[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Found the perfect gift for mum. She told everyone she wants nothing. But she has a ceramic Christmas tree she loves. The star was lost and a few of the lights. So I ordered a replacement pack from Amazon! She’ll. Love it. 💕

That's so nice! It made me smile because I have a ceramic Christmas tree that I love, too. My mom made it decades ago in a ceramic class. I used to put it next to my old birds' cages so that they had a Christmas tree, too. I am bringing it to Czech Republic with me, but will need a converter and adapter for it.

[Soupe du jour]

Our house buyer is coming with his inspector and realtor this Friday in the afternoon. I'm a little nervous about that because they will surely find some things that we'll need to fix/address. More money to spend, for sure. Or, potential bargaining.

I had my video therapy session a few minutes ago. She asked me when would be our last session. I told her that I wasn't 100% sure, but that it could be two or three weeks from today. She's a nice woman, but I haven't really felt that she's helped me that much in recent months. I will continue video appointments with my psychiatrist, even after we move to Czech Republic. Hopefully we'll get set up with health insurance there quickly (maybe after a few weeks or so), but I do still need some support person during the transition period. My psychiatrist is my first choice. I'll have plenty of extra medications with me for any possible increases/changes, during any interim period.

Some good news about health insurance, in Czech Republic, is that Hubby now believes that I will very quickly qualify for the state insurance. Not need to buy any private plan. Of course everyone in Czech Republic contributes to the system, but the amount of the contribution? Extremely small amount compared to in the US. Extremely small amount.

Not sure if I mentioned this before, but Hubby and I will likely be taking a road trip in the US before our departure. It's not so much for vacation-sake, as it is to simply put miles on our new car. Doing so will help decrease the amount of money we'd be charged for bring a "newer" car to Europe. We'd like to put a little over 3,000 miles on it. It will also be something to do during the interim of when our stuff is shipped to Europe, and when it is received in Czech Republic. I created a plan for the road trip, which can seen at:

Home, down to several southern states, then on to Knoxville:
Google Maps (2,941 miles)

Then, Knoxville on through Great Smoky Mountains, back to home:
Google Maps (717 miles)

Total Miles = 3,658 plus more for local driving

[Mountaindewed]

Therapy went ok until I told her about the SA last Saturday night. Then it was all the we need to sign a contract we need to tell Pdoc, possibly inpatient or out patient. Kind of stuff. Like the incident happened over a week ago chill the **** out. Then she wants to know about the other stuff I’ve been doing and if I don’t tell then I’ll get into big trouble. I really don’t want to tell her I’ve been taking a lot more Xanax then I am prescribed and also I stopped the remeron and visteril pdoc prescribed. I stopped them a few weeks ago. I also only take one propalanol when I’m prescribed 2 a day. I’ve been doing that for years. I also really screw around with the timing of my meds and I’ve been eating a lot of weight loss products which have been working. I really don’t want to tell her all that. But she said if I’m not honest then I can’t have any more sessions until I finish an out patient program. And I for some reason was laughing a lot towards the end because I felt really nervous and kinda manic. Then after we were done I put on my poker face and helped my mom move a couch because I am sickening and living a double life. I will not answer the phone if Pdoc calls. I don’t feel like dealing with any of them. That’s the whole reason I wanted to go to every other week. Now I can forget about her for 2 weeks. And as soon as I was done I took 2 Xanax because I have an addiction. I think maybe I won’t tell her about the Xanax.

[Blue_Bird]

I went to the library earlier and returned some stuff plus picked up a new book. The Shining by Stephen King. Still have some requests I'm waiting on, they should be in next week.

Have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

My anxiety was really bad yesterday but seems to be a lot better today.

My sister is supposed to stop by with my money (she's my rep payee) and Christmas tree if she has time today after work. So then I can get started on my Christmas shopping this week.

Have to take the bus to go grocery shopping tomorrow too. I haven't been in quite awhile. I think I went once or twice last month at the max and then just lived on stuff I ordered from amazon, nutrition shakes, protein bars, etc and then the thanksgiving food from my sister's house. Going grocery shopping always gives me anxiety, it just makes me nervous because I have a hard time finding stuff, not that there's not enough, it's just that don't know what aisles things are in, and it's hard to see the signs above. I feel awkward around people and in line. I always feel like I'm not bagging my stuff fast enough and that people in line behind me are getting mad. They probably aren't but that's just my anxiety.

It will be nice to have some fresh fruit and vegetables in here though.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by dsmith

Sorry you feel that way; what is it about therapy that you don't like? Maybe yu could look for a different therapist?

