Bipolar Check-In #49

Come to the west coast--we have firm statutes against humidity.

Melatonin also regulates happy transmiiter production and use.

My son is going to my mom’s for a sleepover Saturday so RS and I will have the night to ourselves. I am looking to make a reservation at an outdoor dining restaurant (my state still doesn’t allow indoor dining). I’ve looked up new places but they are too expensive. Rent is coming up fast! There are three places available that we have been to before and have enjoyed so I will ask RS which he prefers. They all have cheaper options on their menus. I just never feel justified spending $25+ on a single meal, no matter how much money we have. I mean, I have a decent amount in my savings simply because of the inheritance and I could definitely afford a $75 meal, but still. It does make it easier that we don’t drink though. That’s where they get you! $8-10 for cocktails/wine/beer. That definitely adds up!

I have figured out childcare for the time being. My mother in law, my mom, and RS’s cousin are all going to take a day or two. We will re-evaluate when and if the district decides to go ahead with hybrid learning.

So I’m on track to start my job on sept 1. Good.

I've had brutal anger brewing, but right at this moment, it's a bit better. I made an appointment for a second real estate agent to come on Sunday, and have a vmx in to a third.

I talk to my psychiatrist in about 30 mins. I'd like to ask if my Seroquel XR could be reduced by 50 mg so that at least I would only have two different doses of it (400 and 200 mg pills), instead of three (also 50 mg pills). I kind of doubt he'll agree, given my upcoming trip. Before any move, I would truly like to have my 0.5 mg Klonopin eliminated. I'll obviously not ask to reduce that before my trip. Right after? Yes! It's time to cut out the daily benzos, once and for all. I still want to keep Ativan for PRN use only.

I want to clear the piles of clean clothes from our spare room. 90% of them are my husband's. Storage boxes? He'll argue about that.

Feeling tired and angry. Sore throat and sore eyes from the smoke. I'm not sure why I feel so angry; I'm probably breathing weird toxins from the smoke and ash

Although the smoke that's in the air (and falling ash) doesn't show up well on this photo, this is the sun obscured by smoke. Actually you can see some ash on the leaves near the bottom. (This is outside my front door.)

A burger in this serious food town is 14 bucks w tip, easily.

Give clothes to the needy?

Hugs, Beth.

I really want to take cough syrup. What is wrong with me? I have never in my life had the urge to take drugs before. Usually I just give into food cravings. Not any other cravings

Quote:

Originally Posted by FluffyDinosaur I've been trying melatonin as well so I can take a break from the benzos. Unfortunately it doesn't stop me from waking up every 1.5 hours but at least I manage to fall asleep again instead of being awake for half the night. I'm not sure if I want to be taking melatonin long-term either though. Don't want to mess up my own melatonin production. I saw an article that said there's a link between bipolar and hypersensitivity in melatonin production as affected by light. That would explain why the long summer days mess me up so badly. It's kind of nice after having people tell me it's "impossible" to be so affected by it.

FluffyD, my brain is so hyper-sensitive to the light that a change in light (natural light) can easily trigger off a manic or depressive cycle for me. It is not at all unusual for the bipolar brain to be extremely attuned to natural light/dark. My pdoc adjusts my meds as a matter of course when the light changes for autumn. The lower light (without exception, it's like a clock) sets off a mixed state that is, in my opinion, the most dangerous state there is for me.

Please don't let anyone deny your reality about the light, for it is very, very real for many of us.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I really want to take cough syrup. What is wrong with me? I have never in my life had the urge to take drugs before. Usually I just give into food cravings. Not any other cravings

When is your therapist returning, Md?

I have gotten manic and psychotic on otc cough meds.

There WAS a line! Guess 730 is too late. Gotta get there at 7..

Work people.

This is bad. There are so many firestorms all over this state it's out of control. I just spoke with my son; he and my DIL live in San Francisco and the city is smoky and raining ash. These massive fires never happened before just a few years ago. We always had our 1 or 2 wildfires down south, and maybe a couple of small ones up here. Not this, not like this.

