Bipolar check-in #48

wildflowerchild, I hope the appointment at the cardiologist goes well and that you can get your prescription refilled shortly. That is a terrible position for you to be in. Though my psychiatrist has been seeing people via video session, my husband's psychiatrist is not. It's as if my husband's psychiatrist has just closed down shop.

I haven't been able to reach my father this morning. I'm assuming that he has turned off his cell phone, or sees me calling and won't answer. I can't leave a vmx because his voice mail has been full for many months now, plus he never listens to it anyway, thus the full voice mail. Tomorrow he is supposed to be coming home, but he's in a panic and making threats that if we try to return him home that he will start drinking. It is clearly a child-like threat and not a legitimate feeling of loss of control. Well, perhaps it is to some degree in that he has never, and probably will never, try to work to get his anxiety under control through any healthier method of any sort, therapeutic or otherwise. The fact is that he wants to hide away. He wants to hide away from my siblings and me. I told my sister that he is afraid of us, in a sense. There is no good reason for him to be afraid of us other than that we want to help him out of his cave. When he's expressed the fear to me I have told him that fear must be addressed with support (therapeutic, family, ADL/IADL assistance, daily visiting home healthcare professional). That we must face our fears and not hide from them. It's much like an agoraphobia of sorts. Him staying where he's at for much longer is detrimental in many ways. If we could just finally get him to a few doctor appointments the situation could turn so that he could return to the facility long-term. He doesn't want to know and face reality. He does now know that my siblings and I know what the reality likely is. He'd rather only socialize with people that feed him false reality or that accept his false reality and enable it.

I suggested to my sister, who is the facility's main contact for our dad, if the NP there would consider giving our dad extra PRN Ativan tomorrow, if he shows signs of panic attack or hysterical behavior, which he's had many times. He already takes some Ativan. I really think that would help him.

This is the immediate stressor for my family that I mentioned yesterday. Please wish us all luck tomorrow. We really need it!

Wow, that is just unacceptable for someone working in health care, if you ask me. I would even go so far as to say it's unethical to just stop treatment like that.

I feel alright I guess. This covid **** is just really starting to wear me down. I’ve just been like obsessively thinking of where I’ve been these past 2 weeks and how many days have gone by and if I‘m ok now from a specific place or if there’s still a possible risk and **** like that. It’s just been rough and really wearing me out. I’m super worried about last week. I still feel fine. My anxiety has just been rough and I can’t concentrate on anything. I’m taking the maximum amount of Xanax and I’m not having much relief.

Good 4 u for sharing and I think this story is a beautiful illustration of how, if u throw in a little psychosis and walk into 3 difft. pdocs in Cleveland or London with this exact story, u cld quite easily walk out w one dx of bp1, one of bp2, and a third for schizoaffective disorder bipolar type. It is a huge problem rt. now since the neurobiology of these 3 can be completely different in different brain networks affected by these illnesses and therefore, different therapeutic approaches are likely appropos.

Thank you sooooo much for bringing up this critical issue. We must do better for patients going fwd.

To just complete the thought, I now meet criteria for both bp1 w psychosis and schizoaffective disorder. So, what, we just pick the one we like the ring of better?

Prayers.

bad.

simply put: done nothing all day, another day wasted, feel like a failure

plus side is that I actually did eat better this evening. I had chicken burgers which were quite nice

Yeah, it's very confusing to me. I've sort of given up on trying to figure out whether it's bp1 or bp2 and I just call it bp1.5 in my head. I figure my Pdoc will have me try the same meds regardless, but it would be nice to have some certainty. I wish there were some sort of objective test, that way it would be easier to accept the dx, which I still find myself struggling with a lot. I guess we've all wished for that.

You are not a failure, vortex, you are a freaking triumph. You suit up and face uncertainty and crap every day w grace and I am proud to know you.

I guess I’m just hard hearted. There’s always something innocent and well intentioned that will trigger someone. At that point we should take care of ourselves. Our triggers aren’t the world’s triggers. Half the time my triggers aren’t always at naturally negative things. Others shouldn’t have to sacrifice because you don’t like knowing a thread exists. Just my opinion. I fall right into that category too. There are things I just don’t touch but I know my limits and where I stand. It’s a good skill to practice. And if this sounds like this behavior may be a trigger for me ? I guess I should practice what I preach. Hahaha

Did you try to take your bottles to a walk in clinic .. They will almost always refill psych meds for at least a week or 2 and now especially with covid ????

Hope you get someone to help you asap

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( IZ )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

***** flinging icy fruity drinks and a cold front directly to you *****************

I'm here if you need me

Well its bloody hot and humid and muggy and my hair went from nice to a full afro in .003 seconds of walking outside

In other news ........... **** drum roll *** My husband has been doing ALOT better this week so I let him drive to get gas for his mowers today. OMG its the first time he has driven since we came home from the Florida Christmas trip ... I felt so strange in the passenger side

So its almost 19 miles to the closest gas station and its all back roads except for the last 2 miles , which is a major highway but we saw 6 cars total ( typical ) . He did fine but we both agree he doesn't need to go wander off by himself yet..

