[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Ads. Wow. None for me...yet...but I expect them any time.

I'm still in shock over the death of my friend, James. I just can't imagine never hearing his big, jolly laugh again, or getting a giant bear hug from him. It just feels all wrong.

I had a really nice dream last night that I was shopping in this terrific hippie food store. It was all so healthy and abundant. Weird, in my dreams no one wears masks. I wonder if at some point masks will show up in my dreams?

I feel like I'm on too much medication and want to go off some of it. I'll talk with my therapist today about it, then my pdoc next week. The prob is, I'm not sure which meds I want to decrease (besides all of them....).

I felt the same when my friend Ken died. I miss his big, warm hugs. It's been almost 2 years since he died. Two nights ago, I dreamed about him again. In the dreams Im always surprised to see him.

Your hippie food store sounds nice. Do you remember the types of things that were for sale?

As far as which meds to decrease why not tell your pdoc the symptoms that are bothering you and they might be able to weed out some meds you can reduce/discontinue.

[falcon09]

been so paranoid I haven't left my apartment before today in a week

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I felt the same when my friend Ken died. I miss his big, warm hugs. It's been almost 2 years since he died. Two nights ago, I dreamed about him again. In the dreams Im always surprised to see him.

Your hippie food store sounds nice. Do you remember the types of things that were for sale?

As far as which meds to decrease why not tell your pdoc the symptoms that are bothering you and they might be able to weed out some meds you can reduce/discontinue.

Death is just so bizarre. Someone is there, then they've disappeared.


Haha, yes - in my dream the hippie food store was in a gorgeous town called Mill Valley on the coast just north of San Francisco. They were giving out samples of all sorts of hand-crafted breads and gourmet cheeses, cucumber water that tasted so refreshing, and there were 2 racks of beautiful hand-sewn cotton clothes. I was looking at them thinking I wanted to buy something with my stimulus money , but they were expensive.

Thanks for the idea of what to tell my pdoc! I feel so dense about communicating with her. Your idea is excellent.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by falcon09

been so paranoid I haven't left my apartment before today in a week

I'm so sorry, falcon. Is there anything we can do to help?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Our road trip is almost over.

***Hurray!***

[Soupe du jour]

We arrived back in our home area last night and staying with friends. Hubby and I want to go to a hotel that has a small kitchenette. His friend's wife is going to go through a procedure of sorts in a couple days, and we wouldn't dare accept to stay then, despite them offering for us to. I'd want privacy after such a thing. Plus, frankly, I would like to have more independence than be a guest.

His friend said that his wife is going to make tofu with broccoli for dinner. I happen to like both a lot, but hubby hates both. A lot! Hubby said nothing, but I saw his eyes look panicked. Again, another reason for us to rather rent a hotel suite.

I really wish we could just book the plane tickets and start preparations for departure.

[Mountaindewed]

My Covid test came back negative. I’m super relieved. My second UTI test is still saying there’s one. I feel better though. I don’t feel washed out like I did before. I saw my surgeon this afternoon and he was incredibly happy with my weight loss. He said he doesn’t need to do surgery right now because things are looking good just from the weight loss. He wants to see me in 3 months because there’s still some stuff he wants to do. But he wants to see where my weight is at.

My mental health team, mainly my therapist, needs to lighten up about this whole ED thing. I clearly needed to lose weight.

My next step is to start working on getting approved for a hysterectomy. My emotions get so out of control every month for a week. Then I’m totally fine after.

I feel pretty good mentally since being done with my PMS and I feel a lot better physically because of the antibiotics.

[Daonnachd]

I've got issues, but the most important thing to say to all of yez is that the adverts (which are new to me) are going to drive me away. So although I may stop by a few times a year, I want to wish yez all well and thank yez for the support - those who gave it.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Daonnachd

I've got issues, but the most important thing to say to all of yez is that the adverts (which are new to me) are going to drive me away. So although I may stop by a few times a year, I want to wish yez all well and thank yez for the support - those who gave it.

I’ll miss seeing you around. Please take excellent care of yourself.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

My Covid test came back negative. I’m super relieved. My second UTI test is still saying there’s one. I feel better though....

