[Mountaindewed]

It took forever for me to fall asleep. About 1.5 hours. Then I was up almost every hour. The first time I woke up I had this dream where this pop up hot dog stand came down my old friends block. The stand was in the shape of a hot dog and it was on wheels. Everyone freaked out because the hot dogs were amazing. I’ve never been to that place So I don’t know if they are that famous. I didn’t have any money but I asked my friend for a $1 which is what they cost. She gave me $2 and the line for the stand was down the block. I bribed this guy in front of a couple people with one of my $1 and he let me cut in front. The lady of the stand, an older frumpy looking lady with gray hair thought my gesture was so nice she asked if there was anything she could do. I said “yeah let me buy the hot dog without an ID. You needed an ID to buy them for some reason. She said “sorry I can’t do that.” So I left. I don’t know why I didn’t give the guy in back of me the other $1 so he could get me one. Then I was watching my friends eat hot dogs and I was disappointed until my mom came up the street with my wallet and we were able to get the hot dogs and some vanilla ice cream as well. I woke up really wanting a milk shake from Sonic.

Then I had another dream where I was at some store that sold groceries but it had these metal wall signs hanging on the walls. I found a bunch of old Mountain Dew ones for different flavors. I found one for Supernova and one for Cyclone. We asked the guy to get them down. 3 people worked at the store. A lady in her mid 30’s maybe. A man in his 40’s and then the manager was an older guy in his 60’s. The lady was ringing up the signs but they accidentally put in one that said country of Kentucky. And she looked at her computer and found out that 2 of the signs were missing by mistake. and we had gotten the Kentucky One instead of the supernova and cyclone ones. So the guy had to take the right ones down. He got the right ones down and they were 50 cents each. But we had trouble paying because she couldn’t get the lock box with the money open. And you needed a scanner to open it. The lady was getting frustrated and said “you guys have caused enough trouble!” So she had to get the manager over to open the box. I had a sudden craving for Denny’s or a nacho fries box from Taco Bell. I had seen some big rolls of stuffed cheesy bread in one of the rooms. But they were $5 which I thought was too much money. The manager got the box open. The box was a black lunch box. And the lady asked how I liked working at Nordstrom Rack. Even though I’ve never worked there in my life. Finally we paid and left. And the floor had suddenly turned to sand. And I had somehow lost my brown Birkenstock sandals I had been wearing.

I woke up half an hour ago thinking wtf just happened. I have vivid dreams but those are beyond vivid. I was asleep 6 hours after waking up twice.

[Soupe du jour]

We arrived in Louisville, Kentucky last night and are staying in a nice historic downtown hotel. The staff are great here. A big contrast to yesterday's hotel. I saw a beautiful sunrise out the window at about 7:45 am EST.

Today we will walk around downtown Louisville a bit and then go to the Muhammad Ali Center. I am not a fan of boxing, but am a fan of Muhammad Ali. He was a highly unique and interesting person, for sure.

Then eastward again.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel ok today. I was having a lot of trouble with the ADL’s yesterday. This morning I brushed my teeth and used mouth wash, I took a hot shower with 2 different types of soap, and I put on my last clean pair of jeans. I’m doing laundry now and I’ll clean my room in a few minutes. It’s so nice when everything is done but it’s such a pain getting started. I take about 3-4 showers a week. Not because I’m depressed but because I don’t see the point in taking one everyday if I’m just staying in my house.

I told my therapist one time that I have trouble brushing my teeth everyday and she was trying unsuccessfully to hold back a grossed out look. It was funny.

Haven't checked in in awhile. Was so far behind I had to skip some. I've been upset and anxious and angry with things that were and are going on. I did a LOT of stress cleaning etc on Wednesday. But I don't want to talk about it. My life's a bit of a jumble. Formerly ex-bf has been back in my life for quite some time now and wants to get a place. Though I love where I currently live and the people here, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with ... our political differences (mine/the household's). Though we do not discuss politics (it's kind of a "rule", still, one knows what's up), it weighs on me VERY heavily. Especially now. Between this, and covid, it looks like I'm going to do it, with reservations. And conditions.

Long/short, I'm stressed out. But I have been playing the youtube rain (and sometimes fan) sounds for sleep and relaxation to help.

I did some scanning and wanted to send some extra hugs @Daonnachd, @wildflowerchild, @whatever, @Soupe du jour (OMG!! ) and @jennifer67. Everyone though, really. Pretty sure we could all use some extra hugs 'round about now...

[daladico]

Hi friends,
Just wanted to stop by and say hi.
Hope you all are doing ok.
I’m doing well — stable.
Grateful.
Trying to get back into my health routine.
Gym is opening back up tomorrow- yay!!
Love to you all —
d

[*Beth*]

When I moved to my town almost 6 years ago I arrived with my cats and as many of my (remaining) possessions as I could stuff into my little Honda. I had quite literally fled the house I had been living in following a terrifying home invasion. I was very alone with no mental health support services. As soon as I set up my apartment I began searching for a NAMI group. I found out that a Connection group was just starting up in a town a few miles away.

