Bipolar check-in #46

That does stink Blue. I'm sorry. Do you think it is worth a call to a manager to let them know what you found and see if they offer to make it right?

I agree you could mess things up after you take the bike away, but one ride shouldn't cause that kind of fray or gunk build up. They would be fools not to fix this and lose your business.

first day back to work....been 2 months off.(hospitalized 4 weeks and then IOP for 6 weeks.)
It is a clinic where I am set up in a room then they come to me, with covid 19 precautions in place I will just make it a quick trip for each of them. wish me luck to be able to physically do this. I am so weak.
bizi

I'm glad to see you back, bizi. All the best during this transition.

Yeah, I can try talking to the manager. Hopefully the manager isn't a scam artist who will defend their own sleazy bike mechanics.

Here's the chain gunk (and FYI, the chain should look shiny like stainless steel, not dirty like this):


and no, those aren't sparkles on my bike frame. That's the paint coming off. I'm not sure if it was from me riding in the mountains on dirt (i.e., rocks and dirt chipping the paint job), or if it was from them pressure washing it. I never checked before I brought the bike in, but I do recall there being slight dirt/mud on it when I brought it in.

Yeah hopefully they will address it. Most managers will work to avoid a bad review. You aren't being unreasonable. You aren't accusing them of being a sham. You're just pointing out the job and quality isn't what you agreed upon. That's always fair.

Pressure washing can definitely do that, especially if they used the wrong nozzle. Of course, as paint ages it strips under pressure regardless. I've blown paint off surfaces at low pressure, so it just depends. With something like a bike or a car I tend to err on the side of caution and use a regular hose and manual cleaning.

The chain does look gunky. It looks like maybe they took a pass and just didn't finish the job. Good luck with this.

You can rock a sparkly looking bike It adds character.

Still not feeling well physically. Same as yesterday; sore throat, dull headache, and utter exhaustion. No better, no worse. It’s been like this since Wednesday. The only other time I’ve been sick for this long is when I had that god awful sinus infection back in February. But the difference is I was very congested in my head. This time I have absolutely no congestion. So I don’t get it. I was supposed to go with RS to a small barbecue but I just couldn’t fathom driving down there (he had to go separately in his work truck).

I’m not going anywhere on the off chance that it’s a very mild case of coronavirus. I still don’t think it is because I don’t have a cough, a fever, or muscle aches. I’m very glad I work remotely. I don’t have to physically drag myself to work. Working remotely has been a blessing. I got through severe depression without having to take time off and now I can get through whatever this without taking time off either. Thank god.

On the plus side, not been very psychotic lately, I guess. Not sure what that is all about. I admit that psychosis is a mystery to me, mostly because, on some level, I still don't really believe it is my illness but rather, is me accurately perceiveing bad stuff in the real world. Insight problem, I guess. Surviving torture has really harmed my brain, apparently.

Not handling my business. Having a hard time remembering to take my meds, to eat, not even to mention, cleaning me and my place. Just realized I ran out of Abilify three weeks ago and never refilled it. I just forgot.

Very hard for me to remember what I am supposed to do, since I am all alone. There is just me and I can'r seem to remember. My partner used to help me with all this. Guess she probably did a lot more than I ever recognized. Should probably thank her for that one of these days.

I had a disastrous game at Scrabble club. Since then my games have been mostly stinkers. I felt desperate about not having a passion again so i decided to drink. I didn't really like being high. And now i can't sleep. So not worth it. I'd rather suffer boredom than this. And i think i can adjust my attitude with Scrabble anyways. Sigh! 4:00am. I'm keeping my dog up too.

Most people say they sleep well after drinking. Does anyone else react like me?

Hugs to all who struggle!

The Fibromyalgia/CFS is easing up a bit thankfully. This has allowed me to engage in more activity. I even managed to stay over my partners Friday night and socialise with one of his friends. I got mentally tired after a couple of hours but I didn't crash. Tomorrow I am having coffee with a girlfriend. We haven't caught up for months. In fact I haven't caught up with any friends, bar one, for months so I am really looking forward to it. Despite this improvement I still have to pace myself and rest regularly throughout the day. Today I managed a seven minute walk before I felt dizzy. Not much, but it is an improvement from barely making it to my letterbox before crashing.

Although I have improved, I am far from being ready for study, and definitely not work. My life is really boring. It is difficult to not fall into despair over my physical illness and significant limitations. Meditation helps me stay focused on the present and find some peace. If I think too much about the past or future I go into a panic. Deep down I am always terrified. I think it is PTSD related and only time in safety and mental health will heal it. Unfortunately, this fear makes me withdraw a lot when around people. My partner noticed it when I stayed over. I can engage for a while then without thinking about it I will suddenly 'check out' emotionally. I hate it. I feel like a cardboard cutout of myself.

