Bipolar check-in #47

You are not a freak! Not a freak. You are the opposite of monster.

I remember once my psychiatrist said to me "BirdDancer, only you and one other patient of mine, take so many medications." After he said that, I felt confused. The first thing I thought was that I must be sicker than maybe all but one of his other patients. And yet, on second thought, the look on his face was not of pity, but I think of possible disappointment in himself. Maybe he thought that HE wasn't using the right strategy to help me with my illness. Yes. I think that was it. Of course, not all psychiatrists may be thinking such a thing. Some just pile and pile and move on to the next patient. Or some may legitimately not know quite what to do. Sometimes they need to be challenged to think a little harder about the big picture. Hopefully, they will. If they won't, and the situation worsens or stagnates, it might be time to get a second opinion.

I'm just a patient, too, but I've learned to question my psychiatrist's decisions, at times. He respects that. With him, we've made great progress over the years, and are still working on more.

A lot of psychiatrists seemed to make wrong choices for my medications. In some of their defenses, it just isn't crystal clear what one patients needs as opposed to another. Trial and error. Working together is better than letting them make all choices alone. A good psychiatrist welcomes and considers feedback. Maybe they sometimes say "No", and that's OK, but only if they often say "Yes" after careful consideration. Careful consideration. That's true caring.

I think good questions for many to ask their psychiatrists are "What does each of my medications do?" and "Could one (or more) of my medications be working in a counterproductive way?" Having a clear idea of these answers can help make us feel more comfortable with our med cocktails, whether they include only one medication or even 10.

Thank you. I was only on 1200 of lithium, 15 of Zyprexa, and 300 of Wellbutirn XR at that time in 2012. My 'new' pdoc decided the way to 'figure out' if I really had bp 1 was to stop all my meds. Since I was in the hospital, she said it was safe. So, we did it. She did not taper much, just over a couple of weeks. Then, a few months later, I had a big recurrence. We started everything again and that was that experiment.

I worried about nausea but it didn't happen with this stuff. MiraLax and Gatorade with two tablets of bisacodyl . Last time I used golytely and it was awful. This is much better. It hasn't been bad, no nauseous feeling and no cramping. The whole is is ugh tho. Boy I would kill for a pizza right now. I've been a clear liquid s today and starving despite everything.

The 'ole man is alive and bothering the world.

Cheers.

That is a story I read a lot in my research. It was what my doc wanted to do with me. I am sure it has worked at sometime for someone, but it is incredibly risky and proves nothing.

Withdrawal symptoms for those meds include: agitation, anxiety, mania, psychosis, sleep trouble, restlessness, depression, suicidal thoughts, brain zaps, and a host of physical symptoms. Add all of that up and a mixed episode seems like a likely occurrence.

You moved quickly off all three. That is a really poor experiment and anyone who bothers to do the research needed to suggest that approach should know ahead of time what the likely outcome of such an 'experiment' would be. I'm angry for you

I’m having a good time in the mountains on vacation visiting my daughter. I’ve had some unfortunate withdrawal symptoms from leaving my benzodiazepines at home but we’re having a blast nonetheless. We’ve been hiking to waterfalls, swimming in mountain streams, watching sunsets and sunrises and traipsing through the woods in the dark to see congregations of fireflies. We’ve been very careful to maintain social distance as it’s packed up here right now.

Sending peace and love to all who are struggling right now.

Glad this was a bit easier, yeah its all awful tho.. Yeah I can go days with no food and not care ,,,but tell me I cant have anything but broth and non red jello?? Shyt I'm going to be starving.. Ahhh the hell we must go through

Hope you can get this over with and have that pizza

I’m having a good time in the mountains on vacation visiting my daughter. I’ve had some unfortunate withdrawal symptoms from leaving my benzodiazepines at home but we’re having a blast nonetheless. We’ve been hiking to waterfalls, swimming in mountain streams, watching sunsets and sunrises and traipsing through the woods in the dark to see congregations of fireflies. We’ve been very careful to maintain social distance as it’s packed up here right now.

Sending peace and love to all who are struggling right now.

Just had my emergency pdoc appointment. I've been so mean about her. She does know her stuff. She talked me down about everything I've been obsessing about. She had my original hospital diagnosis from 2015, and told me that I'm bipolar 1, and that even if I hadn't been diagnosed correctly then, I have presented many other symptoms since the hospital that showed that. So I finally have a name for it. Now that I do, I feel like I don't care anymore.

