[Fuzzybear]

I read a post on here by someone (Wild Coyote in fact) where I think she said something along the lines of, if we isolate, we cannot receive feedback into our behaviours etc. I do tend to isolate (I ''always'' have done..) I have received feedback from someone on here (meant in a kind way) that I am sometimes outspoken (so is he) and from someone else, that they find it hard to understand how anyone could perceive me as outspoken, how I'm courteous and respectful etc. I guess both are true of me. I can be very quiet, and other times I can be outspoken. I have also received feedback from some professionals irl which has been less helpful to me (and very conflicting...) (and of course, from family,..) Occasionally on another forum (not pc) I have read a post which I am sure is directed at me, unkind and not accurate. I very rarely go there any more. I was not a regular poster there for very long. I am certain I'm not imagining it. Someone there who I trust completely agrees with me (its a forum for ''social anxiety''... I tried to be supportive there. The majority do not appreciate anyone who is a bit different. It's not of interest to me any more, that place although I did learn some useful things there. Also I often do not agree with the moderators decisions there. Sometimes extremely so. I try to learn something new every day. Thanks and appreciation to everyone here who is so supportive and insightful

[Fuzzybear]

Emotional overwhelm I was just now having dinner with Papa bear and I was trying to describe a situation to him.

I try to leave gaps in between my sentences, gaps in between any information I give him.

I have, again, overwhelmed him. I do not know what I keep doing wrong. It's distressing to me .. he is now in the loo, almost being sick



Sometimes I wonder why I am on this planet The mother said I am not ''good enough'' for him. His mother said he could have ''done better'' than me

ok.. so.. how do I move on from this (rhetorical question

last night I deleted several of my posts. Maybe I ''should'' phone a help line. I am not at all optimistic that they would help

[Fuzzybear]

Five or ten minutes later, he is still in the loo, at least it is flushing now

ETA I just flushed away some GARBAGE from a person irl who I want to have NO contact with, EVER

GIGO

Garbage in

Garbage OUT

[Fuzzybear]

I am TIRED of being me.

I do not have time to delete this thread.

I have to stay away from papa bear for the rest of the evening and night.

[Soupe du jour]

Hi Fuzzy. You know, I don't think that sometimes being outspoken is always a bad thing. I am not saying I think you are or aren't, though. I see you as open and liking to share and have others share with you. Those are definitely good things, in my book.

It makes me sad that you frequently write about others' judgement towards you, and your judgement towards yourself. I can clearly see the pain that causes you. I suppose it is easy for me to simply suggest that you say "F" what people think, but I wish there was a way for you to work towards that. And as for your self judgement, please be kind to yourself. You are a good lady who has feelings, and you deserve credit for your many lovely characteristics, which far far outnumber, I think, any negative ones.

I wish you could soon find a therapist that understands more of the above. They are out there. I know it! What exactly do you want in a therapist? Who would you be comfortable with? Besides just managing bipolar disorder (and its triggers) what else would be best for them to specialize in? You need not answer my questions to me, but I hope you will consider them as a stepping stone for helping yourself. You have the power.

[fern46]

Hey Fuzzy, Wild Coyote shared something helpful as it is important that we not isolate. Sharing with others and receiving feedback is an important aspect of self analysis and growth.

I wholeheartedly agree with Soupe as well. Feedback from others can be a hinderence when we lose ourselves in it and adopt the judgments of others as our own. You are a lovely person with so much to offer and I agree learning to give less 'F's about what others think would be a healthy shift for you.

It is all about balance. We cannot be so lost in our little worlds that we lose the ability to see how we are perceived and we cannot be so hyper aware that we get lost in the perceptions of others.

