Relating to a highly critical mother

My mother is the most critical, pessimistic people I've known. I'm good at not fighting over statements she makes but I don't know if I fake it anymore.

She turns every remotely negative event (any event really) into meaning that I'm an inferior, flawed, stupid person. Mothers should be supportive and not drag you down. They shouldn't make you feel like you can't do anything right.

I feel like I should be over this now that I'm nearly 50.

How do you deal with a mother like this other than never see her again? My dad isn't like this. He's the best dad a person could have. But he has trouble dealing with her, too. They've almost gotten divorced.

I was initially misdiagnosed as MDD and got the bp 1 label years later. When I met with mom and my dad to inform them of my depression and that I had gotten addicted to my pain med after a shoulder injury, she looked at me with eyes devoid of anything motherly and said: "Well, you certainly didn't get that from me!"

My mother was cold, distant, and very hard on me from toddlerhood. I learned to disconnect and separate to protect myself. She was competent in her required duties. Will always love her, but she wasn't very nice to me. It was always my impression that I was likely an accident and she just really had never wanted me.

My only thought is to accept her for what she is. Do not look to her for what you know she will not give. Find that elsewhere in a friend, a mentor, your father, or in yourself.

Families are like teams. Sometimes we have teammates that are a poor fit for their roles. However, everyone has a gift to give. Things can be greatly improved when we do not try to force others to be what they are not and find ways to leverage whatever it is they do best. Is there anything your mom does well that you can learn from or enjoy?

In the event there's just nothing you can find to appreciate about your mother, it may just be worthwhile to not invest too much in your time with her and distance yourself emotionally. That can be incredibly sad, but it helps when it feels like there is no clear route to enjoying each other. All mothers are flawed (I certainly am) and human. Any forgiveness you can find in your heart will help you to accept and let go.

Sending support your way. I know what its like to be mistreated by your mom. That pain can be incredibly difficult. I hope you find your way to greater happiness together.

I had a mother like that....the best response to her criticism...." I see....that is how you feel." Don't argue, explain....we cannot change them, all we can do is refuse to engage in useless comments or arguments.

Hi imaginethat. I'm sorry your mother has such a negative hurtful trait. I have to agree with what fern46 wrote.

My mother and father were not critical types, but my maternal grandmother was to an abusive point. She strongly favored my maternal uncle over my mother for no good reason whatsoever. That abusive criticism she hurt my mother with extended to my father and my siblings and me. Everything we did was bad, and everything my maternal uncle, his wife, and adopted son did was good. There are countless examples of the abuse she showed towards us, but the worst was extremely bad. One example was the second to last day my mother was home before being taken to the ICU, where she died seven days later. That day my maternal grandmother came to my parents' house and saw my mother sitting, very ill, in a chair in the living room. My grandmother literally called my mother a "pig" because my mom was obese at that time, and her stomach was even bigger because her liver was five times the normal size (a fact that wasn't known that day). As for my siblings and me, that grandmother beat us many times for things we didn't deserve them for. She once told me that she wished that her neighbor's granddaughter was hers, instead of me. I recall telling her that I wished that was so, too. I was maybe 12 or 13 years old at the time.

Obviously, my mother passed away before my maternal grandmother. I never heard/saw any sign of grief from my grandmother. Certainly no support or empathy was shown towards my father, my siblings or me. Years later, when my maternal grandmother died, my siblings and I found that we were disinherited. My grandmother left everything to my uncle, his wife, and son. I assure you that my mother, siblings, and I did nothing to deserve such treatment. Nothing. That uncle soon after moved far away to Maine without even telling any of us. My siblings and I assume that he did so out of guilt, and yet such guilt was not strong enough to overpower his greed. There had been many times in their lives that my mother was grossly short-changed compared to that uncle.

I will never be 100% sure why my maternal grandmother abused my mother so much, and not my uncle. One theory is that she held it against my mother that she (my mother) fell, as a teenager, and developed serious epilepsy with tonic clonic seizures (grand mal seizures), that she dealt with her entire life. This wouldn't be that different than a mother holding it against a young or adult child that they developed bipolar disorder. But regardless of this, my maternal grandmother had verbally and physically abused my mother even before that horrible fall. To my knowledge, neither my uncle nor cousin were hardly ever, if ever, criticized or beaten. My mother spent her whole life trying to be a good daughter and get approval (and of course love) from her mother. It rarely, if ever, happened. A fruitless effort.

