[fern46]

What have you given up for the greater good? After a second episode I learned more about what triggers me. I know more about what I need to stay away from. Unfortunately, many of my triggers are activities I love. I'm struggling with the loss right now and I am not sure yet how to work these things back into my life strategically.

I have discovered that I love to write. My brain craves stimulation and higher thought and writing was a pleasurable outlet for that. It caused too much stimulation, so I've given it up for several months. I miss it.

I am a very spiritual person. I enjoy researching and reading spiritual texts. I enjoy discussing philosophy. This is very triggering for me. I've greatly reduced my spiritual time lately and I feel like a huge part of me has been diminished.

I found purpose in volunteering to help abuse victims. This work is triggering for me as well. I know there are infinite other groups in need, bit I miss this type of work.

I am not sure if I'll ever hold a job again. I chose to stay home with my children before I knew I had issues, but the thought of never stretching myself professionally in the future is a sad one for me.

I am into physical health, but any major shift in my diet causes instability. I tried intermittent fasting right before I got sick last time. Who knows if it was related, but I decided to just stick to what my body already knows for now.

There are little things too like not being able to tolerate a second cup of coffee...

I am working with a new method for monitoring myself. The goal is to design a system that allows me to do some of these things again in small doses and spaced out so that I am not stimulating any one aspect of myself too much.

[TishaBuv]

What became triggering from the activities you mentioned is probably that you did them to a point of intensity. I like that you are doing some again in small doses and less often. Maybe focus on the level of intensity as well. Then you can add the activities in larger time frames again.

I’m not bipolar, and not sure of what diagnosis as my t will only say “complicated trauma history”, but I get triggered too. For example, like you, religious study, helping others with emotional issues (as a peer), can become triggering and I know when I need to take a step back or else I’ll plummet.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

What became triggering from the activities you mentioned is probably that you did them to a point of intensity. I like that you are doing some again in small doses and less often. Maybe focus on the level of intensity as well. Then you can add the activities in larger time frames again.

I’m not bipolar, and not sure of what diagnosis as my t will only say “complicated trauma history”, but I get triggered too. For example, like you, religious study, helping others with emotional issues (as a peer), can become triggering and I know when I need to take a step back or else I’ll plummet.

That's exactly the issue. Intensity. Very insightful of you. That is also why I made a new system to track myself. I needed insight into impact and tracking the degree to which I was performing in any one aspect is critical for me.

My diagnosis is unclear as well... It is great that you've learned what to take in small doses. It really does make a difference. For me, I'm having to learn to look at the net result of doing things in small amounts over time. If I look at it that way I can see I still have what I want. When I look at one day at a time I feel like I'm missing out. Its definitely a battle of perspective.

[Gabyunbound]

I've given up working full time. This obviously has financial consequences and at times makes me feel less-than.

But I made the change to lower the stress level of my life and also to more easily make sure I sleep enough. Because I'm part-time (I actually have a different schedule every day, it's hard to explain), some days I don't work in the morning and can sleep more.

Lack of sleep is my biggest trigger. My brain just can't handle it. I go doolally. So I take my night meds early (including klonopin, which helps me sleep) and even on days I don't have to get up early for work, unless I'm especially tired, I set my alarm, but always giving myself enough sleep time. This self-care, for me, is vital.

[Fuzzybear]

Hey fern, I get triggered too by some of the things you mention, which I also love. I like the idea of working them back into your (and my) life, but maybe with less intensity. My brain does crave stimulation and higher thought. I find practical chores (and very mundane conversations with ''normal'' people, especially those who are also very lacking in empathy and judgmental ) very triggering and also I dislike them grrr (who doesn't sometimes I guess... my dislike is extreme though and related to trauma grrr)

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by fern46

What have you given up for the greater good? After a second episode I learned more about what triggers me. I know more about what I need to stay away from. Unfortunately, many of my triggers are activities I love. I'm struggling with the loss right now and I am not sure yet how to work these things back into my life strategically.

I have discovered that I love to write. My brain craves stimulation and higher thought and writing was a pleasurable outlet for that. It caused too much stimulation, so I've given it up for several months. I miss it.

