[Yenfen]

Hello! I'm fairly new here, and this is my first post haha. I'm a - nearly - 16 year old guy from Canada, and though I am going to therapy, I feel like I've been incorrectly evaluated. With Covid-19 and the lack of psychiatrists/mental health professionals in my area, it's practically impossible for me to get a second opinion. I'm jobless as well, and cannot afford therapy. I waited a good year and a half to get a one-time session with a psychiatrist who I believed misdiagnosed me, and now with my therapist, she just won't listen to my concerns. I'm afraid I might have BD(Bipolar Disorder; unsure I or II) though I don't have access to many health services where I'm from. Of course asking a forum of random people really isn't gonna help, but I want some advice from people struggling with the disorder, and if they can tell me if I should be worried about my symptoms, or if I'm just overthinking them. Even people experienced in BD I'd like to hear an opinion from, because at this point I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm gonna guess I've been experiencing symptoms since the beginning of 2019, though my memory is fairly bad, and only since March have I been documenting my moods and thoughts to judge for myself and bring to therapy for a professional to look at, though I haven't done that yet(I feel too judged by my therapist). I won't be getting into specifics with my own personal life, but in short I went through a period of time where I felt almost out of touch with myself/not in control. I managed to put myself in a group home, spiraled into risky behavior(Primarily sexual-wise and drug-wise)and just couldn't get back on track for a good two to three months. I felt unstoppable, and even as bad as it was, it was the best point of my life. I felt so on top of the world, I was away from my parents, I was so diligent in everything I did.. I was incredibly violent sure(I was suspended 4x from January-June, while having no previous history of violence before)but I never loved myself more. I was in a Grouphome from March 11th to April 18th, and after pulling another stunt, I was back in by May and out in August after everything had calmed down. During those times I was engaging in sexual activities with two random people, I was constantly spending all the money I had, I was ecstatic 24/7 and constantly taking risks.. I can't remember a lot of what I did or what I felt on a day to day basis, but during those days I was really convinced my life was completely amazing. That I couldn't go downhill. Prior to this point I was in a fairly dark place in contemplating suicide back in December/January, but everything just abruptly picked up. I had so many ideas(i.e my plan in calling the cops, exposing drug use in the home, gathering evidence in convicting them)and all of them worked. It completely destroyed the family and even now my relationship with my mother is poor, but I didn't care. In August things died down enough that I finally agreed to come home, and for the next following months, everything was fine.

