Bipolar Check-In #49

Hes 24 and has schizoaffective disorder. No I just have a small apartment. I just have to deal with it...

Well my new therapist wants me to tell the panic I'm not scared of you. Take on the approach of confronting it. Like a bully. I don't know how that will help but I guess I have nothing to lose.

My son is just out of control with his OCD and schizoaffective disorder. He believes that hes drugged. Hes on a lot of aps, he doesn't advocate for himself. I have to do that and its draining.

I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. I'm so tired. But on nights that I have a panic attack I don't usually sleep well.

Hope everyone is having a good day.

Oh, gosh, Breeze. You just have so much on your plate. Hugs! If you are in King or Pierce, have you looked at county options to help you guys out? A case mgr cld unburden you a bit. I need one!

I haven't been in contact with blue, but she did announce that she had to leave. She said something about a stalker. That's just horrible that she's been victimized in such a way. I hope she someday returns under a new name.

Oh, thanks, Soupe. Bummer.

He has a pdoc and therapist. But hes not honest with them. I have to intervene and he gets mad that I do. Thanks tho. Only a few places take our insurance so we're limited on options. And this place just doesn't have good care.

Okay. Well, I have found county care to be surprisingly good and empathetic in two OR counties, one rural.

I'm on the eastern side of Washington. Very conservative, that might be why the care sucks. Lol...

Got it. They and Eastern OR are trying to secede and join Idaho, as you must know. For real. Collecting signatures.

@bpcyclist, on another thread (that I'm blocked from responding to) you asked why PC doesn't get more new people, or why they don't stay. Well, if you see the thread Hi, new here a new member had the courage to post for the first time here at about 12:30 pm. They've only received ONE response, and that was one from yours truly. If you would (and anybody else seeing this post), maybe welcome that member. It's important that "regulars" be welcoming to a great degree. I would have wanted to have responded to that thread earlier, but I was off the computer.

Great point. Just posted there. Try to do better. Always did it on head-fi, like a religion. Thanks.

The extreme fatigue and dizziness continue, but there are hopeful signs the worst is over. This CFS flare-up has been the worst I have had in a decade, and it almost drove me into deep despair. Thankfully, my meds are working well and there are no signs of depression.

Tomorrow I meet with a new pdoc as my last one retired suddenly. I’m nervous about the appointment. My history is extensive so there will be a lot to cover. I just hope he is the right fit as I’m too exhausted and poor to have to shop around. I’m working on a list of key points that I need him to be able to do. First, he can’t mess with my meds as they are working great. Secondly, he must believe the CFS/Fibromyalgia is a physical illness and that I’m not depressed. Finally, I need him to support me in a very long slow taper off benzodiazepines. My body is too weak to handle withdrawals. Also, I have insomnia from the CFS so I need help with that. At the moment I take antihistamines and/or Seroquel which usually works. I hate having to take sleep meds. Maybe he has better ideas.

The appointment will last at least an hour so I will be exhausted. As I won’t be able to drive home my parents are taking me. I feel so embarrassed and sad. It should be me helping my parents, not the other way around. This physical illness is crushing my self esteem and making staying positive a constant battle.

My T wants me to text him after the appointment. I think he is concerned about my state of mind should it go badly. I was in a bad way when I saw him Wednesday. Saying I wished I had of died nine years ago when I made a serious attempt on my life. I have not been able to achieve anything since then due to severe mental and physical illness. I have a kind of survivors guilt as many others didn’t make it who would have been able to contribute more than me, I guess I wonder why I survived. There doesn’t seem to be any point.

Sorry to be so dark. Life has not been kind to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wander The extreme fatigue and dizziness continue, but there are hopeful signs the worst is over. This CFS flare-up has been the worst I have had in a decade, and it almost drove me into deep despair. Thankfully, my meds are working well and there are no signs of depression. I'm so sorry you've had such a miserable flare-up. Great, though, that your meds are doing the job Tomorrow I meet with a new pdoc as my last one retired suddenly. I’m nervous about the appointment. My history is extensive so there will be a lot to cover. I just hope he is the right fit as I’m too exhausted and poor to have to shop around. I’m working on a list of key points that I need him to be able to do. First, he can’t mess with my meds as they are working great. Secondly, he must believe the CFS/Fibromyalgia is a physical illness and that I’m not depressed. Good for you! Making the list is excellent, and it's essential that he accepts CFS/Fibro as reality, and knows that right off. Finally, I need him to support me in a very long slow taper off benzodiazepines. My body is too weak to handle withdrawals. Also, I have insomnia from the CFS so I need help with that. At the moment I take antihistamines and/or Seroquel which usually works. I hate having to take sleep meds. Maybe he has better ideas. Again, excellent. A very slow taper is a must. When I finally start tapering off Klonopin I'd like to take a full year to do it; maybe a bit faster if my pdoc will agree to the Ashton Method. The appointment will last at least an hour so I will be exhausted. As I won’t be able to drive home my parents are taking me. I feel so embarrassed and sad. It should be me helping my parents, not the other way around. This physical illness is crushing my self esteem and making staying positive a constant battle. Oh, wow...I would feel honored to help either of my adult children get needed health care. Please try not to feel bad, Wander. My T wants me to text him after the appointment. I think he is concerned about my state of mind should it go badly. I was in a bad way when I saw him Wednesday. Saying I wished I had of died nine years ago when I made a serious attempt on my life. I have not been able to achieve anything since then due to severe mental and physical illness. I have a kind of survivors guilt as many others didn’t make it who would have been able to contribute more than me, I guess I wonder why I survived. There doesn’t seem to be any point. Sorry to be so dark. Life has not been kind to me. No sorries. I hope the appointment tomorrow goes wonderfully well. Please keep us posted.