I am a very spiritual person. I enjoy researching and reading spiritual texts. I enjoy discussing philosophy. This is very triggering for me. I've greatly reduced my spiritual time lately and I feel like a huge part of me has been diminished.

I found purpose in volunteering to help abuse victims. This work is triggering for me as well. I know there are infinite other groups in need, bit I miss this type of work.

I am not sure if I'll ever hold a job again. I chose to stay home with my children before I knew I had issues, but the thought of never stretching myself professionally in the future is a sad one for me.

I am into physical health, but any major shift in my diet causes instability. I tried intermittent fasting right before I got sick last time. Who knows if it was related, but I decided to just stick to what my body already knows for now.

There are little things too like not being able to tolerate a second cup of coffee...

I am working with a new method for monitoring myself. The goal is to design a system that allows me to do some of these things again in small doses and spaced out so that I am not stimulating any one aspect of myself too much.

Good post fern. Thanks for sharing. My dx is also unclear. I also have an issue with being triggered by most of these things (which I also love) and even 2 cups of coffee causes me more anxiety also.

I hope you keep sharing as I find your posts very helpful and insightful


(eta sorry about the ''double'' post. I have to go and don't have time to merge them.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I've given up working full time. This obviously has financial consequences and at times makes me feel less-than.

But I made the change to lower the stress level of my life and also to more easily make sure I sleep enough. Because I'm part-time (I actually have a different schedule every day, it's hard to explain), some days I don't work in the morning and can sleep more.

Lack of sleep is my biggest trigger. My brain just can't handle it. I go doolally. So I take my night meds early (including klonopin, which helps me sleep) and even on days I don't have to get up early for work, unless I'm especially tired, I set my alarm, but always giving myself enough sleep time. This self-care, for me, is vital.

Thanks Gaby. I think working part time at some point in the future may be what makes sense for me.

Sleep is a huge trigger for me as well. I didn't know it, but I can see the pattern now. I sleep great 99% of the time, but I had two days of insomnia before each of my episodes. I think other factors triggered the insomnia and it was perhaps a byproduct of my brain doing weird stuff.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Hey fern, I get triggered too by some of the things you mention, which I also love. I like the idea of working them back into your (and my) life, but maybe with less intensity. My brain does crave stimulation and higher thought. I find practical chores (and very mundane conversations with ''normal'' people, especially those who are also very lacking in empathy and judgmental ) very triggering and also I dislike them grrr (who doesn't sometimes I guess... my dislike is extreme though and related to trauma grrr)

I hear you on mundane chores. I was feeling down about spending so much of my time on that sort of thing a while back. My brother helped me put it into perspective though. He encouraged me to focus on the value and the service I was offering for myself and my family. That helped me to turn around my feelings. I also started listening to podcasts or shows or whatever while working to help the time pass more easily. Sometimes I make it a game to see how fast I can do it or if I can turn it into exercise somehow.

I am sometimes triggered by judgmental people or people with low empathy, but I'm also trying to look at that differently. I considered there are people who must feel it is violating that I can read their emotions so deeply. They must feel judged that I can see. I certainly do not always enjoy it when my insides are on display. Anyway, thinking about that has helped me remember to put some distance between myself and others. I don't need to always read people. I started as a defense mechanism as a child, but now I am safe and strong. I can just let people be and when I do I find they are less judgy in return. It is hard though, because it is a deeply instinctive habit at this point.

Thanks Fuzzy for both of your posts. You are very kind

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by fern46

I hear you on mundane chores. I was feeling down about spending so much of my time on that sort of thing a while back. My brother helped me put it into perspective though. He encouraged me to focus on the value and the service I was offering for myself and my family. That helped me to turn around my feelings. I also started listening to podcasts or shows or whatever while working to help the time pass more easily. Sometimes I make it a game to see how fast I can do it or if I can turn it into exercise somehow.

I am sometimes triggered by judgmental people or people with low empathy, but I'm also trying to look at that differently. I considered there are people who must feel it is violating that I can read their emotions so deeply. They must feel judged that I can see. I certainly do not always enjoy it when my insides are on display. Anyway, thinking about that has helped me remember to put some distance between myself and others. I don't need to always read people. I started as a defense mechanism as a child, but now I am safe and strong. I can just let people be and when I do I find they are less judgy in return. It is hard though, because it is a deeply instinctive habit at this point.

