Bipolar check-in #47

Oh, man, Beyond--bats totally freak me out!!!! I hope you get it sorted out soon.

Hi everyone, checking in.

I haven't had much to say that I felt would be of value. I might make a post about some of this.

Crap mood.

Hugs

Welp... I am still feeling pissed and depressed, just like yesterday. However, I am more pissed than depressed. I am also becoming increasingly violent and I am being mean to my mom and dad. I'm not trying to be mean towards them, though. I just have zero patience right now and even the smallest things makes me angry. I'm like a ticking time bomb.

My parents want to talk to me, but I can't talk to them for more than a few minutes because I get agitated and want to be by myself. I usually cut them off by saying some BS like, "ok. I have to do some work now, so I'll call you later?" Then I never call them back because I am pissed off, but not necessarily towards them. I'm just trying to stop lashing out on people.

I need to call my therapist for help with my agitation, so I'm going to leave her a voicemail soon. I'll mention that I talked to my pdoc and that I need something to help in the interim while Trileptal is doing its thing.

I am glad you are recognizing the positive things you did. Watching the boats at the beach sounds lovely, and I am sure your sweet doggie was happy about the walk.

Sending you well wishes that your depression will fade away quickly.

xRavenX, it is nice to see you post. I hadn't seen you around as much for a while. I'm glad that you are aware of what's happening with your mood and that you can get sleep with your medications. It's a funny coincidence. Last night I dreamt that I went to a hair salon after not for so long because of covid 19. There all women were getting their hair colored very unique colors. I even considered a vastly different color, as well, though just in my dream. Actually, I am thinking of going a bit lighter.

I am sorry that people are criticizing your new look. As long as you like it, or grow to, that is what matters. Perhaps they will grow to like it more over time. I'd like a bit of a change, as well. Hair changes are luckily never permanent. Please just be careful to avoid anything that would be, when in an episode.

Been worried about you. Keep in touch. I don't know how to send PMs, only to reply to them, so I haven't figured out how to check on you

I’ve been having really bad physical anxiety for a few days now. Like chest tightening, racing heart, shortness of breath, bad feeling in my stomach, etc. but my mind is fine. So I’m not sure what’s going on. I wish I had klonopin to take the edge off. I can’t ask for it though without sounding like I’m drug seeking. At Least not with my IOP dr, I don’t know him well enough. My regular pdoc has no problem with it.

I really want to quit IOP. Like, I’m fine now, I don’t want to sit around and listen to everyone and then learn a “skill” that I already know. I dunno. I’m going to tell my IOP therapist after I get my meds refilled.

I'm sorry you're having such anxiety, wildflowerchild. I fully understand the physical symptoms that can often come with it. I also know frustrations relating to IOPs, especially when you want to return to your private pdoc. I even used to see my private pdoc during the periods I was in IOP. My private pdoc didn't prescribe while I was in IOP, but I still at least had an extra supporter during the time.

Are you certain the IOP pdoc wouldn't give you a Klonopin prescription? I know that I have had an IOP pdoc give me one in the past. And this is with him knowing that I had a history of alcohol abuse. If you're willing, there's no harm in asking. The worst that could happen is for your IOP pdoc to say no.

So good to see you again, Raven!!

I can relate. More than one person has commented on my "phases". Two, actually, in that specific way -- my mother (whom I don't speak to --toxic, and my ex-h). Neither commented in a positive way. Raspberries to that! All that matters is that YOU like it! I bet you look great.

Irritability sucks. Do you think a med adjustment might do the trick? Though it wasn't initially prescribed for it, I found gabapebtin calmed my *** down considerably. Definitely less prone to irritability. Like a lot. Just something that works for me, everyone is different of course.

I hope it calms down for you quickly.

I hope this calms down soon, blue.

What is physical anxiety and what is non-physical anxiety?

Do you hva history of issues taking benzos as directed? I did not know that.

I hope you feel btter soon.

Slept okay. Lots of weird dreams. But I feel okay so far. Just getting going barely.

Not much to report here. Did a little work yesterda, so, better than nothing, I guess.

Couldn't tell you what mood state I am in. if our nation's security depended on it. Leaning depressed a bit, I guess? So odd for this time of year. Always manic this time of year, historically. Seems to be quite different this year. Huh.

So happy about that Supreme Court decision on LGBTQ rights. About time. If we ever do lose an independent judiciary to an authoritarian, it will be the end of this democracy and this experiment and there will be a civil war. So, very nice that we don't have to do that. For now...

Hugs and love...

My therapist just returned my voicemail message. She said she didn't have much time to talk about the anger and depression today (she only had like 2-3 mins), but that I could set up an earlier appointment. So, I set up an appointment early tomorrow morning because she had a cancellation. I think that's a good compromise. However, I'm feeling so bad that I said I wanted to keep my Friday appointment too. So, I guess I am seeing her 2x this week. I feel kind of guilty seeing her 2x in one week, though. I feel like that is putting a lot of pressure on her, but I'm going to try to make the most of those two sessions.