Unlike the beginning of 2019 where my marks plummeted by 10-15%, I was back on track again by September. I was back into my academic classes and I was scoring 80's and above, and all in all I felt content. Not happy per say, but proud with where I was. Up until December I'd say I was alright, but that's when things started dropping. It got to the point where I agreed to start taking my antidepressants again(I refused to take them in the summer of 2019 after believing I was, "Cured" of all my ill thoughts), and right then, it felt like everything downspiraled. I can't remember why, but less than two weeks I stopped taking them, which surely wasn't enough time for them to set in but I just thought things were too pointless to even try. From March to now I've been limboing a lot between the highs and lows, and though they aren't as severe as 2019, I can't take it anymore. I had a job from October 2019 to just about last month, though after hitting an abrupt rock bottom with no meaning, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't even get up to shower, and soon enough day after day was passing and I couldn't show up to work. Sure physically I could, but mentally? I was putting myself down everyday, and it got to the point where I couldn't even have a conversation without feeling strained. Blips like this appeared for 1-2 weeks at a time, and though I had the rare moment of hyperactivity(Excessively working out in the basement, feeling, "Wired" and getting 2-3 hours of sleep daily for close to a week, feeling excessively energetic and talkative, etc) they always followed with a severe drop. All of my days of finishing up my course portfolio in one night, editing for hours relentlessly, hyperfocusing on tasks and cleaning up the whole house just because I could.. Gone. It's so heavy and it begins with a small nagging feeling in my chest, and overtime, it just blossoms to something much more. I was stable for a good 3-4 weeks, but since Friday, I've been hit with another one of these episodes. It's gotten to the point where I'm contemplating self harm and suicide again, though I haven't relapsed since stopping in mid 2019. I bursted out in tears yesterday over being too inconsistent to possibly keep a job(which I abruptly quit during one of my deep drops), and as I thought about my interest in being a psychiatrist, I beat myself up to the point - mentally - that I just didn't see the need to even try anymore. Ever since Friday I've been hardly eating and I just can't stop all of these negative thoughts, and at this point, I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I've tried to voice my concerns with my therapist, though I was told I meet the criteria for BPD. I was evaluated a bit over a month ago, but that personality disorder just doesn't fit me. I don't see things in black and white, I don't have a fear of abandonment, I don't self harm or binge eat.. I've tried to tell my therapist that my moods just seem to come out of nowhere or with very minor triggers, but she doesn't believe me. I've asked her to give me a second opinion, but she says she doesn't believe in labels. I'm scared that I'm gonna hurt myself or go through another erratic phase like I did in 2019, but I'm too afraid to say that to my therapist in case she sends me to a psychward. I know it may be irrational, but I have had periods of paranoid delusions where I assumed she was going to break into my house and take me there after my psychiatrist set her up just so I could tell her all my secrets so she could use it against me. If anyone needs more information on my moods(I have been recording it since March) I'd be happy to share it, but I just want someone experienced with the disorder to either tell me if I have it or tell me if I don't. No I'm not looking for a diagnosis - getting a diagnosis from a stranger off of one forum is a bit irrational - but I just want someone to tell me if I should be concerned with all of this. I've been overthinking 24/7 and though I limbo between thinking I have the disorder to being convinced I 100% don't have it, I just want a second opinion. I want an outsider's point of view about all of this.

[bpcyclist]

So sorry, Yenfen. You have really been dealing with a lot of stuff. Of course, noone here on PC can tell you what illness(es) you may or may not have, that is the job of a psychiatrist and I highly advise you to find one. If you are in an isolated part of Canada, you obviously may have to travel to Edmonton, Calgary, Vancouver--whatever is closest to you as an urban center.

All that said, I will just share my personal reaction to what you wrote, as a person with bp 1 for decades. Some of what you mention does sound a bit bipolarish, the sleep issues, the energy, the ecstatic mood, the irritability. A little familiar. The length and density of your paragraphs and the overall length of your post? Also a tad bp 1ish. Maybe. But the violence, that is very, very seldom a part of bipolar 1 or 2. Very rare. Agitation, hell yes. But violence? No.

Bottom line for you is, you are not going to get a quality answer without seeing a quality psychiatrist, in my opinion. Could you have borderline personality disorder? I have no idea. I guess you could have features of it, maybe--but you must get a real opinion as soon as possible to really sort this all out.

Obviously, I do not need to tell you that acts of violence can destroy someone's life and yours. It takes less thatn 5 seconds to completely ruin your life and the life of a bunch of other people. Maybe two seconds or so. So, I urge you to get a formal, real opinion now, so you can avoid such a disaster.

Good luck to you!!!!

[Gabyunbound]

Firstly, I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain.

I do think diagnosis is important because that will, to a large extent, determine your treatment. For example, if you have BPD, your treatment would be less about medications and more about controlling your mood lability and behavior with DBT. I strongly suggest you find your way to a psychiatrist so you can be evaluated.

I'm curious if your violent episodes are related in any way to (i.e. as a reaction to) any difficulties with relationships. This is a major feature of BPD (not necessarily violent reactions of course, but exaggerated ones). You say your episodes come out of nowhere, but I wonder if your therapist is concluding that they're coming from relationship issues.

Of course we can't diagnose you here, I'm just curious about the above. Could be BP, could be BPD. I hope you're able to find a psychiatrist and that you find peace.

[Travelinglady]

Hi, Yenfen, and welcome to Psych Central! As the other folks said, we aren't qualified to diagnose. However, I will tell you that BPD and BD can go together. I was diagnosed with both.

What meds were you prescribed?