I began attending the group, a terrific one, facilitated by a dynamic man with possibly the biggest and most loving soul I'm ever encountered. That guy had room for everybody. He had bipolar disorder, but was stable.

After about a year he, James, took on a job as a voice teacher for local theater. He asked me to take over facilitating the Connection group, which I did. The community opened up to me and I found myself with new friends. I found myself using a part of myself that I felt was my best self, listening to and supporting other group members.

After some months, James asked me to become a member of our local Mental Health Board, which he chaired. Another opportunity to deepen my connection to our mental health community.

Today, after a stay of several weeks in the hospital, James died of covid at the age of 61, leaving behind 5 grown children and their families, and James' husband of many years.

It's hard for me to imagine that I will never hear James' loud, warm, expansive laugh again or receive a great, big bear hug from him. I feel a tremendous loss today. My heart and mind feel heavy.

z"l - may his memory be a blessing.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

When I moved to my town almost 6 years ago I arrived with my cats and as many of my (remaining) possessions as I could stuff into my little Honda. I had quite literally fled the house I had been living in following a terrifying home invasion. I was very alone with no mental health support services. As soon as I set up my apartment I began searching for a NAMI group. I found out that a Connection group was just starting up in a town a few miles away.

I began attending the group, a terrific one, facilitated by a dynamic man with possibly the biggest and most loving soul I'm ever encountered. That guy had room for everybody. He had bipolar disorder, but was stable.

After about a year he, James, took on a job as a voice teacher for local theater. He asked me to take over facilitating the Connection group, which I did. The community opened up to me and I found myself with new friends. I found myself using a part of myself that I felt was my best self, listening to and supporting other group members.

After some months, James asked me to become a member of our local Mental Health Board, which he chaired. Another opportunity to deepen my connection to our mental health community.

Today, after a stay of several weeks in the hospital, James died of covid at the age of 61, leaving behind 5 grown children and their families, and James' husband of many years.

It's hard for me to imagine that I will never hear James' loud, warm, expansive laugh again or receive a great, big bear hug from him. I feel a tremendous loss today. My heart and mind feel heavy.

z"l - may his memory be a blessing.

My condolences on your loss.

[Nammu]

I’m sorry Beth.

[Mountaindewed]

Man do I not feel good. Chills. Loss of appetite. A temp of 99.1. I’ve been in bed all afternoon. I have zero energy. I think it’s a really bad UTI. I need to see a doctor for sure.

If it’s Covid it did not come from me because I have not left my house in 3 weeks. I told my mom not to go to malls and grocery stores on Saturday afternoons.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Man do I not feel good. Chills. Loss of appetite. A temp of 99.1. I’ve been in bed all afternoon. I have zero energy. I think it’s a really bad UTI. I need to see a doctor for sure.

If it’s Covid it did not come from me because I have not left my house in 3 weeks. I told my mom not to go to malls and grocery stores on Saturday afternoons.

That was my thought when you said you had to pee really bad but couldn't: UTI. I'd get to the doctor soon as UTIs can turn into kidney infections and those can be serious.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

That was my thought when you said you had to pee really bad but couldn't: UTI. I'd get to the doctor soon as UTIs can turn into kidney infections and those can be serious.

Yeah I plan on going to immediate care Tomorrow. With a temp I think that or the ER is the only place I can go because of Covid. I took 2 extra strength Tylenol and I’m going to try to just sleep through it tonight. I’ll go right in the morning.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Beth I'm so sorry for your loss. You and James' family will be in my prayers.

[Moose72]

The pdoc's office is calling me once a day to check up on me after my paranoia episode. They called today around 3 and woke me up. I was having one of my dream and dream and sleep and sleep episodes. I hate sleeping the day away like that but the dreams just keep coming. I told them everything was alright. They asked what had I been doing all day. Rather than say "sleeping" I just said "The usual". I guess I was just saying anything to get off the phone. Right now, I'm laying on the couch under the blanket that my mom made me, legs around a couch pillow and more couch pillows behind my head. It is quite comfortable. I hope I can sleep tonight. All Creatures Great and Small comes on tonight at 9- first episode of the first season of a brand new series. Check it out if you're a fan of the books or the old tv show. Now I feel guilty for sleeping so long. Now it's almost dark. I had a microwave pasta dish for lunch. I could make chicken wings later but I've been having those a lot recently. Still not sure if my thoughts are gone. My paranoid/intrusive thoughts. I still have lingering feelings that it's all true.

I'm so sorry for your loss Beth. James sounds wonderful. And thanks for hanging in with me during my moment of silence yesterday.

[yellow_fleurs]

Beth, I am so sorry for your loss. He sounds like a great person.

