Bipolar check-in #47

I have never, well, seldom, discussed this here, but I have visual stuff all the time. Have since earliest childhood. The vestibular, had never even heard of it. Thanks so much for the links!!

There are some articles that also mix in occurence of seizures related to all of this I ran across. It came up in my research a while back when I was looking for a cause of the derealization, depersonalization and out of body experiences that were so heavy with my psychosis.

I constantly have fluid in one ear and have had vertigo symptoms in the past. It would be a wild ride if all of that was somehow a part of the perfect storm of mania I had...

Would not be shocking in the least. I assume you have read Brain On Fire?

No, but I lived it...

And it is ironic. I was spiritually, mentally and emotionally imbalanced at the time. Seems fitting my internal physical balance system would be jacked up as well.

I painted a bedroom in my house and replaced all of the sockets and light switch with more updated ones. My older son helped and he learned a little about electrical work. He also learned that it takes patience to work on some things.

I'm still anxious but my depression is not as bad as it was a few weeks ago. I'm still low but not as low as I was a few weeks ago, so that's good news.

I guage my depression level based on the PHQ-9 score. I'm moderately severe as oppressed to severe.

Phq-9 is pretty reliable and there are lots of online versions where they score your answers without submitting anything to the server so your answers and score are completely private.

Though I still don't have motivation and negative thoughts continue. But the good news is that I'm taking better care of myself.

So a mix of good and not so good but I'll take any good I can get at this point.

You might want to check it out, given what you have been through...

Slowly but surely, Scooter, slowly but surely...

My first creation as per Innerzone's suggestion. It looks sort of like a drawing. I did it in an app called SUMOPaint.

Fantastic, whatever!

Thanks. I call it "Portrait of the Artist as a Frustrated Scrabble Player."

That's pretty cool looking. Thanks for sharing

Hi there ! It's great to hear from you!

You're on my mind often. I frequently wonder how you are doing.

I was thinking of you, too, several nights ago, when several of us here were watching for the strawberry moon eclipse. We'd understood we would not see the color/eclipse here in the U.S. The moon itself, however was thought to be the largest of 2020 and was awesome!

I had also found an online observatory where people could watch the eclipse in real time. We had fun with it.

It's nice to get a chance to say hi!
Please take care Scooter!

Love and Prayers for You and yours!

Took the extra seroquel, stopped both antidepressants and, after she returned my call I learned I was supposed to take temazepam, a drug for insomnia. Took that at 7 like she said. Then I took 2MG of klonapin an hour ago and I’ve had the most I can have in one day. Still wide eyed. I think I’m going to climb on the counters just to jump off of them. I haven’t tried that since I was a kid. And I really want a joint. I havent smoked in over 20 years but I know I need one. I’m having trouble even processing the need for sleep because I think the devil wants me to stop moving...to stop dancing...to stop working. Not sure where to go from here.

Are you supposed to take more Seroquel if it doesn't work?

This is quite interesting! Nice job!
Thanks for sharing!

I guess Scrabble is not a suitable hobby for me. It's going to be tough to quit since i've been playing for twenty years. But i'm just I'm not tough enough emotionally to compete. I've actually tried to quit a bunch of times before. The first time i was so sure it was all over i donated my set to the club. And then went back and had to rebuy it all. I learned not to get rid of my stuff.

Playing is an unpleasant experience tho as often as it is a pleasant one. I'm tired of getting all torqued up on frustration. I spent the rest of the evening reading and had a much more enjoyable time and am feeling a lot better than after an evening playing with sky-rocketing and then plummeting emotions, tearing my gizzard out.

So i'll make another effort to quit but won't be too surprised if i'm unable to, yet again. It's my one toe-hold in the world and about the only thing that makes me interesting. Everyone knows me as "Scrabble Jane." It's nice to have a skill, however modest.

I don't know. Maybe this is the depression talking.

Anyways hugs to all who struggle...

You know, whatever, I was heavy into sports in high school, soccer and basketball. But I was so over-the-top competitive that it just bcame no fun after awhile. And I was actually fairly good at both sports. So, I quit them. I was much, much happier skiing or scuba diving for my sports. NRunning, biking, running rivers. Nature, peace, beauty. So, you might actually find that you do not miss it much after awhile. I never looked back.

I feel horrible still. My depression is stubborn and doesn't want to go away... but I do realize that it takes 2-4 weeks for Trileptal to take effect, so I think I will be dealing with this crap for a while.

