tend to compare myself with others. My hospitalizations where torture, because patients had a ranking system and competed with each other to determine who was the most mentally ill. Even the staff were guilty of it. - And since I was misdiagnosed with a PD, everything I said and felt was misinterpreted as manipulation. What was really nasty about this, was I had to resort to SH to be heard. Pathetic. Note: I learned SH in the hospital at the age of 16.

I haven't done any SH since 1998. I stopped, because it made me feel awful. I hated doing it, but I justified it, because it was the only way I felt people would pay attention to me. It was that pathetic. I can't seem to forgive myself for this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by fern46 View Post
Consider perhaps joining in on some of the check in threads where we keep things mostly social. It is a way to remain connected without discussing any one particular issue. I wish you all the best for healing and a bright future.


Thanks for the invitation. Would I still be welcomed if I don't BP?
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  #35  
Old Mar 05, 2020, 06:58 PM
fern46 fern46 is offline
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Knowing that it cycles may not be comforting, but if you know the pattern you can move through it more effectively as opposed to spinning for a while only to realize you're on a new level of processing.

Comparing yourself to others can only take you so far. Its all relative. Everyone is on their own path with their own lessons to learn. Comparing yourself to yourself is invaluable. You can look back to see if you've grown like you want to. You can look forward to establish a new vision of yourself to aim for.

For example, you mentioned you judge some of your past behavior as pathetic. It was a lesson in survivalist behavior in an abusive environment. You did what you needed to in order to survive. You were a child with no support in an impossibly difficult situation. You'd choose differently now.

Of course you are welcome. Join anytime. There are a lot of good people who would simply want to wish you well and offer support. My diagnosis is up in the air and nobody has kicked me out yet No pressure, but you are welcome anytime.
Thanks for this!
The_little_didgee
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