Bipolar check-in #46

Spikes, I am sorry you are struggling without the help you need. Have you mentioned to your therapist that all the questions are not helpful or that you want to work on other things? My therapist and I were sort of all over the place, but we recently directly discussed goals and I think that will help. Also, have you done any specific types of therapy like DBT? I think it's been shown to be helpful for some of the issues you mention, but I am not of course qualified to say what you should try. I hope you can get some better support.

Sorry about all that, BirdDancer. You may just be getting a cold or something. Or, it could just be bp stuff. Oddly enough--reading this--I spent nearly the entire day in bed. I was and am literally exhausted for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Cannot wake up, cannot get any energy whatsoever. Totally wiped. It happens. Be kind to yourself. It happens. Maybe you will feel terrific in the morning.

Full-blown mania is a psychiatric emergency. Do you live alone? Does your pdoc know?

Do not purhase anything, online or othewise. Do not email or text, except to those very closest to you who know about your illness--please. I highly, highly recommend not leaving home until the pdoc knows and you have a game plan.
Were you to leave home and make a terrible decision, well...

Being an expert in the matter, it takes about 30 seconds or so to completely destroy your careeer, family, and life, when fully manic. Praying for you.

@BirdDancer: Sorry to hear you are feeling down. I hope it passes quickly.

I slept well last night thankfully. I was expecting to have trouble but it was fine. I'm trying to stick to midnight for bedtime. I was inactive again today. I overate. I considered Overeater's Anonymous for the nth time. I attended an online meeting but it was disorganized with no leader and newcomers and a troll so i didn't stay. I'm very unhappy with my eating but with the pandemic on i feel now is not the time for sudden moves. Once IRL meetings resume i can attend again and seek out a sponsor. I definitely need help with eating healthy.

My mild depression continues. I enjoyed my dog today a couple times. Scrabble was disappointing again. I didn't talk to anyone again today. I haven't had a conversation in ages. I wouldn't know what to say.

It has been my experience of 4 decades working on it that attempting to find mood stability while drinking or using is not possible for me. Perhaps you are different. Sending you support and prayers.

Im sorry things are just not going well right now. There is 101 things going on that would knock anyone sideways and then add BP to the Mix

Just be honest with your Pdoc, Hes always helped you in the past.. start writing stuff down so you will have it when you talk to Pdoc and not blank out .

Your husband is a great man to agree to eat brownie that are probably like concrete

clear mind... nothing to do!

this weekend (like so many that have come before it) suck

What are you hoping/wanting out of seeing a T?

Often times a client and T dont mesh well is because its unclear what someone needs..

My sessions are almost always goal orientated, Like if I am just brutally beating myself up for something that I think is a flaw ....then we pick it apart and we get the root of the problem and then we find different coping skills to see if any stick and are helpful and if not we find more to try..

Sometimes seeing a Therapist is about giving a person a safe place to just unload there heads " word vomit" I call it.. Its often helpful to just unload our emotional baggage and then you and your T can decide together what to work on first.. Therapy can be a long term investment into yourself...You dont have just 3-4 things that need polished and your good to go. Therapy is hard work, But its worth it.. You can find hope, work towards finding more stability, Leaning more and more coping skills. Just because you can say you have tons of coping skills doesnt mean you can actually use them when most needed.

If it were me.... My next session I would just say something like " I am just not feeling like what we have been doing is working, Im having lots of struggle with X and I need help in finding ways to work on X...

You can voice that your unhappy with how your current therapy is going and honestly how can we expect someone to truly help us if they dont know exactly what we are struggling with?

Often it boils down to us having to be specific and ask for help for that.. One step at a time

I’m still working hard to out run my depression. It still works until about 5:30. I cook dinner for my family and then go to bed. I woke up at 10:30 yesterday and have been up since then. I’ve been back on Lithium for a week and a half so I don’t know what’s going on. Could be a lot of things.

I may have a problem with back taxes which isn’t helping matters. I’ll know more on Monday. My therapist helped a lot with my anxiety about it.