I'm glad you're feeling an improvement, Md.

I think I have a UTI. I did a home test (2 of them) & it shows no nitrites, only leukocytes. Does your test show leukocytes?

[wildflowerchild25]

Haven’t been around, too much to do with the house buying process. Right now I just need to prove the source of the large deposit in my bank account, which is from my investment account. Working on that with my financial advisor. We’re closer to closing.

Right now though? ****ing FURIOUS. I mean 100% outraged to the point that I had to take Xanax just to have a HOPE of sleeping.

I have now become, at the behest of my beloved grandmother, essentially my mother’s caretaker. I am now appointed unofficial property manager of her house. There is a water leak that she kept to herself, only revealed it because an appraiser has to appraise the house to satisfy my grandfather’s estate. See it was he and my father who co-signed to mortgage and thus owned the home and she never moved the mortgage to her name so technically she doesn’t own the home she lives in. And it’s falling apart and always has been.

Well she obviously has proven pretty much every day that she can’t handle being an adult and is stuck in a child’s mentality. I’ve been taking care of her my entire life or at the very least fending for myself. And my grandma actually said it’s my turn to take care of of her? Seriously though? She did not say it manipulatively, just matter of fact.

I finally got to the point a few months ago that I broke free from the mentality that she is my responsibility but now SHE ACTUALLY IS because my grandmother has requested it and I love my grandmother so much and I would do anything at all for her.

So now I have to find a plumber. This may lead to a whole domino effect, because they might find mold since the leak has been going on for so long. So now I would need a mold inspection to determine the type. Possible renovation of both of the bathrooms. If we can make that liveabke we’re going to stop there because honestly if we did a whole professional inspection there’s a possibility the house would be condemned due to the severity of neglect. I don’t know if there’s anything structurally wrong. I do know the garage is sinking. I do know the whole bay window wood is rotting.

I also know it will be impossible to convince her to get rid of her hoard. That she needs to GO TO ****ING THERAPY. And I shouldn’t ****ing have to.

Honestly the best thing is to sell the house to one of those companies that buys any house and use the money to get her an apartment in a 55+ community. Small apartment, no room for massive hoards. Someone else could flip it and sell it for a decent price because of its desirable location.

I don’t want to ****ing be involved in this. AND my grandma put the onus on ME to tell her I’m stepping in.

This is complete ********. I don’t deserve this. I have to hold my moms hand now until she dies because she refuses to treat her mental illness. Actually when my grandma passes and I no longer have to hold up my promise, I’m walking away again. I will help her if she asks for it but only then.

I’m only doing this because my grandma is, and has always been, my best friend and surrogate mother. She stepped in and took over when my dad died. She’s the only one who’s actually helped me without any judgment.

I’m so sick of bailing my mom out. I say burn the ****ing house to the ground and all the bad memories with it. She can live with grandma.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Haven’t been around, too much to do with the house buying process. Right now I just need to prove the source of the large deposit in my bank account, which is from my investment account. Working on that with my financial advisor. We’re closer to closing.

Right now though? ****ing FURIOUS. I mean 100% outraged to the point that I had to take Xanax just to have a HOPE of sleeping.

I have now become, at the behest of my beloved grandmother, essentially my mother’s caretaker. I am now appointed unofficial property manager of her house. There is a water leak that she kept to herself, only revealed it because an appraiser has to appraise the house to satisfy my grandfather’s estate. See it was he and my father who co-signed to mortgage and thus owned the home and she never moved the mortgage to her name so technically she doesn’t own the home she lives in. And it’s falling apart and always has been.

Well she obviously has proven pretty much every day that she can’t handle being an adult and is stuck in a child’s mentality. I’ve been taking care of her my entire life or at the very least fending for myself. And my grandma actually said it’s my turn to take care of of her? Seriously though? She did not say it manipulatively, just matter of fact.

I finally got to the point a few months ago that I broke free from the mentality that she is my responsibility but now SHE ACTUALLY IS because my grandmother has requested it and I love my grandmother so much and I would do anything at all for her.

