[MuddyBoots]

I think Seroquel is causing me to hallucinate. Over the summer when I was on it I was hallucinating a lot, and then I stopped it and went three months without hallucinating and then I started it again two days ago and today I started hearing things.

Talked to my best friend. We're ending our friendship. The final conversation was calm and about as clear as we're going to get on the issue. I'm not here to bash my her. I don't think poorly of her, but I wish she would take accountability for what she does, or fails to do, in order to move forward in our friendship. She won't do it. She doubled down with some unknown mental illness she can't explain to me and doesn't know how to try because "I'll just think she's using it as a crutch". If I am honest, I find that a load of BS, not that she may have been diagnosed with something other than what I have previously known of her, but the idea that she has some illness that I couldn't understand (she can't even tell me what its called?) or even if its just a set of symptoms, I find it very difficult to believe it takes away her accountability for her words or actions.

Just to be clear, as someone who also deals with mental health issues, I'm not oblivious to how mental health affects people. I am a firm believer that mental illness manifests in different ways and people cope and deal and adapt in a way uniquely their own. Therefore I am not trying to compare what literally may seem like apples and oranges. However there are underlying themes and symptoms that make it relatable. I'm not asking for an apology out of context. I have on many occasions apologized for my actions. When I am depressed I shut down and I disappear, I've literally left my friend in question a nervous wreck not knowing if I was ok because I couldn't muster the strength to even be around people or pick up a phone. The situation is what it is, it's not mean-spirited or an attempt to hurt anyone. But in the end, I left people upset and scared. When I dip out, I do feel bad because I've neglected those I've cared about. A man with anger issues shoots someone, damage was still done. It's not pardonable simply because its a scenario different than what most experience.


I'm not saying she doesn't care, but I am saying she refuses to believe in becoming more than it. I explained to her I can't accept her not taking responsibility because in my experience, we get stuck in a cycle and unless we make a path forward to try to break it, it doesn't stop and the same actions continue and the same people get hurt. I reached out even further, and explained maybe this new issue she has is just very new and she hasn't learned how to manage it through just to get through the day. I can give her time and space to do that, but I can't accept it until she can accepts her actions are her own. I wasn't expecting a total 180 overnight or even periods where space and time are needed... but unless she held herself accountable for her, I couldn't continue.

She's not willing to do that, so it is what it is.

The issue has progressed over a year, and is just to the point where I don't think there's benefit anymore. Just to give you an idea of what this is all about anyway, we live in different states and we aren't physically around each other much but we've always tried to stay in communication and spend time together. Naturally thats waned some in the last 3 years she's been gone, and the 10002929 things life throws at us that make any random moment a bit more difficult to connect -- there's all that. There's a natural sense of separation. But she doesn't reach out, and she ignores my messages when I do. She'll answer maybe one in 10, if I'm lucky. If I do get her attention and say we video chat the entire time she's playing a game in the background or texting someone else. I find those things rather hurtful because it's like she's putting in no effort for the friendship. I would like to see that change.


"I have depression and anxiety and you don't understand the **** I'm going through. I ignore everyone, it's not just you. You can't be a real friend if you don't understand that. "blah blah blah. -- it's that stuff I can't handle. Why not just say things, with context, for what they are. "I've not been the greatest friend. I'm under a lot of stress and my mental health struggles are getting the better of me. I feel distracted a lot and I've not been there for you. I'm sorry." -- at least thats closer to the factual truth than demeaning me for not accepting you have mental health issues that don't make you culpable for what you do.

That said -- she was my best friend and I love and care about her. This isn't an attack on her. I really do hope she figures her stuff out to a point where she feels in control again, I really do. I wish her the best and I wish for her to find peace. I know how hard it is to struggle -- we all have been there. So, keep her in your thoughts for me if you will. I want the best for her, but to protect myself -- I have to take a back burner.

I said my say to her, and she's said hers. It's what it is, and I stand where I stand.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel kinda weird today. I don’t have the massive anxiety I had been getting. But I don’t feel great either. I spent all day reading a book instead of watching TV or surfing the web. I got food from Sonic though. I didn’t have any coffee or soda either for the first time in days. I guess I just feel kinda emotional about my move. My moms been packing all day. I just feel kinda weird. I slept well for the second night in a row. Maybe I’m just not used to having such low anxiety.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

Talked to my best friend. We're ending our friendship. The final conversation was calm and about as clear as we're going to get on the issue. I'm not here to bash my her. I don't think poorly of her, but I wish she would take accountability for what she does, or fails to do, in order to move forward in our friendship. She won't do it. She doubled down with some unknown mental illness she can't explain to me and doesn't know how to try because "I'll just think she's using it as a crutch". If I am honest, I find that a load of BS, not that she may have been diagnosed with something other than what I have previously known of her, but the idea that she has some illness that I couldn't understand (she can't even tell me what its called?) or even if its just a set of symptoms, I find it very difficult to believe it takes away her accountability for her words or actions.