We must trust our hearts and our good intent and try not to worry too much about how it affects others. If we are focused on living right and honoring ourselves, we in turn honor others. That is not to say that we won't hurt others from time to time. We will. However, if we hold love and hope for resolution, conflicts work themselves out. Others can see our intent and forgive. You're not malicious and you're a good person. Trust in that and focus on building what you want for yourself. Be open to feedback, but remember... You are the driver of your life. Letting others take the wheel will never fully get you where you want to go.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks Soupe du jour and fern

I agree with both of you (including about learning to give less F's about what others think especially those who don't get me and don't even try) Papa bear doesn't give an F about what others think, he passes as ''normal'' though more than I do, not that I aspire to being ''normal'' (also he is usually not sociable outside work as I may have mentioned before) He likes the TV in the evenings and I do not. He has siblings who he doesn't talk to very often (although they care about each other.. unlike my half ''brother'' who is an A hole. We invited him here several times and he simply did not turn up... A while ago now. I've lost his address..)

Papa bear wasn't able to finish his supper (salmon) but felt a bit better later on and we had chocolate pudding and ice cream He is now asleep I tried to explain a situation or two to him, I must remember not to try that during Feeding Time in the evenings

[Fuzzybear]

I made a post about ''peer groups'' somewhere else. (on pc) I tend not to get very much feedback there. I guess its the same (or similar) topic. As I mentioned, somewhere else (not pc) was very unsupportive and mean. (several ''trolls''....) I don't want to clog up this forum with all my posts when I have a lot to say

[bpcyclist]

Fuzzer, I experience you as wondrously childlike, extremely supportive of others, selfless, loving, and very unkind and judgmental toward you. It hurts my heart deeply.

WC has shared much wisdom here. I have had conflicts with two people here. One, I believed was repeatedly publicly shaming and denigrating me in front of the entire group here. The other, I have pretty much always experienced essentially as hating my very soul and hoping I did not exist, I suppose. It is not particularly subtle. I have done my best to try to address the perceived concerns, which I believe to be basically that I am a pompous, officious *** who is profoundly enamored with how stunning and spectacular he is. It has been my experience over the past 15 yrs that this is an uncommon criticism. Hard to be fond of oneself w ith what I have lived through. But my critic rejects alll that because I am a jerk. Okay.

Fine. But I, myself, do not share that position. Perhaps that is an error. Dunno.

So, one of the great lessons of AA is that others' opinions of us are none of our business. I agree. Can you try to incorporate that concept into your life?

I believe therapy cld really help you. Pls consider it. You are your own biggest critic. Like me. I now realize that this derives from being born blind with a silly-looking eye and stumbling and falling for five yrs and being brutalized by other kids and even adults. My conclusion at age two or three was that I did not deserve to be alive and should die. I now recognize this as false. My psychologist at OSH showed me this. I love her. Trying to build self esteem now. Trying.

I want you to try to find the origin of your not fairly valuing you. What is that about? It came from you. Sorry. I believe that. Please go find that answer.

Always here for you. Always and forever. You are a treasure.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks bpcyclist

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Fuzzer, I experience you as wondrously childlike, extremely supportive of others, selfless, loving, and very unkind and judgmental toward you. It hurts my heart deeply.

WC has shared much wisdom here. I have had conflicts with two people here. One, I believed was repeatedly publicly shaming and denigrating me in front of the entire group here. The other, I have pretty much always experienced essentially as hating my very soul and hoping I did not exist, I suppose. It is not particularly subtle. I have done my best to try to address the perceived concerns, which I believe to be basically that I am a pompous, officious *** who is profoundly enamored with how stunning and spectacular he is. It has been my experience over the past 15 yrs that this is an uncommon criticism. Hard to be fond of oneself w ith what I have lived through. But my critic rejects alll that because I am a jerk. Okay.

Fine. But I, myself, do not share that position. Perhaps that is an error. Dunno.

So, one of the great lessons of AA is that others' opinions of us are none of our business. I agree. Can you try to incorporate that concept into your life?

I believe therapy cld really help you. Pls consider it. You are your own biggest critic. Like me. I now realize that this derives from being born blind with a silly-looking eye and stumbling and falling for five yrs and being brutalized by other kids and even adults. My conclusion at age two or three was that I did not deserve to be alive and should die. I now recognize this as false. My psychologist at OSH showed me this. I love her. Trying to build self esteem now. Trying.

I want you to try to find the origin of your not fairly valuing you. What is that about? It came from you. Sorry. I believe that. Please go find that answer.

Always here for you. Always and forever. You are a treasure.