I agree that you need a second opinion by a psychiatrist. Meanwhile, we care, so keep in touch and feel free to keep posting here.

[Yenfen]

Hello! Thank you everyone for replying. I of course don’t expect someone on here to sit me down and tell me whether I have the disorder or not - Self diagnosing or being diagnosed by someone who isn’t a mental health professional isn’t reliable - but I’m just worried about whether what I’m experiencing may be signs of BD, or if I’m just overthinking things. I’ve been told it is possible to have BPD and Bipolar(My heart goes out to those people), though I just feel like my BPD diagnosis is wrong? My main concern is the treatment process difference between BPD and BD, and my fear stems from entering into a manic episode in the future because I was put through DBT instead of being medicated. Now I don’t know if I have BD, and though it would be great to get a second opinion, I don’t have the means to do it. Not anytime soon, anyway. I’m in a very small and unpopulated part of Canada where our health services aren’t the greatest, and it may take me upwards of a year to even get a second opinion, and I’m just too scared to wait that long, y’know? Of course I can’t sit here and say with 100% confidence that something bad will happen, but it’s the thought of it that’s terrifying for me. I have people in my family with the disorder(which I believe is on both sides, though it might just be my mother; she has a brother who is Bipolar) and it’s scary even thinking that I might have it, too.

Also at the moment I am taking 0 medications, though I have taken Escitalopram(Lexapro) in the past, all before I made the choice to stop taking them because I believed that I was just a hopeless cause/I didn’t need them anymore(stopped taking them twice for different reasons). Yes I know it was a poor choice to make and I should of consulted my doctor, but I can’t quite change that now.

I also deeply appreciate all of you replying to this forum; I just don’t know where to go or what to do? Online therapy may be a problem cash-wise(My family isn’t that financially stable, and as stated above I am out of a job) but if someone has access to a psychiatrist/mental health professional online or good therapy sites that I can get a second opinion from, I’d be really grateful to hear about it. I can also try and describe my moods/why I think I might have the disorder if someone wants more insight, and to better see for themselves if I should be worried about it, or if I should just not worry about it(Yet again not asking for a diagnosis; just an opinion on whether or not I may show symptoms of BD, and if I should be worried about it). Thank you!

[Yenfen]

Oh! Also in response to Gabyunbound over asking whether or not my instances of violence were related to relationship issues, I'd have to give a yes and no answer for that. In detail I wasn't prominently violent in the past(I had maybe one or two fistfights; nothing too drastic), though in 2019 I was in a fairly bad place, and after recently coming out of the closet, I was faced with a lot of backlash, not only home-wise but school-wise as well. I never targeted my anger towards any of my friends(though I could get immensely irritable, and would abruptly stop talking to them over either feeling too tired to continue a conversation, or too agitated to the point I was afraid I was gonna snap and possibly jeopardize our friendship), but people that I hardly knew who would make homophobic/derogatory comments were who I targeted. I was a quick fuse, and in the time of winding up in a Grouphome, there was just a lot of triggers for me that would entirely set me off. At that time I was eccentric sure and though I made a lot of poor decisions(that I do deeply regret) I still remember just feeling so amped that I didn't care. I just assumed I could beat anyone up if I wanted to, that I was a big, "Intimidator" in school, that I had everything together and by taking control of my own life by moving out I could just focus on myself and strive to work towards a job and multitask with school. I sadly can't get into detail on what I felt on a day to day basis(I've only recently started documenting my moods for a couple of months)but that's the gist of what I felt during my immense aggression, and I have not felt that boiling rage in close to a year now. The last physical altercation I had was in May/June of 2019, and since then I haven't had any more instances of blackout rage, though I still can get pissed off to the point where I have to leave a room to collect myself. My family has a past of anger issues and I've always been encouraged to solve issues physically - which I of course have registered as a bad thing - so who even knows if that's a symptom of mental health or if it was just the way I was raised? I've thankfully gotten a better control of it and after experiencing the outcomes of fighting I have been more self restrained, but I'd be lying if I still didn't have the deep irritation that I once did, because I still do. At least now it's a lot more toned down.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Yenfen