I normally would take the day off today, but I'm supposed to have meetings with the new people I'm managing. It really sucks because I need to take another mental health day. I'm just spiraling downward day by day, feeling worse as time progresses. On the upside, though, at least I can see my therapist again this week (Friday). I think I will need this session so that I don't do anything impulsive.

Anyway, I'm going to try for a walk today. My therapist recommended going for at least 5-10 mins to see how I feel. She said if I don't feel good after 5-10 mins, then I can go back inside. However, she wants me to at least try walking, so I'm going to give it a shot. I doubt it's going to help, though, as I did do a short "walk" yesterday (like 1 min to my car) and I hated it because I was alone with my thoughts and nothing to distract myself with. But I have to give it a try anyway. I just don't have high hopes. Sorry for being negative.

I like to listen to music while I walk. Usually something upbeat. I skip downer songs as I tend to walk slower when they play. Maybe that would help? I think it is great you're willing to try.

When I first woke up this morning, I checked my email. My husband spent hours last night booking a European vacation for September, and sent me all of the confirmations. Of course it's not sure we will be able to go then, depending on the covid 19 situation, but it is booked. He purchased an insurance that allows for changes, if needed. Later, when he woke up, we argued a bit about the itinerary. Such ambitious itineraries are severely stressful for me, and usually result in me becoming at least hypomanic, but too often full blown manic, sometimes with psychosis. The latter happened about two years ago during a trip to Portugal. That trip was only in Portugal, but involved a lot of travel within the country. This planned trip seems potentially more stressful yet, involving three countries, though hubby avoided the need for connecting flights (all but one), which are extra horrible for me. The booked trip includes:

- Non-stop Newark, NJ to Paris, France (2 days) then non-stop on to...

- Barcelona, Spain (8 days, including road trips to the Pyrenees and Languedoc areas of France) then non-stop on to...

- Prague, Czech Republic (8 days, including hubby at dentist, visits to various friends, and a couple days staying with his sister in the country) then non-stop back to...

- Paris then immediately non-stop to New York City (JFK), which is a different airport than we flew out of from the US. New York is not on our itinerary. It's just the return airport.

Just like with the Portugal trip, I asked hubby if we could skip going to a real estate agent (in this upcoming case, in France), but he argued with me to the point of us raising voices. A real estate agent would be the ultimate trigger. He agreed that if he wants to do that that he go and I stay in the hotel/B&B. Obviously, when the time comes that we may want to relocate to CZ or FR, I will join him at looking for real estate, but not so soon. Sadly, the above trip is not that exciting for me because it equals so much stress. The only new areas to visit are Barcelona in Spain and the nearby regions in France. I'll see the first days in Paris as somewhat recuperative. We need not do touristy stuff there since we've both been there many times. The Czech Republic stuff is also not really vacation-like. It's possible that if we are able to make the trip, there still may not be large public gatherings allowed (i.e. concerts). That would be a relief, plus we plan to only bring carry-on luggage, and therefore wash and wear the same three to four outfits.

My mood is in an odd place. It's between hypomanic and feeling very miserable. Perhaps a mixed state right now. I already feel my adrenaline rising this morning, but the argument didn't help. I've been taking the morning Seroquel XR again already for three days. I almost also took PRN Seroquel yesterday, but held off. I am 90% certain that my daily Seroquel XR dose will eventually reach 800 mg. Right now it's 700 mg, without a PRN. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week.

We have a Robin that seems to really like my hubby and me. We think it is either the mama Robin or one of her month old, plus, chicks that had a nest in our rose bush. They saw us every day because the rose bush was near our front door. We used to talk to them to prevent mama Robin from flying away. Anyway, a Robin hangs out near our deck, in the back, all of the time. When we're on the deck, which is often since the weather has been nice, Robin hops nearby and stares at us and we talk to it. Once I even called out "Where is the Robin?" and sure enough Robin showed up immediately (flew to the end of our fence and stared at us, holding a worm in its beak) and we talked to it then, too.

I am sorry blue, this is rough. I hope getting out helps things a bit today.

I am sorry things are a bit rough for you right now, BD. I wonder a bit about an incipient mixed state, or something along those lines, possibly. Hopefully, your expertise in managing your Seroquel will rule the day and tamp this thing down before it creates a big problem for you. Praying for that today for sure.

Now, as for the trip, I have heard you laud your husband many, many times and he is clearly a very, very special person. Staying by your side through all your stuff? Incredible, I certainly have never found a partner remotely willing to do that for me. So, good for you on that one!! He is an absolute gem!!