I continue to bite the bitter (as Chinese say), when it comes to stress. Other than what I describe as a "tight fist twisting in my stomach", I have experienced intermittent anger/irritability as a result of a variety of things. My jaw clenching has increased, accordingly. Sometimes I taste what was a familiar foul flavor of infection, before my two root canals. I'm truly hoping that is my usual sinusitis and not new tooth issues. The latter would be beyond our means of dealing with.

My father is not coming home today. His stay at the assisted living facility is yet again extended. He never wants to return home. The sad reality is that neither of my siblings nor I even want him to ever return home. But of course money is an issue in all of this. If/when we can get him to a neurologist and psychiatrist, perhaps we can more easily fight to get his LTC insurance to pay something. He had a neurologist appointment set for tomorrow, but that is now delayed again because a) he could not return to the assisted living right away if he left there tomorrow, and then would be fully quarantined to his room for 14 days after, and b) it's likely the neurologist would reject him coming because there are still 4 cases of covid 19 at his assisted living facility (possible exposure).

Honestly, we don't know what to do right now, in regards to our dad. I told my sister that if the we never get his LTC insurance to pay and he never wishes to come home, that we might have to accept that all of his money, and possibly even his house/property will be eaten up over the next four years. There are cheaper assisted living facilities he could move to, but they may be far away. [A friend in Michigan runs a nice one for $4,000 per month, while the one near us in NJ is $8,000 per month.] "New Jersey and You, Perfect Together!" "What a Difference a State Makes!" [NJ state slogans.] He may not wish to move. Eventually, if all of his money/property is gone, Medicaid would kick in. At that time, he may have to move to a cheaper place. A nursing home. Who knows if he will even be with us by that point. If he does have dementia, it's likely he won't.

My husband and I feel the same about our current situation. We've started to dislike where we live and the struggles associated with it. We want to run away together, but for now we're trapped.

It was a beautiful day yesterday so I went to the park and set up by the creek. Very relaxing. I’m going back today and taking mom. The pool will open tomorrow.

I can outrun the depression until about 5:00 pm so I go to bed early and try again the next day. Hopefully, it will get better soon.

I’ve lost 64 pounds as of this morning so I’m thrilled about that.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Wow! Congratulations on the weight loss! That is great, Jennifer!

Have a lovely day!

I am feeling better physically, but that has just allowed me to feel worse mentally. I tried to sleep without seroquel last night but I was still up at 11:30 so I took it. Fell asleep, but snapped awake at 4:30am. I tried to go back to sleep, but to no avail. So I got up and went in the living room as to not wake RS. My eyes felt heavy around 5:30 so I tried to go back to sleep then, but couldn’t do I got up and ate breakfast.

But I am not happy or enthusiastic. I am irritable as all hell. I am pissed off because I still can’t stop obsessing over our wedding and when RS is going to propose. I know he is, we’ve talked extensively about marriage. But it could be months from now.

He said he wanted to wait until a year and a half, at least, if not two years. A year and a half just passed. He has hinted at it; like a couple of weeks ago he said he had something planned for me back in March but coronavirus ruined it. Then when he got his stimulus check he said he was going to spend it on a present for me, but then he turned around and spent it on truck parts. So it could be months or even a year. But I just cannot get it out of my head. I’ve been obsessively planning our wedding, looking at venues, looking for dresses, looking for accessories. Trying to figure out centerpieces. I can’t stop. I’m desperate to think about something, anything else. Because I dint even know if/when we will be getting married. And I pressured him into moving in with me because I was so desperate to get out of my house so I promised him I wouldn’t pressure him into marriage.

I want to quiet my mind. I want to be calm. I want to stop the obsession. I’ve been envisioning a stop sign to calm me down but I just can’t think of anything else to think of and I can’t stop thinking. It’s infuriating.

I went bike riding this morning with my parents on a local trail since I bought them new bikes not too long ago.

I have poor endurance, evidently... It's not a weight thing, but it's an "I have never exercised this much in a long time" kind of thing. Most of it was a steep uphill on the way back, so now I have jell-o legs!

I wish I took some pics this morning because it was absolutely beautiful outside! It was 59F or something like that. I know it sounds cold, but when you start working out, your body adapts to it. All I wore was the equivalent of a long sleeved under armour heat gear and then a thin cycling jacket.

My dad loves his bike so much that he wants to go again tomorrow and do another 3-4 miles (round trip)! I cannot do that, unfortunately, especially since the 3-4 miles is 50% uphill and I am POOPED OUT. We could park at a different part of the trail, but we don't know the trail well enough to know if it is steeper or not, but I do know there are lots of hills. So, I am just not gonna risk it with jell-o legs. lol.