Thanks Fuzzy for both of your posts. You are very kind

Thanks fern. I too needed to read people as a child, as a defence mechanism. (I also think that is partly why that very long therapy with a T IRL who lacked empathy or, frankly, much intelligence I had went SO wrong ) (if I had kept my distance from him, he would not have been able to hurt me as much with his mean words

But I did learn something from that person..... What NOT to look for in a ''good'' therapist And when to ''run for the hills''

Thanks for your post. It;s helpful to me

[Merlin]

I have given up working full time and working as a professional. I cannot complete university due to my illness. I’m hoping, once I have been stable for a time, to get my health care aide certificate. 8 months might be doable.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I have given up working full time and working as a professional. I cannot complete university due to my illness. I’m hoping, once I have been stable for a time, to get my health care aide certificate. 8 months might be doable.

HOPE is very important

[FluffyDinosaur]

Lack of sleep and stress are also big triggers for me. But in terms of giving up what I love, it's mostly the other way around; I can't do what I love because of the BD, or at least I have a very hard time of it and can't do it as well as I want to. Being unable to do what I want is a big stress factor and source of frustration for me. But I can never give up my goals and ambitions. I can't and don't accept that there are things I can't do, only that there may be temporary setbacks. I always keep waiting for that moment when the BD will relent at least for a while. The day I can't hope for that anymore is the day my life loses all meaning. I guess maybe I'm too stubborn but there it is.

[Soupe du jour]

Something came to my mind as I read your OP. It was a reminder of an ending scene in the Wizard of Oz. I found the following at Necessary Facts: What (if Anything) Did Dorothy Learn?

"At the end of the 1939 movie version of The Wizard of Oz, Glinda the Good Witch says that Dorothy could have gone home any time, but she had to learn that for herself. Scarecrow asks Dorothy what she learned. She replies:

'Well... I think that it ... That it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any farther than my own back yard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.'

Clearly, what begins as a cliche ends as a contradiction."

Well...I am definitely not saying that one should be resigned to a situation. Just the opposite. I feel it's more finding the real you again (or maybe even for the first time) that is there, and will always be there all the time. It can be a quite a journey to find that you are there all along, and will be. Self discovery need not be done through arduous work, but simply taking the time to listen carefully.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Something came to my mind as I read your OP. It was a reminder of an ending scene in the Wizard of Oz. I found the following at Necessary Facts: What (if Anything) Did Dorothy Learn?

"At the end of the 1939 movie version of The Wizard of Oz, Glinda the Good Witch says that Dorothy could have gone home any time, but she had to learn that for herself. Scarecrow asks Dorothy what she learned. She replies:

'Well... I think that it ... That it wasn't enough just to want to see Uncle Henry and Auntie Em. And it's that if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any farther than my own back yard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.'

Clearly, what begins as a cliche ends as a contradiction."

Well...I am definitely not saying that one should be resigned to a situation. Just the opposite. I feel it's more finding the real you again (or maybe even for the first time) that is there, and will always be there all the time. It can be a quite a journey to find that you are there all along, and will be. Self discovery need not be done through arduous work, but simply taking the time to listen carefully.

Beautiful. Thank you.

Can I tell you something funny? Or maybe not funny, but related. When I got sick the first time something about that movie triggered me. We had a poster from it in our home and it always felt a bit haunting. When I got sick the first time I ran to it and ripped it from the walls and smashed it into pieces.

I learned after that night that I had been running from my own subconscious for a long time. In a way, it is my biggest adversary. However, it is also my solace. Whatever haunts me can be a friend. It is all about learning to work with it properly.