And yet, this trip. I fear he may have allowed his own COVID restlessness/Europe love/homesickness/wanderlust/whatever to grab hold of him. He obviously knows about your history of being triggered during travel. Knows all about that. He treasures you and obviously would never do anything to jeopardize your health. So, his trip excitement has temporarily gotten the best of him, for some reason.

Very, very, very worried about all this for you. You don't want to be floridly psychotic and badly manic anywhere over there. I worked in the French and Spanish systems a ton over the years. They are not remotely like what you have available to you in southern NJ/the greater Philly area, where one of the finest medical centers on the planet is located. Or NYC, which requries no further explanation. Access to quality pdocs is a whole different deal over there. I know you know the Czech Republic like the back of your hand. Barcelona is my second favorite city in all of Europe (after London). Just magic. You will fall in love with it, guaranteed. But not if you are in the hosptital for three weeks. Or more.

So, no idea how you guys can discuss this or when that ought to happen, likely, not today, but quite concerned for you. Extremely, actually. I hope you can discuss it again, with him open to the possibility that this may not be very good for you. Having a giant recurrence, possibly spinning up some psychosis? It could take months to get that back under control. You know I became manic last October, it spun up a psychosis, and that required multiple failed med changes. did not get it much better at all until May!!! You don't need that. Please consider your brain health first and foremost in this. Being in Nice in the hospital for a month is not like being in Nice in a cafe in the sunshine, sipping an espersso or Merlot...

I traveled internationally for a living the last 5 years of my career. It was clearly, clearly closely connected to my illness. I was manic nearly continuously. All those crazy time zone changes had a big effect of me. No doubt about it.

Love and hugs!! Hope you feel better as the day progresses.

Managed to injure my back yesterday. Maybe the day before on the bike. It is in a weird place, a rhomboid maybe. Hard to move without engaging that group. Took a ton of aspirin. Old school. Maybe it will turn around.

Going to be out of one of my meds for awhile.. Not sure if I took more than I ws supposed to, or what. I installed that Medisafe thing, so, it reminds me now and tells me what to take. Hopefully, that will help me get more on track.

Not sure about the bike today with this back deal. May have to sit it out.

Maybe this weird spaciness will get better today. I keep just praying that this will be the day I turn the corner.

Hugs and love to all!!!!!!!!

I hope your brain clears of the spaciness soon, bpcyclist!

Would a cream or gel with arnica help your back? Voltaren is now also available OTC. It required a prescription, in the US, until just recently. A little of this stuff goes a long way. My husband uses both, often. He has various back pain issues and they help him a lot, especially well the Voltaren.

I'm a happy user of Medisafe, too, thanks to swimmingly. Pill boxes help to prevent accidentally taking more doses than you're supposed to.

I appreciate your input regarding the vacation plans. I don't know if I can get my husband to reduce the flight numbers/locations, but my refusal to participate in a "real estate day" is a start. He doesn't argue too much when I need a break day or bow out of some things, especially when it comes to seeing his friends in Czech Republic. Not sure if you always like my mini stories, but here's a funny one. I hope you (and any others reading it) won't find it disgusting.
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The first time my hubby (then fiancé) and I went together to Europe to visit his family and friends, and announce our engagement, we flew first to Amsterdam and had quite a time of it there. [No details to be shared.] We then headed towards Czech Republic, but would first visit a friend, and then two of his siblings, all of whom live in Germany. We spent the first night in Köln (Cologne, Germany), a beautiful city, and then drove to Mannheim, where we spent the second night with the mentioned friend. I had been drinking a lot and was nervous. He and his friend, and her husband, were speaking mostly only Czech. Any translations were the equivalent to those poked fun of in the movie "Lost In Translation" (good movie). The longer they talked, the sleepier I became. [It's hard sitting for hours not understanding.] It became painful! So I excused myself to go to the bathroom. There I allowed myself a "moment of rest" by bending over, while seated, and putting my head on my lap.

Suddenly, I heard a scream! It was the female friend, who then quickly called my husband, who came running to the bathroom. Apparently, I had fallen asleep in there for quite a long while, in that position. His friend, who assumed I had gone to bed, saw me on the toilet and thought I was dead. In a half-sleep, I was walked to the guest bedroom, and indeed then went to bed. You can't imagine how embarrassed I was in the morning, when facing his friends at breakfast. Of course I apologized, with the obvious excuse of extreme fatigue and continued jet lag. Truth is that I hadn't slept much at all until that night. I never could sleep on any flight.

The above is a true story.

You are not the only one to have fallen asleep on the toilet...