It feels like summer but I’ve not done any of my usual summer rituals. Getting ice cream and watermelon, going to Florida, going to the pool, buying masses of flowers. I plan on adding some of these activities soon. I’m sure it will help me feel better.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Thank you (and others) for the thoughtful responses
I want her to help me find stability. I want to work on trauma. Anger. Abandonment issues. Sobriety. Every time I bring these things up, she pretty much asks one question to understand better, then when I answer she moves on to something else (that I frankly don't give a damn about usually)
Maybe I'll write letters before therapy and read them to her. Maybe it is me that's screwing up with communication. I'm not the best talker so it probably is all on me. You're right, I do have to tell her whatever we're doing isn't helping.

Thanks so much for the care of this post. I'm being very careful. I have my wife who is really being good about being my sounding board on anything before I do anything. I'm reading out my emails to her before I send them, and she's in the background on facetime calls to family and giving thumbs up and stuff. I did call my pdoc and my tdoc when I realized it had clicked. over.

Thanks for the kind words of advice @bpcyclist. I don't have any friends. It was like arriving with my morning water to a friend's advice.

I’ve been doing pretty good. I think getting my period helped a lot. Although it wasn’t much of a period. I’ve been sleeping weirdly and my anxiety has been really off in the morning. So sometimes early mornings are rough. But I’ve been doing ok. I’ve been taking a lot of Xanax though. But my PMDD played a big role in how I was feeling for those 11 days.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this, Jennifer. I do really strongly feel that, if you can just find the juice to take a litlle action, you will feel a bit better. My former partner used to force me to go running with her during my big depressions. I could barely stand. But she knew it always made me feel better.

Look at some flowers. Some adorable toddlers with their moms and dogs. Smell the fresh, outdoor air. Go get that ice cream. Just make yourself do it.

Hoping you have a better day today!!!!!!!!

Okay, swimingly. Well, I am really, really glad you have your wife there. You might think about letting her have your credit cards and bank card for a day or two, just as an added measure. One time when I was manic, I snuck downstairs, got on the computer, and bought 6 guitars on ebay for $10K. When they started showing up, the Missus was not super pleased. Mania can often cause extreeeeeme sneakiness in some patients, so, just try to keep mindful.

Hope you have a great day!!!!!!!!

About the third day in a row of abject exhaustion for absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can identify. I get up in the morning, and then, within about an hour, I become weak all over, jelly legs, like when I had pneumonia thirty years ago. Except I don't have pneumonia. I don't think I am sick. Dunno. Can barely stand to even sit in my chair. Just have to go get back in bed. I have no idea what is wrong with me, but something is not right.

I am definitely anhedonic and blue, but that might be in part because I can't do anything. I have no interest in doing anything. Actually, no, I do, but I just feel so weird and crappy that I can't seem to do it, if that makes sense.

Hope everyone is okay. Love and hugs.

I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy! Did you have a covid test recently? (I seem to recall talk of it.)

It's hard to feel motivated and good when you can't really do anything.

I might be slightly better than before. Just kind of drifting through though with lots of conflicting thoughts. I feel like I want (and need) what I will never get. In so many ways.

Thanks, IZ. No, yeah, I had this crazy respiratory thing for months, but they would not test me because I never had a temperature or something. Can COVID just make you super tired?

Feeling bad... still. I just hope tomorrow is a better day because I am having difficulties staying positive and motivated.

I kind of want to take vacation time on Monday and Tuesday because I need to relax from all this bullcrap at work. I say Monday and Tuesday because most of my meetings are on Mondays and Tuesdays, so I would avoid those meetings. I don't want to talk to anybody.

Also, I slept horribly on Trileptal... again. It just keeps me awake. Great... So tonight, I get to "look forward to" more alone time with my thoughts while I stare at the ceiling. How exciting...

Hi all. I am feeling down and ruminating and obsessing more. Some of it is probably sadness and everything over current events, and problems in society. But, it might also be hormone related or depression. I am worried I am going to constantly be kind of sad, depressed, and emotional if I stay on this birth control. Yet, the idea of going back to monthly PMDD is also not great. I also feel like a poser sometimes because I seem like I function well enough mentally and physically to the world, and most people seem to quickly forget I have issues as a result. Then I feel like I just come off as lazy or like I don't care to be involved in things, but really sometimes getting through the day is tough. Although sometimes I question if that's true or it's just a mindset and really I should be able to do more.
I guess I need to keep reminding myself that I do a decent amount considering and that I've made progress. I just feel isolated sometimes from my peers and community and have for a long time. Although I do have some good friends, but most are in other states right now. Anyways, I sound like such a downer. Just in a weird mood. Sending compassion.

