Bipolar check-in #47

Slept a crazy amount of hours today with the seroquel and then some Klonapin. Once again though, after the sleepiness wore off, I feel high as a kite and I’m not sure my sleep is going to recover tonight (I could be 100% wrong though). I know I am having loads of psychotic thoughts that I haven’t admitted to anyone, and I’m not sure if I should tell my pdoc or just ride the wave since she already made med changes. I think I might also text my t tomorrow to see if she can get me in on mon instead of tues, if I decide to talk to her about it that is. Most of the thoughts that I am having I can fight. I tried to telepathically transport to Hollywood and was unsuccessful and then later that same night, after it didn’t work, I decided I was going to buy a one way ticket there, knowing I would be cast in whatever I chose and make us millions and then my husband wouldn’t be mad. I had this thought most of the night while my husband was working and I built it up and built it up in my head but by the time my husband came home in the morning from work, fear and doubt took over. I’ve also been thinking aliens are taking over my body and some of my thoughts. I’ve been watching weird porn (that I would never ever watch of my own mind) because the (pardon the tmi) sexual pleasure and orgasm is indescribable. I know the desire and feeling is coming from sort of alien host. It’s been planting strange thoughts in my head too...weird things like wanting to lick my therapist and sometimes trying to dictate what I say.

I wish I knew how to express what I am going through. The thoughts are there but I cannot bring myself to type. Things are wild, but I am safe.

Mood is crap...

Sorry, child. Maybe it will turn around. Breakfast?

Haven't slept yet... Maybe we'll eat before we try to sleep again.

Might turn around after some sleep and food...

Hopefully

My anxiety has been really high since yesterday morning. I took 3 Xanax and a visteral. I slept with 20 pounds of weighted blankets. I took another Xanax at 3 this morning. And it’s still really really bad. Absolutely nothing is making me feel better. Not even the hundreds of dollars I found out yesterday that I’m getting back in taxes. I was worried I was going to owe this year.

Yesterday morning we went to the shore. It was beautiful until a couple triggers happened. Hubby had been sleeping most of the time after we took a nice long walk. The triggers got to me so much that I told hubby I was sick, which was true, psychologically, and that we needed to go home.

My mood upswing and monthly hormonal chaos were factors.

I had to go back to taking a morning Seroquel XR dose. It's getting out of hand.

Hi BirdDancer,

I am sorry you are not feeling well.
Are the triggers still bothering you this morning? I hope not.
I hope the Seroquel is helpful to you.
Much Love

Sounds like the Xanax isn't really doing it for you anymore. Do you think there might be any other options, maybe?

Thanks, Wild Coyote! They are a little bit. Sometimes it is difficult to stop thinking about them. When my thinking is like this, I replay stuff in my head over and over again with the unhealthy feelings remaining or taking off like gas poured on a fire. I do hope the extra Seroquel and some coping skills help. There are no good reasons for these thoughts to persist. Easy to say, harder to stop.

I am sorry I have not been as supportive as I would normally like to you and others. I am just hanging on to sanity.

I’m so unmotivated today although not particularly depressed. I know that if I would just put on my bathing suit and get to the pool I’d feel awesome. Just hard actually doing it. I got a lot done yesterday and went to the pool so this is temporary and situational. I’m doing ok.

Getting closer to vacation. It still feels strange missing the two weeks in Florida. Been down there every year since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I’m used to the mountains in late fall, not summer. I need to embrace new things and experiences. I’m getting to used to my comfort zone.

I send hugs, good wishes and supportive vibes to all.

@swimmingly, I want to tell you that already for a few days I have been using the Medisafe app you recommended. I like it. Thanks! Since installing it I have not forgotten any of my medications. It's funny, at first I didn't recognize the "alarm" on it. It makes a sound of a rattle. When first hearing it, I kept thinking that the little girl that lives next door was shaking a rattle over and over again. [We have no such rattlesnakes in my state ] Finally I figured out it was the Medisafe app reminder. Pleasant sound.

I’m so unmotivated today although not particularly depressed. I know that if I would just put on my bathing suit and get to the pool I’d feel awesome. Just hard actually doing it. I got a lot done yesterday and went to the pool so this is temporary and situational. I’m doing ok.

Getting closer to vacation. It still feels strange missing the two weeks in Florida. Been down there every year since I was knee high to a grasshopper. I’m used to the mountains in late fall, not summer. I need to embrace new things and experiences. I’m getting to used to my comfort zone.

I send hugs, good wishes and supportive vibes to all.

I am depressed and very, very angry right now. I do not know why I am so angry, but I am. I smashed and threw a couple of things because I was so pissed off. Everything agitates me and then I lash out.

I am doing some reading to keep me calm, and so far, it's working. Well, kinda.

I want to go back to bed, but I realize that it's not a good idea to sleep when depressed. The reading is making me really sleepy though. I don't know how much longer I can read at this rate...

I am also running out of food in my place, so now I have to do grocery pickup or something. I am trying to limit myself to one meal a day so that I can have enough food to last me until I am able to snag a grocery pickup "appointment." (I haven't exactly tried to snag an appointment yet though.)

Yesterday morning we went to the shore. It was beautiful until a couple triggers happened. Hubby had been sleeping most of the time after we took a nice long walk. The triggers got to me so much that I told hubby I was sick, which was true, psychologically, and that we needed to go home.

My mood upswing and monthly hormonal chaos were factors.

I had to go back to taking a morning Seroquel XR dose. It's getting out of hand.

I’m wondering if it may just be situational anxiety. I go back to work on Tuesday after not being there for 3 months. Plus the whole transitioning thing and work. I was also reading some stuff last night about possible changes in laws regarding the LGBTQ community that got me going. And all the hoopla with my therapist and the emails yesterday had me upset.

I think once I get to work on Tuesday and actually see what I’m getting into, my anxiety will hopefully lessen.

Most of the anxiety I deal with is anticipatory anxiety.