I am not a grudge holder, but confess that I have harbored great anger towards that grandmother. Her calling my mother "a pig" during the last week of her life has made it difficult to forgive. However, in the meantime, I have reflected on such behavior and concluded that my grandmother had her own severe unaddressed psychological issues. We do know that she had had a "nervous breakdown" during the period of my uncle's birth. What that "nervous breakdown" was is unsure.

If you have a therapist, I hope you will spend a lot of time discussing your mother's behavior towards you. Perhaps your therapist will have good suggestions for how to influence your mother in a positive way. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions. I wish I did.

It's hard not to take her criticism to heart, I'm sure. But keep thinking that that's the way she is and will not change. It's not you--it's her. She sounds like a very unhappy person.

I too learned to disconnect and separate

My best to you,

Fuzzy bear

Bpcyclist, I'm sorry you went through this. It's amazing what people say, and it sounds like they didn't even think about it beforehand.

Were you able to disconnect but still be around her?

Nicole, I find it hard not to respond because then I feel like a doormat. Did you feel like that?

Interesting that you should say she sound very unhappy -- she claims not to have a care in the world. That doesn't sound like a happy person to me. I think she's in denial about how her behavior affects people even though me and my Dad have told her.

[QUOTE=Fuzzybear;6903663]I too learned to disconnect and separate

Fuzzybear, were you able to do this and still be around her? I feel like I shouldn't totally write her off since she's my mother.

fern46, I realized years ago that my mother wasn't great at mothering, but she did the best she could. Still it's hard to overlook words that hurt so much.

I'm sorry you experienced such terrible things. I've talked to a therapist about this for years, but obviously I need to talk more about it.

I hear you. I do not discount your pain. The crap truth is though that you can let it anchor you or you can fly without her. It is a hard choice and there's no wrong answer. Its something to be worked through in your own time at whatever pace works for you.

I learned that when my mother didn't say anything about something, she was okay with it. Otherwise, she always found something to criticize. I went through years of therapy as a result of her. I managed to separate from her--got married and moved away. I always dreaded calling her, but I hung in there and laughed about what she said with my sister. It would help if you could do that with somebody.

My mom died a couple of years ago at the age of 90. I'm glad I didn't kiss her off, under the circumstances and was by her side when she died. She had two personality disorders.

But you have to do what you can to survive and keep your mental health. One therapist told me if I hadn't had a sister, I'd have become psychotic.

If you want to talk more, then let me know.

Travelinglady, I have some great friends but don't talk them about this stuff because I don't want to become a broken record. People get tired of hearing you talk about problems over and over,. I'm glad I can come here and talk with some generous, helpful people.

Oh, sure. But I could never talk to her.

“One therapist told me if I hadn’t had a sister, I would have become psychotic”..

Very toxic parents with multiple personality disorders can indeed be very harmful grrrrrr

Is that term, “doormat”, something I presume your mother said and that is her voice in your head criticizing you, calling you that with this comment? Did she make you feel like you can’t trust yourself to make decisions? Did she make you feel like if you don’t stand up for yourself and fight, you are a “doormat”?

My suggestion is to just talk about safe subjects and keep minimal distance.

Yes, she does all of those things.

I'll have to figure out what those safe subjects are! Definitely not work.

I can't tell you how to handle it without stopping contact, because that is what I had to do. But I wanted to let you know that I hear you, and feel for your situation.

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? Do you live with your mother? If not, then how far away? Are you an only child?

I think answers might be helpful to us.

You do not need to deal with this anymore. Tell her what you will and will not tolerate and enforce those boundaries.

My mother had a severe mental illness. When she was heading into an episode she would become extremely judgmental and cruel. Is it possible that your mom is depressed? I'm asking because her behavior could be symptomatic of depression or another mental illness.

Whatever the case, I agree with TishaBuv. Stick to safe subjects. Practice at not allowing yourself to get hooked in by your mom. The chance of her changing is extremely slim, so it's up to you to set a boundary by not doing the dance.

I like your determination!