So now I have to find a plumber. This may lead to a whole domino effect, because they might find mold since the leak has been going on for so long. So now I would need a mold inspection to determine the type. Possible renovation of both of the bathrooms. If we can make that liveabke we’re going to stop there because honestly if we did a whole professional inspection there’s a possibility the house would be condemned due to the severity of neglect. I don’t know if there’s anything structurally wrong. I do know the garage is sinking. I do know the whole bay window wood is rotting.

I also know it will be impossible to convince her to get rid of her hoard. That she needs to GO TO ****ING THERAPY. And I shouldn’t ****ing have to.

Honestly the best thing is to sell the house to one of those companies that buys any house and use the money to get her an apartment in a 55+ community. Small apartment, no room for massive hoards. Someone else could flip it and sell it for a decent price because of its desirable location.

I don’t want to ****ing be involved in this. AND my grandma put the onus on ME to tell her I’m stepping in.

This is complete ********. I don’t deserve this. I have to hold my moms hand now until she dies because she refuses to treat her mental illness. Actually when my grandma passes and I no longer have to hold up my promise, I’m walking away again. I will help her if she asks for it but only then.

I’m only doing this because my grandma is, and has always been, my best friend and surrogate mother. She stepped in and took over when my dad died. She’s the only one who’s actually helped me without any judgment.

I’m so sick of bailing my mom out. I say burn the ****ing house to the ground and all the bad memories with it. She can live with grandma.

Know that you will manage the situation. One step at a time.

[Soupe du jour]

My husband and I will be leaving his friend's house tomorrow and staying at a local hotel. I'm looking forward to that so that I can finally exhale and do some self-care. The place is a suite room with a little kitchen. That's a huge relief, too. It is our intention to hopefully leave the US in perhaps five to seven days, or so. We'll see.

My poor, poor hubby. Tonight his friend's wife cooked a dinner for us. She made something separate for Hubby (who has a garlic allergy and hates broccoli), but for the rest she made basically garlic with some tofu and garlic with some broccoli. I put garlic before the other two ingredients because that's about the way it was. It's amazing how sensitive you can become to certain potent ingredients when you virtually never have them. As Frank Zappa would say, "There was enough garlic aroma that could level Tacoma." Even I was overwhelmed by it. Hubby's meal was unflavored cooked spinach with unflavored fried tofu, and plain rice. They did offer soy sauce, which was a good thing. I confess that I'm a food snob. Feel free to throw garlic at me. In any case, they were extremely kind to host us these couple days. I guess I'm just yearning so much for my own home again.

I feel good. I won all my games at Scrabble club again tonight. I've won 19 of the last 21 games at Scrabble club! I'm feeling more confident about myself as a player. For about 15 years there my game languished because i spent a year studying some stuff that led to bad strategy and a losing game. I'd get the big plays but lose the game. Now that i've loosened my grip on the big plays, my game has improved and my win-rate has gone up 70%! I'm playing by my wits now. It's less work and more fun. One of my opponents tonight said she likes playing me, that she always learns things. One time she said i'm "shrewd"! What a lovely compliment! I'll treasure it always. My looks got lost but my brains remain!

Hugs to all who struggle!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband and I will be leaving his friend's house tomorrow and staying at a local hotel. I'm looking forward to that so that I can finally exhale and do some self-care. The place is a suite room with a little kitchen. That's a huge relief, too. It is our intention to hopefully leave the US in perhaps five to seven days, or so. We'll see.

My poor, poor hubby. Tonight his friend's wife cooked a dinner for us. She made something separate for Hubby (who has a garlic allergy and hates broccoli), but for the rest she made basically garlic with some tofu and garlic with some broccoli. I put garlic before the other two ingredients because that's about the way it was. It's amazing how sensitive you can become to certain potent ingredients when you virtually never have them. As Frank Zappa would say, "There was enough garlic aroma that could level Tacoma." Even I was overwhelmed by it. Hubby's meal was unflavored cooked spinach with unflavored fried tofu, and plain rice. They did offer soy sauce, which was a good thing. I confess that I'm a food snob. Feel free to throw garlic at me. In any case, they were extremely kind to host us these couple days. I guess I'm just yearning so much for my own home again.

That's revolting. Way too many people do not know how to prepare tofu. Nor use garlic.