Hello! Thank you everyone for replying. I of course don’t expect someone on here to sit me down and tell me whether I have the disorder or not - Self diagnosing or being diagnosed by someone who isn’t a mental health professional isn’t reliable - but I’m just worried about whether what I’m experiencing may be signs of BD, or if I’m just overthinking things. I’ve been told it is possible to have BPD and Bipolar(My heart goes out to those people), though I just feel like my BPD diagnosis is wrong? My main concern is the treatment process difference between BPD and BD, and my fear stems from entering into a manic episode in the future because I was put through DBT instead of being medicated. Now I don’t know if I have BD, and though it would be great to get a second opinion, I don’t have the means to do it. Not anytime soon, anyway. I’m in a very small and unpopulated part of Canada where our health services aren’t the greatest, and it may take me upwards of a year to even get a second opinion, and I’m just too scared to wait that long, y’know? Of course I can’t sit here and say with 100% confidence that something bad will happen, but it’s the thought of it that’s terrifying for me. I have people in my family with the disorder(which I believe is on both sides, though it might just be my mother; she has a brother who is Bipolar) and it’s scary even thinking that I might have it, too.

Also at the moment I am taking 0 medications, though I have taken Escitalopram(Lexapro) in the past, all before I made the choice to stop taking them because I believed that I was just a hopeless cause/I didn’t need them anymore(stopped taking them twice for different reasons). Yes I know it was a poor choice to make and I should of consulted my doctor, but I can’t quite change that now.

I also deeply appreciate all of you replying to this forum; I just don’t know where to go or what to do? Online therapy may be a problem cash-wise(My family isn’t that financially stable, and as stated above I am out of a job) but if someone has access to a psychiatrist/mental health professional online or good therapy sites that I can get a second opinion from, I’d be really grateful to hear about it. I can also try and describe my moods/why I think I might have the disorder if someone wants more insight, and to better see for themselves if I should be worried about it, or if I should just not worry about it(Yet again not asking for a diagnosis; just an opinion on whether or not I may show symptoms of BD, and if I should be worried about it). Thank you!

I am very confused by your healthcare system. A year?

How far are you from the border? When it opens again, it might well be worth it to head down and see someone here in whatever city is closest to you, Detroit, Seattle, whatever. Might actually be worth the expense. Just another thought..

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc Yenfen

Having to wait a year for a second opinion... I don’t really have a polite comment for that length of a wait. Thank you for sharing here with us. Feel free to keep posting

[Yenfen]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

I am very confused by your healthcare system. A year?

How far are you from the border? When it opens again, it might well be worth it to head down and see someone here in whatever city is closest to you, Detroit, Seattle, whatever. Might actually be worth the expense. Just another thought..

I'm not too far from the border; say it'd take me longer to drive to Ontario versus to cross into the USA. I haven't considered crossing into America for a second opinion, but now that you've brought it up, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. Where I am in Canada health services are incredibly few and hard to come by(It actually took me a year and six months to have my first psychiatric evaluation, but that only lasted one hour and it was over call, and I was abruptly diagnosed with BPD), and waiting another year just doesn't feel right for me? I'll 100% think about travelling out of province for a second opinion, whether that be to another province or to the USA. Thanks for the suggestion!

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by Yenfen

I'm not too far from the border; say it'd take me longer to drive to Ontario versus to cross into the USA. I haven't considered crossing into America for a second opinion, but now that you've brought it up, it doesn't seem like a bad idea. Where I am in Canada health services are incredibly few and hard to come by(It actually took me a year and six months to have my first psychiatric evaluation, but that only lasted one hour and it was over call, and I was abruptly diagnosed with BPD), and waiting another year just doesn't feel right for me? I'll 100% think about travelling out of province for a second opinion, whether that be to another province or to the USA. Thanks for the suggestion!

Sure. If I were in your situation, it is what I would do. A year is just not reasonable. Sorry you are in that situation.