''looking forward'' to ... More.....Alone time with thoughts while staring at the ceiling. ugh. I hope that passes quickly. I absolutely hate it when that happens.

Love to All

yellow_fleurs, the term you used "poser" is a perfect choice for what you described. I have a tendency to "pose", too. It's especially a bad tendency if you do it in front of a pdoc or tdoc. It is really rough when it becomes a total surprise to others when you finally break down. So, I do relate to this, a lot.

bluebicycle, you certainly deserve a bit of vacation. My husband has been talking to his colleagues about how much they all want one, too. Are you still going into your workplace some or all of the hours? My husband has been working from home for ages, now. Hope you get some better sleep. I've been trying to think of some suggestion that might help. I take my Tegretol XR no later than 7 pm, and I'm fine with sleep, though I do take a hefty dose of Seroquel XR, too. Have you tried adjusting your evening dose timing? Maybe take it earlier?

Christina, thank you so much for your caring concern. You always have so much to give to others, even when you are struggling greatly. I hope your husband's health improves, shortly. When it does, you both deserve a nice vacation, as well. And I'm not thinking a long drive to Florida, unless that's what you'd actually want. I don't recall the place (Nashville?) but way back when you mentioned a vacation you and Steve took that was truly a real vacation. You need one of those big time, my friend!

I think writing a letter will be very helpful in getting you both on the same page and deciding on a goal.

I just want to throw this out there... It is virtually impossible to find any kind of stability if someone is drinking, abusing prescribed meds or street drugs , So there will be questions that she may need to ask but its something she needs to know to help her decide what is the best way to start to help you more effectively

Last night, I came up with an idea that turned out to be quite helpful, for hubby and me. I told hubby that we just had to get away from the house. The house is starting to become a prison, of sorts. I didn't want to go anywhere too usual, and yet not too very far, either. I lured him with the idea of a swim hole in Pennsylvania. His usual in NJ is closed because of the coronavirus. He suggested we hit the road early, so we literally got into the car by 7:30 am. Quick stop at Wawa for breakfast and lunch to go, and then on our way.

When we got to our destination, we found that there was no swim hole. Umm, I guess I remembered the park incorrectly?!?! Then we drove further on to a lake where we thought swimming was permitted. Again, no-go. In any case, the nature and weather was lovely, we distanced ourselves from the home environment, and did something far different than we've been doing for many months. It was good for both the brain and soul.

On our way home, we thought to stop at a touristy town in PA, coincidentally across the river from my childhood hometown in NJ. I naively thought the place would be comparatively quiet. After all, my current hometown in NJ is almost as touristy, and we've heard stories of a fox casually trotting across the main drag - few cars, or people, in sight. OMG! Was I wrong! It was packed to the hilt with people, seemingly rubbing shoulders to shoulders, with almost no one wearing a face mask. Restaurants there were all open, with packed outdoor seating (not sure about indoor), people not social distancing at all. Crowded at outdoor bars. It almost looked like a figurative orgy! We changed our minds about stopping there!

Oddly, the bridge that links the above-mentioned PA town to my childhood hometown in NJ was closed in one direction. I'm not sure why. Bridge work/maintenance? Or is NJ trying to keep the coronavirus petri dish, on the PA side, under some kind of control from oozing virus across the river? I can say that the restaurants in NJ are NOT open for dine in yet, including outdoor seating. Take out, delivery, or nada. Masks required when entering any establishment. When you don't, you often get told about it by staff or even other customers. Non essential shops are still closed. Barber shops and hair salons in NJ may only open again on June 22. [Yea, many of us are looking pretty shaggy in NJ!]

In defense of that PA town, the actual locals are likely mostly careful about covid-19. It's more the tourists flooding in that are careless. The restaurant owners don't even all live in the area, and are more than happy to rake in the shekels from the hoards who are clearly prematurely celebrating some "release" that may, in the end, backfire terribly!

Are you taking Trileptal at night ? If so can you flip it to Morning ?