Thanks a lot for this. It resonated.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur

Lack of sleep and stress are also big triggers for me. But in terms of giving up what I love, it's mostly the other way around; I can't do what I love because of the BD, or at least I have a very hard time of it and can't do it as well as I want to. Being unable to do what I want is a big stress factor and source of frustration for me. But I can never give up my goals and ambitions. I can't and don't accept that there are things I can't do, only that there may be temporary setbacks. I always keep waiting for that moment when the BD will relent at least for a while. The day I can't hope for that anymore is the day my life loses all meaning. I guess maybe I'm too stubborn but there it is.

I love your special blend of stubborn. Its true heart and it will carry you even through the darkest times.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Merlin

I have given up working full time and working as a professional. I cannot complete university due to my illness. I’m hoping, once I have been stable for a time, to get my health care aide certificate. 8 months might be doable.

I hope you find a way to get what you want even if it comes in an unexpected form. I think it is great you have hope. It is a powerful ally.

[wildflowerchild25]

I had to give up teaching. Every year I would suffer a breakdown. My last year teaching was absolutely horrific. And I was just a special ed support teacher! I wasn’t even alone In the class! I wanted to be a special ed teacher specifically for students with emotional difficulties, but the lesson planning, IEP writing, grading, etc was all too much stress. After my last year teaching I became a paraprofessional. I tried my hand at teaching one more time but I only made it a month. It took a lot for me to admit my education had gone to waste. The amount of money I spent on trying to get my post baccalaureate...I never completed it.

But, now I am a paraprofessional in a private school for students with emotional/psychiatric disorders. So I still get to work with the population I intended to. I make less than half of what I made as a teacher, but honestly it’s a small price to pay to remain stable. I haven’t been hospitalized or had to take a leave in 2+ years. And now with all this remote/synchronous learning, I’m seriously glad I got out when I did!!!

[fern46]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I had to give up teaching. Every year I would suffer a breakdown. My last year teaching was absolutely horrific. And I was just a special ed support teacher! I wasn’t even alone In the class! I wanted to be a special ed teacher specifically for students with emotional difficulties, but the lesson planning, IEP writing, grading, etc was all too much stress. After my last year teaching I became a paraprofessional. I tried my hand at teaching one more time but I only made it a month. It took a lot for me to admit my education had gone to waste. The amount of money I spent on trying to get my post baccalaureate...I never completed it.

But, now I am a paraprofessional in a private school for students with emotional/psychiatric disorders. So I still get to work with the population I intended to. I make less than half of what I made as a teacher, but honestly it’s a small price to pay to remain stable. I haven’t been hospitalized or had to take a leave in 2+ years. And now with all this remote/synchronous learning, I’m seriously glad I got out when I did!!!

It's really very cool you kept looking for the right fit. 2 years with no hospital time is awesome!

[Trippin2.0]

Only thing I loved that I gave up for the heater good was the best job I ever had.

My position, although extremely stressful and overwhelming at times to the point of triggering either a manic or depressive episode, was equal parts challenging, rewarding and enjoyable. It also helped that I felt like I was making a difference in people's lives.

After about 15 jobs, I thought I had found the one, the one I could turn into a career, but after a few resignations and restarts, it was clear that the stress was too triggering.

I'm diligently looking for a job I could do from home now, to work remotely, with no luck... I REALLY miss working, and am trying to find something bipolar friendly.

If anyone has any ideas or leads I'd appreciate any input.

[bpcyclist]

An excellent topic for us. I have had to make some major adjustments.in my journey, I have determined that the fundamental issue in my brain is a problem of excitation and inhibition homeostasis. I am unable to balance effectively.

So, I wrote a book about my state' s forensic psych system, but that was so traumatizing that I may not publish it. It is too triggering.

I have no love life because I do not want to go through my illness history with a bunch of chicks who may be bigots. Could really use a partner. No dice.

My ex would not let me see my son. Should have sued er ***, but am psychotic too often, she woulda shredded me. On and on.

You are a systems woman, fern. You will sort this out with a plan that works for you. You always do.

Hugs!!!!

[Bugtussel]

I too had to give up teaching. This is my first year out of the classroom and I really miss it - even with all the virtual learning. I am thinking of being a paraprofessional as well.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Only thing I loved that I gave up for the heater good was the best job I ever had.

My position, although extremely stressful and overwhelming at times to the point of triggering either a manic or depressive episode, was equal parts challenging, rewarding and enjoyable. It also helped that I felt like I was making a difference in people's lives.