Anyway, mood is good. Slept from 3:26pm until 5:57am. Yep, 14.5 hours. But I needed it after getting awful sleep the past week... You know, pretty much like 4am until 10pm working, except one day... for 7 days straight (since I worked all weekend long last week)!

@Jennifer 1967: Wow, that's just great about your weight loss! Bravo! Quite an accomplishment!

Totally in favor of sparkles... That said, if that is a filthy chain, I would love to see a spiffy one. Mine never looks that good. At least, during the wet months, that is.

Welp, clearly, something very odd is going on with me right now. I somehow decided yesterday that it would be a good idea to drink a beer. I don't drink. I am in recovery. For more than 12 years. Did not get drunk or go on any kind of a bender, but, it is very, very strange that I could ever, ever consider this to be a good decision. Just not really sure what is happening with me at the moment.

I had huge addiction issues in my younger days, mostly, I believe, when suffering from bipolar episodes not yet diagnosed or treated. Since being somewhat, well, at least, better, managed in terms of bp stuff, addiction has been a total non-issue. Easy as pie now. Impossible then. Cakewalk now. Until yesterday.

Oh well. Need to see my pdoc. I have really struggled over the past 9 months. Psychosis better at the moment, but still not totally stable, clearly. Weird. I am too weird.

I’m having really bad anxiety and changes in mood every few minutes. I have stomach cramps as well so this feels more like PMS. I’m holding off quitting my job until I see if I do get my period. I just feel so incredibly unsafe being at work right now. I work retail.

Congrats on your weightloss Jennifer!

Welp after getting up early for days in a row, now I woke up at 10:30 this morning BUT rolled back over and the next thing I knew it was FIVE! I got up and ate some spicey gumbo which was a shock to my tongue. With all that sleep I had some interesting dreams. I just hope I can sleep tonight. I have to get up and pay the bills and go to the pharmacy tomorrow.

I think I have pms. Doesn’t explain the insomnia and obsessiveness but does explain the mood swings and irritability. My periods are all screwed up from my prolactin swinging between high and normal thanks to haldol. It’s really late this month but I expected that because of high prolactin.

I have to catch up on this thread, so I’m sorry for not reading everything just yet

I'm sitting here and wondering why I was hearing my phone talk to me. It was turned off when I was hearing it talk, but I wonder if maybe my phone was picking up other signals and then amplifying them? The voices were mumbling, though, so I have no idea what the voices in my phone were saying.

I will say that I have had this situation before where my phone, laptop, or iPad amplifies sounds that I am normally not aware of. I guess my phone is like a loudspeaker of some sort that amplifies the hidden voices and hidden sounds.

Anyway, I am feeling really tired, so I am going to head off to bed. For now, I am just going to toss my phone in the (clean) laundry basket in hopes the clothes will mask the voices. I am tired of hearing voices come out of my electronics. It's annoying, but I am sure many of you can relate to this.

Blue I once thought i heard voices coming from n3's room. When I went to check it out he had some mass of wires and a small caseless speaker. It was a radio that was talking!

I am hopelessly behind on here.. Hugs to all that are needing them

So I've finally gotten a therapist, but it's only for 3 sessions per issue ("case") for free...and it's complicated. But I started last week and have another one scheduled for this week and I'm discussing marital stuff first. Then will work on more personal issues. It's stressful, but t seems nice and is accommodating to my needs.

In other news, talked with GP again. The main takeaway is he's increasing my Zoloft from 100 to 150mg daily to combat any extra anxiety as well as my OCD tics (BFRBs). I didn't even think of it during the session, and I'm not too worried because I've been symptom free for awhile now on Zoloft and even my "symptoms" were apparently not problematic, but am just giving a heads up to folks who know me/my situation that I might have some changes...if I really am on the bipolar spectrum. So kinda just a heads up and that I might be checking in more because of this.

In other news, I'm ever so slightly concerned ...no, i don't even want to say it. Let's just say that i've had a stye for a couple of weeks and have been fatigued past few days. Stye is a bit concerning because of it's length, but it gets better, but the fatigue is likely just PMS. (started my cycle 5 days early this month. wth?!)

Um...I'm going to start my own personal writing challenge tomorrow and for the month of June. The official CampNanowrimo is in July as it turns out, but I'm ready to go now. Might do both months, or might just do it this month and skip the official one. At any rate, my creative juices have been staying pretty good this whole year, so that's good. I've also been coloring in my Mandala coloring book.

Not really much else. I'm pretty boring and well, Covid doesn't help matters either. Just do a lot of tv and movie watching.