Just to be clear, as someone who also deals with mental health issues, I'm not oblivious to how mental health affects people. I am a firm believer that mental illness manifests in different ways and people cope and deal and adapt in a way uniquely their own. Therefore I am not trying to compare what literally may seem like apples and oranges. However there are underlying themes and symptoms that make it relatable. I'm not asking for an apology out of context. I have on many occasions apologized for my actions. When I am depressed I shut down and I disappear, I've literally left my friend in question a nervous wreck not knowing if I was ok because I couldn't muster the strength to even be around people or pick up a phone. The situation is what it is, it's not mean-spirited or an attempt to hurt anyone. But in the end, I left people upset and scared. When I dip out, I do feel bad because I've neglected those I've cared about. A man with anger issues shoots someone, damage was still done. It's not pardonable simply because its a scenario different than what most experience.

I'm not saying she doesn't care, but I am saying she refuses to believe in becoming more than it. I explained to her I can't accept her not taking responsibility because in my experience, we get stuck in a cycle and unless we make a path forward to try to break it, it doesn't stop and the same actions continue and the same people get hurt. I reached out even further, and explained maybe this new issue she has is just very new and she hasn't learned how to manage it through just to get through the day. I can give her time and space to do that, but I can't accept it until she can accepts her actions are her own. I wasn't expecting a total 180 overnight or even periods where space and time are needed... but unless she held herself accountable for her, I couldn't continue.

She's not willing to do that, so it is what it is.

The issue has progressed over a year, and is just to the point where I don't think there's benefit anymore. Just to give you an idea of what this is all about anyway, we live in different states and we aren't physically around each other much but we've always tried to stay in communication and spend time together. Naturally thats waned some in the last 3 years she's been gone, and the 10002929 things life throws at us that make any random moment a bit more difficult to connect -- there's all that. There's a natural sense of separation. But she doesn't reach out, and she ignores my messages when I do. She'll answer maybe one in 10, if I'm lucky. If I do get her attention and say we video chat the entire time she's playing a game in the background or texting someone else. I find those things rather hurtful because it's like she's putting in no effort for the friendship. I would like to see that change.

"I have depression and anxiety and you don't understand the **** I'm going through. I ignore everyone, it's not just you. You can't be a real friend if you don't understand that. "blah blah blah. -- it's that stuff I can't handle. Why not just say things, with context, for what they are. "I've not been the greatest friend. I'm under a lot of stress and my mental health struggles are getting the better of me. I feel distracted a lot and I've not been there for you. I'm sorry." -- at least thats closer to the factual truth than demeaning me for not accepting you have mental health issues that don't make you culpable for what you do.

That said -- she was my best friend and I love and care about her. This isn't an attack on her. I really do hope she figures her stuff out to a point where she feels in control again, I really do. I wish her the best and I wish for her to find peace. I know how hard it is to struggle -- we all have been there. So, keep her in your thoughts for me if you will. I want the best for her, but to protect myself -- I have to take a back burner.

I said my say to her, and she's said hers. It's what it is, and I stand where I stand.

I'm so sorry. You're handling this in a really mature, admirable way.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Hubby and I are going into Prague today to visit friends and run errands. One friend is actually the one we stayed with (garlic house) in NJ. That friend travels between the US and Czech Republic frequently throughout the year, for business. It's nice that we will continue to see him, regularly.

Yesterday was an intensely tiring day, but productive. We set up a bank account, ordered new cell phones, TV/internet service, and even bought a nice used car. It is a Honda Jazz. A type not available in the US. Our car we had in the US will be shipped to us at a later date.

Thanks for the update!!!!!
bizi

[*Beth*]

My best friend of 53 years has had a heart attack. She's in San Antonio. Her daughter told me C. will be having a "procedure" so I hope I find out soon what that involves. I'm worried sick, and when I get worried I tend to get cranky.

I respectfully declined engaging in a debate on another board. Certainly not what I come to the forum for.

[wildflowerchild25]

My fiancé’s boss tested positive. The boss he works with in close contact all day long. They don’t wear masks because they work on trucks and other equipment. It’s almost a guarantee that he will test positive. I mean, maybe not, but it could be. I have a fifty fifty shot as I’ve had the first vaccine. My son could get it too but it will be hard to tell because of his sinus problems. The congestion already causes him to be nauseous quite often because of the drainage. He does have a cough now though coming from his chest so I’m nervous. I’ve been nauseous all day but that happens from vertigo. And RS feels fine. So maybe we will escape it. I hope so!

Termite inspection went well, the person said there’s no active infestation just the previous damage. Said they could fix it for $1k. We’ll ask the sellers and see what they say.

I had another anxiety response to RS touching me last night. Just cuddling. It’s getting worse. It’s like a damn game of mental health whack a mole. One issue gets squashed, another pops up. I couldn’t sleep for hours even after taking seroquel and Xanax. I had to take extra Xanax and seroquel at like 1am. I never would have done that on a weekday, I function better on less sleep than with a med hangover, but I thought I could sleep in. But I got a phone call at 8:15am and couldn’t go back to sleep knowing I had to be up anyway. I did take a nap later though which I haven’t done in a long time.