Thank you very much. I started to make amends with my family today over a few things by calling my mom. It will take a little while, but it's a start. That's good that gabapentin helped calm you down. I have been on gabapentin in the past, and it made me a little dizzy, but I will bring up some of my issues to my pdoc about a possible med change.

Thank you. It's nice to be back, and I plan on posting here more again. That's interesting that you had a dream of going to the hair salon!!

Are you sure they didn't automatically cancel your second appointment when they made the first? Ive had that happen.

I was scheduled to go back to work tomorrow. I was up this morning and I had taken a shower because I was going to take the cat to the vet. I got a call at 7:30 from work asking where I was because I was supposed to be there at 7:30. Um. I was told twice Tuesday the 16th. I called back and the manager said “no worries. Can you come in?” I figured since I was already dressed and showered and I said I’d only come in once a week it was better to get it out of the way instead of dealing with another 24 hours of anxiety and worry. I clocked in at 8:16. So it wasn’t a huge deal.

So I got to work and everyone was super nice and happy to see me. They didn’t seem to notice anything different. They were all wearing masks. But the social distancing was disgusting. Everyone was still crowding in the back room and not paying much attention to the 6 foot rule. At one point they had to send someone up front because they had too many people in the back and they were getting concerned. That shouldn’t have happened in the first place. The store itself when I left was pretty crowded with customers and I feel kind of unsafe working there. But it is only once a week so I don’t really know what to do...

I do feel glad that I’m getting back to normal. Or at least it feels like it.

All the therapists here are contractors: they set their own hours, how long they want their sessions to be, when they take vacations, and what days they want to work. You can call the front desk to ask them to make or cancel an appointment for you, but they will say that they can't do it because the therapists decide everything themselves. So my therapist has control over her schedule and everything. She is the only one to touch it. The only therapist I had who intentionally cancelled my appts without my consent was the dumb b_tch who came crawling back to the office after she quit. (And yes, I hate her f***ing guts.)

Thank you for mentioning this victory!

The court ruling is a huge and a wonderful win for the LGBTQ+ community! Title VII of the Civil Rights Act has needed a ruling and the court's decision is fantastic! It seems strange to feel like any group of people needs a Supreme Court ruling in order to be afforded the rights afforded others.
Nonetheless, this is cause for celebration!

I am, on the other hand, both sad and angry.
Just this past Friday, 06/12/20, this administration introduced a rule which erased the non-discrimination protections in healthcare for the LGBTQ+ community. The "rollbacks" reach back and beyond the protections put in place by ObamaCare. Many are concerned some members of the LGBTQ+ community now may not seek care when needed during this pandemic.

I cannot imagine ever thinking it's fine to erase these rights. The simple enactment of this new rule of exclusion was bad enough. The hostilities toward our LGBTQ+ friends and family were also demonstrated by announcing this new rule during June, which is Pride Month. The administration chose to add further insult to injury by announcing this rule on the 4 year anniversary of



I find some solace in the fact that the Human Rights Campaign has announced they will file suit to reverse these recent exclusions of equal rights in medical care for the LGBTQ+ community.

Equality and Love to ALL!

Edit: I had noted the wrong date .

Hang in there, Raven.

Very encouraging, MD. Let's hope you can keep this going.

This president and his sycophants will not stop until all the non-white, non-straight, non-male, non-Ivy league grad people are all locked up. I fantasize about being able to time-travel them all back here in, like, sixty years when much of our entire nation is of some type of mixed race. I would love to force them to witness that beautiful thing. It would be good for them.

Hopefully this regressive, Stalinist rule will be crushed in the courts. The fact that, after all McConnel did to prevent Obabma's nominee to even have a vote, it was their love child, Gorsuch, who wrote the opinion is just way too hilarious for me. I cannot stop laughing...

I’m sending respect to all

I mean, when I’m anxious about something, I don’t always get the physical symptoms of anxiety like I described. I know why I’m anxious and I can try to control it and I’m not that bothered by it. However when I have anxiety in my mind AND the physical symptoms, it’s very hard to get back on track without some sort of benzo. I feel like I can’t breathe and my heart is pounding, and I just get this feeling of dread that wells up and squeezes my heart. I can’t describe it that well.

But for the last few days I’ve only gotten the physical symptoms and can’t for the life of me figure out why I am anxious. There is nothing in my mind that is making me anxious.

And no, I don’t hAve a benzo problem. I began to have a fondness for Ativan once and I stopped taking it immediately because I absolutely did not want to become addicted. Klonopin doesn’t make me high like Ativan did.

I just feel awkward asking because I always think they’ll assume I’m drug seeking. Same thing for pain meds. I suffered horrible back pain and refused to ask for pain meds until they were offered to me because I didn’t want to seem like I was looking for them. Btw, they don’t work for me anyway as it turns out so the point was moot.

Good post