[Soupe du jour]

I know that the stress is on because my irritability levels are rising. Little stuff is getting to me. I can't blame others, though. They're my issues.

How I react when my husband and I finally reach Europe is a mystery. I'm more than a little nervous about it.

[yellow_fleurs]

I just had my last session with my current psychiatrist. They did not want to make any changes to my meds since I am moving soon and I agree with that. I asked him about reasons he thinks I might have so much irritability right now and he said his best guess is that I don't quite meet bipolar disorder criteria, but have some of the genetics behind it and that's why I am responding the way I do to medications, etc. I think that could make sense. He suggested I should find a psychiatrist who won't just use an algorithm for my meds and that I might want to look to a research university for a psychiatrist. He said mood stabilization is probably the way to go for me and maybe some alternative things like TMS could be something to consider. I have been interested in TMS actually. Has anyone here tried it?

I am feeling pretty depressed right now on and off, but also trying to keep up my healthy routines and not fall into more depression. I have been keeping up the walks and I have made a goal to actually see some green space at least a couple of times a week. Yesterday I went to a local park and walked/ran for there for a bit. I might try to do that again tomorrow. Going during the week is probably better than the weekend to avoid the crowds. Also continuing to work on my nutrition. I am going to try to do some more packing today to get ready for moving. I have not heard back from that job yet so am a little nervous about that, but fingers crossed.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I know that the stress is on because my irritability levels are rising. Little stuff is getting to me. I can't blame others, though. They're my issues.

How I react when my husband and I finally reach Europe is a mystery. I'm more than a little nervous about it.

I would be very stressed with the move to Europe, even if it is exciting. I am finding just moving to another state where I have lived before to be a bit stressful. Could you come up with a plan now for if things don't go well with your mental health when you move? Hopefully it will all go well and you'll enjoy the new place, though.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Haven’t been around, too much to do with the house buying process. Right now I just need to prove the source of the large deposit in my bank account, which is from my investment account. Working on that with my financial advisor. We’re closer to closing.

Right now though? ****ing FURIOUS. I mean 100% outraged to the point that I had to take Xanax just to have a HOPE of sleeping.

I have now become, at the behest of my beloved grandmother, essentially my mother’s caretaker. I am now appointed unofficial property manager of her house. There is a water leak that she kept to herself, only revealed it because an appraiser has to appraise the house to satisfy my grandfather’s estate. See it was he and my father who co-signed to mortgage and thus owned the home and she never moved the mortgage to her name so technically she doesn’t own the home she lives in. And it’s falling apart and always has been.

Well she obviously has proven pretty much every day that she can’t handle being an adult and is stuck in a child’s mentality. I’ve been taking care of her my entire life or at the very least fending for myself. And my grandma actually said it’s my turn to take care of of her? Seriously though? She did not say it manipulatively, just matter of fact.

I finally got to the point a few months ago that I broke free from the mentality that she is my responsibility but now SHE ACTUALLY IS because my grandmother has requested it and I love my grandmother so much and I would do anything at all for her.

So now I have to find a plumber. This may lead to a whole domino effect, because they might find mold since the leak has been going on for so long. So now I would need a mold inspection to determine the type. Possible renovation of both of the bathrooms. If we can make that liveabke we’re going to stop there because honestly if we did a whole professional inspection there’s a possibility the house would be condemned due to the severity of neglect. I don’t know if there’s anything structurally wrong. I do know the garage is sinking. I do know the whole bay window wood is rotting.

I also know it will be impossible to convince her to get rid of her hoard. That she needs to GO TO ****ING THERAPY. And I shouldn’t ****ing have to.

Honestly the best thing is to sell the house to one of those companies that buys any house and use the money to get her an apartment in a 55+ community. Small apartment, no room for massive hoards. Someone else could flip it and sell it for a decent price because of its desirable location.

I don’t want to ****ing be involved in this. AND my grandma put the onus on ME to tell her I’m stepping in.

This is complete ********. I don’t deserve this. I have to hold my moms hand now until she dies because she refuses to treat her mental illness. Actually when my grandma passes and I no longer have to hold up my promise, I’m walking away again. I will help her if she asks for it but only then.