I think if I initiate intimacy such as cuddling on my own it won’t be so anxiety inducing because I’ll be in control and it won’t feel like a prelude to something unwanted.

[MuddyBoots]

I hope your best friend is okay and that the procedure does its job, Beth

[bizi]

Originally Posted by BethRags

My best friend of 53 years has had a heart attack. She's in San Antonio. Her daughter told me C. will be having a "procedure" so I hope I find out soon what that involves. I'm worried sick, and when I get worried I tend to get cranky.

I respectfully declined engaging in a debate on another board. Certainly not what I come to the forum for.

I am so sorry that your best friend has had a heart attack.
keep us updated.
bizi

[Moose72]

Not feeling particularly happy today. I got up and got a Tim Hortons coffee and came home and sat for about 45 minutes watching the boob tube. Then I left for my mammogram. That went well. Won't know the results for several days. Oh yeah and when I got back from this appointment, I did laundry but I forgot to wash my bras! Ugh! I don't want to spend $2 to just wash them. I hang them to dry sometimes and this would save me a few dollars. I've been reading Touched With Fire and all the old quotes are interesting but it is a little triggering. It reminds me of a song I have a recording of that goes "O death! O death rock me asleep!" What is the point of this book- to show how artists have a bigger affinity toward depression and mania? Why does she need 260 pages plus appendices to explain how it feels to be depressed and manic? That famous artists throughout history have written as much is fascinating but maybe not worth almost 300 pages- with appendices? I myself have always been creative and emotional but I thought that's just how my family is.

[Moose72]

Beth, sorry to hear about your friend. I hope things get better and that the procedure goes well.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Not feeling particularly happy today. I got up and got a Tim Hortons coffee and came home and sat for about 45 minutes watching the boob tube. Then I left for my mammogram. That went well. Won't know the results for several days. Oh yeah and when I got back from this appointment, I did laundry but I forgot to wash my bras! Ugh! I don't want to spend $2 to just wash them. I hang them to dry sometimes and this would save me a few dollars. I've been reading Touched With Fire and all the old quotes are interesting but it is a little triggering. It reminds me of a song I have a recording of that goes "O death! O death rock me asleep!" What is the point of this book- to show how artists have a bigger affinity toward depression and mania? Why does she need 260 pages plus appendices to explain how it feels to be depressed and manic? That famous artists throughout history have written as much is fascinating but maybe not worth almost 300 pages- with appendices? I myself have always been creative and emotional but I thought that's just how my family is.

I get so annoyed when I do the laundry and forget to wash something.

I haven't read Touched With Fire for so many years. I remember liking it when I read it - I wonder if I would now? I was a lot younger and nicer back then. I will reread it.

My family is creative and emotional, too. And they all have some degree of mental illness . I fit right in.

[Mountaindewed]

I read 2 books today. Over 200 pages each. I haven’t read 2 books in one day since I was 12. They were pretty triggering. They were young adult books but one was called Butter and it was about this very obese teen who decides to eat himself to death on a live web stream. The second book was called Wintergirls and it was about these 2 girls with eating disorders competing to see who can be the skinniest. These young adult books have more intense plotlines and have worse language then the books they have out for adults. I think the only thing worse then Butter that I’ve read recently was American Psycho.

But my anxiety and boredom and depression was ok for the first time in weeks because I was so involved in reading all day.

So sorry to hear about your best friend, Beth. I hope things go smoothly.

You and your friend are in my thoughts, Beth.

[Soupe du jour]

@BethRags, I'm sorry to read that your friend had a heart attack. I wish her the very best with her procedure. The good thing is that doctors seem to do a much better job than in the past helping people with heart issues. T

@wildflowerchild25, I sure hope that you and your fiance don't catch covid from his boss. At least you know to look for symptoms, but I can imagine how it could be anxiety-provoking. Best wishes that you both avoid it.

@Moose72. I had to laugh when I read "boob tube". My dad used to always refer to the TV that way. Brings back nice memories. Plus, I loved how you went on to write about bras and a mammogram afterwards. Great story linkages!

[Soupe du jour]

I was so sick and tired of being cooped up in my s-i-l's house that I had to get outside. No one would go with me, so I went myself. It had been snowing huge flakes right before. That tempted me. On the snowy lawn were animal tracks. They seem to have many martens (a type of animal - see DK Find Out! | Fun Facts for Kids on Animals, Earth, History and more!) here, almost to the point of over population. They are bigger than raccoons. I'm not sure if/where such animals dwell in the US. Definitely none in New Jersey.

My husband doesn't want to go to our new home until Wednesday or Thursday. Ugh! I wish we could go tomorrow. Attached is a photo of my s-i-l's house with our little blue car in front.

[MuddyBoots]

It'll be a miracle if I can get through the day without flipping out.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Here's a link to the new thread:

Bipolar Check-In Thread #54