I just either lose control or shut down when I have therapy and I don’t like doing or feeling like that. I should have a new therapist by may.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Therapy went ok until I told her about the SA last Saturday night. Then it was all the we need to sign a contract we need to tell Pdoc, possibly inpatient or out patient. Kind of stuff. Like the incident happened over a week ago chill the **** out. Then she wants to know about the other stuff I’ve been doing and if I don’t tell then I’ll get into big trouble. I really don’t want to tell her I’ve been taking a lot more Xanax then I am prescribed and also I stopped the remeron and visteril pdoc prescribed. I stopped them a few weeks ago. I also only take one propalanol when I’m prescribed 2 a day. I’ve been doing that for years. I also really screw around with the timing of my meds and I’ve been eating a lot of weight loss products which have been working. I really don’t want to tell her all that. But she said if I’m not honest then I can’t have any more sessions until I finish an out patient program. And I for some reason was laughing a lot towards the end because I felt really nervous and kinda manic. Then after we were done I put on my poker face and helped my mom move a couch because I am sickening and living a double life. I will not answer the phone if Pdoc calls. I don’t feel like dealing with any of them. That’s the whole reason I wanted to go to every other week. Now I can forget about her for 2 weeks. And as soon as I was done I took 2 Xanax because I have an addiction. I think maybe I won’t tell her about the Xanax.

Md, You do have a double life. If you keep playing around with all those substances you may not have a life, at all. PLEASE tell your pdoc the truth about what you're taking, not taking, time schedule (or lack of). You need support and help!!

[Moose72]

Photo of my living room lights and the blanket that my mom is crocheting for me. There are going to be six colors divided by black.

[Mountaindewed]

Honestly I guess everything I’ve been doing revolves back to food and weight loss. I take myself off meds because they cause increased hunger. I take my meds at different times to avoid hunger. I use melatonin and cough syrup so I can sleep through my hunger. Weight loss food is obviously because I’m trying to lose weight. I guess everything I do goes back to food and weight loss some way.

[Victoria'smom]

Md, that's really good you recognize that everything comes down to weight loss for you

[Moose72]

Watching "Bipolarized" on Amazon. I've seen it once before but I'm re-watching it.

@Moose72: Your home looks very festive and the blanket is lovely!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Honestly I guess everything I’ve been doing revolves back to food and weight loss. I take myself off meds because they cause increased hunger. I take my meds at different times to avoid hunger. I use melatonin and cough syrup so I can sleep through my hunger. Weight loss food is obviously because I’m trying to lose weight. I guess everything I do goes back to food and weight loss some way.

I very much understand . Have you mentioned this, even just a little bit, to your mental health team?

[*Beth*]

Hey Moose, your home looks so happy! A lot of love shows. Thanks for the pics

Another day that seems better spent not getting about of bed.

[bpcyclist]

Amazing and long day of hiking with daladico. Pictures tomorrow. Hugs.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@Moose72: Your home looks very festive and the blanket is lovely!

I second this!

[bpcyclist]

I have hiked from the West Bank to Thailand. This was the prettiest hike I have ever been on. More tomorrow.

God was with us. Look at the light streaming through th trees. Him. Watching over us. So special. I love daladico so much. Like a daughter to me. Love and hugs.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

BPcyclist, those are amazing. The 3rd one down reminds me of those nature wallpapers that were common in basement rec rooms in the 80s.

thanks for sharing Glad you had a good day

[*Beth*]

cyclist, thanks for those magnificent photos! WOW! Beautiful land, beautiful souls.

It was a rainy day so i just relaxed inside. I got to some quick housework early on but then just took it easy. I'm looking at a COVID Christmas alone but i'm not too worried. I've spent the last twenty-two Christmases alone. It's just another day to me. I just think of how lucky i am to miss all the family squabbles. Sound like people who have family just end up annoyed with them.

It's been a while since i talked to anyone, had a conversation. I wonder if i remember how to?

I got my second-highest play of all time in Scrabble today and it was the same word as my highest! ANTIQUES for 200! What are the odds? I don't even like antiques!

@bpcyclist: Those are some great pictures! How fit and healthy the two of you look! Thanks for sharing!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[bpcyclist]

I love you. Do not give up. pM me, please.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I very much understand . Have you mentioned this, even just a little bit, to your mental health team?

They know a bit. They know I don’t always eat a lot and my therapist does mention eating disorders sometimes. They don’t know how extreme it’s gotten though. I did talk to my mom last night and I told her everything and she wants me to see my therapist every week to discuss these things.

[Soupe du jour]

Bpcyclist, such beautiful photographs. Thanks for sharing! It was so sweet that you and dalico met and enjoyed such a lovely hike together. I'm a little jealous

Moose, your apartment looks so festive with the lights. Mine are all packed already. I am hoping my sister-in-law decorates. We will likely be at her house for Christmas. The blanket is also nice. Do you know how to knit/crochet, too?

[Soupe du jour]

Today we go to Philly for my husband's regular eye appointment. At least it shouldn't be raining. Last time it was a downpour. When we get home, we need to finish some house prep for the potential buyer's inspection.

My nephew referred us to his psychology professor in Brno, Czech Republic. She has been extremely helpful finding recommendations for me for English speaking psychiatrists and a therapist that accept public insurance, in Brno. I told Hubby that we should send her a thank you note and maybe some flowers after our arrival and everything is set.

[daladico]

Yesterday really was an incredible day. @bpc you truly are one of a kind - in the best way - and I am so grateful to have you as my friend!!!

We dream of meeting more of our pc family one day!! We have so much love and deep respect for each of you. What incredible people we have here. Big hugs <3