[Moose72]

Beth, that sucks. He seems like he was a great fellow.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all. I am doing okay at the moment, but woke up irritable and depressed this morning. Negative thoughts, everything bothering me for no reason. I was restless, but also had no motivation to do anything. I have recently decided to walk at least 30 min each day and I did that and some weight exercises and between that and taking the gabapentin I felt better. I am still irritable, but my mood improved some. I also used my light therapy lamp this afternoon. I am going to try that again because I think the seasonal depression is creeping up. I had the thought this morning that I wanted to quit all meds and start over. I mean, I don't know if the Wellbutrin is making me irritable, and while the gabapentin temporarily helps, when it wears off I feel the same or worse irritability. The strange thing is I was fine last night while playing games online with friends. I really just feel like my brain is a mess and it's tiring to try to manage all of it. All that being said, I do feel somewhat excited for my future plans and the possible new job and all that. I am also eating better now and feel like I am improving my nutrition which I am encouraged about, too. I was really struggling to eat there for awhile, but I think the diet changes helped. Anyways, hope everyone has a good night. Take care!

Oh Beth, I am so sorry to hear.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

When I moved to my town almost 6 years ago I arrived with my cats and as many of my (remaining) possessions as I could stuff into my little Honda. I had quite literally fled the house I had been living in following a terrifying home invasion. I was very alone with no mental health support services. As soon as I set up my apartment I began searching for a NAMI group. I found out that a Connection group was just starting up in a town a few miles away.

I began attending the group, a terrific one, facilitated by a dynamic man with possibly the biggest and most loving soul I'm ever encountered. That guy had room for everybody. He had bipolar disorder, but was stable.

After about a year he, James, took on a job as a voice teacher for local theater. He asked me to take over facilitating the Connection group, which I did. The community opened up to me and I found myself with new friends. I found myself using a part of myself that I felt was my best self, listening to and supporting other group members.

After some months, James asked me to become a member of our local Mental Health Board, which he chaired. Another opportunity to deepen my connection to our mental health community.

Today, after a stay of several weeks in the hospital, James died of covid at the age of 61, leaving behind 5 grown children and their families, and James' husband of many years.

It's hard for me to imagine that I will never hear James' loud, warm, expansive laugh again or receive a great, big bear hug from him. I feel a tremendous loss today. My heart and mind feel heavy.

z"l - may his memory be a blessing.

I’m sorry Beth.

[Soupe du jour]

BethRags, I am so sorry for your loss. This covid virus is beyond horrible!

Mountaindewed, all the best at the urgent care. I hope you are better soon.

Moose, I hope your paranoia calms soon. I remember your nice blanket. I'm sure you are comfy under it.

Yellow_fleurs, do keep up those positive depression fighting tactics. As for the meds, it's possible that they are doing more than you think.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I are in western West Virginia. At 10 am I have my video session with my psychiatrist. Then we'll continue heading towards my home state. I think we might still stay somewhere in between tonight (south central Pennsylvania?), unless we're willing to do a longer haul drive. From where we are now, it is a 7.5 hour drive (494 miles/795 km) to our old town in New Jersey.

I sent my brother an apology email for my behavior during a phone call to him, the other day. I was mentally unwell during it. My psychiatrist already knows what has been going on in my life. I sent him a long email the other day. He responded quickly with such a sweet and supportive response. It pains me that I will likely never see him face-to-face, beyond video session, again.

Add on: I also received a very nice email response from my brother, that is also lightly humorous. I have to say that tears are rolling down my cheek. We also see that the sale of the house is at its completion. A new era in our lives has officially begun.

[*Beth*]

How exciting, Soupe!

[Mountaindewed]

Immediate care was a 3 hour wait. And you couldn’t leave and come back. The lady on the phone was pretty rude. So I called my primary and I have a 3:30 video appointment with a nurse practitioner. You get what you get in the Covid ages I guess. I didn’t sleep well at all last night and I went grocery shopping this morning and it took a lot out of me. I’m in bed again. I am terrified I have leukemia. I have every symptom. I doubt it’s Covid because I don’t have respiratory issues. My temp is normal now too. But I just feel so washed out and achy and tired in general today. My anxiety is also super bad and I’ve already taken my 2 mil of Xanax which aren’t doing too much to help.

[Scooter9]

I have my pdoc appointment tomorrow, it's a video appointment. Site says she has to see me since it has been a 9 months since she last saw me.

I'm going to ask her if there's anything else we can do for this persistent depression.

[Moose72]

All Creatures great and small comes on again at 3 p.m. I really enjoyed it! I have a phone appointment with my case manager at 2. I hope it doesn't go past 3 so I can see the show again. Or, maybe she could call early. That would be nice.

EDIT: Phone call is done and it's 10 minutes before the show comes on. Lots of questions from my case manager. I hope I answered ok. Coming up with goals for the next year is hard! I got it done though. She had to go suddenly because one of her clients was in crisis.