Self esteem/Assertiveness

Hey guys,

When I saw my Worker last week she said I should get a self esteem book... a book by Melanie Fennel I think. So I did omg I never knew how bad my self confidence is until now. I am shy and reserved but God almighty I'm worse than even I knew.

How do you deal with your self esteem?

Also I'm doing a course at college called GOALS. We are learning about Assertiveness. I again are and I have known all along I am poor at this.

How do you increase your confidence to be assertive?

If your able to offer your thoughts it would be great. I'm really struggling with both aspects

My self-esteem sucks, too. Unfortunately I hate myself too much to believe I deserve better, so there's a nice catch-22 for you. I find that all of the psychological self-help techniques don't really work if you genuinely hate yourself because they all require a degree of self-compassion to get started, which I don't have. I honestly don't know if it's even possible to have self-compassion when you've been raised all your childhood to hate yourself. At some point it just gets too deeply ingrained into who you are. Sorry for being so negative, I hope you have better luck at it.

I suspect that many people who need medication don't seek it or stick with it because they don't believe they deserve to feel well. Just a thought.

I think that sometimes when a person says they have a healthy self esteem, or ability to be assertive, it is sometimes met with judgement, oddly. With that in mind, I'll say that it is OK to give yourself credit when you've done your best. It is important to learn and accept what a "reasonable" best really is. We aren't all going to be stars or super experts. We are going to be infallible, say or do the wrong things sometimes. Everyone does. It's a matter of accepting that as more of a norm, than a failure, and just moving forward, enjoying the present, and not dwelling on the past. The past is gone and will never be again. Intent matters.

For the most part, I've always been a rather assertive person. On occasion, I've gone beyond assertiveness, which has faults. My sister (older than me) has very often not been assertive enough, in her life. Same parents. Same way raised. However, she has become a bit more assertive over the course of her life. How? Some highly difficult situations pushed it. She finally started pushing herself more (Feel the fear and do it, anyway.) The practice of all of this, and seeing positive results, increased her comfort in becoming more assertive, thus increasing her self esteem.

I think we're talking about a bunch of different things here. Self-esteem is not the same as assertiveness. In fact some of the most assertive people I know are actually very insecure on the inside. Similarly, you can be very timid and introverted but still be comfortable with and accepting of who you are on the inside. In my book, that's what good self-esteem means: accepting yourself as a worthy human being, regardless of whether you're outwardly assertive or have an introverted/extroverted personality.

I don't think my low self-esteem shows to most people. I've never let fear get in the way of my goals, and I've achieved most of what I set out to do. I'm a very stubborn person and I almost never give up. But none of that changes the fundamental self-hatred that I have, and the inability to allow myself to be happy or to fathom that anyone could genuinely love me or want me around. Any attempt to change that just makes me feel like I'm lying to myself because I'm too weak to deal with the truth, which is even more pathetic. So, the more I try to get rid of the self-hatred and try to accept myself, the more I despise myself for it.

I think people are born with a predisposition towards an introverted or extroverted personality (or any kind of mix), and different personalities will show good self-esteem in different ways. But nobody is born with self-hatred; that takes a lot of long and hard work by those who are meant to love and protect you.

Yeah I don't believe these 2 are the same i was just asking 2 separate questions

I know, that was mainly a response to Soupe du jour's post which to me does seem to conflate self-esteem with assertiveness.

I don’t struggle much with self esteem but I have very much struggled with being assertive my entire life. I have been working on it [being assertive] over the past year and it has improved some- yay!

“I feel” statements have been helpful for me. And also reflecting on what I want and need in life and then speaking up for those things. It’s definitely a work in progress but being more assertive has definitely made me a happier person.

These are great things to work on- I really believe it takes a lot of deep reflection- wishing you well on this journey! <3

Here are questions I’ve been reflecting on- which are ultimately helping me to be more assertive:

What makes you happy?
What lights you up?
What gives you meaning?
What do you value?

Fight for these things

Good on you for putting in the work and working with you social worker and independently with the book through this. Have you identified what has caused your low self esteem?

I have a friend who also struggles with self esteem, I’ll have to suggest the book- thanks!

I have a lot of issues from childhood- bullied at Primary School ages 7-12 years. Then there is my Dad hitting me. Being told I'm a loser, freak, psycho, special needs, stupid, idiot, spa*, mon**l etc constantly by my family and people at school. I had learning difficulties when I was a kid. My own view on myself that I am pretty much all of the above and more

Same. I was fortunate not to have learning difficulties, but I was always the new kid (8 different schools by the time I was 13) I was not conventionally attractive, and I was much smaller than the other kids, and very shy. The abuse at home was even worse though, from my parents, step-parents and older siblings - I was everyone's whipping post. Several abusive relationships, hasn't helped either.

I wish us both the best, Miss Laura

I am so sorry you went through all of that. It totally makes sense that your self-esteem has been impacted by the negativity/bullying/abuse you faced growing up.

I am proud of you for reaching out and seeking ways to improve your self-esteem.

Have you worked with a therapist who specializes in trauma and/or self-esteem? If not, it may be worth looking into.

I know you are going through a book now, and I bet there are soooo many other good books on the topic too.

There may also be online support groups specific to self-esteem?

You’ve already identified many of the negative self-talk that you have grown to believe about yourself. I would think the next step would be to challenge those thoughts, and also replace the negative self talk with positive self talk. This I’m sure will take a LOT of work and repetition. But it IS possible to reprogram our brains and our beliefs about ourselves.

Another thought would be to seek out people and experiences that are POSITIVE in your life, and release the negative.

Also figuring out your own mantra may help. Some of my mantras over the past few years have been: “I am enough.” “I am strong.” “I am able.” And “So ****ing what.” =) I used to think mantras were silly, but I have grown fond of them and have found them very helpful in my own life, especially when I am struggling. You’ll have to dig deep to find what works for you

Sending you good thoughts through this time of growth 💫

Thank you, I speak to a Therapist but its not the same as seeing her face to face. As its on the phone. But ill try to talk to her next week when she calls. I have done CBT once but it was fir 4 months and that was it

Good article:
How to Tame Your Inner Critic - PsychAlive

Sometimes I think my self esteem is ok. The things I feel bad about though are some of my physical features which I’m taking care of. I like my personality even if it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.