I’m only doing this because my grandma is, and has always been, my best friend and surrogate mother. She stepped in and took over when my dad died. She’s the only one who’s actually helped me without any judgment.

I’m so sick of bailing my mom out. I say burn the ****ing house to the ground and all the bad memories with it. She can live with grandma.

This sounds like a super hard situation. I am really sorry you are in this position and were when you were younger, too. The 55+ apartment doesn't sound like a bad idea. Do you think your therapist will have any advice for dealing with this?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I just had my last session with my current psychiatrist. They did not want to make any changes to my meds since I am moving soon and I agree with that. I asked him about reasons he thinks I might have so much irritability right now and he said his best guess is that I don't quite meet bipolar disorder criteria, but have some of the genetics behind it and that's why I am responding the way I do to medications, etc. I think that could make sense. He suggested I should find a psychiatrist who won't just use an algorithm for my meds and that I might want to look to a research university for a psychiatrist. He said mood stabilization is probably the way to go for me and maybe some alternative things like TMS could be something to consider. I have been interested in TMS actually. Has anyone here tried it?

I am feeling pretty depressed right now on and off, but also trying to keep up my healthy routines and not fall into more depression. I have been keeping up the walks and I have made a goal to actually see some green space at least a couple of times a week. Yesterday I went to a local park and walked/ran for there for a bit. I might try to do that again tomorrow. Going during the week is probably better than the weekend to avoid the crowds. Also continuing to work on my nutrition. I am going to try to do some more packing today to get ready for moving. I have not heard back from that job yet so am a little nervous about that, but fingers crossed.

I don't have any experience with TMS, but I have a lot of experience with being a psych patient at a very large teaching/research hospital. I wouldn't do it again, if I can help it. The resident doctors are young and don't have much experience with diagnosing/prescribing, they tend to prescribe meds just because they're newer ones, and the residents rotate every year. So every year your pdoc leaves and you get someone new. In addition to all of that, the care is expensive.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

I would be very stressed with the move to Europe, even if it is exciting. I am finding just moving to another state where I have lived before to be a bit stressful. Could you come up with a plan now for if things don't go well with your mental health when you move? Hopefully it will all go well and you'll enjoy the new place, though.

Hi yellow_fleurs. Good luck with your move, as well. I think an action plan, review of coping toolbox, and even crisis plan would be wise. Let's try not to worry too much about the latter, though.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m a bit frustrated today because of the therapy situation. I feel like she’s being hypocritical. She says not to email her. So I take her out of my contacts. Then this morning there’s an email from her. I replied to it and she’s *****ing at me that I’m not following boundaries. Then don’t email me in the first place you yutz. I ended up taking 3 milligrams of Xanax after the email exchange because I just want to be numb the entire day. This morning I did get out shopping to a few international grocery stores I like. I didn’t find anything cool except a Kinder Bar but I got more bananas. Yesterday I ate 3 of them for breakfast.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm glad you're feeling an improvement, Md.

I think I have a UTI. I did a home test (2 of them) & it shows no nitrites, only leukocytes. Does your test show leukocytes?

Mine showed luekocytes twice but no nitrites. My antibiotics really cleared things up though.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I don't have any experience with TMS, but I have a lot of experience with being a psych patient at a very large teaching/research hospital. I wouldn't do it again, if I can help it. The resident doctors are young and don't have much experience with diagnosing/prescribing, they tend to prescribe meds just because they're newer ones, and the residents rotate every year. So every year your pdoc leaves and you get someone new. In addition to all of that, the care is expensive.

Thanks for the feedback. Yeah, I can see how that would be not the best experience. I actually currently am at a mental health clinic that is part of a hospital like that and see a resident, but it's a little different I think because I was already seeing the main pdoc first. So, he knows me really well even if the residents switch and I feel comfortable that he will help with the decision process. I don't know if I would feel the same if I started over somewhere new, though. Something to consider for sure.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Mine showed luekocytes twice but no nitrites. My antibiotics really cleared things up though.

Thank you. My GP is a bi*ch.

I'm sorry about what your T did. That seems unfair to you. I don't blame you for wanting to feel numbed out. I would feel liked I've been shamed if I was treated that way about the email.