Can't stop coughing. Even if I had a way to transport my cats and myself, there's literally no where to go that isn't on fire or near fire.

Time to take my daily "post achilles surgery" walk. My covid mask will actually help with the smoke.

Just took it easy with my depression today.

Talked to T & Pdoc. He said I should have gone to the hospital when it got that bad. He doubled my prozac and upped my abilify. I understand his view but I don't agree. Especially with covid around. I don't know if I will keep him as my pdoc. My husband had to translate what I say because I speak softly.

Do you still have that link? Ive always said that the change in the quality of the sunlight affects my brain (hypo/mania).

Im trying to to be hungry again. I went over my fat allowance for the day but calorie-wise I'm right on target.

I found my birth story of N3. So much detail! I had pix in there too. I spent hours today reading my pregnancy diary with N2 and her birth story. I didn't get much housework done except dishes and laundry.

I believe this was the one I first stumbled upon: [link]. At first glance it appears to take the sensitivity to light as a given from previous research and then proceeds to investigate the effect of lithium on light sensitivity. I haven't read it in full, only skimmed it. The citations should enable you to find that previous research. This isn't my field of study, so I can't comment on the quality of the journal, but the paper didn't raise any obvious red flags for me in terms of quality.

Hugs, MM.

Lithium has big effects on NMDA receptors, which are critical in vision processing. Antidepressants working in this way improve vision and promote plasticity. Vision processing and bipolar symptoms are closely linked.

Been having a panic attack for 4 hours now! Just pure misery. And my son is driving me nuts with his OCD and constantly washing his hands. I hate my life right now!

wishing their was more to say then just, " I'm depressed"

but their isn't

Nightmares are really starting to affect my quality of sleep. I can’t even explain them to be honest. I wake up from them and it takes a long time to shake the feelings. It’s not been great.

Haven’t heard from work, haven’t been sleeping, go through stints of being OK to feeling really low to feeling panicked... I’m just kinda unraveled and I feel out of control. I haven’t showered in some days and I don’t want to get out of bed. My body is sore and I don’t know why.

It’s all small things if I’m honest. I mean, work isn’t a small issue but it’s not actively being dealt with— I’m waiting on their part. Whoever I am right now is not who I want to be or live like. I’m just too tired to fight it.

I need to find something to do other than sleep. I’m thinking reading a book is a good idea. Music is a hit or miss right now— either it doesn’t hit the right cords inside me or it brings out negative things. I don’t really know how to express that either.

I did in fact trim up my facial hair because I couldn’t get food in my mouth without mustache. So I did do one thing in terms of personal hygiene.

I’ll give work until 2pm to get back to me or I’m calling to follow up. I should try to reschedule my doctor’s appt and therapist appt but I’ve skipped them both because of my mood these last few weeks. I’m a ****** patient but I honestly just can’t keep sacrificing energy to rehash what isn’t being fixed. I know it’s genuine want to help on their ends and want it to be known I appreciate that. Just I’m not in a position where I can really make use of it. From either of them.

I’ll figure life out at some point... I think it’s weird that I’m being kinder to myself now than I’ve ever been. You may be wondering what I mean. I struggle internally and when I come short I beat myself up. People on the outside who don’t know often exacerbate that feeling or use it against you. Maybe I am nothing but a sad pathetic sack of crap who can’t even be useful for the simplest of tasks— but I’m doing all I can. I may be sub par and I may not be worth the effort to be someone in my life on any level or form of relationship. I am struggling and I won’t apologize to anyone or fight for dignity. No one has to change their opinion or understand me, I only have to accept where I am and if others can’t, screw them.

I know that sounds negative and a bit harsh but it’s really a major step towards a much healthier outlook. I don’t deserve to beaten down all the damn time, especially by my own self. If I’m a mistake let me be a mistake until I can be better. Period

I don’t even feel like I’m saying substantial things anymore. Haha. Don’t be alarmed with me though. I’m not suicidal or wanting to harm anyone. If this is an “episode” well, it’s important it develops because I’ve not had many documented moments and it may be beneficial.

MarcusAurelius