I am so happy happy for him, Hes been through hell all year ! There is still some cognitive issues but its cleared up to his pre super infection nose dive in March.

I am so grateful for ALL the support you all have been so wonderful to offer during such a terrifying time in my life... You guys are some of the most caring compassionate people I have ever had the honor to call my friends

So happy 4 u guys!!!!!

This is such an awesome post!!!!!!!
small steps in the right direction!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

That is just wonderful news. I'm so glad you two are doing better.

Today my one thing I did for the day was go grocery shopping. Im trying to do at least one productive activity a day. Bonus if I get on a roll and do more than one! I also picked up my scripts from the pharmacy. Tomorrow, I'm going to call that apartment complex back and see if they have any openings.

I'm still waiting for my lenses- they're supposed to arrive Saturday: first estimate was Sunday. As of today, they've shipped. Next is "out for delivery" which means its arriving that day. Last is "delivered"!

Sending hugs to everyone who needs them!

It’s been a long arduous day. I’m tired of fighting with myself and honestly I’m the only one fighting. I’ve decided to take these meds as prescribed, at least that way if I’m right I can go back and say— this isn’t working. At least I have credit, and not just fear to go on. For all I know it may help, this new cocktail and this still very scary Prazosin. I guess we’ll see.

Pray for me that I don’t have any real adverse reactions. I can almost safely say one of the meds will cause some livable but annoying side effects. At least it did as monotherapy. Don’t knock it until you try it, right?

You can't know whether you will have side effects until you try a new drug. I'm one to have side effects to a lot of meds. Yet there are some I can take.

I finally got my meds; well, at least the lamictal. I’m not out of depakote yet so that should be fine until my appointment on Friday. I had a run in with the pharmacy again. I HATE the one my insurance forces me to use. I called to see if the prescription was ready and the woman on the phone acted like she was puzzled as to why I would be asking. She actually said “do you need it?” OF COURSE I ****ING NEED IT YOU IDIOT. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t be a ****ing prescription, would it? I swear. This is just a long line of complaints I have with them. The last time they were reluctant to give me my meds because someone had for some reason made a note that I was pregnant. I mean, what??? I had my son ten years ago, and I’ve never been pregnant since. They even fill my birth control, for chrissakes. Idiots, the lot of them. I’m going to try another location.

In any event, I have my meds. Unfortunately, I can see that I’m going to need to take seroquel tonight. I didn’t sleep until 4am, and I didn’t sleep all day, and now I’ve been trying to sleep for two hours and nothing. I have nothing to do tomorrow so I’ll just have to take it and then sleep it off tomorrow. Oh well.

Well I'm scheduled to have a Stellate Ganglion Block on Tuesday morning. The injection blocks some of the nerves in the sympathetic nervous system thus calming the PTSD hyper-vigilence and general anxiety. In December last year I had one and it helped for a few months. The PTSD has been bad recently. Very physical. Lots of memories too. So, I cannot wait to get that injection. Also, I have recently begun a two-year benzo taper which makes me unable to take extra benzo's to deal with anxiety. When it is really bad I take Seroquel. That kind of punches me out of the anxiety for a while.

Today I am making chicken and vegetable soup from scratch. It takes about six hours to boil the broth. Then another two hours with fresh vegetables and chicken pieces. My flat smells of soup. It is a comforting smell. Relaxing 'Yo Le Tango' playing on the stereo. Life is good. As I have more energy than usual I have been able to do more today which is encouraging. My T thinks the injection I am having might even have a postitive effect on my physical health. I hope so. It makes sense that it might as faults in the central nervous system are implicated in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia ], and this block effects the sympathetic nervous system within it. The great news is that the procedure will only cost me $65. My health insurance covers the rest. The follow-up appointment with the specialist who performs the procedure will cost around $150 though. If it works as well as last time it is worth it.

On the 22nd August I have an appointment scheduled with a new psychiatrist. The initial consult is $240 out-of-pocket for an hour. I am hoping he will be willing to bulk-bill me so I have no gap payments. In Australia some doctors won't bulk-bill as they lose income, but some choose to have a percentage of their practice bulk-billed. I understand they deserve to be paid more than the medicare rebate fee, but my safety will be put at risk if I can't afford to see my pdoc as often as required during a crisis. I am on a Disability Pension so I have a good chance he will accept.I could've had the appointment on Tuesday, but they called me last minute and I was too tired and anxious to deal with going through my life story. Changing doctors is stressful because I have to see if I can trust them. It takes time and energy.

This makes me smile. A huge joyful smile. I hope he continues to improve in the coming weeks.

Proud of u, Marcus. Feel better.

Prayers.

Sheesh. New pdoc?

What about using that amazon hm delivery pharmacy option?

gd luck w the block and new doc!!!!