We upped my Trileptal considerably, though I have to go pick that up, and we lowered my Wellbutrin by half. I was pretty active in this call, but she knew what I was going to say before I said it. I told her about my experience on the highway, and she confirmed that I am not to drive during mania. I knew that from here, and from my fear of hurting my family or someone else, but it was nice to hear my doctor affirm my decision. She also told me that my experience on the highway with feeling that my hands were giant even though I could see they were not were just an experience of my mania, though she was glad that I brought this up. She wants me to tell her more of this. Over all... I think I have a better relationship with her than before.

I am not sure if I'm going to be around much today/tomorrow. Depression is setting in hard and fast, but I'm going to try because I think I need here.

Thanks for reading.

It's all over and I've had my pizza! They found and removed one polyp. Other wise everything looks fine no bleeding. I had both the scope down the throat and the colonoscopy. My ulcer I had is gone, so good news that. The nextum worked.no idea why I randomly choke and or vomit or why my hemoglobin is so low. The procedure itself went very well, wheeled me in and I was out like a light and then I was awake and it was all over with. Definitely much better than my first nightmare.

I have a feeling my sister drove mum a bit batty I think she cleaned, both of them are cleaning freaks who can't still. Mums wore out. My sister took mum card so she can get her a jitterbug phone. Mum can then join us on the phone and text!

Just had my emergency pdoc appointment. I've been so mean about her. She does know her stuff. She talked me down about everything I've been obsessing about. She had my original hospital diagnosis from 2015, and told me that I'm bipolar 1, and that even if I hadn't been diagnosed correctly then, I have presented many other symptoms since the hospital that showed that. So I finally have a name for it. Now that I do, I feel like I don't care anymore.

We upped my Trileptal considerably, though I have to go pick that up, and we lowered my Wellbutrin by half. I was pretty active in this call, but she knew what I was going to say before I said it. I told her about my experience on the highway, and she confirmed that I am not to drive during mania. I knew that from here, and from my fear of hurting my family or someone else, but it was nice to hear my doctor affirm my decision. She also told me that my experience on the highway with feeling that my hands were giant even though I could see they were not were just an experience of my mania, though she was glad that I brought this up. She wants me to tell her more of this. Over all... I think I have a better relationship with her than before.

I am not sure if I'm going to be around much today/tomorrow. Depression is setting in hard and fast, but I'm going to try because I think I need here.

Thanks for reading.

I’m having a good time in the mountains on vacation visiting my daughter. I’ve had some unfortunate withdrawal symptoms from leaving my benzodiazepines at home but we’re having a blast nonetheless. We’ve been hiking to waterfalls, swimming in mountain streams, watching sunsets and sunrises and traipsing through the woods in the dark to see congregations of fireflies. We’ve been very careful to maintain social distance as it’s packed up here right now.

Sending peace and love to all who are struggling right now.

It's all over and I've had my pizza! They found and removed one polyp. Other wise everything looks fine no bleeding. I had both the scope down the throat and the colonoscopy. My ulcer I had is gone, so good news that. The nextum worked.no idea why I randomly choke and or vomit or why my hemoglobin is so low. The procedure itself went very well, wheeled me in and I was out like a light and then I was awake and it was all over with. Definitely much better than my first nightmare.

I have a feeling my sister drove mum a bit batty I think she cleaned, both of them are cleaning freaks who can't still. Mums wore out. My sister took mum card so she can get her a jitterbug phone. Mum can then join us on the phone and text!

Doing pretty well My psychiatrist added metformin to my meds last month to help me lose the weight I've gained from APs and moodstabilizers. So I'm hopeful about that. We're going back to in-person meetings starting next week, same with my therapist. I talk to my therapist this Friday over the phone.

I'm trying to eat healthier, it's hard but I'm trying. I'm eating a lot more vegetables than usual so that's good.

Decided I'm going to start paying off my balance on my student account at my college so I can start taking classes again. Will take some time but I'll get there.

I keep thinking about a recent interaction I had with a friend recently while hypomanic when she was over my house, and it is making me cringe. It's not to the point where I have to apologize, but my behavior was erratic and impulsive. I even had a dream about that day. I wish I was able to let go of things, but it is part of my personality and anxiety problem to have ruminating thoughts. Hopefully I'll just forget about it soon enough to move on.

Have a good night/day everyone.

Had rant. Erased rant. That is all.
Trying to adjust attitude.