Bipolar check-in #46

Have you had periods of sobriety or clean time in the past, spikes? You can do it. It is never too late to start working on this. I struggled with addiction for decades. For the most part, it is quite easy now. And lots of people never, ever thought I could do it.

But you can do it. You can totally do it. It would probably help your mood quite a bit. Sending you strength.

Very rough day for me yesterday. Quite down and blue, amotiavational, andhednoic. Barely able to get the most basic stuff done. Oh well. Wd do what we can do.

I am trying to work hard on being more positive and more accepting of reality. Trying harder not to judge myself. To look for the gifts, not the deficits or losses. For example, if I felt well enough to ride th ebike for even an hour or work on my books, it would really help me, but the part of the brain that governs motivation is just not functioning for me right now. At all.

All my academic and career success was driven by a fierce feeling that I was not good enough. You can get a lot done when You feel that way. But it is not a healthy mindset for me. So, I am trying to lose that. It is a process for me. Judging me is bad for me. I need to accept me, even when all I can do is just sit in my chair and try to make it past the next hour.

Love and hugs and support to all, especially those struggling. Stay with it. Things will turn around. Have faith, if you can.

Thanks. It's a little late for today, but tomorrow I will not use. Just gotta remind myself of that every day and take it one day at a time. I've had periods where all I use is weed and small amounts of alcohol, but I haven't had a period of full sobriety in years.
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I just had a really good group session where I opened up more about trauma stuff. The counselor said she thinks my hallucinations/delusions/paranoia are more related to trauma than anything else. We discussed a lot of other stuff like anger and dissociation too. Helpful. First step I'm taking this week is working on sobriety while allowing myself to feel emotions.

I'm definitely in full-blown mania. I've been able to sleep with help from my sleep meds, but I definitely notice a big difference in the quality and have been waking up more. I'm definitely way more irritable. I'm working too many hours, at least 12 daily, and through weekends. I'm pretty much a zombie. I'm hoping mania passes fast. Believe it or not, I feel so much more comfortable in a nice long depression. I think I'm so used to it... and have better coping skills for that mode. I printed a ton of grounding techniques for mania, and put a bunch as reminders in my phone and notes, in hopes that I'll have the keenness to be able to use them when the time arises. This is my first switch back since my mania bout in the hospital. I'm a little nervous.

Well, issues surrounding the when and how I'm going to make this last appointment (of the 3 free) have come up. The first available between us isn't until June 18th. I did message her to see if I can get something sooner, like Wednesday or even tomorrow...it's going to be tricky trying to communicate with her right now though. sigh! so...just a little stressed about it all!

Oh! And apparently, I've come to the end of my Clonazepam (for anxiety). I mean, I have the "as needed" backup, but the intent was to get off of it...I'm a little nervous about getting withdrawal symptoms though, or just being extra anxious with everything going on. Sigh!

I'm sorry it's going so roughly for you, and wanted to tell you that I think your process is a very worthy one. Our thinking can contribute SO much to troubles (Oh thanks "so" for your "contribution", ugh! ) And who needs that kind of piling on, right?!

Wishing you a lot of successes (so many battles our mind can give us!) in your endeavor, and hope you get to feeling better soon.

Very rough day for me yesterday. Quite down and blue, amotiavational, andhednoic. Barely able to get the most basic stuff done. Oh well. Wd do what we can do.

I am trying to work hard on being more positive and more accepting of reality. Trying harder not to judge myself. To look for the gifts, not the deficits or losses. For example, if I felt well enough to ride th ebike for even an hour or work on my books, it would really help me, but the part of the brain that governs motivation is just not functioning for me right now. At all.

All my academic and career success was driven by a fierce feeling that I was not good enough. You can get a lot done when You feel that way. But it is not a healthy mindset for me. So, I am trying to lose that. It is a process for me. Judging me is bad for me. I need to accept me, even when all I can do is just sit in my chair and try to make it past the next hour.

Love and hugs and support to all, especially those struggling. Stay with it. Things will turn around. Have faith, if you can.

I am sorry you are going through this rough patch. Times like you are describing lately can be so very painful and difficult.

Is this typically what depression looks/feels like for you?
I hope you feel better soon.

Are you saying you are just quitting Klonopin cold turkey? That is not goiing to work, giddy. You have to taper it over months. I am very worried about your plan.

Oh no no. I did have doses for like the past 2 months.

Very rough day for me yesterday. Quite down and blue, amotiavational, andhednoic. Barely able to get the most basic stuff done. Oh well. Wd do what we can do.

I am trying to work hard on being more positive and more accepting of reality. Trying harder not to judge myself. To look for the gifts, not the deficits or losses. For example, if I felt well enough to ride th ebike for even an hour or work on my books, it would really help me, but the part of the brain that governs motivation is just not functioning for me right now. At all.

All my academic and career success was driven by a fierce feeling that I was not good enough. You can get a lot done when You feel that way. But it is not a healthy mindset for me. So, I am trying to lose that. It is a process for me. Judging me is bad for me. I need to accept me, even when all I can do is just sit in my chair and try to make it past the next hour.

Love and hugs and support to all, especially those struggling. Stay with it. Things will turn around. Have faith, if you can.

Thank you, Wild Coyote. You know, it has been awhile since I had a full-on depressive episode. But this does feel a little familiar in ways, as described. I suppose it is possible I could be due for one. Usually, these occur in October and November for me. But last year, I became manic in October, so, maybe my schedule has turned all around or something.

I will keep tryin gto help myself. It is all we can do. Thank you.

I am sorry you are going through this rough patch. Times like you are describing lately can be so very painful and difficult.

Is this typically what depression looks/feels like for you?
I hope you feel better soon.

I'm meant to bhe having someone ring me today re a complaint.

but I have decided to turn my phone off and not speak to her

I've nothing to say to her today

I am feeling a bit bitter because I have had a post removed without any explanation (not from this site, somewhere else)

though I am annoyed, I have learned from my past mistakes: if I get all irate about it, I'm going to be removed and possibly reported

so going to try and act like it never happened and just continue like normal

Trying my best to stay clean and sober today. It's not even 8am and I'm already struggling. I talk to my (useless) therapist later this afternoon. I just wish I didn't exist