After about 15 jobs, I thought I had found the one, the one I could turn into a career, but after a few resignations and restarts, it was clear that the stress was too triggering.

I'm diligently looking for a job I could do from home now, to work remotely, with no luck... I REALLY miss working, and am trying to find something bipolar friendly.

If anyone has any ideas or leads I'd appreciate any input.

No solid ideas, but I think it is beautiful that you've kept trying despite the challenges. Holding a positive intent to find the right fit can go a long way. I wish you all the best and hope something wonderful comes your way soon.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

An excellent topic for us. I have had to make some major adjustments.in my journey, I have determined that the fundamental issue in my brain is a problem of excitation and inhibition homeostasis. I am unable to balance effectively.

So, I wrote a book about my state' s forensic psych system, but that was so traumatizing that I may not publish it. It is too triggering.

I have no love life because I do not want to go through my illness history with a bunch of chicks who may be bigots. Could really use a partner. No dice.

My ex would not let me see my son. Should have sued er ***, but am psychotic too often, she woulda shredded me. On and on.

You are a systems woman, fern. You will sort this out with a plan that works for you. You always do.

Hugs!!!!

You've been through some really rough times. I'm always amazed at how you've been able to make it through and maintain such a beautiful spirit. I hold hope that some of your losses will reverse themselves with time and an open heart.

I'm in the same boat with my book. It is 90% complete, but I am not sure I'll ever finish it. I just can't make a call on that yet.

I realize now that my thought that I was giving up the things I love is incorrect. I am just shifting how and when I go about them. I needed the perspective of the wise posters in this thread. I get lost in the details at times and I need to remind myself to also focus on the big picture. Blending the two perspectives brings balance and comfort.

I also realize that dialing back on some of the things that used to take up the majority of my time and energy has made room for me to grow in other areas and discover new paths. That is something to be grateful for. I know it is time to let go of the old me and look forward instead. I've been working on that for two years. I am not sure how long it will take, but I have to keep trying.

Yes, systems are my thing. I know I'll be able to find one that works. It will be a constantly moving target, but I am no stranger to a high rate of change. I love a challenge.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Bugtussel

I too had to give up teaching. This is my first year out of the classroom and I really miss it - even with all the virtual learning. I am thinking of being a paraprofessional as well.

There are so many wonderful ways to teach. The goal is to offer information to others who need it in a supportive way. That can come in infinite packages. I hope you find the perfect opportunity when the time is right.

[bpcyclist]

Originally Posted by fern46

You've been through some really rough times. I'm always amazed at how you've been able to make it through and maintain such a beautiful spirit. I hold hope that some of your losses will reverse themselves with time and an open heart.

I'm in the same boat with my book. It is 90% complete, but I am not sure I'll ever finish it. I just can't make a call on that yet.

I realize now that my thought that I was giving up the things I love is incorrect. I am just shifting how and when I go about them. I needed the perspective of the wise posters in this thread. I get lost in the details at times and I need to remind myself to also focus on the big picture. Blending the two perspectives brings balance and comfort.

I also realize that dialing back on some of the things that used to take up the majority of my time and energy has made room for me to grow in other areas and discover new paths. That is something to be grateful for. I know it is time to let go of the old me and look forward instead. I've been working on that for two years. I am not sure how long it will take, but I have to keep trying.

Yes, systems are my thing. I know I'll be able to find one that works. It will be a constantly moving target, but I am no stranger to a high rate of change. I love a challenge.

You are making a ton of sense. Change, motion, evolution. These are the constants. Us trying to apply the old intensities in the present is mot healthy for us. I cannot reconstruct faces anymore. Too streesful. But I can use my scientific skills to help others w brain diseases better understand them. Use my teaching knowhow to help. No, I cannot give 40 lectures a year now. I can write maybe one book a year. But that is great now.

Homeostasis and balance. Write when I can.maybe none for a week. Run, pray, yoga, read, socially interact, pray,
write some more. Balance. That is my goal, not being a hotshot famous person. That is history. Happily.

You go, fern.