Like poles of two magnets - Repulsion going on.

The situation I mentioned in the title of this thread is an on-going issue for me, which is one of a few reasons I remain on disability.

When I'm either hypomanic/manic or doing very well stable, I either come up with big or numerous projects, or have aspirations to take steps forward in life. When I was much younger, I benefited from this greatly. When the situation "slowed" or became more difficult, I seemed to manage sufficiently, most of the time, with some exceptions. In the case of the exceptions, I'd eventually brush off the figurative dust/dirt, and move forward again.

Since my worst episodes 14 years ago, this figurative "dusting off the dirt and starting over again" became more and more difficult. If I did seem back in the groove with things, the doing of them would eventually become more difficult. Sometimes quickly. Trying to push myself became almost impossible, like trying to push two magnets together on the sides of like poles.

I can't even remember how many projects, classes, and other endeavors, I've started but not finished over the years. It's gotten to the point where my husband never trusts that I will finish new goals to completion. That feels very horrible, but his attitude is justified.

I'm not altogether well right now. These past few months I started new things, like a French class. I was enthusiastic in the beginning, but now I'm trying to find ways to avoid it, secretly. I looked up local movies I could go to instead of the class, and yet tell hubby that I went to the class. I know that's horrible, but I dread hearing him say "I knew you would drop out, prematurely."

I haven't even wanted to go to my therapy, lately. I like her, but don't feel like hearing suggestions how to push through the resistance.

I don't know what I'm asking here. Do others relate to this? Any suggestions? I'm particularly looking for the former.

I once wrote a very short reflection, sort of on the topic above. I thought I'd share it here.

I just want to go home, but I'm already home

I remember being at work, or somewhere else, and thinking over and over again that “I just want to go home.” The hours seemed like days. I’d watch the clock, and it would seem to have stopped. Two minutes before I was officially to be set free, I’d run around the corner and make an escape. I knew that those last two minutes would just kill me, so I had to make the run for it while I could still breathe.

There eventually came a time when I stumbled on that run home, and found myself in a figurative full body cast. Then the only place I could even be is confined at home in my bed. Years passed in that cast and I again began to feel trapped. Out of old habit I’d repeat silently to myself that “I just want to go home. I just want to go home.” But I was home.

I've started a number of things and had trouble finishing. I can relate. My mind just seems to move on once I get what I needed out of it.

No real advice to offer. That would be hypocritical of me. You're not alone.

I will say though that at least this time the French class isn't too hard as it seems you were rocking the material and the content was somewhat easy for you. If you do decide to go you can get an easier win if that makes sense... No judgment, and I support you no matter what you decide. You're fantastic and the starts and stops are just part of your story. They aren't who you are.

I once had something for my inner cub..
Which sadly was thrown away (another trauma

‘There is no wrong way to play”

Things recently that died before getting off the ground: revamping a writing curriculum for dyslexics, me testing out of college classes, relearning calc, picking up drawing again (both paper and digital), computer programming classes, gaming again, self care, coloring and cutting my hair, I could go on and on. Both myself and my husband do it. We buy supplies and then by the time it gets here, or a week in we're done. So we've developed a 6 month waiting limit for anything that cost over x amount of money. It's not about the money it's about how bad we feel for dropping it. You don't need judgement from your husband. I'm sorry he does that.

I think it’s very common, I mean that’s one of the many questions that Pdocs are going to ask to help them determine what your diagnosis might be.

I know I have jumped into some hobbies and then suddenly I am just done , the end.

I’m certain if we had more money I’d find many hobbies I’d like to try but I know that I’d get bored quickly.

I think we should do what we can do.. yes try and push ourselves to complete things but also have compassion for ourselves when we just can’t.

I definitely relate to this. I start more projects when I am not depressed and then cannot keep up with them when I am. Half of the month I am very productive, the other half I really struggle to get even basic tasks done. I told my psychiatrist that I try to make up for what I fell behind on when I am feeling better, although I guess sometimes I just drop the project. A couple months ago I was excitedly planning a trip with a friend, practicing my Spanish for the trip, watching documentaries and everything. Then my hormones hit and I got all discouraged and haven't gone back to practicing.

Do you have any idea why it's getting harder to bounce back? Are you feeling perhaps "why bother?" if you're just going to hit another depression? I know it can make me feel a little defeated, personally. Something that might help is to remember that just because you have stopped being productive now doesn't mean the work you put in before doesn't count. Did you learn anything in taking your French classes? If so, that is something. You can always go back to it later. Being hard on yourself might only discourage you further. I think if we internalize that we will never finish anything, it can become what we expect of ourselves. Perhaps setting up mini goals to celebrate your success could help keep you motivated? If you meet those goals, than you can remind yourself you did in fact do something without quitting.

I can relate. I often have started things and not completed them although I’m slowly getting better at pushing myself to complete them (once I’ve broken the tasks into bite size pieces).

I am sorry you go through this. I do, as well. It's much worse if I get depressed. I fully realize this is an issue for me. I tend to not start lengthy endeavors.

I relate to everything you wrote.

I remember as a kid I would be overly enthusiastic about starting a class or new hobby and then drop out as soon as I could. My mother eventually wouldn't allow me to start anything new. Two poles of a magnet is a great analogy for the many, many projects I've always started in life.

It's medication that is the determining factor. For example, if I start a hobby I will almost always work hard at it and stay with it for years. Introduce a numbing med and I lose interest in the hobby. It feels like the med just zaps my inspiration.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing on this topic.

It's true that the French material is a bit too easy for me. If it was too rigorous, I'd probably be upset by that. Go figure! I think I've reached a point, at the moment, where nothing seems to suit me. I will get over that.

You're right that the starts and stops are part of my story. I shouldn't say I've never accomplished things through full completion. That would be inaccurate.

Hi Miguel'smom. Some of the goals you mentioned are really big ones. A couple others, aren't so big. I will say that when I have classes of shorter length, I tend to be more successful at completing them. Sort of like "short dips in the pool", as opposed to long swims. I'm scheduled to get my hair done later this week. Maybe we can both say our hair is looking extra fine, soon.

@yellow_fleurs, thank you for asking all of these questions and really making me think about this more intensely. By the way, I love yellow flowers. Forsythia is my favorite.

I am glad the questions were useful and the suggestion resonated with you. I can see you know flowers in French Forsythia is beautiful. Yellow flowers always make my heart happy. I like many types, but as a kid yellow tulips were one of my favorite flowers.

I adjust my wellbutrin to keep myself high enough on the bipolar spectrum to be productive, from cutting a 75 mg pill in half to 100 mg. I also try to do regular aerobic exercise and keep in touch with my friends, all of which is a bigger challenge during the current coronavirus situation.

I'm glad you have some good strategies in place, luvyrself. As for harder to get in touch with friends, that's kind of surprising. I'd think that with people home, keeping in touch (by phone or electronically) would be more frequent. Hubby has been chatting with friends a lot. I've been more in touch with my family, especially my dad. He's doing fine.

I invited a friend for dinner last night, on the fly, but she eventually asked for a rain check. It's hard to know if she was just tired or was maybe actually worried about mingling with others. She had gone on a bike ride with a friend earlier in the day, but that's not close contact. I am concerned for her in that she lives alone. I'm not worried for my dad, because though his assisted living now doesn't allow visitors, the residents are free to mingle. I certainly hope they won't end up quarantined in their rooms. That would be rough for them, psychologically.