Bipolar check-in #46

Hi all. I am feeling down and ruminating and obsessing more. Some of it is probably sadness and everything over current events, and problems in society. But, it might also be hormone related or depression. I am worried I am going to constantly be kind of sad, depressed, and emotional if I stay on this birth control. Yet, the idea of going back to monthly PMDD is also not great. I also feel like a poser sometimes because I seem like I function well enough mentally and physically to the world, and most people seem to quickly forget I have issues as a result. Then I feel like I just come off as lazy or like I don't care to be involved in things, but really sometimes getting through the day is tough. Although sometimes I question if that's true or it's just a mindset and really I should be able to do more.
I guess I need to keep reminding myself that I do a decent amount considering and that I've made progress. I just feel isolated sometimes from my peers and community and have for a long time. Although I do have some good friends, but most are in other states right now. Anyways, I sound like such a downer. Just in a weird mood. Sending compassion.

Did a second painting. This one of a lantern hanging from a tree. A very simple thing. My paintings aren't much but I do enjoy painting them. I think next time I'm going to graduate to the bigger canvas my daughter gave me. I've been doing the little post card sized ones.

I enjoyed my day till now. Mum insisted on watching the news, kind of bummed out my cool. Washed clothes, painted, and watched my fantasy shows. It's nice alternative worlds where man can talk to animals and magic exists. Oh, watered the plants I think my hanging plant isn't doing so well. It's 92 out there.

Are you taking Trileptal at night ? If so can you flip it to Morning ?

Unfortunately, I have to take Trileptal 2x a day, 12 hours apart. I do not have an extended release version. I had asked my pdoc about an extended release, but he says it is very difficult to get that approved by insurance companies since apparently insurance companies are focused on people who have epilepsy, where an extended release is used in people who have a severe case of it.

Whenever this plague is over with, I will have to figure out how to take my meds at work since I take meds 4x a day now. However, who knows if things will ever go back to normal...

I feel so depressed... yet I feel hyper. I sure hope this episode I'm in isn't a mixed state, but it is looking more and more like one.

Anyway, I slept from about 11pm until 4:30am, and i feel awful mood wise. I wish I had a magic med that would make this episode go away, but my pdoc said Trileptal takes 2-4 weeks to kick in. Ughhh...

[Mini rant]: I hate how meds take so long to work (in general). You have to wait weeks to see if a med works or not, and if it doesn't work, then you have wasted weeks of time trying to get the episode under control.

I know some people here have been going through a lot worse than me, so I don't really have the right to complain. I just felt the need to rant about how slow meds take to work... (P.S. I am also on atorvastatin (Lipitor), which messes with your liver's metabolism with meds, which means I generally need high doses of meds, and unfortunately, I always have to start on low doses that aren't effective and spend more time titrating up...)

It was my favorite weather today: sunny and cool and breezy. I like it cold enough to wear long sleeves to cover my scars and long pants. I like to feel comfy cozy in my clothes. Tomorrow will be like this too! Yay! It helps me feel healthy. I'm really sensitive to the weather.

I got all whipped up in a terrible frenzy of rage today over this negligent psychiatrist i saw the year of my divorce. It was just a storm tho and passed in an hour.

Otherwise my day was fine. I had some nice Scrabble games. I gave myself more time and it's helping. Some stinkers tho but my talents are pretty modest so i'm trying not to mind. It's a good activity for a recluse. Keeps my mind active and i play at a club so it gives me a toehold in the world.

I feel pretty good! Hugs to all!

my mood is good at the moment, but only because I have nothing stressing me out

give it a few hours..

A Note of Gratitude:

This particular forum is blessed with very insightful, very compassionate and highly supportive members.
I have been a beneficiary of the understanding, the encouragement and the Love offered to members.
Approximately a year ago I was challenged to somehow adjust to a major change in my life. Some of you might recall the sense of devastation. It's not important that I get into the details; that was then and this is now.

This to simply say: I haven't forgotten the patience, the understanding, the encouragement, the overall Love and the support offered to me at the time and for a significant amount of time thereafter. Some days are much better than others; yet, they all foster further growth, facilitating a shedding of the old and the welcoming to the new.

I am eternally grateful to each and every one of you.

LOVE to ALL!

I feel so depressed... yet I feel hyper. I sure hope this episode I'm in isn't a mixed state, but it is looking more and more like one.

Anyway, I slept from about 11pm until 4:30am, and i feel awful mood wise. I wish I had a magic med that would make this episode go away, but my pdoc said Trileptal takes 2-4 weeks to kick in. Ughhh...

[Mini rant]: I hate how meds take so long to work (in general). You have to wait weeks to see if a med works or not, and if it doesn't work, then you have wasted weeks of time trying to get the episode under control.

I know some people here have been going through a lot worse than me, so I don't really have the right to complain. I just felt the need to rant about how slow meds take to work... (P.S. I am also on atorvastatin (Lipitor), which messes with your liver's metabolism with meds, which means I generally need high doses of meds, and unfortunately, I always have to start on low doses that aren't effective and spend more time titrating up...)

I kinda hate existing. I don't know if that makes me depressed or not, I certainly feel more wired and energized than down. It's just this breathing thing, it's unbearable. Like right now I don't like having a body and feeling every little movement within it. Feeling my heart beat, my blood circulate, my lungs inhale and exhale,etc. it's driving me crazy. I know I brought this upon myself, and I probably shouldn't even be writing this.

I think I’m finally getting that Wellbutrin anxiety. Saturday night and last night I kept waking up throughout the night with this massive anxiety, and it was going on throughout the day. I’m just anxious about everything. Right now I could use about 2 Xanax. Other then the anxiety I feel ok today.

What's that Wellbutrin dose, MD? 300, long-acting or something? At breakfast?

I am sorry, spikes, but how did you bring this on yourself?

It just 75 milligrams in the morning. I’m not sure if it’s long lasting. The loss of appetite side effect sure lasts all day though. I’ve been on it for about 2 months now and my anxiety was fine until yesterday so I’m wondering if it’s the Wellbutrin or if I just have sucky anxiety in general right now. But the weight loss is really starting up now too. And I know that’s a side effect as well.

But can side effects take 2 months to show up?

By engaging in excessive drinking and drug use. Stupid of me...