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Hugs, Wander. Hugs and love.

I know little about CFS, but I know a lot about depression and the two share a ton in terms of neurochemistry. Have you ever tried memantine or ketamine? Might be worth reading about. Say a prayer tonight for your meeting.

I got an error message when I clicked the link.

He thinks he is a dog. Pizza in the oven getting big.

I went in a ZOOM support group tonight. There was a woman there i met 25 years ago. She looks as pretty as ever. I look like i've aged 100 years. I turned the video of me off after a while. That was better. The two hours passed quickly. It was pretty tame. No surprises.

I'm bored and lonely but i remind myself it's COVID-19, a global pandemic, and so are a lot of people. No juice again today. (Energy.)

@Wander: I hope your appointment goes well. Sounds like you are well-prepared so you've done all you can.

What is a zoom support group?

I can’t sleep. Just having increasing anxiety and I can’t stop thinking about one particular thing. I know it’s stupid as it’s not even a definite thing yet. Just a lot of anxiety over potential family drama. I don’t want to offend anyone but in the end there’s no way around it. Not that I see, at least. I really shouldn’t be worrying about it as it will not happen for a few years anyway but once my mind latches on to something it won’t let go.

I haven’t had this much anxiety in awhile. I’m getting self harm dreams again. I’ve had three in the past week, including one last night. That’s how I know I’m stressed.

I’m grateful for my son’s therapist. I think it will work out well for him, and me. He’s also a family therapist. I feel like a fish out of water with my son. I want to do right by him but my mom was a ****** mom growing up so I’ve got nothing to go on. My son’s attitude is getting snippier. I want to figure out how we can increase communication without me just yelling at him. That’s not productive at all. I don’t want him to be pushed off and scared of me, but I also need to have firm boundaries and let him know that I’m in charge. I don’t know how to balance the two. Hopefully this therapist can help both of us.

I really hope you are able to get the help you need, all of you, wfc. Hugs. Kids are tough. Have not spoken to my son in 9 years. Been very sick. Quite sad.

Thanks. I had ketamine once as an anaesthesia for ECT and went psychotic for a week. It was an awful experience. I’m very sensitive to meds.

Well, so sorry
That was a much bigger dose than used for depression.

in pain (physical)

plus: didn't sleep, surprise ****ing surprise

showered, but that took down my mood about another 100 percent (yuck I look so ugly I swear!)

My son is out of control tonight. I'm going to have to call his pdoc. God I don't know why life is so unfair. I'm having serious si. Hes on 16 mgs of perphenazine, 6 mgs of invega, and 10 mgs of zyprexa every 4 days or so. His pdoc wants him on the injection but my son wont go on it. I'm so worn out. I also have immobilizing back pain. I had surgery on my back 12 yrs ago but weight gain and not being mobile have caused it to just get w)worse. I don't understand why I'm alive. I guess God just wants to torture me. I have horrible 4-5 hour long panic attacks. I have this BP which is hell. My son is very ill.

We cant watch certain shows and tonight he said that if we do hell get drugged worse. He takes 5 minutes to wash his hands and another 5 minutes to dry them. He does this like 50 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. We're going through soap like crazy. And we're broke. He wants a new toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash bc he says the ones he has got contaminated and if he doesn't get new ones he'll be drugged more. We are going through dish towels like crazy bc he says it gets contaminated. So we're going through laundry soap like crazy. It's the voices telling him these things I think. He said he cant tell me everything bc his life will be in danger. Tonight I used a fork for macaroni salad and I washed it. He says bc i touched my cooked chicken with it the fork is contaminated. After he washes his hands he takes like 20 minutes for him to do anything bc he says they have to be sand paper dry. When he puts his shoes on he has to wash his hands and go through the ritual. When he does anything he has to wash his hands.

Tonight he was throwing fits and yelling bc i said no, we're not throwing the fork away. I was worried the police would be called. He is very ill. His pdoc told me his schizoaffective is one of the worse case hes seen. Him yelling at me just triggers my PTSD. I really need to be dealing with all the traumas I've been through in therapy. Instead I'm trying to find ways to cope with miserable panic attacks. Just why am I here?

I am so sorry, hon. Pls call tat pdoc asap.